I'm sick of these endless nights face down in pools of sweat
And waking up only to have my head full of regret
I had to check my phone to made sure I hit "send"
And to no surprise, there's no reply again
It happened again, I placed my bets
You know I was all in
A promise of escape from the way things had always been
So why am I lower than where I have began?
What am I hoping for, if it's not you?
I've spent all of my time and money
Trying to find something to distract me
I'm over starving myself just to feel some type of control
And doing trifle things just to fit the mold
So why stop now when I still have some control?
I just want something to make me whole
Don't leave me standing out here in the cold
The pain always comes back in the morning
Again, I'm living just trying to ignore it
May 28, 2020
May 28, 2020 at 2:53 AM UTC
Faded visions, I can barely
Remember it so vaguely
Yesterday when you still had me
But you let me slip
Broken promises, broken grips
Heavy lust for your eyes and lips
Heavy feelings that we both can't lift
Putting up a front like this ain't wrong
Listening to sad songs while denying that I ain't strong
This is a love that I turned my back on
This is a mistake I'll never learn from
Late night voice messages on your phone
You still listen to them right?
I'm the villain, you're the victim, right?
Frustrations got you wanting to get back at me
Instead of with me, right?
Who took who for granted?
Insecurities dragged us in this
You told me you understood
But your eyes show growing distance
Let's just face it, right now you hate
This kind of love that now needs space
Drowned you in trust, even though I'm drained
But you still doubt me like you don't know my name
Mar 5, 2020
Mar 5, 2020 at 1:11 AM UTC
It's been three weeks since but I guess I'm just never ready
To be honest, since you left everything has been pretty unsteady
To be honest, since I left, I can barely eat or get ready
I've been trying to fill this void with anyone who will let me
And I just hate how I'm still stuck inside this game
The loser is the one who shows they still care, or still feel in pain
I'm checking if you took down all our pictures, just so I can do the same
I'm so ******* petty, I wasn't ready for you to just stand up and change
And I know that you won't even miss me when you look for replacement
I live adjacent on the map, didn't I give you enough space?
How could you be so fake? I was real from the start
Every lie was like a knife that I took straight to the heart
I don't know who you are, how could I when you lied from the start?
I can't lie, honestly, I still think about you
And when I go out with my friends, I still drink about you
I'm sorry if I made you question how I feel about you
Put you over everything, but now I have to live without you
I promise I would've stayed if there was a way I could save us
If only you spent as much time on us as you do your make up
I tried everything I could but you still gave up
Oct 4, 2017
Oct 4, 2017 at 4:35 PM UTC
Will you please explain to me why there's another man?
How can I not sense such things when
you're the only love of my life?
Although you won't say so,
the lack of feeling shows
All of the warmth is gone;
the space between us just grows
How could a kiss give you away?
Tell me what's it that you've done?
I bet you have the answers, but you can't give me one
I used to trust you so;
lately, I just don't know
And after what I've seen,
there's no doubt left in my mind
Whatever happened to that girl whom I once fell for?
I'm hoping we'll soon meet again
And share those times like we did before
When you thought I didn't know
Which wasn't that long ago
I tried to ask you,
"Honey, why are you feeling low?"
If something's wrong, say so;
not, "I have to go"
But the real problem, though
Lies in what you'd rather do
Did you not think there'd be a chance you'll get caught with that man?
How you can do such things, I don't understand
If I have wronged you so, why can't you let me know?
Instead, you went with him; making a mess of my mind
If you don't know, then let me tell you what hurts me more
It's to insist on seeing you just one way: like I did before
When I see you with that man,
it's just more than I can stand
You left me easily
Could've made you stay
if I had not ignored all the signs
This time, I'm reaching out
Because there's just too much left unsaid
Although our love took its toll,
there won't be peace in my soul
until I know I've done enough
I can change what I've done wrong if you would tell me how;
though I fear it's been too long to make a difference now
Can't we just let go of the past so
we could start anew?
And once the worst is over, maybe you'll soon see;
despite our troubles,
we're worth it after all
Sep 28, 2017
Sep 28, 2017 at 7:53 PM UTC
I know I've been a gone for a while
But I heard that you're doing just fine
You graduated and got a job and you've been working for some time
It's good to see you looking forward and not behind
I know you never find me crossing your mind
But I would be lying if you didn't cross mine
And from time to time I see some of your pictures online
Summer of 2017 was hard, a time when I put my heart on the line
I tried to forget you and that took a couple months of my time
It looks like you found the love that I was hoping to find
The only you that I love is the one that I create in my mind
You'll never be mine and I know that
But remember the time I came to see you?
