sorrow fills my body but i don't notice
until it's too late.
but when is
"too late"?
is it when my tears are barreling out of their ducts like tsunamis?
or when i can't get out of bed more than twice a day?
or when i don't know if the reason i can't breathe is the weight of melancholy on my chest or not?
or is "too late"
the beginning of it all?
when is it "too late"?
"too late" has a certain ring to it.
it sounds
like when you're rushing to get someplace important but you trip and fall
and realize
that it doesn't truly matter.
because nothing does.
when is "too late"?
Dec 8, 2022
Dec 8, 2022 at 10:46 AM UTC
i don't know how to accept that you don't hate me.
no, don't tell me you don't.
actually, please do.
please, i need it.
just to breathe.
please,
stop.
i know you don't hate me,
but do you know that i'm falling apart?
does my love for you sink into your skin?
does it reach around your heart and hold you so close you feel like you'll fall apart if there were even an inkling of doubt?
is it noticeable?
that i'm crumbling?
that i don't know the difference between love and tolerance?
can i accept it as fact when you say you love me?
or will i continue to distance myself when really all i need to do is listen?
and no, i'm not asking for reassurance.
i'm begging.
i need it.
please, i need it
just to breathe.
please,
stop.
Dec 8, 2022
Dec 8, 2022 at 10:40 AM UTC
is he sighing too heavy?
is he furthering himself from you?
does he seem like he's lost in thought?
do you think he's numb?
do you think he's in pain?
you say "notice the signs"
and all the signs are right here.
so, why aren't you noticing them?
i thought you would notice this time.
after all, you've seen them so many times
but you didn't notice them before,
so, why would you suddenly notice now?
Dec 8, 2022
Dec 8, 2022 at 10:06 AM UTC
you were the one he'd always leave me for,
you knew how i felt about him,
about you.
i loved you
i trusted you
i think about you when i pass the subway next to the domino's.
i thought about you yesterday
i thought about you today
and i'll think about you everyday
did you think about me on my birthday?
do you think about me at all?
it's hard to think we were so close once.
we havent spoken in a year,
and i dont want to speak to you.
we loved eachother.
you cheated,
and you lied.
you were kind,
that's who i loved.
it was your birthday,
was it a good one?
i hope youre okay,
i hope youre better.
Dec 4, 2020
Dec 4, 2020 at 8:03 PM UTC
he broke me more times than i can count,
more times than i'd like to say,
but i still blame myself.
i thought it was all my fault,
that i was a bad partner,
that i was the reason everything went wrong.
i think about him a lot.
i think about the scars he's left,
the few good memories there were of us,
that i loved him unconditionally,
his hugs, his touch, his lips, his hair
and the worst part is,
i miss it.
Nov 28, 2020
Nov 28, 2020 at 6:02 PM UTC
what if i am faking it?
i'm a fraud
i dont know what to do,
or who i am
i'm nervous
i'm angry
i'm anxious
i'm scared
it's all fake
i don't feel any more
what if she's right?
i don't have anxiety
it's all fake
what if i'm faking it?
Nov 10, 2020
Nov 10, 2020 at 7:08 PM UTC
i wonder how many people
dated me just for my body,
or the pleasure that they knew i could give them.
i want to know if im any good for anything besides your pleasure.
did you fall in love with me?
or did you fall for my body?
tell me,
was i just your "friend with benefits",
to emotionally **** with?
or did you fall in love with me?
did you want me for my sense of humor,
my music taste,
my sense of pride,
my fashion sense?
or,
for my body?
did you think,
"yeah, theyre hot"
or did you think,
"this person and i are meant to be"
"this person makes me feel loved"
"this person gives me butterflies.
they make me feel like im on top of the world,
like im all that matters to them,
like im the only one they need,
they want,
the one they'd marry."
i thought i was that for you,
i guess i was just your toy
Oct 11, 2020
Oct 11, 2020 at 10:38 PM UTC
i'm tired of trying
trying to feel okay,
to even look okay.
it's so draining
there's no point,
you told me to try for you, if not for me.
i'm trying SO hard for you
im exhausted
i'm slowly heading back into that darkness-
that emptiness
the sinking feelings inside
the feeling of being lost
the knowing
the knowing that there's no hope for me
you said if i tried hard enough
i'd be happy
im trying my hardest,
and i haven't found him yet.
i haven't found the happy me.
you told me to stay for you
you told me i belonged here still
is this what you asked for?
you asked for me to stay.
the me that's here isn't what you wanted back.
i'm empty,
and i can't keep kidding myself.
i can't keep kidding you.
i can't give you the happy me you wanted back.
Sep 10, 2020
Sep 10, 2020 at 3:51 PM UTC
you told me you didnt feel loved,
so i tried to give you more love than i was supposed to.
i did too much.
i gave you too much affection.
i made too many mistakes,
and,
i guess,
my efforts werent enough for you,
or maybe they were too much for you
i did almost everything you wanted me to.
i tried to be myself,
i tried to be funny enough,
i tried,
for you.
i was too much for you,
too many emotions,
too many thoughts,
too much hurt,
too many problems,
too much darkness.
i tried to be a positive part of your life.
and i only ended up hurting you
and for that,
im sorry.
Apr 28, 2020
Apr 28, 2020 at 11:14 AM UTC