these thoughts you're having
they aren't actually real
i'm lying on the couch in my therapist's office
she didn't notice i nodded off
how does that make you feel?
you have to be ******* kidding me
she isn't kidding
i sit up on the couch
i didn't think people actually asked that
asked you "how you feel" about everything
she stares in silence
what do you want me to say?
she pursed her lips in preparation to speak
i cut her off
you know how i ******* feel?
i feel ******
i'm pretty messed up over all of this
i hate it
i hate that even the way
she ******* looks at me
brings me to my knees
i take a breath
i'm sorry
i'm sorry i'm so angry all the time
you shouldn't apologize for how you feel
but i can't stop apologizing
somedays i wake up &
i feel my heart beating slower
my heart is so heavy with guilt
over something i know i couldn't control
& all i can think about is
how ******* sorry i am
i hang my head down
i can't even look at my feet anymore
because i hate where they are
i hate that they're not next to hers
i pause
do you know what it's like
missing someone so much
that you can't catch your breath
when you think of them?
she doesn't answer
i guess it doesn't matter because
that isn't even close
to how much i miss her
what do you miss about her?
Jan 8, 2015
Jan 8, 2015 at 12:29 AM UTC
a gas pedal pressed all
the way to the floor
passing all of the lights & not feeling
your heartbeat in the flicker
a quick approaching bend
(& i'm so sorry but)
how i wouldn't slowdown
the split second where time freezes
& my life flashes before my eyes
seeing a worn out repeat of
you walking away
my name rolling off your tongue
one last time
so i can hear it fade out
pinpointing the moment
i completely lost myself
chasing you but
running in place
while time speeds back up
praying in the debris
that there's a parallel universe
where you stayed
these permanent footprints
facing away from me
that show up in the pavement
wherever i go now
every single night
you were in love with me
& the accompanying bottle
the haunting resemblance of
your promises to me
in poems about him
how i've got nothing else to bet on
because you were my all in
this fire you've started
in a forest that was never yours
how much time we would have had
if we measured it in the moments
i loved you the hardest
my apology for
missing you this much
even though you're still here
Oct 14, 2014
Oct 14, 2014 at 10:56 PM UTC
we're walking along the shore
you're a few steps ahead of me
the waves settle as you pass them by
i hope you don't notice that
i'm blinking twice as much as usual
just gotta prove to myself that this is real
it isn't real
it's gotta be real
you turn around & smile
why'd you have to smile
my hands clench
you've gotta stop that
you've gotta stop all the
push & pull
i dig my feet in the sand
i'm here
i'm right here
& i've never wanted to be
anywhere else
you walk toward the ocean
that's the **** i'm talking about
the same old ****
i'm always talking about
waves crash on your feet
you're constantly running
you're scared that maybe
just maybe
you want to be here too
my stomach drops
i'm so *******
in love with you
you don't even flinch
****
i close my eyes
i want to try this again
i dig my feet deeper in the sand
i'm here
& i don't care when
the tide comes in or goes out
i will stay
i ******* want it to drown me
i can't stop feeling you
everywhere i go
& i swear
this yearning inside of me
is going to burn a hole
right through my chest
i feel you move closer
i'm tired of waiting for tomorrow
when exactly what i want
is standing in front of me today
everything goes silent
do you want to be here too?
i open my eyes
it isn't real
Oct 7, 2014
Oct 7, 2014 at 1:45 AM UTC
the seasons have been changing &
i’m not sure why i thought we wouldn’t
succumb to the ways of mother nature
it’s a lot of should have, could have,
would have and not enough
stay with me tonight & we can figure the
rest out in the morning
but this isn’t about the staying or the going
you’re breathing slowly &
i’m drinking more than i should
we’re drifting through a phase of
let me try this without you but
what about the handful of nights i woke up in a
panic because i dreamt of your
name coming out of a mouth
that wasn’t mine
i heard love is supposed to be
a game of tug of war
when really it’s me & our ghost
pulling on an empty rope
because the only type of fight you know
is running until your hands feel innocent again
i crossed the border last night
& i swear that the street lights were talking to me
in a way that would lead me
straight to your house
but i kept telling them you weren't there anymore
that you had a bad habit of
moving wherever the sun looked best
the ground i walk on isn't as strong these days
& i've got to stop dancing to our song in the kitchen alone
i'm sorry that i'm anchored to
the moments you were in love with me
it's just that i think if you would've picked up
the phone that night then i wouldn't have to
keep begging you to come home
everything starts over at the time it began
& i'll wait until december comes again
Oct 3, 2014
Oct 3, 2014 at 9:32 PM UTC