heidi-shavill
American
I live in Colorado, my mom blew herself away so I am the proverbial orphan. I have demons, but I've made them my bitch. I smile every day cause I shouldn't. My son passed away 9 years ago, he was only 6. I have three other children one of them hates me, I deserve it. My oldest was relinquished on Christmas '89. She loves me for the life I gave her, the one I wished to have. My youngest is nearly 7 I hope to raise her right. I struggle but I'll persevere. I got Moxy so I stay afloat. My passion is to sing out loud every chance I get. I write so I don't snap one day I hope people enjoy it, but selfishly I write for my own sanity. I played Annie @ the Country Dinner Playhouse when I was nearly 8. Isn't that ironic? Don't ya think.....
How strange are all these feelings
Making my heart race
I wonder if breathing you in will forever fill the space
Your smile thaws my icy spots
Your touch reaches my soul
Without you I am half of one.
When I am near you I feel whole.
Do you ever believe
I could be the one for you?
What if I proclaimed my love!
ever wonder what you'd do?
Would you kindly
shake your head
and hold me
while I cry?
Or would you
nod emphatically?
and promise
we could try?
I don't know
what is in store
for you and I
quite yet
All I know is
I cherish all the time
with you I have spent
I hope you know
within your heart
a true friend
in me
you've found,
I will be
in your corner
picking u up should
u fall down.
So dont
be surprised
to find out
that i love you
madly friend
Embrace it
with the knowledge
that on me
you can depend.
Heidi Shavill
2017
Oct 24, 2018
Oct 24, 2018 at 10:29 PM UTC
I see all of you grieving
because I recently passed.
I hope each day you grieve for me,
it's the last.
just as you never left my side;
I'm always near you,
even though I've died.
I can't describe the way it feels,
only that, all my pain is gone,
and here every broken heart heals…
There is no more self loathing,
betrayal or lies.
It no longer hurts,
once peace takes over,
insanity subsides…
I know I left you suddenly,
and I never reached out…
you see,
I knew you'd come running
But I wanted out.
I simply could not continue
with this facade
inside it was dark
I felt twisted
and flawed.
those who were closest to me
can convey
I never wanted
to live my life in this way
I'm sorry I left you
with questions unasked…
I lived barely present;
deeply stuck, in the past.
You all were the reasons
I got up each day,
Your love filled me then
and it still does today.
Please
let the comfort
from our memories
be enough for now.
Try not to focus
on your anger
or obsess over how.
I live in your heart
so please don't be afraid
if you hear my voice whispering,
‘’Don't cry, I'm okay’’
I have lots of friends
and family
I've missed over here,
but remember
I still love you
and hold each one of you dear
I haven't left you
I promise
I'm always right here.
I am grateful
I had such amazing friends
it's crazy
because that is all
really matters
in the end…
Written by
Heidi Shavill
2018
Oct 24, 2018
Oct 24, 2018 at 3:06 AM UTC
"Friend's" like you are a dime a dozen,
And I have far too many...
Smiles don't light up your face, and depth?
You don't have any...
Transparent is the color of your eyes,
your dismal soul is ugly...
Beyond the nose on your face,
there is a world you disregard smugly...
I've tried to gain perspective,
and see **** from your shoes...
Honestly, I can't fathom,
relating to your views...
Believe me I don't trust you,
I never will, in fact...
Because you've done me *****
And stabbed me in the back...
How can you keep track,
Of all the lies you spew???
I suppose it's relatively easy,
When spewing lies is all you do...
I deeply regret sharing with you,
My darkest, inner demons...
God I wish your mother,
would have swallowed your dads *****
Now that it's finally off my chest,
There's one thing left to do...
Consider you my enemy,
And embrace "friends"
who are true.
Heidi Shavill
2016
Aug 20, 2016
Aug 20, 2016 at 7:25 PM UTC
The person looking back at me,
from my mirrors brutal gaze,
Bears no clear resemblance
of my body or my face...
I can't believe I look so old,
my hairs gray, and I'm fat...
How come he's still here I ponder;
he never signed up for that...
