3:30- Laying on my bed ****** as **** thinking about your hands (i can't breathe properly) Delivered
3:40- One day you'll stop answering the phone when I call and I'll never hear you call me baby love again (i hurt in places i can't touch) Delivered
3:50- I say I love you even when you're not listening and I've learned to be okay with that (can't stop shaking) Delivered
4:00- I want out of this place I want to be where you are (save me) Delivered
4:10- And if you ever start to hate me, which you should, remember that I hate me more but never as much as I love you (I will always love you) Delivered
4:20- I apologize in advance if one day I'm drowning in ***** and spilling my tears into your voicemail (please pick up) Delivered
4:30- Suffocation in the form of thinking about someone else touching you *(i can't ******* do this)* Delivered
4:40- I like to think that you can't live without me too, I'm always here when you decide to come back (stay) Delivered
4:50- I'm talking out loud like you're still here but this sadness is weighing down my chest (and you're not here) Delivered
5:00- Find me drunk at 2 am counting the stars and naming them after you (you always leave me breathless) Delivered
5:10- I can't love you quietly im sorry you should never love a poet who vomits up there emotions and holds up the mess for reading (numb) Delivered
5:20- I'm missing you in every moment like you are air and I am drowning (do you miss me too?) Delivered
5:30- Who will walk me through losing you if you're who I would go to? (I have no one now) Delivered
5:40- My hands are pens, I want to write novels on every inch of your skin and I want to write my secrets on your lips (I hope you don't ignore my texts) Delivered
5:45- I've seen you 2 am crossfaded, 3 am panic attacks, 5 am endless tears, 6 am no coffee, and you have always been beautiful to me (always will be) Delivered
5:50- Loving you is loving the way the world turns and loving you is loving sunsets and loving you is easier every day *(I ******* can't stop loving you)* Delivered
5:55- Sometimes loneliness ices my blood so my heart is left stuttering in my chest (not much longer now) Delivered
6:00- The thing about aching is once it claws into you, for some reason, you want it to hold on and now I spend all of my time at home shaking at the seams and carving my name into the floorboards waiting for someone to god **** notice me. It used to be you. I miss you. Not Delivered
Jun 10, 2015
Jun 10, 2015 at 4:09 AM UTC
I bet we're going to kiss like addicts hungry for a hit and I'm sorry I'm not made of much except bruises and bleeding knuckles. Your words mostly touch me but I'm begging for your hands to instead. My mind used to be made up of cemeteries and all I thought about was writing eulogies to how dead I felt inside.
I want you to stain my teeth and leave your taste in my mouth permanently. I want you to swallow me whole and take me daily like I'm apart of your well being like you are for me.
A lot of the time I want you naked and quivering for me and a lot of the time I want you wrapped around me so tightly that nothing could tear you apart from me like this god **** distance is right now. I want my name bruised down your spine so you don't leave yourself in ruins.
This is messy and scattered but so are we and I love you more that I know how to breathe.
May 27, 2015
May 27, 2015 at 1:20 AM UTC
today it is sunday, and i want to be waking up with you.
look - this isn't going to be a cheesy poem about love, or maybe it is.
the summer of 2013.
i was only 15, i had no idea what love was.
you said it was never unrequited love, but what i perceived was just as bad. you loved the idea of a deadbeat me who would care only when you cared, and who wouldn’t mind being put on the bench when her team was losing. instead, i just scratched out my eyes and went to the mound anyways. somehow i never struck out.
some days i am an overly caffeinated and hyperventilated excuse for post traumatic stress induced dramatizations.
i wrote a trip report on you. the come up is foggy after repeated use. the peak is incredible as always. i am so ******* addicted that sometimes i forget everyone can see the track marks on my forearms.
if i were to speak for myself, i'd tell you that the universe is twice as big as we think it is and you're the only one who made that idea less devastating.
all the boys that had "loved me" before then, loved me with sweaty palms and left me with sad bruises. all the girls that "loved me" before then, loved me with busy mouths and shallow "i love you's". all the boys and girls i thought i might have "loved" were all just something leading me to you, and i think me still falling in love with you two years after we broke up really proves my point. loving you was different. it was hard. it was tiring. it happened fast. it happened so nicely. *it was. so. ******* worth. it. you're so worth it.* you have not been treated the way you should be treated, and i promise to make up for every time you were left upset all night crying because of the ****** person who made you feel that way.
this is so scattered.
it's like i wrote you into ******* existence. i never thought i would get the girl i've been dreaming up. you're everything i've ever written about all bundle up into one perfectly imperfect (beautifully) flawed person. and you're all mine.
