I don't want to be miserably happy. To have others think I'm not miserable and lonely but truth be told I'm getting older and grumpy. I hate that I have to hide my feelings and they pour out of me. That jk fragile but that's not aloud when you grow up and out into the world in front of yourself. That you can find the child left in your heart and so you rely upon shame and self doubt. I hate going to bed and forcing myself not to think because the thought of being my own person scares the fake person inside me. And u have to smile and wear nothing but fake pleasure like a scarlet letter but it helps justify my needs. And the fact I don't have needs. And the idea I want to lose my wants and find my flaws and smoke them up because behind this newly discovered person are still the same flaws just covered up with a new awakening I try and share with those I need to impress to feel like good and whole and really I just want to be ******* raw. I want my scars to seep out and my secrets to unlock their closet and I want to tear down my securities walls and tell myself I am not whole. I am not okay and I love being forgotten.
Apr 5, 2016
Apr 5, 2016 at 3:19 PM UTC
For him.
Just having you makes me breathe easier and see clearer. Your the calm in the storm and shore on my horizon.
Your my hit of cigarette after a caffeine drip and my shot of whisky when the sun goes down and so follows my sanity.
Your my understanding and my lack of reasoning and you are my only reason.
Your the ground I can land on when I fall into your heart and don't know if feeling it's thumping makes me feel more alive or more absent in life. and your the hand that I allow to pick me up when only myself brings me down just knowing you exist makes me feel like your around.
I hold a piece of you that you will never understand and with our misunderstandings we find our common bindings.
Tangled together in webs that weave, a different pattern then I thought I'd see.
Because you are the darkest light creating Crimson memories. And this awakening will be the death of me.
The death of the darkness I wanted to rely on overtaking who I was supposed to be.
Which was no one. And for once I allow your heart to hold on. To take me away and let everything go. Every time my rich heart beats it will know. It can be for you forever more.
Jun 29, 2015
Jun 29, 2015 at 10:56 PM UTC
When I look into your eyes there are tiny crevices like tiny trap doors. These doors lead to hidden passages that have access to your innocently desensitized soul. You've been tampered and taunted with life's beautiful lessons that make eAch day seem like an impossible place but mentally you had a choice to make. And I know you think that the fork in the road is going to turn down another dead end and your stuck inside your head again but I want you to remember that I will always try and be your realist friend. And I knew this when we had experienced those real conversions on my bed. I want lift the pain from your heart and heal the scars they've left but that's not the way god intended. It Amazes me that when I look at the sky I see only black with little glimmers of hope and you still look at it with destiny inside and predetermined events of undiscovered hope. . And that makes me feel special to know you and your healing me with your own severed timeline. As each new door is revealed your eyes continue to shine with innocence that you think can't still exist. For you my best of friend have kept me sane and help me want to breathe again. You showed me that love can still be real even when your struggles are hard and it's foggy where there should be light at the end. So forever I will picture those eyes staring back and see a beautiful little kid. And I know you hate that your younger then others with more knowledge then most but you should see this is the best of your qualities exposed. Your a kind hearted wanderer that wants to finally plant his feet but it seems your stuck and cannot grow because the roots are deep and your dreams can get drowned out by each mind altering memory. But when your mind is altered you always still manage to say the same thing. "Please don't say sorry and just talk to me." Because burdens are held on your back that should have already broken from straws that strike when your spirits had been previously broken. But you still manage to take my problems and make them your own. And you do this without making me feel like it's a subconscious chore. For no other motive then to keep me happy when I'm used to these words to keep score. And that makes you more special then anyone iv been able to know before.
