She opened my eyes allowing me to tap in to something I never knew existed from within. Embedded. Tethering her soul onto mine, talk about alignment. Setting all of my paths straight, God really must be a woman.
Jun 7, 2020
Jun 7, 2020 at 11:56 PM UTC
Listen to your inner demons who cry out wanting to become souls that you can’t grow away from, not for long, but in the moment encapsulating your mind and joy outside of free will. the price to pay is a life where days spent are just added to the rest of the collection of baggage you carry on a daily and they don’t seem to pickup the trash anymore. Listen to your heart, learning you lessons of self taking the first step into intuitive inception. Is your life not one to fight for? We all coexist on this earth, yet you would be willing to give your last breath to breathe, did you not know it was one of the first gifts given to you? Innate as a function it is your body’s first choice to live and never was yours to give away like passing out flyers on a Saturday morning. Stop wasting time to celebrate in this race you were never behind in, for you are the only one in your lane and can fill these shoes to make it to the finish line. There is hope at the end of the tunnel, just remember that you are the light who’s lost it’s spark. It’s never too late pick up where you left and start again, laying down ground you never knew could exist. The pivot of a mind is literally ground breaking, quaking solid foundations to set your paths straight. Stop resting, for you can’t enjoy life unless you’re awake. This is knowledge to gain in order to change your ways, inviting you to a new beginning.
Nov 12, 2019
Nov 12, 2019 at 4:31 AM UTC
You can confide in me, just remember I too am only a vessel which means I can only hold so much before I'm overloaded carrying baggage I was never meant to, and can't drop on the curb every Friday morning...but come Friday night, I thought I did. Pouring out bottle after bottle, drowning myself in liquor drunken in a sunken place reaching an area unfathomable and out of reach of everything. The more I drank, the deeper I got, losing myself in the waters, hoping I'd be able to catch a wave, but it was too late. I found myself in a place where waves didn't happen anymore, and the pressure continued to build by masses I wasn't built to handle. I finally hit rock bottom, and there was nothing more I could do.
Hopeless.
Feeling this way is like screaming while on a roller coaster, it happens, but no one ever really pays attention. After all, we are all on the same ride. Belonging to the same local area, networking creating a web of support, but everyone knows once night falls and the screen goes black all you’ve got is yourself.
Restless.
In the middle of the night, running through thoughts without leaving a trace of how to get back so I go until I can’t run anymore. Falling deep into a-me-gdala. Trapped in a trance of nostalgia, replaying past experiences in search of something new. Instead, I just lay hear hoping that tomorrow never comes. After all, it isn’t like we were promised it in the beginning.
In the morning,
When the morning comes, I’m a new person. Sun shining through the window, shedding light through the pain I once had. I remind myself that life is like an echo, and the world we live in is listening. So, I try to speak things into existence creating a balance from within. Aligning the cards I was dealt trying to make sense of them, but now I’ve noticed that the next day deals from a new deck.
Feb 11, 2018
Feb 11, 2018 at 5:18 AM UTC
I am trapped in a vessel I cannot call my own, separating myself from flesh my mind races searching for answers throughout the universe trying to pick up a frequency I hear in the distance as I close my eyes and just breathe. Imagining the crashing of waves taking me to a place of solitude. The vibe becomes promising as I’m pulled into another dimension I like to be, reminding myself that in order to find peace I must follow the beat box central from within. Producing the transfer of messages necessary to keep me going.
All I ever want to do now is soak up the positivity, see me as an electron in search of a proton forcing a pull greater than any, this what I yearn for. I’m conflicted with the thought that my own life might not be in my own hands and that my destiny was predetermined which is why I find myself lost, stuck in a place of non-complacency I must not conform to these motions/notions instead learn enlightenment, be more like Buddha. Practicing internal balance, meditate listening to the stories the wind has tell or hearing birds chirp, singing a tune in a tranquil expanse of nature where even flowers never really die but are rebirthed.
Keeping self in mind I mustn’t become jaded by the external, allowing my chakras to become deranged. Instead, I become selfish. Realizing that the ten toes I was given weren’t made for falling. I gain hope in process where failure gives the opportunity to grow in what we call life.
But, could it all just be a dream? Letting inception take its course when things are out of my hands. Feeling more myself than I’ve ever been. Actually feeling what it’s like to be me. To be free.
Feb 11, 2018
Feb 11, 2018 at 4:51 AM UTC
It's funny how I'll put up this front like nothing's wrong and keeping my heart far from my sleeve so you won't know the pain that resides deep down tethered around my soul.
Even the day after, I still wanted to pick up the phone to call you trying to figure out what was going on, but I couldn't. Now all I have are one way conversations trying to find some computation to make it all make sense...but it still doesn't add up.
