Something that I’ve missed
The quiet of sitting
Headphones playing a loved artist
This brings me peace
The stillness
Book in hand
Headphones playing a reminder
This brings me peace
A familiar feeling
A total stranger
Headphones playing cause you know me
This brings me peace
Dec 15, 2023
Dec 15, 2023 at 11:14 AM UTC
My head feels heavy
My eyes hurt
Blinking slowly
I’m holding back
The blanket covers me
It dulls the chill
The waves process and recess
I’m holding it in
My stomach aches
My heart hurts
The orchestra evokes emotions
I’m holding on
Time to get up
My eyes hurt
Heavy are my eyelids
I’m holding
The chill creeps in
The blanket is gone
It provides me with safety and comfort
I’m holding as I do
Cats scamper about
Dogs cuddle on their cozy bed
They are at peace in play and leisure
I’m holding it together
Tomorrow is almost here
I have to put on that suit
I have to button up that shirt
I’m holding by a thread
I’m holding back
I’m holding it in
I’m holding on
I’m holding it together
I’m holding on by a thread
May 17, 2022
May 17, 2022 at 9:39 PM UTC
My eyes.
My eyes are open.
My face it hurts.
My face it floods.
My eyes are open but they don’t see a thing.
My eyes are open but I just can’t see.
My screen burns my face.
My tears burn my face.
My eyes.
My eyes are open.
My face it hurts.
My face it floods.
My eyes are barely open.
My eyes refuse to take it all in.
My face is blank.
My face is covered, wet skin.
My eyes.
My eyes are open.
My face it hurts.
My face it floods.
My eyes want rest.
My eyes are so open but it burns with pain and exhaustion.
My face wants rest.
My face is blank and I proceed with caution.
My eyes.
My eyes are open.
My face it hurts.
My face it floods.
My eyes they drain completely...
My eyes they weep...
My face floods with grief...
My face just wants to sleep...
My eyes...
My eyes are open...
Aug 22, 2020
Aug 22, 2020 at 11:54 PM UTC
Frustrated is what I am
It's not who I am but it's definitely me at this very second.
Frustrated with this moment
It's not the moment I am in but it's definitely me in the distant past.
I am so done with this over all distinct dictation of how I should be within the realm of this happiness.
.....that didn't come out the way I wanted it too...
I am frustrated.
Frustrated is who I am because that's where I am.
It is me in this moment and it is me wanting more than maybe I deserve.
I'm not sure....I'm probably full of ******** on that last one.
Look....
I've been at this point for so long that I forget what it's like to work for something that makes me happy but I deserve to be happy, everyone does.
I've been missing out and I'm tired of it.
This whole thing makes no sense at all but what does?
Scratch the "but what does?"
This whole thing makes no sense.
I'm just so....what's the word....
Frustrated.
Sep 24, 2017
Sep 24, 2017 at 11:26 PM UTC
She is always there.
I never have to ask.
She never questions.
I do not always know what to say.
She is always there.
She is always there.
I never know how to fully let it out.
She never pries.
I do not understand how it got to this point.
She is always there.
She is always there.
I will never have her again the way that I need her.
She never abuses my heart.
I need her more and more.
She is always there.
She is always there.
I will never understand why my heart beckons for her.
She never squeezes although she has a firm grip on me.
She is always there.
I have never had to ask her for anything.
I have never had to hide any part of who I am from her.
I have never wanted to let her go again like I did foolishly so long ago.
I have never wished for anyone to be the one harder than I have wished for her.
I have continued to dream of her.
I have continued to breathe the same air she breathes.
I have continued to love her when I know things will likely never reach that point again.
I have continued and continued and have not let go of my hope for what could be for one simple reason...
She.
Is.
Always.
There.
Jan 18, 2017
Jan 18, 2017 at 12:41 AM UTC
Why do we view love as being something that's disposable?
Are we that caught up in the pain and the heartbreak that hurts as much when we break one of our opposables?
What are we going to do when the heart gets numb and our mind and our bodies and other parts go dumb, we wouldn't think it's so disposable then.
We'd sit here in our houses like sheep, thinking about the times back in high school thinking about the girl from class that we'd get no sleep.
We'd sit here on the porch and gaze at a streetlight that flickers our every few days.
We'd wish and wish that we could restart it all over and jumpstart our heart, we'd breathing deeply and scream because we know that'll never happen and it hurts too hard.
We'd pace around at our local grocery store and look up an item that triggers memories galore.
When will wake up to this realization and just the world be, these are the crazy thoughts my head keeps spinning, the ones that keep me up you see.
When will we wake up and smile and breathe and take a sip, we can make it further and further if we're willing to take the dip.
Jump into the deep end, get out, and wash it off because love is something like water it simply starts with a drip.
Oct 18, 2016
Oct 18, 2016 at 11:07 PM UTC
She is the eternal sunshine that brings life.
She is the warmth, the love, and the light.
She is the beautiful day that holds me together.
She is the eternal sunshine.
Sep 7, 2016
Sep 7, 2016 at 12:54 AM UTC
I haven't felt so alive in a long time, it's like this summer wasn't planned to be one for the record books.
It's like I've finally found my Alaska, but if you asked me if she'll stay I couldn't tell you.
Is she perfect?
Hell yeah, that's for **** sure
She's had that same wave length vibe as soon as she stepped through the door.
I try to cherish every moment because I know this will eventually end and I just want to hold onto it.
I want to sit in this seat for a moment so that I can enjoy your laughter for a little while longer.
I want to continue to discover new music, want to expand upon what I know so my ears and heart grow stronger.
I want to feel this and reel it in for just a second longer, these dream draws me in and makes my heart grow fonder.
Please wake me up now, I can't handle this sensation any longer.
