very irritable
people ******* ****
i only have 2 friends that i can really put my faith in
i hate where i live because i feel like an outsider
if it werent for my band id be long gone from here
ive been stuck in my room for as long as i can remember
doing anything but moving forward with my life
and it feels good to get away from all the ******** around me
but because ive been hiding so long from all my friends and family
they don't know the mental adventures ive put myself through
and the person ive become because of it
and ive let others tell me who i am for so long that ive forgotten who i really am
and i know im a good person but i cant just sit here and let others take advantage of me
and everytime i lash out in a fit of rage i feel like I lose a little bit of who i am
or once was
or maybe that's just who i am
an angry and sad person
dealing with my own struggles i place upon myself
and im constantly hard on myself because i know i can be better and do things right
but i take the easy way out and ignore everything that stands in my way
because im tired of trying and getting nothing out of it
and im especially tired of trying to expect the best out of people when that never happens
so im settling on expecting the worst out of everybody
since thats what tends to happen most of the time
it makes sense
it makes sense to me at least
but when people ask me why i act the way i do i just tell them that's just how i am
because it's easier to attach myself to my problems than explain why they're there in the first place
because nobody really actually cares about the problems, they're all just curious
but when im told "hey man how are you doing" im obliged to say "fine" but really things arent ok
not im my mind
but i tell them things are ok just to make people have a sense that there aren't any problems
and if I were to actually bring up anything thats really on my mind
im just met with pseudotherapists and people with solutions who have words of encouragement and goodness
but all i hear is that im wrong
and im used to being wrong
and i try to explain myself to these curious people just to realize that i've already forgotten everything
i dont know why i'm like this
i dont know why these problems are here
im convinced that i dont even have any real problems
and that i've just tricked myself into being angry and upset constantly for no reason
and that just ****** me off even more
I dont know what's wrong with me and i feel helpless and worthless
but thank god for my 2 friends who accept me and endure the hell i think i put them through
i know im an insufferable person on the inside
but ive just gotten real good at filtering the negativity that comes out of my mouth
thinking that none of it matters
because it doesnt matter
none of my problems matter because confronting them goes nowhere but straight down to rock bottom
and i couldnt bear to invite my friends on for the ride
they mean too much to me
sometimes i think that i care about things too much and maybe thats my problem
but then i think that if i really did care about things too much
then id actually make a positive change for the things i care about
and instead i sit here and mope and complain about things out of my control
just to realize that i shouldnt care in the first place
and it all comes full circle
i shouldn't care at all in the first place
i shouldn't care about anything since nothing except for my 2 friends cares about me
im glad i have apathy and rage standing beside me at all times because when i come crashing down
at least i know what will be there to back me up
and once my body makes contact with the cold hard ground
i will have nothing left
and that in itself is a liberating feeling
to know that i have no more responsibility and nothing left to care about
there will be nothing that can turn around and completely subvert my expectations
nobody to make me feel hopeless
but im never gonna reach that point
ill never get that far because ive never gotten far in the first place
i should just stop caring entirely
and ill still be here in my room not caring
not doing a single ******* thing that benefits me
i dont know where i am anymore
lost in my mind
completely lost
Jun 28, 2020
Jun 28, 2020 at 10:10 PM UTC
My life resonates within the strings of A minor seventh
A tone which gives me a purpose
And a chilling down my spine
As it echoes through my fingers
up my arms
through my chest
and into my heart
I forget
At least, I really try to. It's been so long since I've touched a girl.
I only remember
how much I wanted
somebody to experience life with
But
How can you experience life
with somebody whose life has already been
completely changed by people you've
never met?
Each string pulls me in closer and closer
to complete each set of moves just as I lean in
and kiss you, ever so slightly.
And the burning of
sensitive flesh, just as if it were the first time,
marks the fully fleshed out chord that rings
between our heartstrings until only the memory
of such a beautiful sound
is left and
never forgotten.
Apr 22, 2018
Apr 22, 2018 at 11:49 PM UTC
What if there was an alternate universe
where I would have known that
mistake would have been made
and avoided it?