I couldn't form my lips to speak the words into existence without realizing how painful it actually was. A pulse trembled throughout my body, but I felt a part of me escape through the tears that ran across my face effortlessly. Stripping me of one of the only pieces of you I had and I would truly give up my last to get that back.
In a world full of puzzles I only hold a piece without knowing where the box is. And all I ask is that I'm able to keep onto it til I'm shown that time doesn't actually exist and that life is just a dream we are waiting to wake up from. Because that's what I imagine it feels like.
All I'm left with are memories, but then i remember that not all stories have happy endings.
I love you.
12 June 2016
Jun 12, 2016
Jun 12, 2016 at 9:14 PM UTC
I want to burn that **** house down, feel the heat of our arguments burst into flames leaving nothing but ashes of memories. I want to lock myself in a room composed of 4 walls, and no door. Sit there remaining lonesome, because in that house I was always alone. It was never a home, and I was never wanted. All I ever wanted was to be taken to a place far far away...
You can never trust the kid that laughs everything off, and does all he can without anything being reciprocated. Next time you see him, tell him that Halloween is over, so he doesn't have to wear that mask anymore. Get him to release the unchained thoughts lingering in his mind, devouring him from the inside out. Give him a place to call home where the doors are open so he doesn't relapse from nostalgia, because he has come too familiar with what happens behind closed doors.
You only get time to think.
They say everyone has a killer instinct, you just gotta push the right buttons. It seems that you believe that I'm a robot to your command, and have lost the instructions so you continue to press all of my buttons until you find the right one. Ignorant you are, and will remain until you learn me. If only you would take the time to sit me down, open the gate to my insides to be introduced to my wiring. Unscrew the jar of pain that resides near my chest, so you can know what strength looks like. I want you to unwind the clock on my wrist to turn back time to see how long it's been since the last time you told me you loved me.
He prays you have time, because every hour you pass another year rewinds. It's 12 o'clock.
11
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9
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6
May 12, 2015
May 12, 2015 at 11:29 AM UTC
Have you ever dreamt of what's it's like to wake up knowing you left others to live their lives as your soul ventures on it's new journey, after death, but before Christ you will bend hand and knee letting Him know you believe and hope that you will fit through the narrow pathway into the gates of heaven not quite sure of what it will be, but sure enough of it being pure greatness. And in a split of a second all of your lifetime memories replay inside of your mind causing a neurological explosion of nostalgia to release and you remember...remember those you love living in the moment and feeling the pain of sorrow
Can you prove to me that it isn't a struggle to tell a young black boy that he will never experience the physical presence of his mother, because she was taken away from him when he was just a baby. A baby, who will grow and wonder why none of the familiar faces is the one he is in search for. A child, who will never have the benefit of being a mamas boy. A young man, victim of defaulted abandonment issues. Just another precious black son, who will be challenged as another statistic because he was deprived of the greatest love one can ever receive.
A mothers love is one of the greatest love there is, but a black mothers love is even more powerful. Because a black mothers love is built on back aches from working all day long to feed her children dinner ever night. Foundation so strong, Hercules himself would break a sweat. A black mothers love is shaped by the predetermined deck of cards she was dealt as a person of color ever since the beginning. Misused and hardly understood. Her worth, a beautiful black queen so devine, it shall endure until the end of time.
And still I ponder!
How can you tell a mother holding her newborn child that before she sees her last day, her sons body will leave this earth before her own? Giving her the knowledge that will cause hurricanes to reach shore. Changing her life for the worst, because she must raise a boy who may not make it into being a man, but he will always be a mamas boy. And she will do her ****** best to make sure his life was worthwhile and had meaning. Impacting more then just herself, but the world around.
I tell you, there is not a pain greater than a mother laying her son to rest, because his days are ceased before her own. It's non-traditional, a bit unorthodox but is slowly making its way into a norm as the number of young black lives lost rises. Im just tired of seeing the numbers of my people drop slowly but surely
So, still I ask when are black lives going to matter? How many more lives have to be stolen from us until we say enough is enough? How many more lives have to be stolen until we teach our young ones to love their skin, and every little thing that makes them them. Teach them, that black is beautiful and always has been. Maybe then we will find peace, And if not we will die trying.
Mar 2, 2015
Mar 2, 2015 at 11:23 PM UTC
To the girl in the back of the class, headphones blasting waiting for your day to be to be over, and hoping tomorrow won't be the same. I just want you to know something, I understand.