look - i used to write you into a sad poem at two in the morning, and my bones trembled like your upper lip as you cried in your bathroom that night two summers ago. i think i’m still shaken because my skin is fitting a little strangely
i feel gravity in my kneecaps
i feel ice rubbing down my spine
i feel false hope and real hope,
and i feel the ten milligrams of relaxation that i took to forget what i could. the mass in my lungs is shrinking, the fear in my empty stomach is being replaced with love and it's all for you you you you y o u.
there was something in my bones that told me to love you. i remember promising to like you even after i knew everything about you, and it turns out i loved you instead.
i'll cut my soul into a million pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home.
i'll write love poems to the parts of yourself you can't stand.
i'll stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you i'm not afraid of your dark. you're so beautiful because you let yourself feel so many things, and that's pretty **** brave.
i am in love with you simply and as difficult as it is to remember all 10 trillion digits in pi. i want all of you, i am in love with all of you. i want you forever, i want to be in love with you forever.
i love you.
Feb 20, 2015
Feb 20, 2015 at 8:50 AM UTC
If I were an artist
I’d draw my way to heaven
Or rather paint myself into your presence
after all they are one and the same
I would craft a sculpture of you
And as much as I'd want the world to see
I’m would to keep it in my heart just for me
water colors to express the gentleness in your eyes
pastels to bring out the fullness of your lips
charcoal to show the depth of your dimples when you smile
If I were an artist I would try to recreate you everyday knowing what the final products will never do you justice
your smile is so illustrious it has gold accents on it
the copper tone of your skin is the perfect hue
If I were an artist I would create these things to resemble you but I’m not so I paint this picture instead
Feb 16, 2015
Feb 16, 2015 at 10:11 PM UTC
9:03 pm: I stand for nothing and fall for everything, but I've never fallen so hard for something as I have for you. I haven't wrote you anything in awhile and I think it's because I feel like I have you safely hidden in the middle of my palm in my fist, but lately I feel you slipping through my fingers. Are we okay?
9:46 pm: I've realized that I have trapped myself in a world of art being with you, everything I touch feels as if I'm experiencing it for the first time, but when I touch you, it's as if I'm touching fire, and baby, I haven't stopped lighting matches just to feel close to you.
10:21 pm: After our first love died out, others taught me love with bruises and punches but you haven't laid a hand on me and I can't decide if you don't love me or if this is true love. I'm leaning towards true love. I'm torn between showing you the darkest parts of me or shining a light on my cracked skin to avert your eyes from my scars. Does that make sense to you?
10:38 pm: This silence burns more than the ***** seeping down my throat could ever and I'm shaking at the thought of your mouth forming the words "goodbye". I've been built on the words "sorry I love someone else" and "this isn't going to work out" and if you listen closely, you can hear each person whisper those words that cut like knives when I cry. I sound like thunderstorms because I'm only a natural disaster, nothing less and nothing more.
11:02 pm: I wish I was bulletproof to the shots of sadness that are fired at me, but I am left convulsing with panic attacks and heart palpitations. Is it weird to want to die of a heart attack? Is it weird to want to be one of your cigarettes that you bite between your teeth? I want to be on top of your lips. I want you to breathe me in. Nothing makes me more afraid than you diving head first into a sea of lies about how I am cold and distant, because I've never felt more close to someone as I do to you. You'll find that I am only shattered glass, but do I ever want to be more for you. I want to be better for you, I want to be able to see happiness pouring out of your eyes so I can drown in them.
11:44 pm: You're a broken home but I still want to retire inside of you. I'll rebuild you if you'd hand me the tools. You don't even have to do so, I will fix you so you stand stronger than you ever have. You are a piece of art painted drunk and I want to kiss your canvas until my lips have left an imprint on you and we merge as one mess. This city rains too much and I have to get out and be with you, even if it does rain too much where you are, you shine brighter than the sun ever could.
1:20 am: I've taken 5 more shots and I can't stop sobbing your name. If I were ever to run into you I feel like it would be in the emergency room, but I'd still kiss you. I've attempted to write how much I love dating the girl of my dreams, I hope I'm still yours.
2:07 am: The slashes in my wrist match the lines in my walls and I can't stop staring at them because you always just say you're fine and I know you're not. I want to be so much more than this pile of dust, I want you to think I hung each star in the sky for you and that I created each galaxy to try and show you my love for you. You don't have to read all of this, my words are small and empty no matter how much of myself I pour into them, but I hope you believe them for once. I want to be so much and so little at the same time. I'm at war with my body and you're holding up a white flag for me and I don't know if I can recover. Somehow I managed to find myself with a handful of pills, just like 3 years ago when I attempted suicide to an Ed Sheeran song. You can say I love you to me but when I say it to you, my lips ache and my head fills with warning signs because it's never been this real before.