What if there was an alternate universe
where I just didn't care at all
and that everything I am now
just never happened?
What if there was an alternate universe
where at every point in time
I was positioned
slightly to the left?
Mar 2, 2018
Mar 2, 2018 at 12:23 PM UTC
I'm a reject and i know this because
everybody has that one person or
one group of people that
just isn't the same without each other.
But I
have never found such people
I wander, hopelessly hopeful
of making some conversation,
but I never have anything to talk about
because I can never be a part of their
life long enough to have anything
meaningful to mention
I'm a reject and i know this because
people i know are usually easily picked
out of a crowd. They are never left behind.
They are included.
But I
always enter the chatter midway
I pick up bits and pieces as I
come and go, like a vulture
for gossip and for information
because I am always the one to message first
and I am always the one to be mentioned last.
I'm nobody's first pick.
I'm a reject and i know this because
I can't just have one selection of people
to choose from. I acquaint myself with
everybody I meet.
But I hate it because
I feel like nobody, and nobody knows me.
Except
for
You
Feb 16, 2018
Feb 16, 2018 at 8:23 PM UTC
A slip
A stutter
I fell way deep
Into that trap
my life once surrounded
just as it surrounded me
i could not escape
until it no longer wanted me
and put me high high high up
Out of the temptation
Away from the attention
I so desperately wanted to just jump
Jump and fall until
I hit that sweet spot
Back into it's entrancing world
But with every step I took towards
Falling in
The farther away the ledge was
From my feet.
Sealing off
a world that I was
Accustomed to
And now
I think about recovering
And also
I think about slipping back in
And
I think that I will never learn
Feb 6, 2018
Feb 6, 2018 at 4:43 PM UTC
Sometimes i don't know what's worse...
The fact that she's gone
or the stupid reason why she left me
Jan 23, 2018
Jan 23, 2018 at 8:18 PM UTC
I don't want to see you anymore
because if being with me hurts you that badly,
then I don't want to see you hurt
because I love you.
And I will keep you in my sight,
and admire you from afar,
as you hold his cheek
and play with his hair
as you hardly did with me.
Jan 17, 2018
Jan 17, 2018 at 11:23 AM UTC
Like body, Like heart
Such is the way that one tenses
just as one crushes
and set aside your thoughts as only temporary
Until you exercise that muscle
and your heart
creates untemporary love
Like body, Like heart
Such is the way that tolls take within
that sacred temple you keep hidden
And bring her in secret to be alone
Until she leaves without notice
and your heart
aches for her return
Jan 10, 2018
Jan 10, 2018 at 6:28 AM UTC
I have a bracelet made of black leather and a metal ring.
I've had it for two years.
I remember the day I first decided to wear it,
and I never took it off.
That bracelet became a part of me as I went through
family troubles and loneliness and the fact that
my friends were never my best friends.
But I will never forget my bracelet that stuck with me,
regardless of the circumstance.
It has been two years, and my bracelet is frayed
and tattered, but that metal ring still holds both ends together.
That metal ring, able to cope with all of that time,
held together probably one of the only things that
truly gave me character.
It wasn't about how that bracelet looked on me,
but rather what it resembled.
The black leather can no longer stay together,
and one day...
It fell off my wrist.
I will never be able to wear that perfect bracelet
ever
again.
Jan 8, 2018
Jan 8, 2018 at 2:39 AM UTC
Hey, You
absolutely gorgeous thing
Don't you know
every guy is gonna want you?
That's what I think is gonna happen.
You're always right
I don't know everything about you.
But sometimes I think that
You might not know a lot about me
Either.
Hey, You
absolutely troubled thing
Everything is gonna be just fine
Right?
Hey, You
Please answer me
You're gonna be okay. It's not the end.
Right?
Hey, You... You're not gonna forget me?
Even after all of the small things we did?
I know that they don't mean much to you, but
it did to me
Sorry you didn't see it the same way. But, it was still nice.
Hey... You know that I'll always be there for You
for You
for You
For You
Jan 1, 2018
Jan 1, 2018 at 6:01 AM UTC