I understand that when you tend to get quiet, it's because everything that you hold captive inside is slowly consuming you from within. I see the scars you wear from the restraint you had, keeping you from truly being happy. I notice the pain you wear on your sleeve, covering up won't make it unnoticeable to my eye baby girl I see it all and I'm here to help. The wonders you bring to the world, and you don't even know it. You are the action potential to my neuron, sending me messages through space and time that can only be picked up at certain levels. Levels that are off the chart, and beyond many limits. I just want you to see the spark that you have, because it's greater than any star in any galaxy in a land far far away. And if you need a shoulder to cry on, just know you can count on me any day. For I am a hand, and you are its Palm. Soft and sensitive, with a tough layer of protection from it getting hurt. In this I ask of you to pick your head up, and hold your chin high and learn grace. Stop existing in this space we call life and live. Live to the capacity of your worth, and teach your knowledge to those in search of enlightenment. Bind your foot to your mind, so you can know what it is like to step inside of a dream, but bring a mirror to make it a reality. Because seeing is believing, and it is all you need for things to be true. Take this journey to find the key to your heart, and unlock it to find your passions, and remember, in order to get to the ending there is always a new beginning waiting to happen.
Mar 2, 2015
Mar 2, 2015 at 11:21 PM UTC
I am slowly learning to enjoy every moment; but I am well aware that this today will very quickly become the past joining the club of history full of yesterday's as time flies and I'm not quite sure why I'm still here. Begging the question of If I'm living or easily existing taking in the pressure of a target prepared for aim. And it's a shame that not a day passes where death does not cross my mind like a shooting star it will not go unnoticed but written in the books preserved for the ones keeping an eye on me, not quite close enough. Because the glare of their moon shaped eyes isn't sharp enough to keep up with knives cutting through my life and I truly want to stop. Stop the scars, disguised as areas for pain to be released. Instead they become homes to open wounds where I am drained of life...
It is now 1:27 in the morning, the time where the tick tock time bomb begins. The time where I know exactly how I feel, but can't seem to show it. Wanting to share my pain, but you don't know it so I stare into the corner of my room where an inch of moonlight makes his way through the darkness and I stand, looking down into the area of light with the mirror image of my shadow facing in my direction. My reflection, a soul captured silhouette screaming for help but no sound can be heard....
Rewind
Instead they become homes to open wounds where I am drained of life..and although I'd rather die right now, I hope that my cell phone rings and it's you reminding me of the things that I have and the moments that we share. But that never happens, so i sit there playing a game of death or dare where my own life is on the line. And I'm running out of time to decide on what to do. It's now a quarter till two because by then I just close my eyes and go back to sleep usually but right now I feel weak not numb, but useless. Just destructive, and abusive. Truly wanting to know what the strength of a noose is.
Mar 2, 2015
Mar 2, 2015 at 11:20 PM UTC
Every night I dream of swimming, but this time it was different. I’ve been caught inside a wave, I begin to drown. My legs are tied to an anchor and I’m finding my way closer to the bottom of the sea. I yell for help, knowing no one can hear my cries. I begin to look up and see the people I love watch me as I suffocate wanting to gasp for air, but life swallows me whole. Every morning at 3 am, I am at war with my mind while you are asleep. Balancing between life and death searching for a way out of limbo. But the waves get bigger, and the tides come in harder. I remember the one time I went to the beach, and all I ever wanted to do is be the king of the ocean. So I built sand castles to the best of my knowledge, conquering my skills. But the tides of the waters continued to crush my creations. Knowing this would happen, I still became frustrated unaware that I was supposed to be learning a lesson about life. Where life was the ocean, turning into a tsunami and I was the castle being torn down and taken back. I begin to drown again. And when my lungs fill with water, it feels like a knife being jammed into my ribs and I am bleeding. I start to become cold and numb. I run to think that maybe I deserve this, maybe I am fault so I begin to give up. In that very moment I notice my position continues to get deeper, I gasp for my last breath and I am only letting the salt water run through my veins drowning me from the inside out. And I am being crushed by the pressure, it becomes unbearable. This is my life, everyday I suffer with this, and I know that you will not be able to walk a mile at the bottom of the sea in my shoes. Every night before I go to sleep, I tell myself it is okay to let go and be done, but I cannot leave the ones I love to suffer at the expense of my doing and my wrongs. I will not stand to be that selfish. My eyes begin to close and I knew this was it. My days are over, this time I was not waking up from this dream. But then something happened, and I was not prepared. As soon as I let go, I let God. Tears begin to rush down my face. He gave me breathe once more, giving me life again. Letting me know that He will not let His creation go to waste that easily. He told me that He did not create me to give up, but believe and live by Him. He lifted me up and showed me the way back. He taught me to love myself, and to never feel alone and left filling me in that I am never alone and that He will always be there with me. In a blink of an eye, He was gone but there at the same time. Now, I do not dream about swimming anymore but flying, wings spread out knowing I will not fall, because as long as I believe and never let go I can conquer it all.
Jan 4, 2015
Jan 4, 2015 at 1:10 AM UTC