You know,
Sometimes i feel the echo
Of my former disease
Wonder why instead of living
I write silent poetry
Whisper my secrets
Into my books
Or speak, shaken
Stuttering breath to a stranger
On a plush chair
In a rented office space
I know one day
I'll no longer be here
By hand, by wandering feet
Or by happenstance
But that is not freedom
Only something similar
I can not be free
If i am not there
To live it
I tell anyone with ears
To listen to me
Listen to my mournful
Empty tales of
Empty life
But it can always get emptier
Distilled down into
A spectre merely mirroring
Making no memories
And spending all of my time
In such a daze
Laying the way sunshine hazes
Over a hot summer morning
Just falling asleep with its rise
That hollowed out feeling
In the throat and in the soul
Not predator or prey
But other
Focused attention
Only on the body
That has been me
I could still do it
Be the beautiful that carves
But does not imprint
The stone scale monument
That pressures and presents
Too, too acutely
Those brittle, thin fingers
And protruding spine
From every angle
Even the sides
Or, force myself
To wait out the urge, the blame
To suffer and suffocate,
Stay the too-quick beating
The unfathomable
Ache of my heart
And quiet its cries
For the scales to balance back out
For the knife to reverse course
Stop stabbing inwards
To make its sickening point
My own worst enemy
I did not place this curse
Feb 16, 2025
Feb 16, 2025 at 9:42 PM UTC
You told me again
In not so many words
This time I didn’t ask you
Why I was drowning in sand
Your hilarious moments
My part in your hands
You did not say why but
You did tell me when
And it was a month after I asked you
And you denied, denied my plans
But this time, you laid it out
Plainly and it really hurt
To see that you chose another when
I was still here in the world
So you will not be my lasting
My handsome prince
I did not choose to walk away
But you did, you did
Nov 17, 2022
Nov 17, 2022 at 7:50 PM UTC
I will chase you down
If you don’t love me
Fashion hairpins from
Fish ribs
Bring myself to anti-climax
Thinking of your
Valleys and hills
Carry buckets of water
Over all the trails
I’ll teach you the value
Of holding my hand
And the separate pleasure
Meeting for moonlight sonata
In the middle of daybreak
And I will do it
Drag the entire world down
To fit in your palm
I will do it
I’d like to meet you in a daydream
On the foothills of the Appalachia
Spreading seeds and carrying
My harvest basket
I’d meet you for board game night
Across the table
And I’d meet you at a quarter past three
The dead silent night
Lift up my arms and bask in it
Surrounded by all of you
The stars were never this bright until tonight
Oct 25, 2022
Oct 25, 2022 at 1:41 AM UTC
I am standing on street corners
And huddled in the shelter
Every other
Fourth night
When the weather
Just, the frigid weather
Turns my bones to ice
He won’t drink with me like this
He can’t think beyond his brains, his fists
Oct 6, 2022
Oct 6, 2022 at 12:46 AM UTC
There was nothing behind it
The sainted windows
Where I sat and I waited
Peering beyond my own face
Ice cream cones and Captain America
No, I won't do it, I can't go it alone
Transparent through the glass
Nobody wonders if nobody knows
But you knew then
When the grins dashed behind our lips
The snowfall cushioning every footprint
You knew even when I didn't know
And all I have is the imprint
Your eyes
Because, you're just gone and you never said
Never told me
Never let me be alright
Sep 30, 2022
Sep 30, 2022 at 11:21 PM UTC
I've been big and small
Bent muscles and snapping sinew
Ate grief for breakfast
Pancake platters
Black coffee
And an endless summer where
I sat over the river on the
Train tracks
Looking up
No one sees me now
As they did not then
But now I have myself
An itch, memories
My only friend
I've sat up all night
Gazed out the window
To see lights
Blue
And white
If I'm not living
Well
I won't leave at all
It's my life
Sep 30, 2022
Sep 30, 2022 at 11:17 PM UTC
I could make you live again
Pealing laughter, movie reels
Scandals, scarlet, moving through time
I can make the sheets unwrap themselves
It's you and I, you and I, alive
The wildest fantasies
Your secreted-away dreams
Victim, poison
Feather-light fingertips
Again I have shown you what I fear
It's you and I, you and I, tonight
Sep 30, 2022
Sep 30, 2022 at 11:15 PM UTC
Everyone I touch
Leaves me
And I love them
There are no strangers
To have a coincidence
No one, not them
If I could be the starry skies
Or the freeway
Busy, all night
I could be the overpass
No one to listen to
Nothing to fight
I'd wrap myself in dandelion
Or whispers...
Endless pearls
I'd miss the morning
The next day, and ending
Of the world
___________
Kiss me
Like morning light
The fabric of the sky
Like little diamonds
Precious pearls
I fashion from bone
What's here is no longer
I must have thought
I'd see the final blows
_________
The world is rebelling against me
I must cradle myself
Hold me throughout the night
Red, lights, blue and white
I must wrap myself up
Place me in a glass bottle
Where none can touch
Just shining, shimmering, look-
My hair tangles and falls
Ditsy strands by the handful
In the same clothes as yesterday
And the days before that
I only exist to echo back out
I only drink if I intend to black out
I only wanted someone to notice
To find out ...
I no longer let my lips chap
Even when I want them to split and crack
I no longer curl my hair, or paint my skin
I don't starve my body
Or look everywhere for harm
I just imagine the steps to the overpass
I think of the glock, my guns
My childhood, on repeat, his arms
The last decade on the edge
When I could make no plans
Because today might be my last
In trash heaps, no friends
Wishing, wishing, wishing,
I could
The end
Sep 30, 2022
Sep 30, 2022 at 11:13 PM UTC
He can touch me
Like I am a statue in his garden
To visit on every idle Tuesday, or holiday
Everything will turn to time
So I will let him feast on me, fearless
Wild, swinging vine to vine
Tearing smaller creatures apart
With just his teeth
We met at my weakest moment
And his highest pride
I am magnificent as a rainstorm
And just the same to ruin the daylight
I promise him nothing
But all of my nothings are cursed
To be sweet, nourishment
I am always so eager to fill his cup
I am only silent when I am too scared of the sound
Sep 30, 2022
Sep 30, 2022 at 11:05 PM UTC
I lost the only man I ever had
He looks me in the eyes
To say I’ve never had him
May 17, 2021
May 17, 2021 at 10:04 AM UTC