a pile of notebooks lays empty on the shelf and my new keyboard that i've been wanting for ages is collecting dust on my desk. it'll make me write, i had thought. i always wanted writing to be something warm, something done with a cup of tea and a comfortable chair under dimmed lights. as i keep realizing, i don't write like that. i don't write until i have to because my brain gets fuzzy and my pillowcase gets wet and i get scared. i get scared of where my thoughts will lead me if i keep following them inside my head. there's too much space in there, too many dark corners to get lost in. i open my notes app instead.
holidays are always like this. i thought maybe this christmas will be different. i was doing so well. strange people who i'm told are my grandparents and people who aren't supposed to be pregnant right now and photos of loved ones that i knew as i was taking them i'd cry over when they're gone, and my heart was still calm. i didn't know if i had finally gone numb, but i was kind of hoping for it. in my opinion, apathy is a savior - although it never seems to save me fully. i'm alone again and i wasn't thinking about it until i was.
being alone is the thing i know how to do best. it's the thing i've always had to do. i don't like doing the things i know how to do best. i don't like to study physics, i don't like dancing, i don't like being alone. i don't like growing up and earning my own money. i've been subconsciously prolonging my childhood and blaming myself for it for years now. my father blames me for starting therapy and buys me everything i need. my mother has debt and gives me money and wants the best for me and never stops talking. i feel guilty because my family exhausts me and i want to be closer to them. i hate being the oldest daughter and i'm so good at it and i don't know a thing about my brother. i don't try hard enough but i keep thinking about it.
i pour all my love into a single person. nobody else is deserving of it as much as him and they prove it to me. i try not to tell him, i try to give him space. he's allowed to enjoy today. he's allowed to have a life and meet people and be happy and i'm allowed to be okay with it, even if i don't want it. i never show him my writing. he loves me the most too but my most is bigger, it has more emptiness to fill. i keep asking him to empty himself more, to match me, and hating how well it goes. every time i recieve grace i congratulate myself for being a master manipulator and hope he never notices. he claims that's not true. i deserve love, i deserve people to fight for me even if i hate fighting.
i'm too warm and my skin is peeling off. i have to make it worse each third night with a gel that i can't afford but will one day make me pretty. i have hair where I shouldn't and i have to get my ovaries checked. i don't eat well but i'm cooking for myself when i can. no, i don't need any food or anything, thank you, i'm good. i look slimmer, everything looks good on me. thank you. my eyes are red. i look older. i'm just wearing eyeliner. my brother has a man's face, i have a woman's. my hair is pretty short, but my grandma liked it longer. she loves it when i braid it. i want to grow my hair out, i don't like it. my aunt does. thank you. my dad is quiet and happy and will have other children. i'm in a room filled with people where my mother doesn't belong and i can't help but feel her blood in my body.
i should publish this. i should make it into a book, i should write. i should give every written thought a purpose, i should make my suffering a job. you'll suffer but you're going to be happy about it. i should finish the book from an author i hate because i'm supposed to, and then i'll be able to watch the movie. the number three is yellow. i'm losing the plot.
Dec 25, 2024
Dec 25, 2024 at 6:36 PM UTC
i want to hug strangers on the bus. i want to cry on their shoulder, tell them
can you believe? how do i do this again?
let them stare at me in surprise and pity, marvel at how hard my life is
maybe somebody will know. they'll say
you've did it time and time over. it happened time and time again. you're still alive and you still will be
and i will be comforted
and I won't think at what cost, at what cost. why me again and again.
I'll know my strength and won't wonder why it isn't someone else's that's tested
Oct 14, 2024
Oct 14, 2024 at 1:35 AM UTC
they say love's not supposed to hurt but oh,
i make it so i bleed
your mother's sheets are stained with it
a rusty knife in my lungs
and everything, everything is spilling out
i can't contain it
Mar 17, 2024
Mar 17, 2024 at 6:16 AM UTC
do you ever listen to the song i let play that night?
do you feel the fingers on your skin like i feel them on mine?
do you feel used?
Mar 16, 2024
Mar 16, 2024 at 6:16 PM UTC
I let you rot my insides
over and over again
so my anxiety has something to clutch to
like a fly on rotten fruit
Jun 26, 2023
Jun 26, 2023 at 6:13 PM UTC
i wish i could be the person who turns off their phone when somebody's upset them.
who doesn't check their messages for hours, to make them feel bad back.
i don't know that I'll ever be able to be like that.
i have to know, have to be there to rip myself open again and again to make them pity me, to make them empathize.
i don't think anyone will ever notice my pain if i don't shove it down their throat.
i will walk through the door and try so hard not to look back, but ultimately still leave it cracked open.
Jun 26, 2023
Jun 26, 2023 at 6:12 PM UTC
i pluck my skin clean off
and collapse into myself
it keeps playing in the background
i don't think i love you anymore
it twists and tugs and yearns for release
but do i release for attention?
it keeps playing in the background
you don't have to hold me anymore
my eyes have needles in them
they make stitches through my head
it keeps playing in the background
i don't think I love you anymore
Mar 12, 2023
Mar 12, 2023 at 9:20 PM UTC
neki trenutci stvoreni su za beskraj.
neki trenutci postanu beskrajni.
ponekad se preklope.
možda i nemaju razlike.
Jan 2, 2021
Jan 2, 2021 at 9:46 AM UTC
many times have I found myself
completely in love with you
all over again.
as I'm lying here
everything else went mute
and all I can see is you
flashing
like a spark in my memories
Sep 3, 2020
Sep 3, 2020 at 4:09 PM UTC