i am only graceful
when it is required of me
and i think thats the problem.
Jun 20, 2015
Jun 20, 2015 at 11:30 AM UTC
i sat
drawing swirls
in condensation on the window
a younger me did the same thing once
and got yelled at
because
apparently the marks you
make on windows
don't go away
then someone has
to wash those panes,
and
heaven forbid
their windex leaves streaks
heaven forbid
their towel
sheds
heaven forbid
that clear glass
is marred
and
heaven forbid
someone put
swirls on the world
so something, anything
was a little
more
beautiful.
Mar 2, 2015
Mar 2, 2015 at 1:31 PM UTC
you say you're all for change.
equality
diversity -
i can question all i want,
but you'll just repeat it back to me.
you say we're all the same.
all on a level
playing field -
the statistics say you're wrong,
and yet you try to tell me that's not real.
you say it's not our fault;
it's been "so long"
since slavery -
and you look at me with mocking eyes,
while i search for your humility.
and us women won the right to vote
less than a hundred years ago,
but you tell me i'm ludicrous
when i say
i wish we would earn as much as men -
you say "that's the way it's always been"
and i'm "wasting" my time worrying -
you say "we'll get married, we'll be fine,"
"we'll be home with our children anyway."
and i shouldn't ask them
what they earn,
cause then i might know to ask for more
so i'll sit here wondering in my head
whether you've considered that before.
you say you're all for change.
equality
diversity -
those buzz-terms won't mean anything,
until you practice what you preach.
you say we're all the same.
all on a level
playing field -
but colorblindness doesn't solve
the problems that we're facing here -
you say it's not your fault;
it's been "so long"
since slavery -
but you don't seem to understand,
that no one wants your sympathy.
i know you're not listening anymore -
that's fine.
i've gotten used to it -
but there's some things you need to know
before i let you walk away from this.
"i'm not racist" will never change the
meaning of what you just said,
and
your "jokes" will never make me laugh,
until you build us up,
not hold us back.
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 11:19 PM UTC
something
in the way you say
"i love you"
sounds wrong.
off.
unintelligibly dishonest
in a way that
i can neither
prove,
nor disprove.
you bring me flowers,
kiss my forehead
but white roses
are forgiveness -
or at least thats
what nana said -
and your lips
are a desert
when i always
preferred the beach -
but you know that.
subconsciously
i'm searching, begging, yearning for something,
anything; obvious evidence
that this is
all
in
my
head.
because it could be.
i could be as crazy as i feel.
but i have no such evidence,
and
something
in the way you say
"i love you"
sounds wrong.
off.
unintelligibly dishonest
in a way that
i can neither
accept,
nor deny.
but i have to
because otherwise
there is nothing left.
Feb 6, 2015
Feb 6, 2015 at 12:56 PM UTC
i thought that if i
squeezed my eyes shut tight enough,
the tears would collect
in the back of my throat and i could
swallow them -
wouldn't have to face
their hot,
wet,
attitude.
i thought that if i
left uncovered
a soft, pale collarbone,
the searching for thoughts beneath
that satin skin would
quickly fall away.
i thought that if i
tied down the fist
knocking, knocking, knocking
from the inside of my chest
i could keep it quiet
keep them all quiet
but the knocking never stops
and the knocking
fuels the thoughts
and the thoughts
fuel the tears
and i
have lost
all control
Feb 6, 2015
Feb 6, 2015 at 11:02 AM UTC
i have developed
a twitch.
neurotic tendencies.
obsessive,
compulsive
tendencies.
i brush my teeth,
my hair.
i pick,
leaving tiny,
almost unnoticeable
speckle
spot
scabs.
stupid that my
response
creates tangible
evidence of
an invisible
experience -
or maybe not -
maybe it's
appropriate,
maybe it's
the point.
after all,
holding the smooth
hair
and sparkling
teeth
is a once loved
heart
scarred,
pocked,
and marred by defeat.
Oct 10, 2013
Oct 10, 2013 at 1:04 PM UTC
spreading shimmering
blue on my fingertips -
appropriate,
i think, curled on the floor.
convenient that the
only color locked
in the bathroom with me
is blue
watching myself change colors,
hair towel-wrapped and dripping,
i realize
there are statistics for this.
*there are statistics for me.*
girls who sit on the floor
sopping polish on their
fingers to keep from
sobbing -
girls who
can't let their
pain
wake the neighbors.
anonymous surveys ask
questions about girls like me -
and i won't lie
i'll tell them
the things they use
to build statistics
that put girls like me
in boxes -
separate.
between the last one
and the next,
someone reading somewhere
will know, that
someone somewhere else
once sat,
spreading shimmering
blue
on her fingertips,
convincing herself
that when she
unlocked the bathroom door,
she wouldn't
love him anymore.
Oct 8, 2013
Oct 8, 2013 at 11:45 AM UTC
i let the water
wash away
what was left of you -
scrubbed away at
indignation and denial
until all i had to hate was
the truth.
the blow drier left
my hair frizzier than usual,
so when i caught
my reflection,
even that seemed
foreign.
different.
wrong.
broken didn't apply
until the
implications
of that truth that i so hated
sank through layers of
brunette curls and
rigid fingers,
that could have been better
at holding it all
inside my head.
Oct 6, 2013
Oct 6, 2013 at 1:30 AM UTC
i use big words that you
sometimes don't understand,
and i'm sorry.
this time i ran out of words,
(thinking you might be thankful) -
thinking it might be easier
to say nothing at all.
cleaner.
simpler.
so the words left,
chased away by shock
replaced with soundless
undefined tears
that did not reach
your flushed cheeks until
too late.
today i realized that not only
do you misunderstand my
words,
but you misunderstand
the lack thereof as well.
next time,
if the answer is silence,
ask again.
Oct 6, 2013
Oct 6, 2013 at 12:35 AM UTC
the midnight morning light
spills through
what would be blackout curtains
if
a lack of sun
would have helped anything.
the stripe glowed -
crossed my room as
i searched the ceiling
for some semblance of
sleep
until
with leftover insomnia
ringing in my ears
i pried myself from
dream drained sheets
grabbed my key
and an apple
and ran out the door
Sep 17, 2013
Sep 17, 2013 at 12:48 AM UTC