Jun 5, 2014
Jun 5, 2014 at 12:52 PM UTC
When i looked in your eyes you said you saw mine staring back at you. But that was a lie. You held me when I cried and I believed the sincerity in your sweet innocence and honesty. But that was also a lie. When you held me at night and told me everything was going to be fine and made my heart beat to sounds of your drum for once I believed you. And in future thoughts hoped to be with you. You have a charismatic aura that radiated kindness and I know you never meant to hurt this damaged heart and wanted to splint it up with your kind gestures and take me under your also broken wing but those eyes you
Claimed to see weren't mine. They were hers and that should have been fine. But this heartbreak seems to be a different kind. The kind that hits hard. because hurt was never the intention but your heart beats for her and always will and that's something you failed to mention. I wanted to stay in those unfamiliar arms and believe that if I tried hard enough I could have you. But I guess when you wanted me to give everything up that was just a fantasy of getting your heart out of a limbonic routine. And when you said you might be able to love me that was a lie. But there was real truth when I said that you are a mental magician. Someone who's heart is really full of love just not for this person. So I am forced to forgive you for your heart that's too big for two. And I want you to know that I fully forgive you. I'm only cynical because I want someone to feel for me the way that you do. She's a beautiful lucky girl and she deserves what you give. And I want you to know your a person who helped me remain wanting to live. I have a love hate relationship now that our escapades have quit. But im also sorry your heart had to bear all this **** Because all I needed was someone to understand me and you did. I thank you for teaching me many new things. But most importantly you made me believe I could be happy again.
May 16, 2014
May 16, 2014 at 10:59 PM UTC
I think of you all the time in the darkest of nights. Erie when the stars are all so bright. I wonder what it would be like to let you have me again. To let your arms wrap around me and hold me tight. Tighter my heart feels for committing to this confession. Your glassy eyes are honestly crystal clear of clarity for me. Buts that's how we remain and are conscious how it will always be. Contradicting and dancing in limbo of fiery serenity. Mind spins like on carousels without the ability get get off and learning to just ride. But this confession seems to always **** me. I think of times of innocence event though now innocent we are not. The others close to my heart don't understand and think or bridge has burned. But little do they know there will always be water underneath to carry you home to me like blood that rushes to my heart. You are the only one that truly left a scar and I know at night you think of me too when it's dark. And I know you think of past times when we unanimously see stars. Erie as it is we always swim in the gray area. The deep depths that cause swallowing hard because guilt resides where pleasures are carried. Like the day we crashed and totaled the car we were prevented from taking things any farther. You said I was your angel and someone wanted us to survive and this memory I have always harbored. It's you iv been waiting for and wanted. Our companionship consists of the contradictions of each other's demons riding on shoulders. And damaging mentality never sounded so sweet and tasted so bitter. And you don't believe in god but I believe I'm just one of purgatories cliche sinners. Living to love hating our past and knowing how my heads going crazy but my sweet heart remains clever.
May 4, 2014
May 4, 2014 at 10:16 PM UTC
I hate seeing goodbye in his eyes and hearing the song play in the background.
I want to let everyone know I'm still mentally here but not even my own mind can trick me this time.
Apr 30, 2014
Apr 30, 2014 at 6:21 PM UTC
Mentality of the younger me.
Emily A. Grande
And as I return to thoughts inducing removing of cellophane off packs of cancer sticks I look around and see memories of cluttered messes. I open up my arms to my insecurities but that always seems to **** me and I start to not be able to withstand me. I think back to when life wasn't made up of cliche clicks of the inevitable clock that makes time the most important thing in this life that inside your conscious continually clicks.
I miss mentality of a childhood and unfortunately to grow up you have to grow old and forget of those children's stories you were told. Of Heroes and knights in shining armor of sensitivity and realizing they have always just wanted to **** me. It's sad to see the princess you thought you we're wear a crown that feels more made of thorns because that one sacred and now questioned person died for your dignity. But then you question religion and in turn question living. And **** I want so bad not to flip through the chapters of my life and believe that they can't have fairy tale
Endings but that's the thing...
This beautiful tale already insinuates it's make believe. And inside you start to turn bitter it seems because when you grow up it's all about the questioning and overthinking and decision making and times catching up on me. And just when you start to feel like you can breathe is ironically when you start to inhale different smoke. Or maybe something else and then you realize your becoming one of the kids your mom warned you about and this induces doubt that your okay and can mentally stay sane and Wonder where you'll end up someday.