I thought it would just be you, but there were a few other people
I know there never was a "We", so there would never be a sequel
I know you were bluffing when you said you cared
Our only real connection were the memories that we shared
I would never try to blame you, I know that much isn’t fair
Not that you care but the stress is really starting to wear
And through these words is when I took our story and I used it
I'm gifted with the curse of honesty and the truth is,
I loved you more than words I just didn't know how to prove it
And I often ask myself if you ever did care
I ponder countless thoughts that's why in my mind is the only time you were ever there
I know we were only friends, but it felt more than just pretend
These past few months have been awfully clear
The real us is what I fear to see
The one where we were only friends and I acted like we were dating
And nowadays our messages go, "Hey, happy something~belated"
And every letter I wrote for you
Deep inside I know you actually hate them
Because I realized that you never felt the same when you read it
You never cared on how much I put into it
But I guess that's why I'm so emasculated
All the love that I've been getting through my phone feels phony
I try to rhyme a couple of words together
To put myself out there so you could understand me
We're in a world full of people and yet I'm still feeling lonely
I lie to myself that there's plenty of fish in the sea
But the sea is full of sharks and you’re the only one for me
And as I'm finding myself drowning while I'm fighting to breathe
I realize that I'm still in love with what I thought we could’ve been
Sep 25, 2017
Sep 25, 2017 at 5:54 AM UTC
I swear that I've been praying for a better day
But everyday I swear it feels like it's getting worse
I'm losing everybody slowly and it's causing me pain
Maybe the afterlife would be better than this Earth?
Depression is killing me up inside
I'm all alone and I'm feeling so useless
My friends told me I've been acting so stupid
But they don't know how I've been really doing
It's not easy when you have nothing and have nobody
So if I take my life no one else would care about it
Been contemplating for a while to pull this trigger now
I hope you keep this same energy when I'm going down
You don't even know what I'm going through
I feel like I got nothing else to lose
I don't know what to do, can you help me?
Because I will pull this trigger if you let me
I've been trying hard but I'm only human
And the devil got my soul
Sep 11, 2017
Sep 11, 2017 at 5:39 AM UTC
Indecisions between a dream and the girl of my dreams
I keep telling myself that there's always better things
You start to neglect what you have and regret it the moment it leaves
For me, it was always the ocean but only one fish in the sea
I know I said a lot of things that you know I didn't mean
My heart got broken so many times and yet I blamed you for everything
And I know it's been a while but I still feel like I'm the only one struggling
I wasn't at all entitled but you made me feel like a king
I'm sorry I tried to change you
You can hate me but I won't blame you
If I told you that I'm different now would you give me back the same you?
I know you deserve better
I know you're moving on as I'm writing this letter
As I'm pretending that I'm fine like I don't want us together
While I've been shoving this loneliness aside like I'm the one doing better
It's all a mask, can't you see that there's a heart with your name?
All you gave me was love but all I gave you was pain
Aug 27, 2017
Aug 27, 2017 at 1:50 AM UTC
Lately I've been entertaining my depression
Why does everything have to be a lesson?
Does everybody think that my life is so perfect?
It's not and everyday I'm always stressing
Don't tell me what's best for me
When I needed you the most and you weren't there for me
I'm speaking in full honesty
I know that I can't let these things get to me
There's not too many answers and there's so many issues
A **** ton of tear drops and I've been running out of tissues
I wake up every morning and I ask myself
Is life worth living or should I blast myself?
I got these thoughts up inside my head
What's the point of even living when I would rather be dead?
I ask myself if I'm another victim to my misery?
Or maybe everything I'm thinking is all in my mind
Why does that everything that I want still a clouded mystery?
And everything that I don't want is so easy to find
I used to go to parties with all my friends
Until I got comfortable with these lonely nights
And lately my head has been an empty state of mind
How ironic that being alone is the one thing I'm good at, right?
Aug 7, 2017
Aug 7, 2017 at 3:44 AM UTC
My heart aches on a depressing state
Can't face these lonely nights, I keep staying out way too late
In need of good hands, where the hell are all of my mates?
A stronger heart is just the thing that I lack
I go and start up the engine but I keep hesitating if I should come back
I told myself to do it but now I'm 2 years too late
I'm at a dead end road in life and I can feel the weight
Chasing a so called vision and I don't know where it goes
They say the highway to happiness can be the loneliest road
You know I'm doing the best that I can
Talking about this, doesn't mean you'll ever understand
It's pathetic that my heart is still calling for a girl
Who has got a better man
And yet she told me not to fall for her
But I did so anyways
She told me not to wait for her
But she crossed my mind so I thought of her today
Lately I've been writing these things that I shouldn't say
And I've been feeling the things that I shouldn't feel
But if don't let her know, would all of this be even real?
Aug 6, 2017
Aug 6, 2017 at 12:29 AM UTC
I know I haven't been myself lately
I've been feeling like someone else other than me and just maybe
It's this empty glass of gin, it helps numb my pain inside
Because truthfully, I haven't felt any love from you lately
I'm still in love with you and I've been needing a sign
We both needed our space
You needed someone else's love and time
I never understood how you became so heartless
Until I realized that maybe you just needed mine
Loving you was so hard and it never helped
Because I just couldn't decide between loving you or myself
I know what it's like to lose somebody you love
To feel emptiness as you lose yourself to the drugs
I know what it's like to let go of someone
Because they've hurt you to a point
You're not the person you were once was
I've been dying to live and the devil's been shooting to ****
I just can't help but think if one day, you're thinking of me still
Jul 29, 2017
Jul 29, 2017 at 4:52 AM UTC