I look away disgusted,
with who I've grown to be,
Now I have to be ashamed;
that ugly persons' me...
I'm sorry when he looks my way,
that this is what he sees...
No wonder he keeps his options open,
in case he ever leaves...
I couldnt even blame him,
if he was unfaithful,
a real friend would let him go;
expecting him to stay seems hateful...
with a second glance,
into my evil looking glass...
I see the pain I have endured,
and how lifes kicked my ***
I reflect on how hard I've fought to be
someone that makes me proud
I spent so much time hating myself
I wore hate like a shroud...
With a deep inhale, and one last look,
in my mirrors direction.
I bravely lift my head to see,
at last my horrible reflection...
I looked into my eyes this time
and Thats where I saw the spark
The light inside them is beckoning
it illuminates the dark
Turns out Inside I am not ugly.
theres beauty to be seen...
Hopefully he sees past my flesh
and loves whats in between.
Heidi Shavill
2016
Aug 20, 2016
Aug 20, 2016 at 7:12 PM UTC
Why Angels fall
Awakened by an eerie dream
Of weary angels with tattered wings
Their song was woeful and it broke my heart
I asked them if they knew the part
where I alone lived through hell
The angel closest to me sighed,
and then began to yell
“Dear child don’t be selfish! life’s not always about you.”
“You think we left you all alone; yet this simply is not true.”
Another spoke much quieter, she said,
“I beg your pardon,”
“You’ve had the best protecting you,
Hand plucked, from heavens garden.”
My response was if that is true then please explain,
how each of them were able
The youngest one emerged just then
from underneath my table,
He was a child of maybe ten
I wondered how he died,
With tears falling from his eyes he whispered
“we have tried,”
Timidly he approached me,
a tarnished halo on his head
Then nearly imperceptibly, the youngest angel said,
“We were beaten quite extensively,
and for a long, long time”
“Our wings you see are tattered now;
and we need our wings to fly,
It’s hard to sit and listen to all that they’d endured
I realized right then how badly my vision was obscured.
An older angel shuffled towards me,
with no wings at all
I can’t express how bad it feels
to have made these angels fall.
while looking deep into my soul, he struggled to convey
“The demons were a burden, sure
though they’re all gone today.”
“ Sadly, the only one unconquered,
your worst nemesis, is you,”
We’ve come bearing hope, perhaps that you‘d know what to do
To slay the beast you’re on your own;
I heard them loud and clear
“I’m sorry,”
I said loudly, to be sure they each could hear
The beast in there’s enormous
and nastier than me
I promised them I’d do my best,
though surely they could see
That I was no contender;
his wrath he will reign down
Then gracefully a girl approached me
wearing a flowing gown
Into my ear she whispered,
a message that was sent from above
“All you need is in your heart
the most powerful weapons love.”
Heidi Shavill 2013
Oct 24, 2013
Oct 24, 2013 at 7:52 AM UTC
Addiction,
you have sent me reeling
headlong over feet
I sneak around and lie for you,
it’s important that I’m discreet
So nothing comes between us,
cause I need you around
You pick me up we dance,
twirl,
spin,
right before you knock me down
Addiction are you angry?
I feel strongly that you are
I scream at you
“DON’T LEAVE ME”
I wear your tell-tale scars
I mainline this cyanide
through my eager veins
Twisted sick compulsion
needles stabbing
kills my pain.
Devouring any hopeful dreams
that I could one day be
Someone to be cherished,
loved and truly happy
When I was ten he pushed you in,
hoping I wouldn't tell
Now we are inseparable,
depravity is where we dwell
Trust me I don’t want to feel this ****
so I stay high
Until the day comes to pass
when I don’t want to die.
Heidi Shavill
2013
Oct 24, 2013
Oct 24, 2013 at 7:34 AM UTC
**
Please don't give up on me,
without you I'm not ****
Whatever life throws our way,
I know we'll get through it.
Sorry I'm a ***** sometimes,
you're not the one I'm mad at.
I hear myself saying mean things,
baby you don't deserve that.
