JULES: (sighs) I mean… I don’t know. I guess it’s– I guess it’s interesting, ’cause, like, before I ran away, uh, I had gone to the city to visit some old friends, and… we were having this exact conversation. And… Basically, um… I feel like I’ve framed my entire womanhood around men. When, like, in reality, I’m no longer interested in men. Like, philosophically. Like, like, what men want. Like, what men want is so boring. And simple, and not creative, and, like, uh… I just, like, I look at myself, and I’m like, how the f*ck did I spend my entire life building this. Like… (sighs) Like, my body, and my personality, and, like, my soul around what I think men desire? It’s just, like… it’s embarrassing. I feel like a… a fraud.
________________________________________________________
ShyGuy118: i really missed you today
ShyGuy118: are u really going to nyc for college?
Jules: i hope so
Jules: why… you gonna come with me??
ShyGuy118: would you like that?
Jules: it would be a dream
JULES: Some of the most profound relationships I’ve ever had have been with people I’ve never met.
I should have known I was setting myself up. Or maybe I did know. Maybe that’s, like, what I’m actually attracted to. Maybe that’s, like, the appeal.
The letdown. The fact that, like, none of it’s real. And it’s all a fantasy.
Apr 25, 2022
Apr 25, 2022 at 10:43 AM UTC
i still lay my hope
across the wind-driven sea
that our paths will meet
Oct 9, 2021
Oct 9, 2021 at 11:09 AM UTC
I do not quite have any words for it and it is indeed impossible to describe further, but something close to it should be—
melancholy.
Without utter doubt, melancholy.
I should stop pretending that the matter does not bother me anymore, it does. With full conviction by the heavy thud in my chest, it does. What is more saddening to this manner is that I have come to accept this resignation that there is nothing I could do about it. I've been living my life that way, by confiding into solemn retreat and actually convincing myself that there is nothing to be done. Even when in reality, there actually is.
Feb 21, 2021
Feb 21, 2021 at 4:44 AM UTC
one word to describe you (that i hope i wont ever feel but here we are): regret
May 19, 2020
May 19, 2020 at 11:00 AM UTC
where do i put all
the anger
the sadness
the frustration
all those ********
if they're about you
and yet
i cant talk to you...
not anymore
May 11, 2020
May 11, 2020 at 12:40 PM UTC
"this is the last time."
i whisper upon myself
as i wipe my tears.
May 9, 2020
May 9, 2020 at 4:09 PM UTC
hey, do you remember that night on the first week of december? it was chilly, it was late, and i desperately need to go home. as we walk on the peaceful streets, stars above us, against the city lights... you held my hand. you reassured me repeatedly, "don't be scared, i'm here." weirdly enough, i feel safe. like everything was into place. the rest of the world don't matter. your hand intertwined with mine is enough.
i wish you could still reassure me now, like you did before. that i don't have to worry about anything, i am safe because you were with me. i wish the clock would still tick on us again. i would relieve those moments over and over and over and over and now i'm alone.
your nothing but a memory that will soon fade within me. it will mean nothing as time will pass. i'm truly dettached that way. so let me write what i feel on these pages. hoping they will last long that what i hope to forget.
Apr 22, 2020
Apr 22, 2020 at 11:26 AM UTC
its been exactly one month since we parted ways.
i was doing perfectly fine,
but today everything started rushing back to me.
an explosion of feelings. wave after wave,
drowning my thoughts and my heart.
it starts to ache all over again.
i realized... i miss you.
that's what you call this.
it is not anger or sadness,
nor it is the underlying wonder of constant what-ifs.
it is just the plain longing of your warmth and you.
just plain you.
i remember us, lying in your bed.
i pouted because you didn't tell me you love me today.
and you laughed and whispered it to me.
i started to get goosebumps all over,
you know im just sensitive that way.
you laughed again,
held me tight so i could not escape from your grasp.
pinned me down and whispered "i love yous" repeatedly.
i was squealing, laughing, trying to get away from you.
my goosebumps wouldn't stop.
i would give anything to be back to that memory again.
i wanted to remember it forever,
it was so precious to me after all.
i know we made mistakes, through and through.
you probably did not forget them, but i already did.
right now it did not matter, i just want you back to me.
and that's stupid and crazy, utterly impossible.
selfish and cruel to you.
selfish and cruel to me.
last time you told me you miss me.
but that is all there is.
it stops there. there's nothing we can do.
i dont regret anything.
you are special to me, and i hope i would not forget.
that this man once was mine, and once was my everything.
goodbye.
Apr 18, 2020
Apr 18, 2020 at 11:44 AM UTC
i think you are that wound that i'm afraid to look at.
it hurts, and i feel every ounce of pain in my flesh
and yet, i think staring at it makes the pain ten times worst.
gazing at it confirms the pain.
then maybe the escape to you,
is that i'll tuck you in the dark.
hoping i'll forget,
hoping my skin would heal
from any traces of you.
Apr 17, 2020
Apr 17, 2020 at 11:09 AM UTC
I dreamt it was the end of the world.
the purple orange sky was falling
crushing everything I came to know
and we kept dying
over and over
until we did things right
Dec 31, 2019
Dec 31, 2019 at 2:52 AM UTC