When may I start to see beauty in my scars?
How long will it take to reassemble these broken parts?
How will I know when I’m healed enough for love?
And where can I go when the quiet isn’t enough?
Why do I find myself craving something chaotic?
Where do I get off yearning for something toxic?
Where has my anger gone and when will it come back?
Who am I without it? What’s my goal? Where’s my defense?
When will the sun come out on my misery?
Will anyone have me with my ****** up history?
May I ever have peace without a lion’s share of effort?
Will my heart ever emerge from this comfortable desert?
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 2:54 AM UTC
I know I look bullet proof
I know I roll like a stone
I know it seems like I can take a punch
I know I look good on my own
And on my worse days
I believe it too
I don’t mind
Being a punching bag
I can take it all
On my worse days
What is strength anyway?
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 2:50 AM UTC
I wonder how much I’ve forgotten because it wasn’t a shop of horrors.
I wonder if it’s common to have a deep wanting for the one who gave you your many traumas.
I wonder how thrilling the darkness could be if I went back into it again.
I wonder how I can be a victim when I cultivated so much of the excitement.
I wish I could spend some nights with you without opening Pandora’s box.
I wish I could still know you and still love you, but I cannot.
I wish you hadn’t hurt me and hadn’t left me so destroyed.
I wish I could still share you my melancholy and feel so understood.
I feel heartbroken when I think of you as a terrified little boy.
I feel such grief that you were robbed of love before you had a choice.
I feel overcome with loss when I remember our ride or die ethos.
I feel regret that despite my efforts there was just no saving us.
I miss the times we walked along the streets of coloured leaves.
I miss we the way it was to sit in the silence and feel the beauty.
I miss the time we went up north and smiled in the cool of the water.
I miss the music we listened to when we drove, a pair of marauders.
I think the part that hurts the most is mourning it all without you.
I think if I could do it all again I wouldn’t choose to never know you.
I think the time alone I have is well spent when I reflect upon us.
I think I needed to learn from you and our time together, albeit unjust.
I listen to our music from the days we drove along riverside boulevards.
I listen to the words you used to tell me, ringing in my ears, pulling me apart.
I listen for the rev of your motorcycle and the freedom we together felt.
I listen for sounds of peace to come along and save me from myself.
I feel so sad though you’re a street away I can’t just come to see you.
I feel apprehensive when I’m out on the town I might happen upon you.
I feel estranged from the you that you were for yesterday you were a shadow of yourself.
I feel so angry all the time - unrelentingly - there’s nothing else.
I marvel at how often we laughed despite our loneliness and pain.
I marvel at how passionate we were about a love that wasn’t ok.
I marvel at how long it’s been since the memory of you made me cry.
I marvel at how damaged I am from a man who made me so high.
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 2:43 AM UTC
I dreamt of you last night
The way we talked easily
I dreamt of you last night
Your lips, they almost had me
What is it about you?
Stirs my deepest core
What is it about you?
Drove me to give up more and more
I could walk down the street
I could knock on your door
I could walk down the street
Let you have me once more
Nothing’s beat it yet
The way you touched my body
Nothing’s beat it yet
Intimacy that was also camaraderie
I think you ruined me
Won’t find that violence again
I think you ruined me
I don’t rest, I can’t see, it won’t end
In this moment I don’t hate you
Might even say I miss you
In this moment I don’t hate you
Might even say I loved you
I’m better now
But I miss the war
I’m better now
Won’t go back, I swore
How sick am I?
Want you to rip me apart
How sick am I?
You might still have my heart
Maybe I’m just lonely
Body is buzzing for your touch
Maybe I’m just lonely
One night wouldn’t be too much
You hurt me badly
But I haven’t had enough
You hurt me badly
I still crave you loving me rough
I crave a gentle love
Often you did that too
I crave a gentle love
Mind to mind, we were one from two
I need a surrender
And I think you would be a fight
I need a surrender
So you’ll get only my mind this night
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 2:41 AM UTC
In these warm peninsula winds
I’m reminded of driving with you
The leaves colourful on the fields
In those times, we were peaceful too
On those days we were too tired
To carry on the war
So instead we drove in silence
An unspoken armistice unfolding in a car
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad
It just was and that was enough
Although you tore me apart through the years
Many times, in a car, we were just us
For too many years gone by
You were the one that I loved
It wasn’t good, it wasn’t healthy,
it wasn’t even real
But to me, you were all that there was
Now these memories live inside me
In places only I can know
Although were I to let you in on it
To you too these moments would be known
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 2:38 AM UTC
“I’ve had enough pain for a lifetime.”