You are my best friend,
the only one that's true.
It breaks my heart to imagine,
us ever being through.
If you will stand with me here,
I'll make it worth your while.
I promise every day my goal,
will be to make you smile.
Heidi Shavill
2013
**
Aug 17, 2013
Aug 17, 2013 at 10:42 AM UTC
**Fight to make your presence known
Fight to make something your own
Fight to stand up to the wrong
Fight to sing one more song
Fight to end up at the top
Fight to make bad **** stop
Fight because it’s what you’re told
Fight, be fierce, strong and bold
Fight for rights you think we need
Fight to stay awake and read
Fight to always give your all
Fight back every time you fall
Fight from looking in too deep
Fight depressions need for sleep
Fight for children in foster homes
Fight the fear you’ll die alone
Fight as if today’s your last
Fight to persevere your past
Fight to see your grandkids birth
Fight to the death for mother Earth
Fight back tears and wear a smile
Fight the urgency and stay awhile
Fight for fun or relieving stress
Fight for whatever you think is best
Fight because they struck you first
Fighting your best friends the worst
Fight to improve yourself bit by bit
Fight belifs that you'll fail at it
Fight for you and all you are
Fight the darkness; brilliant star
Fight thoughts that you’re not enough
Fight their hatred with undying love
Heidi Shavill 2013
**
Aug 17, 2013
Aug 17, 2013 at 3:12 AM UTC
If one heart breaks too many times, the outcome is severe,
This is my first-hand account, and why I’m standing here.
I was not protected, believed, comforted or heard
To expect I’d rally differently, or better is absurd.
Who the hell do you think you are?
Creating demons, and inflicting scars
Never showing me affection, and rarely being kind
Really does a number on a child’s simple mind.
I slid a razor over my skin, the first time when I was six
The cuts have healed just fine, mental anguish ******* sticks
The problem is, the six year old, you tortured has grown up
Turns out I can be loved Frances,
so I filled my own cup
You mean nothing to me Frances.
Ivan, **** you too!
I hope you know, in many ways,
I've killed the both of you.
Sam I ******* hate your stupid *** for what you did.
Do you feel remorseful now, or are you still ******* kids?
My wish for you… suffering, much more before your dead
If I were you, I’d **** myself, just like the voices said.
Eric you aren't worth a single word from me or a wisp of air,
You could die today in fact and nobody would care.
Ivan you’re the disappointment, you aren't even a man.
Get in my face you ******* coward and I’ll drop you where you stand.
Judge not, lest he be judged himself; old man I wouldn't dare
You should have ******* stopped him Ivan, after all, you were right there
Instead you did what you do best and hid under a hood
You probably think we'll meet in hell, but me and God are good
Keep yourselves away from me, I am better than y’all
My heads held high, were toe to toe, I’m big now and you’re small.
Those of you reading this might think I’m being mean
Trust me though when I say this you ain't seen anything
Heidi Shavill
2013
May 28, 2013
May 28, 2013 at 1:02 AM UTC
The Songbird
Are you broken-hearted? Mend it with a song.
Sing one retaliating against how you’ve been done wrong,
Songbird your voice draws goose bumps, and tears.
Sing out loud using only your deepest wounds, and fears.
Sing by heart, be confident and proud
Sing in the shower, to yourself, or bravely to a crowd.
Lullaby yourself to sleep,
With soothing songs much peace you’ll reap.
Strong and beautiful, this voice in me
Soulful anguish will set you free
When expelled from your spirit lyrically.
Sing a song of sorrow for the little one inside,
For she remains twisted from insanity, still cutting, deprived.
Sing one jubilantly, of sunflowers and frogs
Then laugh so hard it hurts your sides until giggles become sobs.
Don’t be afraid to sing one hymn along with me,
About how life endured, strengthens our melody.
Whether acappella, country or the blues,
Let your raw emotion be the one to choose
Notice how we pick the songs that strum our broken hearts
It's only through revealing pain, that the healing starts.
Heidi Shavill
2013
May 26, 2013
May 26, 2013 at 1:15 AM UTC