4:31 am: I woke up with uneven heart beats because I think you've started to regret me and I'd be lying if I said it never happens. I hope to one day convince you that you put the air in my lungs every day and I don't think I'd wake up every morning without you. Those are two things I'm very sure of. I don’t really remember what I lived for before you, I guess I wrote ****** poetry and thought drowning was fun in some sick way. I’ve been thinking about the way you’re going to kiss me, I’ve been prescribed antidepressants for 3 years and they’ve never really worked but i think your lips could cure me. I remember when we first started dating, i thought skin was supposed to be destroyed and i think thats when you realized that this wasn’t a two person relationship, it was you and I and my depression. I didn’t think the small of my back would ever crave being touched by someone as it does when i think about you. You say you see stars in my eyes and I pray to god that they don’t turn into black holes. I’m letting you pick apart my glass heart piece by piece and i never knew you had such strong hands until i didn’t see a cut on them while you examined such a shattered mess. God, I’m trying to put into words how much i love you and i know you think i don’t mean them and I’m searching for the right words but every time i take a step forward i take two steps back but I’ll keep on pushing because baby, you’re worth more than I can put into words.
Feb 16, 2015
Feb 16, 2015 at 10:08 PM UTC
Do not fall in love with a poet.
She will feed you galaxies
until you fall sick in her brown eyes.
Then, she'll steal the stars from your breaths,
pin them proudly to her chest,
and claim that she's the night.
And soon you'll miss blue skies,
and summer highlights in her curls.
And she'll ramble in her sleep,
say things she doesn't mean,
and write poems about
how she could never be the right girl.
But, when you think you've had enough,
her words will somehow pull you right back.
Because despite her moonlit dreams,
she's just what you need,
to fill up lonely blue lines
about all the things you lack.
Feb 2, 2015
Feb 2, 2015 at 8:34 PM UTC
I. You picked a **** out of a garden and became my first love. At the time I was trying to define who I was, searching in dictionaries for the word “bi” or “gay” to see if my name was there. I searched for who I was in other people and never saw myself reflected back until I felt your lips on mine and found out I was yours. You like to say we were only friends, but we were more because I started eating again and stopped harming my skin. Unfortunately you couldn’t teach my body to only love you and I hurt you so bad that physical pain would hurt less because I left you unconscious from a broken heart. It’s been over a year but I still hate myself for smashing your glass wrists and I’m reminded by it every time I see the cracks on them. I’m so sorry.
II. I see you smoking your cigarettes, nicotine swarming your lungs and I’ve never been more jealous. Halos of smoke fill the air and I wish I could sketch the way you look right now, you’re a god **** masterpiece.
III. I see the way sadness knocks at your door and how you lock it twice, but somehow it has the key. I see the way sadness grips onto your bones and holds on tightly, the silence is unbearable and tears drip down your face and it’s so hard to see you in so much pain but maybe this will help.
My words aren’t going to make sadness stop knocking, but I’ll put a **** “Do Not Disturb” sign up and lock the doors thrice.
When was the last time you slept? I won’t let the sadness take up your sheets where they turn to ocean waves and you feel like you’re drowning but the pills **** all the pain and your fingers are blue from trying to grasp what’s real and fake.
I won’t let sadness rearrange the words ***** into “happiness” because no matter what’s at the bottom of the bottle, it’ll make you forget anyhow.
I know that sadness whispers to you, and I know the way it touches you, and that’s why you can’t stop scratching your bare skin, isn’t it?
Sadness twists what you see in the mirror and you clench your teeth and break your rib cage and you smash the glass with your fists because looking at yourself in pieces seems more familiar.
IV. You think you’re trapped between two lungs but baby there’s so much more. I hope you never hate your scars because just like stars, they are the scars of the universe, or my universe at least.
It’s so hard to describe an angel when my voice shakes and stutters and no collection of words can ever describe how utterly breathtaking you are. And overtime you move I can’t stop watching you and I swear the earth stands still because it can’t keep it’s eyes off you. I look into your eyes and see heaven, yet I don’t believe in God but I have no problem worshiping you.
You hurt in places I never knew existed even though I’ve been between your veins and the crook of your neck and words tumble out of you mouth I’m okay I’m fine don’t worry, yet you tremble when you speak.