She’ll hurt again,
no doubt,
but maybe she won’t go looking for it this time.
She was the storm chaser
proving her strength
to none but herself.
“The bigger, the badder, the better.”
Now she relates more to soldiers
than she could to anyone intact.
Flashbacks abound,
she’s what you might call a damaged girl.
Maybe it’s low self worth;
maybe she’s stubborn as hell;
maybe she only feels her power
when she’s at war.
“Oh fuckity ****
She’s so broken now;
she’s so sad now;
she’s so afraid now.
“I think I’m broken now.”
Who broke this storm chaser?
It’s a feat to scare the fearless;
it’s a talent to break the strong.
You should be proud of yourself:
you’re a special kind of *******
if “you broke the storm chaser.”
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 2:34 AM UTC
I feel a foreign insecurity
washing over me
comes in waves;
the ground is moving under my feet
I feel off balance
my skin feels wrong;
am I dissociating?
am I just raw?
That girl I was
seems dead and gone
I need a revival
…
but I can’t bear it
it all feels false
I’ll don my silver hoops
and my top knot;
put on my velvet shoes
pretend I’m hot
But it won’t do
this **** I’m used to;
acting ghostly
to hide the black and blue
I’m so ****** divided
between 17 and 43
it left a hole in me
and that’s where I’m tryna be
now
To fill myself up
fill my own needs;
stop thinkin ‘bout you
and think about me
Learn to love me;
learn to lift me;
learn to hold me;
learn to carry me
intentionally
I’ve been strong
and now I’m broken, I guess
that’s what happens
when he’s an adult
and you were a kid
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 2:18 AM UTC
At once I look behind me with self-hatred and longing,
Because it was beautiful when you broke me.
Who knew that devastation could happen in vivid colour;
Sensual, electric, intoxicating
You fed me blood and I craved it
We were vampires creeping the streets at night
Afraid of daylight, you had me pale and thin
Elusive, invisible to those who once knew me
So why do I wail over the loss of this torment?
I drink fresh spring water now,
I have peace and it is a relief;
Yet your fingers still play songs of yearning on my heartstrings
Will I ever feel such violence again?
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 2:06 AM UTC
The horizon of the city shadowed the stars
arrayed across the windshield in the calm of the evening.
His lips grazed my shoulder when he spoke
his breath was warm on my neck.
He enveloped my whole body
though his arms were sprawled along the seat.
Words exchanged while the eyes relinquished their talents in the darkness
enhancing the touch
the whispers
"kiss my neck."
It was as if the music was from within our souls
pounding through each movement
like the blood pumping ardently through our systems.
Every impulse was impregnated with dubstep
the heat of our bodies was the friction of the melody.
**We were the music
a drug, a stimulant.
Ecstasy**
Rapt in the haze,
the world dissolved
smearing florid patterns over the windows.
When,
in a kaleidoscopic prism,
he was tangible
yet abstract
in the euphoria,
when we were both present
and far gone,
when
the music
and our bodies
were the only reality,
thats when I understood
absolute
untainted
blissful
happiness.
Jul 24, 2013
Jul 24, 2013 at 12:49 AM UTC
So grand I always imagined it,
a city beyond the grasp of realism.
Famous in it's own glory
An entity that survives in the hearts of its citizens.
Stories told by those who's hearts it has claimed
are presented in the notes of our music
the pages of our literature
and screens of our TVs.
They plant a craving in our souls for that which we will never find;
the bar is raised higher than any part of this world could reach.
It was supposed to be breathtaking -- it was supposed to make you cry out with glee and wonder.
Excitement so rooted in a determined fist that no restraints could hold it.
But it wasn't that,
in fact, it was the opposite.
So human it seems wrong
unnatural
underwhelming.
Broadway is just another street
Times Square isn't bright enough
The Statue of Liberty is too small.
And it shouldn't be
that
this city,
the city of all cities,
is
underwhelming.
**We can't blame the city,
it's been in our hearts from the first moment we discovered the world.
I realize that we could never see the city's glory the way it's portrayed
until we've learned to love the city from the inside out
until we experience the soul of the culture
the people
the music
the colours
the art that is New York.
Then Broadway will never be just another street
Times Square will be brighter than our most colourful dreams
and the Statue of Liberty could never be
small.
So now I leave you, New York,
with the promise of a new perspective, philosophy, and appreciation
of what you mean to your people.**
May 30, 2013
May 30, 2013 at 9:24 PM UTC