i took a picture once
of a beach in a city
that i love
and the people are all so small
next to the big big buildings
that line the coast
i took a picture once
of a beach in a city
that I love
a city filled with dreams
and little wishes and
bigger hopes.
a city where i found myself
and lost myself
and found myself again
and maybe lost myself once more
i'll find me again someday.
i took a picture once
of a beach in a city
that I love
because i wanted to remember the feeling of
being so small, surrounded by big big buildings
and other small people
who came to the beach in the city that I love
probably to read and lounge and take a swim
or maybe to ponder big questions next to big big buildings
and endless lakes that stretch to the horizon.
maybe someone once took a picture
at a beach in a city I love
and i am the small person
peering up at the big big buildings
wondering who else knows
i exits.
Jan 25, 2019
Jan 25, 2019 at 12:35 AM UTC
seeing you sit across me is
scary and
familiar
and scary because its familiar
(and familiar because it is scary)
i don't love you any more.
and that is scary and unfamiliar.
but seeing you sit across from me i became so sure
that i didn't even need to question it.
i feel the hole in my heart stitching its last little stiches
it is fragile but it is complete.
i will never regret my love for you
because to love is to feel and to feel is to be human
i will never regret how i gave you everything i had
but i will always regret not seeing when enough was enough
for not believing i was enough.
i am enough.
sitting across from you is pleasant but fleeting
and though i'll smell your scent on me for hours afterwards
and stand and watch you walk away for a little too long
it will all flutter away
it will melt and it will pass.
and i will smile because i am full and a little more sure
and that is scary and unfamiliar
yet pleasant and permanent.
Apr 9, 2018
Apr 9, 2018 at 4:20 PM UTC
each and every day
is a little easier
182 days of
deep breaths
and adventures
and pain
and healing
its the little things
you know?
remembering the words you said
the anger you caused
the way you treated me.
the way i felt:
drowning in undying love
for a person who would never
love me back.
the way i felt:
drowning in anger
at myself
for my stupidity
for my helplessness
the way i worked:
the itty bitty steps towards
fullness
the realization that I deserve something better.
i still worry i meant nothing to you.
that everything was all a lie
that all our love was just the fog,
disorienting and fleeting.
but
i am every piece of every moment
before you
with you
and now after.
i am everything and anything
and i feel and i feel and i feel.
i am all the little things.
i am not nothing.
Jan 28, 2018
Jan 28, 2018 at 11:00 PM UTC
everything i feel now is
bitterness and regret
i want to say our love wasnt such a mess
but that would be a lie to myself
and to the world
and I just want to feel like i am important
and free and unfurled
i wish that you had loved for everything i am
and i wish i noticed everything you werent
but here i am 5 months later
alone and scared and shy
and i wish that i could fall for someone else
the way i fell for you
but life isnt perfect so ill monitor your moves
on some media platform and ill wonder
do you do the same as i do?
or am i lost to the past?
and what all is left
of what we were?
who am i now that
time has gone on by?
i loved you with my everything
my all
my best
and I want to go back to when things werent such a mess
but here i am now
vulnerable and so afraid
of who i am
what ill be
who ill love
without you.
Nov 25, 2017
Nov 25, 2017 at 1:34 AM UTC
someday this won't hurt
but today it still does
and that's okay
i think
its the little things
you know?
the posts you share
the things we used to share
we don't share them anymore
i want to pretend like you are upset
you are bereft
that you feel the way i feel
but i don't think you do
and the worst part is
i don't know
i want reassurance that i meant something to you
that this wasn't nothing
that i am not nothing.
i am every piece of every moment
those moments include you
those moments existed before you
i am everything and anything
and i feel and i feel and i feel.
i am all the little things.
i am not nothing.
Aug 3, 2017
Aug 3, 2017 at 5:37 PM UTC
when you told me you loved me
i thought i was safe
because you said it first
and you said it fully
and you said it with a desperation behind your eyes
i said it back
but a few days later
and timidly
and with fear
we said that we loved each other
and I think that we meant it
i did.
but now i question everything
i knew we weren't perfect
nothing ever is
but love is funny
like a white male comic
who spews ****** jokes
but still gets the laugh
i keep finding pieces of you
in my room
in my car
in my heart
i wanted to tell you about the new exhibit
at the museum
where we looked at the small rooms
and we laughed in each others company
i wanted to tell you that i saw a movie
and you would have loved it
i wanted to tell you that the silence hurts me
that it feels heavy and angry in its weightlessness
that your absence is greater than your presence
if only we had gone to see
more movies
or laughed a little harder
or taken care of ourselves
in the way we aren't capable of doing
if only i had texted less
texted more
been ever-present
and invisible at the same time
if only what you wanted was possible
if i could turn back the clock
to the day you told me you loved me
i wouldn't change a thing.
Aug 2, 2017
Aug 2, 2017 at 6:31 PM UTC
i love you so much
in ways i cannot describe
i just
feel it
the way looking at you makes me nervous
the way thinking about the future makes me weep
the way knowing forever isn't truly permanent
makes me feel defeated
i love you so much
in ways i cannot describe
because saying them out loud makes them true
the way you wheeze when you find something funny
or how you look when you're sleeping
or how you can spout nonsense on cue
love is pain disguised by fullness
they are two ends of the same circle
the fine line where they meet
eventually becomes indistinguishable
i hate to see your eyes empty
to see your smile fade and the light slip out
don't shut out my love, love
don't close off you heart
i love you so much
i could love you always
but i'm too scared of always
to love you forever
Jun 20, 2017
Jun 20, 2017 at 1:47 AM UTC
home
each drop a little reminder of
summer camp storms
and big Tennessee yards
and happy singing dancing spinning
into memories frozen in time
summer rain feels like
longing
each drop a heart ache, a heart break
an awful nostalgia that pokes and pinches and burns
i want to move like the clouds
swiftly, with angry tears
leaving pieces of me behind to be evaporated by a warm sun
each little drop is a piece of who I am
each little drop is a piece of who I was
each little drop is a piece of
summer rain
Jun 18, 2017
Jun 18, 2017 at 7:39 PM UTC
deep in the pit of my stomach
sits a small but heavy rock.
like water at the bottom of a broken well,
it sits, and sits, and sits.
but unlike that water, it does not evaporate.
It will not evaporate. It cannot evaporate.
the rock in the pit of my stomach sometimes feels like homesickness.
that’s how I describe it:
an intense longing for comfort, for ease,
but no respite in site.
one year ago
i thought i was at the brink of escape.
the rock would escape the well.
i would escape the rock.
i was foolish.
you cannot not run from rocks
in the pits of stomachs
so engrained into the lining
that they are fully a part of
who you are.
one year ago
i thought i was at the brink of newness, freshness, wholesome beginnings
i was to be born-again
i was to be crying, screaming into a new life
i was to be able to breathe without fluids
drowning my lungs with expectations.
life cannot be born again.
life cannot be restarted.
life cannot be a clean slate.
each atom i have is different from the atoms i was made up of last year
but they've seen all the same ****
there is no escaping
there is only moving forward.
May 8, 2017
May 8, 2017 at 1:43 AM UTC
i ask my best friend for everything
because she knows best
and i know nothing.
i asked her if you could be in love with two people at one time
and she said:
yes.
but
i don't know how to stop loving him even though i know i should.
i don't know how to stop loving him because i don't know which one i am supposed to stop loving.
Nov 16, 2016
Nov 16, 2016 at 1:52 AM UTC