V. I write about you so much to remind you that I’ve not only inked my paper with the thought of you, but i can’t get you out of my head and I hope you stay.
Jan 2, 2015
Jan 2, 2015 at 2:42 PM UTC
As I write this great poem about how you broke my sick heart I have to stop and look to the ceiling so tears won’t overflow because it’s Christmas and today a year ago you asked me to be yours. I guess I didn’t realize that this was all a prank I was falling for when you made me feel invincible against everything, except you, and that’s probably why I still hurt over you 2 months later. I should have known that you weren’t someone who would stay because you didn’t stay up till 12 with me and you didn’t watch my favourite christmas movie and that’s always going to get to me.
you filled me with ***** that burned the back of my throat and bad thoughts that haunted my mind and made my entire ******* body shake. I carved my fingernails into my thighs because all I wanted was out, ****** I still want out, but when you saw the marks cut into me you held my hand and we walked to the convenience store at the end of my street where you pointed out the sharp razors to use instead. I can look on the skin covering my bones and still point out each scar where you thought I wasn’t capable of destroying myself more than you did. you left me convulsing over a toilet bowl because the way you treated me made me sick to my stomach and all I wanted to do was shrink and shrink and shrink until there was nothing left of me because you never knew how to love me, all you ever knew was how to destroy the already cracked pieces of me until I was left brittle, bruised, and bleeding. now all I do is speak in metaphors about you but **** you, you do not ******* deserve my poetry. I was only second choices and a maybe to you, I was never put first and I was never a yes and I wasn’t even a no. I still know your birthday and your middle name and your sisters due date and I remember the way my name rolled off your tongue and I know your scars and I know why you never wanted to stay home and you made yourself the ******* victim when I was the one you were killing. did you even mean a word you ever said or were they mistakes that you scribbled all over the walls that you easily erased but I could never erase it in my mind because it's there, all of your empty promises and words.
My chest aches and the doctors say that I have some sort of heart disease but I know its from loving you twice as much as you ever loved me. I’ve been drinking more than I’d like to admit, but drinking makes my head spin and I wake up to not remembering a thing and that’s exactly what it’s like to love you.
But I can’t forget you, I’ll never forget you, I can echo words you’ve said and I’ve always been told to hold onto the ones who love me with their words rather than their hands. But I question if you ever loved me because you made me give pieces of myself to you that never existed and I told you I loved you and you said it back but why the **** didn’t you want to be with me? You tore me down and yet I was stupid enough to stay and expect you to rebuild me and I let you see how damaged I was and you took advantage of me and ****** around with my feelings more and there were more blades and pills and drugs and drunk kisses and you made me want to die.
I’ve started peeling the skin off of my fingertips since you started finding happiness in others because you were home for 9 months and now I’m numb. No one has any interest in me, I am a walking paradox, always laughing like I believe that I have self worth when I really only see myself as self rot. And even though I want someone else, I’m sure she doesn’t want me, you’ve made me believe that. My chestnut eyes are as dull as grey clouds and memories of us are lodged between my ribs where they won’t ******* leave no matter how hard my body shakes when I think about you.
I thought being with you would cure the way my sadness creeps into my eyes and blurs my vision, but really it was letting you see the worst parts of me and grabbing onto your hands until they broke because I held onto you too tightly. I thought if I held onto you tight enough that you wouldn’t leave but too quickly I couldn’t even grasp your shadow because you were too busy with other girls ******* on your neck and leaving love bites and I was left with a bottle of tequila and your stupid promise to stay. I thought if I screamed loud enough about the pain you put me through that someone would hear, but you grabbed me by my throat before I could make a sound and told me that you’d fix me, but one night in your sleep you whispered that I was incurable. I thought if I could memorize each freckle and line on your body so that I could trace them in my sleep that you’d never leave, but now you’re tracing other girl’s bare body’s and I’m sketching anothers too.
Afterwards I was taught what love was with other peoples bodies instead of words and I started to see my bones and I couldn’t stop taking pills and something broke inside me like glass shattering and I woke up in the hospital from a heart attack because of my **** heart disease.
I still have heart problems and I still think of you a lot. I would like to say I’ve moved on too and I have. I’ve found love in another person but unfortunately she doesn’t see any love in me, and that’s okay because neither do I.
