of trying to forgive anymore
i just don't think it's worth it anymore
i'm sorry,
love wasn't enough this time
and everything that i thought about love
has been ruined
i remember telling you that you were worth being destroyed over
but no,
i let you completely **** me up and i regret it all
i was sad through it all
i wanted to leave through it all
but i felt so worthless without you
but i want to take a stand,
i am so much better than your 2am "hi, work was good, go back to sleep, goodbye."
better than your **** toy - you haven't made me *** you never knew how to make love to me anyways, i realized how much of a scumbag you were because of the way you ****** pathetic little me
and i ******* hate the way i've become some little begging ***** in bed for you to **** me, i think all this time i've been begging you to love me better
better than your excuse to travel,
better than your excuse to hang out with your best friends who love each other more than they love you anymore,
better than everything you've used me for
i'm so tired of being the convenient one for you
instead of the one you want to be with
i think i'm ready to be selfish
i think forever was ********
and i've always known that from the first time you told me you wanted to marry me, and confirmed my thoughts every time you urgently denied that we lived together
our server the day that i decided to leave you had said, "your man is bored" as you pushed food around on your plate as i tried to listen to some ******** ******* story you had about you whining at work
and i couldnt help but agree and think that i was over this ******* ******** too
May 9, 2015
May 9, 2015 at 12:26 AM UTC
i'm just tired
of feeling like i'm not your only one anymore.
i just never forgave you anyways
and i kept trying to trick myself into believing that i am a good person,
who knows how to forgive, but
i don't know how to
i still can't trust you again -
but maybe i do forgive you
but i think you just ruined what we had
because i don't believe in your feelings for me anymore
even after all of this time
i still hate you so much
for the way you made me feel
i don't care what you do for me now, i don't think you could
ever make up for all that **** you had ever put my through
i just guess i
thought i could never find a love like yours anywhere else
but i'm beginning to realize that
you never loved me in the first place anyways
or i couldnt give you everything that you were looking for
and i'm just here for pleasure
i'm sure i am enough
i've spent too long thinking i'm not
but i keep sitting around feeling worthless
feeling like
you will do me wrong again
and i don't deserve to feel like this every single day anymore
you make no effort
to lessen that feeling
i don't know what to tell you anymore
i can't keep asking you and begging you
to love me more and more
i'm being selfish
and i'm acting in ways i know i don't want to anymore
i'm over it
i just don't want to keep doing this shit anymore
i just don't want to see anymore of you
i'm tired i'm exhausted
i just want to move on and find someone else who will love me
the same way i know that i can love them
May 9, 2015
May 9, 2015 at 12:17 AM UTC
they say "better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all".
and i find myself repeating these words like a mantra on those lonely nights that i sit out on my front porch watching cars zoom by and young love stumbling out from the pub across the street.
sometimes i can still feel the way that my heart pounded in my chest when you leaned over from the driver's seat and planted a quiet kiss on my lips before your whispered "sweet dreams" danced in my mind along with the smile that i swore i could never get sick of. your hands leave my skin and i smile widely at your eyes. i watch myself step over my huddled form on the front steps, dazed as i wave goodbye, goodnight, and thank-you to you from behind the glass of my front door. the smell of extinguished candles fill my nose as i shake off my shoes, and the pitter-patter of bare feet across tiles to hardwood tick-tock through the air as i get mad at myself for being so utterly infatuated with your hands and that look.
i want to take a drag of the imaginary cigarette i am smoking on the front porch as i take some time to think about where it all began to change. i want to feel the cancer spread throughout my body and **** me before i could ever admit that things are no longer the same, but i smack myself in the head and bite my tongue and resist that familiar urge to cry until i am nothing but skin and bones.
maybe we are two mature people who acknowledge some kind of sick value that love cannot completely take over our lives any longer. we are not teenagers who can be lovestruck and completely wrapped up in each other, making each other each other's worlds - oh, i can't help but feel ashamed at how much i adore you when i am second, third, fourth to so many things in your life. i just want to be your first, like you are my priority above all else.
maybe i should admit that things are still the same for me - that you have always been and still are number one before anything else. maybe i keep telling myself that both of us have changed, as if you aren't really the one that's actually leaving me behind in your journey towards something better. better. better, and bigger.
i want is a love so deep that the big blue would turn green with envy.
May 9, 2015
May 9, 2015 at 12:08 AM UTC
i wish that i could make you smile the way that she does
ive always competed
never been first
never won gold
never been the one that anyone
wanted
first
option number two,
why does this hurt me so much?
it never bugged me before but i put you first
when you thought i was second
second best
second i wish i was the best
best for you.
Apr 24, 2015
Apr 24, 2015 at 7:00 PM UTC
probably because i keep putting you first,
before everything else that i ever thought of before -
these feelings of missing people before i love them too much
haunt me everyday
you don't understand,
you still go home to the same people you laid next to on a changing table, have beers with people who learned to suckle on their thumbs
around the same time as you
the people i go home to
i shook their hands as we both signed our 1-year lease
and soon i'll shake their hands goodbye and good riddance
i hold these ******* fears and horrifies and terrifies and tears
in my chest, i can't afford to keep loving people and letting them go
into the world without me at their side -
i hate loving people and cutting these red strings that connect us,
i love so deeply and i just want to see you succeed and give you
flowers and kisses, and hold you in my arms when you feel the world
crumbling down around you -
i promise i can love, my love is a wicked one
i just cant keep loving and breaking, loving and breaking
when can i love and love and love and love
without end
with you
you terrify me
you're here and then you're gone
and you try to reassure me that you're always always here
but i can't trust it when you only come and peek
into my life for 5 seconds at a time and then you're gone
living your own,
i'm so scared you'll love someone else and leave because i am
so in love with you and loving and breaking with you
will **** me
it'll **** me
let me **** my heart first before you try to do it yourself
Apr 3, 2015
Apr 3, 2015 at 4:59 PM UTC
i'm sorry,
i just can't afford to let you come closer anymore.