You and i are on the same wave length and for me it's exciting.
You showed up at random like an empty storm, you were the lightning.
Loud, stunning, you spoke with wit, your words were cunning, and those eyes were so stunning.
To describe you much further would be much more difficult.
You've got something special, I can definitely see it.
It's a shame that world's can't align right now because we'd be divine, you know I mean it.
Someone wake me up now, this dream I've been in before, I've seen it.
I've clearly lost it now, my mind that is, to see a moment that's never happened and speak upon it in my dreams.
The dreams drive me crazy, they drive me to the brink, they drive me mad sometimes or was that my last drink?
But eventually at night the dreams I'm in never come to life and all I'll ever be is just a conversation to you, a distant memory, a wondering twilight.
Someone wake me up please, someone get me off this crazy thing.
Can you fall in love with the way someone rolls their eyes?
Every time she does it gives me butterflies.
I'll take any moment of feeling normal where I can get it, you've given me life.
But the dreams the come to and end, the moments where we both transcend.
It's coming to a close now but not like the ones before you.
Hard and fast, that's how this moment ends
Hard and fast, like how my heart beats and head spins...
Hard and fast, please don't go, this needs to last.
The final moment ends up lasting for a lifetime.
The final moment ends up being the perfect moment.
When you find something that's perfect you should always hold on to it, I'll put this ending on a shelf inside my heart.
If I ever forget this I know you'll surely slap me and if you want to know how I feel say "I've got a question I need to ask ya..."
I'll simply look back and say,
"You know how I feel, it hasn't changed, you're it, you're my Alaska."
Aug 18, 2016
Aug 18, 2016 at 9:14 AM UTC
I tried to drown inside a bottle one time.
I tried to drink myself into oblivion to remove every bit of your love from me.
I tried to drown myself, drown myself deep beneath the ways of fermented corn and wheat.
I tried to drown myself, tried to fill my lungs from bottom to top like the bartenders who would fill my cup.
I needed to drown.
I tried to **** myself with speed that was fueled by all of my anger.
I tried to **** myself with speed by mashing my foot down farther and farther you see.
I tried to **** myself with speed as I raced across the bridge that seemed to float over the sea,full of all that fermented wheat and corn that I through down my esophagus to try and drown away my heart and mind.
I needed to flee behind that wheel you see.
I tried to bury myself alive in what I thought would take my mind away from you.
I tried to bury myself alive in work and school and pointless endeavors.
I tried to bury myself alive so much that I finally almost got what I didn't want, self suffocation to shut my mind off.
I tried to bury myself alive, tried to choke myself off and turn this mind to the opposite of on.
I needed to suffocate.
I tried to burn away your memory with memories of others.
I tried to strike your memory from off my mind with empty relationships and moments of euphoria.
I tried so hard to pull you from my mind and heart, God did I try.
I tried to end my suffering and destroy my internal engine.
I tried to rip my heart out and stomp on it until it stopped pumping and thumping blood through every stricken vein.
I needed to die.
I tried to **** myself you see.
I tried to destroy everything that you made me to be.
I tried to get all of you out in the worst ways possible.
I tried to go down in what only seemed to be today's modern blaze of glory.
I tried to fall through the bottom of the pit that once was my life.
I tried to press fast forward so that I could quickly get to the end and not let time heal me.
I tried to press fast forward and accelerate the fall.
I needed to fall.
What I felt like I needed only turned into moments of life that I look back on and thank god that they didn't work.
What I did not realize in all those dark moments was that I was setting myself up for my next part.
I was beginning a new role, planning my restart.
I tried and tried and tried so hard to wreck who I was and go further to the dark side.
I eventually crawled my way out of that pit.
I climbed so high, fell a few times but found my way out of it.
I needed to fall.
What once was will never be again and if I could go back I wouldn't stop that downward spin.
I wouldn't reach down to grab myself, to give a hand of help that I felt no one was giving me, I was blind to those who tried because all I wanted to feel was the pain.
I wouldn't go back to change how it started, wouldn't try to fight myself, wouldn't try to fan the flame that had departed.
I wouldn't go back to the start you see because if I would've then I wouldn't be me.
I needed to drown.
I needed to flee behind that wheel.
I needed to suffocate.
I needed to die.
I needed to fall.
I needed to find myself through all the thorns and barbed twine.
I needed to fall.
I needed to stop pressing fast forward.
I needed to restart.
Jul 24, 2016
Jul 24, 2016 at 10:18 AM UTC
Cruising through the pale yellow lights on this Florida drive.
The trip to Jupiter was not nearly as far out as one would think, I tip my head back to finish my drink.
One light
Two lights
Three, now four
The bumpy road makes me a weary traveler, I want to be behind the wheel, in control.
The white lines pass by faster than one could blink, I tip my head back to finish my drink.
One tree
Two trees
Three, now four
Pale yellow as my heart stays mellow for another mile so far from home.
I'm so close to being back for what will feel like a breather.
One breath
Two breaths
Three, now four
The valley of my heart is not empty, it's more full than it has been in a while.
We curve and twist around a river much smaller than the Nile, maybe that's not a river at all and it's the ocean that at this moment looks small.
One wave
Two waves
Three, now four
The trumpets sound as my eyes grow tired, my head sinking towards the ground.
Stay up, you might as well a voice says to me, my heart slows to show that sleep is near me.
One beat
Two beats
Three, now four
The glow to my face, I should put it down, disconnect so my body can rest on low.
The glow of the headlights show no signs of slowing down.
The snare shot of an angry melody keeps my eyes barely open.
The blinks are slowing,
One blink
Two blinks
Three,
....now four....
Four
Fou
Fo
F
Sleep tight
Jul 12, 2016
Jul 12, 2016 at 5:47 PM UTC