I would like to thank you honestly, my dad and you are the people who have hurt me the most and I don’t know why I let both of you take turns stabbing me until I bled dry, but now I’m a walking skeleton because I am so **** empty. I can’t find happiness no matter how hard I look and I don’t know why my body feels so heavy at 17, like I’ve already lived through 3 lives, but that’s life. It’s crazy that you inspire poetry when you’re the opposite of love and I honestly don’t care if you read this and you’re hurt because you hurt me for 9 months and I’m still hurting and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
Merry Christmas.
Dec 24, 2014
Dec 24, 2014 at 7:34 PM UTC
I'm not sure if you care much about me, I don't care much about me either, but ever since you came back after a year you've been flowing from the ink of my pen to my paper and I can't stop ******* writing about you.
I mostly sit in coffee shops thinking of how your left hand would spread across your cracked mug and how your right hand would grip my thigh, because you told me you always had to be touching me in one way or another to make up for the times you were too far to see the same stars as me. I see you carving our names into the wooden table and I'm tracing your lips with my cut up fingers and the only time you can tell me you love me is after a shot and a kiss or two. I never liked coffee until I tasted it tattooed on your lips and there I swallowed every apology for how much I drank and the way I ****** because both are so violent and both left us naked and crying until you held me so tight i thought my veins would burst, but I'd never tell you to stop.
Walking to the bus stop I confuse your eyes with street lights and maybe its because I'm slightly tipsy and in love with you. I hold your cut up hands, you told me your mom was trying to hurt you but you were as numb as you were when she slapped you, and you never cried. At the bus stop I kissed you so hard and your tears mixed with our saliva and I thought the four oceans had spilled from your beautiful eyes. On the bus I held you until you felt limp in my arms and I looked into your eyes and saw the street lights flicker and I made you get off at the next stop, even though we had 5 more to go. You had goosebumps covering your porcelain skin and you told me you had no idea who you were without your sadness in between sobs that shook my lungs and made me cry too.
Loving you is writing poetry so your eyes don't wander away from me even though I break pieces of myself to give to you so you'll stay, and that's not love but it's the only love I'll ever know.
Loving you is asking constantly if you've stopped loving me because self doubt swallows me whole and vomits apologies that tumble out of my mouth for the ways I try to **** myself I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
Loving you is echoing words I need to hear, hoping it'll quiet the voices in your head telling you to do terrible things to your body.
Loving you is listening to the 1975 and hearing your name in between each chord and *god ****** I love you*
Loving you is never knowing how you are but always knowing you're in your car, because you never like staying at home, and baby that's okay.
Loving you is never knowing the colours of your eyes because they always switch from brown to green and oh god I'm so scared for the day you won't be here.
Loving you is knowing that you have me tucked away in the back pocket of your skinny jeans but not knowing when you'll take me out and tell me you love me, because I do love you.
and I love you is big for me, it's an anxiety attack formed in words it's trying to speak with bruised lips from kissing you too hard it's breathing in water, but baby we're both drowning so we might as well hold hands and sink together.
Dec 21, 2014
Dec 21, 2014 at 10:39 PM UTC
I am still sitting at the side of the curb where you left me with your demons. I've been looking for a way out, an escape, but in all the wrong places.
I held hands with the devil and he took me to his bed where love turned to lust and my body was no longer a temple to worship. Now I shrink away from the slightest touch of anyone because I started to believe that they were all the devil in disguise, well aren't they dad?
I don't know why you came back and left as fast as you did, but it sure warned me about the people who made empty promises that echo off my walls at night.
The words I wanted to say to you that night still bounce off my lungs, some linger on my tongue, few make it to my lips.
I have to write about my strongest memory, so how could I forget the night you left?
I thought if I could be daddy's little girl the storm inside of me would settle and there would be peace, but you broke each one of my bones with your bare hands that night, leaving me in a pile of self rot on the curb, didn't dare to turn around to see your own blood destroyed and who was I to think that family was forever?
You told me I used you for your money, but all I ever used you for was love. I thought you were home but I never even lived there for two years before you packed my things, kicked me out, and slammed the door.
You got louder and I tried to cover my little brother's ears to protect him from the poison spewing from your mouth and I tried to cover his eyes so he wouldn't have to watch his sister be ripped to pieces by the man he looks up to.
After you left I walked into my house, the four oceans had been emptied and spilled from my eyes. I screamed about the hate I had for you and pounded my fists against the walls and my mom was scared and I saw the faith drain from her eyes when she realized what you had done.
Nothing is poetic or beautiful or okay about a father abandoning his daughter. So when I thought of my strongest memory, this one came to mind first and I hope you know that your daughter writes about the ways you destroyed her.
Dec 14, 2014
Dec 14, 2014 at 8:07 PM UTC