The problem is
That I knew
The moment she avoided me
My sweet girl was gone
I knew
I tried to convince myself
That she would have told me
But I forgot
The type of woman my mother is
She would never have told me in person
So instead
I come home to an empty house
And I try to find my girl
Instead I find a note
That says,
"She's gone,
She died in my arms"
Well so what
I wasn't there
I didn't get to know
Did I?
I realize that she was trying
To protect me
But this is worse
Much worse
Now I am alone
In a house full of reminders
Why?
Why did this happen now?
Couldn't it have waited two days?
I would have been able to say good bye
There are toys everywhere
I know
I know she was just a pet
Nothing much
But to me
She was happiness
Embodied in a fluffy little body
She was my happiness
On dark gloomy days
She never judged
She always loved me
She hated when I was sad
What would she think now?
Nov 24, 2014
Nov 24, 2014 at 6:14 PM UTC
My mother wonders why I tick
When I never did before
Tick
I don't tell her that I tick
Because I am more stressed now
Tick
I was late this morning
My mother said, "Don't worry"
Tick
My schedule was off
My schedule was broken
Tick
I don't know why I tick now
I used to try to stop
Tick
But now I feel like a clock
I am a tick without any tock
Tick
It helps calm me I suppose
The numbered noises
Tick
The patterns help soothe
The panic inside
Tick
Every time I try not to tick
It moves louder to my mind
Tick
I have started to accept
The tick that runs my life
Tick
Someone touched my things
I don't tick right away
Tick
But when I go to get them
That noise begins
Tick
Louder in my mind until
I start ticking out loud
Tick
"What's wrong?"
Nothing
Tick
The tick is faster
Someone stares
Tick
"What's wrong with you?"
More pointed questions now
Tick
Nothing is wrong
Tick
I will fix it
Tick
I'm fine
Tick
Tick
Tick
Nov 1, 2014
Nov 1, 2014 at 4:36 PM UTC
Hello friend
You do not know me
But I see you in the hall
Alone
I just want you to know
My dear, dear friend
That I am also alone
And though
We will not be alone together
You are still not entirely alone
I am here
My unique friend
With your hair so brightly colored
It looks like fire to me
I hope that's what you wanted
I see you at lunch
Sitting at a table by yourself
Across from the room
I, too, sit alone
Do you listen to music
So that you hear the voice of people?
I do.
I hope you find happiness
My unknown friend.
I hope that
On occasion
You look across the filled room
Full of friends
And see me
And think to yourself
"Hello my unknown friend"
Nov 1, 2014
Nov 1, 2014 at 4:28 PM UTC
My heart is beating wildly out of my chest
My hands are shaking
I cannot think straight
My worries are screaming at me
What if I'm not actually that smart
I've been told all my life
That I'm clever
But without it
What am I
Without being smart
My wit is just sarcasm
And thinly veiled bitterness
Without intelligence
How can I live up to the expectations
Of the world
What if instead of being smart
I am simply average
And told I was better than I am
I could have simply gotten by all these years
The panic welling up
Threatens to consume me
What if I am crazy
Instead of eccentric
The only difference between them is being useful
What if alone I will be destroyed
By my very own mind
What if I am smart
What then
What is intelligence without being able to teach
Or show off on occasion
What if being alone with myself
Ruins my quick wit
And renders me useless
Helpless
What can I do
I need a buffer from the world
Without one I am lost
Just a single star in the sky
I need someone to explain
What is right and wrong
What is going on with these strangers
I need someone to help me
I need places I can escape to
But here and now
I am stuck by myself
And trying to react to this enormous change
Aug 21, 2014
Aug 21, 2014 at 7:09 PM UTC
Sometimes it scares me
That I don't believe
In something greater
I get sad
When the world crashes around me
And I have no one to pray to
But I can't
I can't just believe in
One god
Or two or more
I can't believe the evil and good of the world
Are living out there somewhere
My friends believe
They have tried to teach me
Tried to tell me
But it isn't that simple
I can't just say that it is God's will
I can't accept that
If I did then it would make everything worse
But if I did
Then I would get to think
That those I lost are still there
But it doesn't work like that
I do not believe
I cannot believe
Aug 8, 2014
Aug 8, 2014 at 1:32 PM UTC
I want to believe in magic
To have a word that will fix
Everything
To have a wand
That could create worlds
To be able to fly over the Earth
Look out over the oceans
But instead I am stuck on the ground
It's not that bad
But after awhile
Things get dull and bland
So I make my own magic
I use words to create images
And feelings in others
I made myself a wand
Though it made my friends
Laugh at me
I don't mind
It works well enough
For me
I use my dreams to fly over oceans
To visit places all across the world
It's an easy escape
So when the world gets too grey
And too loud
I silence everything with the magic I have made
And it has saved me
Saved my mind
Some don't get it
It is lost to them
But there is magic all around
There is always a way to find it
You just have to try
Jul 24, 2014
Jul 24, 2014 at 4:11 PM UTC
One day I will be gone.
My story will end.
I will be forgotten.
But today.
Today I will call old friends
That I haven't seen in months.
I will play with my dog.
Even though she is old and lazy
She is still my baby girl.
I will eat food that is bad for me,
Even knowing that I shouldn't.
It makes me happy and tastes so good.
I will listen to my best friend
Complain about everything in the world
While I just listen.
It's what I'm for after all.
I will dance badly to old music.
I will sing along horribly and hope the neighbors don't hear.
I will be absolutely content with my lot.
I will talk to my brother soon
And make fun of his stupid haircut
Because that's how I say I love you.
I will think about my dad.
I will see him next week.
He loves me more than he tells.
But through all of this I know.
Someday.
Some far away day.
My story will end.
As all stories do.
Eventually no one will know
That I was ever here.
But that is what is supposed to happen.
I don't need to be remembered.
The best stories are lost to time.
Jul 21, 2014
Jul 21, 2014 at 11:13 PM UTC
I am young
There is a difference between mature and wise
But both are rare in a child
I am smart
There is a different between smart and being able to work things out
But both are needed in choices
I am tired
There is a difference between quiet and accepting
But both are always assumed together
I am terrified
There is a difference between helpful and happy
But both are what I pretend to be
I am excited
There is a difference between fear and joy
But both make my heart race
Jun 23, 2014
Jun 23, 2014 at 3:16 PM UTC
I should not have to choose
I am scared
I am excited
I don't want to go
I must leave
I can't think
I can't breathe
I am hurting my heart
Why should I have to choose?
Why should I live this nightmare?
Why can't I live in peace?
Why can't they leave me out of it?
Why must I be perfect?
Why must it they look at me like that?
Why is this happening?
Why is this happening to me?
Maybe I should run away
Maybe I should let them deal with it
Maybe I can stay
Maybe I will learn to adapt
Maybe everything will be okay
Maybe things will be better
Maybe it'll all work out
Maybe it won't and everything will go wrong
Jun 23, 2014
Jun 23, 2014 at 3:12 PM UTC
I will miss the trees outside
In the first of spring when they bloom
So lovely every morning
I will miss my pets
Who love me with all they know
And all they will ever know
I will miss my friends
They will be laughing
Without me now
I will miss the kitchen
Where I made more cookies
Than I should have
I will miss my parents
But I will still see them
Every now and then
I will miss the pictures
That cover every wall
And tell the story of my life
But I will find new things
I will carry on
I will improve my life
And for that I am grateful.
Jun 10, 2014
Jun 10, 2014 at 3:49 PM UTC