1.18.22
When its all of this all at once
Holding it all in is not the answer
strength is not to bite my tongue
and erase an opinion that seeks to be expressed
I do not wish to be a nuisance to the world
But reality isn’t always beautiful
And that has to be ok right?
I mean, we can’t work towards our dreams
every. single. moment. right?
There’s of course distraction
And needing to belong to myself first
And needing to come home to myself,
and not looking for validation
Right?
And not judging others for needing that validation
And not trying to be perfect, or seemingly so
But also not spilling the oil, the tar
From my heart
The venom of being misunderstood
Not sharing that with those who do not see me fully
Whose presence in my house is strictly as visitor
I am able to escort them out when needed,
right?
But what to do when I forget I have the power to say no
What to do when I get so lost that my body feels numb
Each task, an impossible feat
What to do when I begin to break at the seams
What to do when I notice myself judging every single thing about others
I start to make stories about their imperfections trying to make myself feel better
What to do when this pattern ensues?
Accept life as it is sweet Gabrielle,
There is nothing to be done
It is not about surviving or getting through it
It is all there is
And this means that there will be pain
And it will hurt
And you will suffer
And that is truth
And that is reality
And reality is ok
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 9:20 PM UTC
Sounds of a sea of humans
Anger and aimless rage
The highs and lows
The emotional rollercoaster of attachment
Of false victory
Of seeming control of circumstance
Winning in the game
And returning to life as it is
I always thought I was fighting for something-
And now I’m not so sure of anything anymore
Dec 3, 2021
Dec 3, 2021 at 12:34 AM UTC
There is only me in this mind
Well
and the divine
And I didn’t mean to be divine
It was passed down
with the trauma
The shadows and the light
All human, all me
All of the droplets of the ocean in one glance
holding me together and tearing me apart
Again and again I rise and fall
I crash and settle
I cry and laugh
All of it
All the time
Everything
Dec 3, 2021
Dec 3, 2021 at 12:31 AM UTC
But I didn’t care that you didn’t want the rest of me
Because I didn’t either
Dec 3, 2021
Dec 3, 2021 at 12:29 AM UTC
6.9.21
I feel it everywhere all the time
Everything
And its like I can’t help but get overwhelmed
My behavior controlled by generations before
My finger a weapon
My body the target
When will I hurt less
When will the pain go away?
Hard times don’t last
But when they’re here they make up for every lost moment
Every moment I felt joy left lifeless
Every glimpse of light blown away
With just one glance,
One moment,
One story,
That’s the scary part
How quick, how easily, its all just blown away
Effortlessly into smoke,
Into oblivion
Like it never existed
Like I don’t exist anywhere but the pain
Like the pain is my new identity
Like I am exiled to spend the rest of my days inside of the ache
Nothing matters sometimes
When my body is my wallet
When the way I appear is who I am
I scrape every bit of confidence out of my mind
And I replace it all with shame
I do that sometimes
All the time
Forget who I really am
And then come back begging on my knees
Please take me back home
Please let me lay in your arms again
Ive had enough of the life I’ve been living
Ive had enough of the ache that takes hold
Drowns me while I’m still on the surface
In front of you
Watching you watch me drown
Watching you watch me
Drown
Dec 3, 2021
Dec 3, 2021 at 12:27 AM UTC
Its truly amazing how lost one can get
In the presence of others
Dec 3, 2021
Dec 3, 2021 at 12:25 AM UTC
Take it all life
Take me and swallow me whole
And I will return even then
I will come home even when there’s nothing left of me to hold
Even when there’s nothing left of me to hold
Ill return home
Because its not this body that I belong to
Its not these thoughts, its not this mind
I am observer
I am witness
I am all there is and all there ever will be
Then we remember
And wonder why
We ever forgot
—-
8:58 pm
Dec 3, 2021
Dec 3, 2021 at 12:24 AM UTC
Take my shaky hands
help them settle on their own
leave me be
let my heart heal
give me space and solitude
I will return
and I will be stronger because of it
your body and mind
look enticing, as they always have
but I know I would only get more lost
trying to make a home
where I don't belong
and I don't belong with you
I don't belong
but I know where I do
and I'm here right now
and I'm home
Sep 11, 2021
Sep 11, 2021 at 6:54 PM UTC
she is magnificent, she is beautiful, she is enough
right now
she is a queen, deserving of her own love & attention
she's a runner, she loves SCI-FI, she loves cooking & reading
she is a good friend, nurturing herself and those around her
shes competitive, but in the sense that she has fun when playing
she takes care of herself, tracks her habits, and monitors behavior
she approaches blockages & sees them as they are
she protects her heart from invaders & limits the world
access to her heart is valuable
she dreams BIG
she does NOT settle
May 20, 2020
May 20, 2020 at 11:45 PM UTC
So much space
So much content to consume all around me
One year ago today
I was in your arms for the first time
My heart belonged to my image of you
My future, my path
Enraptured by your presence
Everything left into a nicely wrapped question mark
Bolded by your aura
By the scent of you
My fingers touching your skin, holding your weight
Today I am free
Mentally and emotionally separate from you
From all
I've cocooned my heart because I know what she needs
She's preparing for the life she's always dreamed of
Apr 19, 2020
Apr 19, 2020 at 10:35 AM UTC