Apr 3, 2015
Apr 3, 2015 at 4:50 PM UTC
i've done it so many times, missing people
missing love. it's become a profession for me,
missing people who i separate from -
i've come to face these bitter feelings of
abandonment, being forgotten -
like, i, was ever someone to remember in the first place
years and years ago -
10-years-old and missing the other little children
who tugged on my clammy hand but laughed anyways
at my shy eyes and bugged out baby hairs
because their sandy hands dried out my nervousness
on the playground among giggles and "sandman!"s
their hair whirlwinds on their heads as we spun around
on tire swings until we were scared we'd throw up on ourselves
and we'd smell the whole way home
together
i still remember the day that i told you that your
bracelet of popcan tabs and little hair rubberbands
and dollar store beads and bells was
cute - i liked the way that it weighed in my clammy palm
and how colourful it shined,
how stretchy it stretched and never threatened to snap in
my tiny sticky fingers, it was the loveliest thing i'd ever seen.
and i still remember the day you showed up at school
with one for me, too, because it was only the next day
and your fingertips were raw with little cuts from yanking
aluminum tabs off of cans and black circles ringed your eyes as
you smiled and held it out for me
i couldn't ever remember feeling any warmth like that before
why was i ever so sour in the first place
of being forgotten anyways? maybe it wasn't that i was terrified of
being lost among people's "remember that one girl" and "what was
her name again"s, but perhaps i was just horrified of the things that
constantly switched up around me, and these warm memories
were the only things that would never switch up on me
without me being able to catch my breath first.
i still remember the day we skipped down high school hallways
with our eyes drooped and red and our mouths bone dry,
smelly hoodies draped over our uniforms,
i couldn't believe how clammy
our intertwined hands were but we still laced our fingers and spun
in sharp turns, laughing down quiet corridors -
"did you know that i'm gay? i've never told anyone before."
you whispered in a rush to me, and you confided in me like
i was important -
why did i call it being abandoned when i was just as near
to you to reach out and grab you as you were near to me?
you've reached out to me and tugged on my sleeve but i'd sit
there and watch you and i'd feel your warm fingers slip away from my
skin,
i'd never felt your skin on mine again.
and i still remember the times we'd laugh and share jokes,
make personal whispered secrets, "we'll probably only
have time for each other again after work when we're career women,"
but even as i sit here in the same ******* room
of the past week and a half of wallowing in wonder,
wondering why i feel so empty and at a loss and like a hole,
my hands are clammy and miss the warmth of a pretty bracelet in my hand-
"you never wore it anyways."
-and your fingers between mine-
"you never text me back when i want to see you!"
i feel so lost,
i don't feel missed
although i probably was,
but i missed
something
and miss it so much
Apr 3, 2015
Apr 3, 2015 at 4:50 PM UTC
i hope they never open again
i've ruined it all
Apr 2, 2015
Apr 2, 2015 at 10:44 PM UTC
is the way i flip my phone every ten minutes hoping that youve texted me back
is the way that i sob into my hands over a love that i had to build myself
i understand that you put all this effort into
pressing a finger over my name in your phone's directory
to bring your phone up to your ear and hold a conversation
with me that you only contributed "yes" "no" and "i've gotta go"s.
as i searched up your favourite bands and tried to tell you about
how close the date was to them coming to the city,
or how i kept trying to remind you of a better time between us
and tried to keep us alive, i tried so hard to keep us alive.
it's the way that i can't seem to hold a job to my name
or figure out my own life after school,
but somehow, i always find the money to find my way to get to
you, find the time to invest in you, although our time
had run out weeks and weeks ago
to have you sleep all day as i sit on the edge of your bed
playing trivia crush until you wake up when i plug my phone
into the outlet beside your head
"i fell asleep" you'll say 2 hours after i arrive,
my shoes are still on my feet because i was too nervous to lay down
beside your sleeping body,
and i'll smile and lie, "i understand"
and even though i do, with every "no worries" and "i get it"s,
i feel that weight on my chest grow tons and tons heavier
it's the way i want to leave school now because i want to start a life
with you, but the way i have to close my eyes to the dreams 18-year-old me meandered over with my roommate excitedly,
"hey, one day, we'll have it all figured out." we laughed
"hey, one day," you'd tell me as i cried over the phone, "we'll have it all figured out,"
"it'll all be okay."
pure ******* poetry is the way you text me paragraphs
of how much you adore me, and want me, and want to marry me,
and how you still love this mess that has been slowly and chaotically
falling everywhere in a heap of nothing -
it's the way you tell me from a distance,
"i'll still love you no matter what you are"
and i'll cry into my sweater because you don't know what i am,
you're too far to understand- that the monsters have come out
to play unfairly
i don't know where you've been and i don't know what truths
you've been telling me but
your hands on my face as you begged for me to look at you
as you pressed quiet kisses on my eyelids
and how you held me for hours as i cried over nothing
pure ******* poetry
Apr 2, 2015
Apr 2, 2015 at 10:44 PM UTC