I don't need much just a simple kiss or tight hug and I seem to be giving more of myself then my soul because opening legs opens minds but builds up walls and close doors and. Makes god open that window that seems more of an escape to jump out rather then just open it up and take in a deep breath.
Deep breathes now are more of exasperated signs accomplices of chips piling up on shoulders and never giving tension in your head and heart a rest. And your feeling like ribs dominate the whole cavity of your chest and start to realize the real things for which your blessed. I'm learning how not to want to "not want," to give into sweet temptations that are no longer recreations and becoming daily routines.
I wish my day still consisted of playing outside and running around with the entire world created in a mind that hasn't been molded into what fate has decided to deal in life's game. But that's the thing about games. We all seem to want to play but I am never winning or a sore loser but always losing. These decisions aren't mine for the choosing. But souls sore from losing creates scars on hearts and overthinking starts.
And it's always check mate for that person who made me think they would actually stay with lies of sincerity and devotion and those strategically placed pawns are played. I'm dealing a deck of cards that are all faces and I'm stuck with low numbers and days that seem to change from black to red. Two extremes hot and heavy and heaving sighs build up and I can't ever begin to rest.
I feel like I'm constantly the name Called in red rover because even as kids we were taught to call out the weakest link in the chain and it's those that break through this wall that survive. But those that don't are forced to hold hands with people who's defeated soul couldn't break through the wall and together they collectively become Strong on each others losing common bonds.
Children play hide and seek because people learn to accept the idea of finding what they can't have as a challenge right off the bat. And as you begin to decide you are not one to win you want to throw hands in the air and scream **** it. That the chase is the thrill and to win it's about the other person giving in.
And **** I feel like my closest friends could be the death of me but I also couldn't begin to live without them and we all condone what we're doing isn't collectively wrong. Partners in crime are future misfits staying strong.
Apr 20, 2014
Apr 20, 2014 at 6:32 PM UTC
And now I need a moment of silence to collect my thoughts as well as free my mind. When I catch myself starting to drift of to you my body responds only seen internally. As goodbumps rise and warms washes over me I know iv found someone good to stay around. Maybe not
Forever.
But that's always the gamble.
I would
Hate to give up being able to look into
Your eyes and decipher your mind. To
Have hou hold
My hand softly and whisper sweet tempting nothings in public occasions. This feeling of you in my bed is most as exciting as the fact it's insinuated I can now sleep and clear my head.
You have a dark aura but not that of pain but mystery. Burning crimson and causes pleasures in undiscovered places and unexplainable syncracy under covers. And as opposite as the shapes of of our hearts are, our desires for each others bodies through affection is yearning and we coincide frequently understanding how to fit together our personalities puzzle pieces.
They say opposites attract and baby let me say they do. I seem to always think what it is you can see when you seem not to have anything In common with me. But maybe we can trade stories and learn how each others personas we're made. I haven't felt that look of lust in a while and it's killing me to be restricted from you.
I'm more ways then one.
As each day moves on my lips want to get closer to that forbibbem fruit and damnyself into selfless trust once again. I think of my torso your body and feeling your skin hot and sweaty. Your eyes roll back in a kind of certanty only lovers should feel because love being made in a concept kept away. But if I imagined what it could be like that's what I'd think of any day. And scratching your back as though to show how much pleas my souls can take.
Apr 7, 2014
Apr 7, 2014 at 11:38 AM UTC
And as I get lost in surreal daydreaming, longing for your love and lust triggers sweetest appeal to be utterly dangerously pleasing. I think in flashes of slow songs of sensual ****** moments caught in minds designed camera. most images seen through lenses of eyes capture common pictures in black and white while others exhale a sequence of vivid moving memories in most extravagant clarity and of colors. Like something could dig up my freshly buried time capsules of unwanted and untrusting memories. That I could truly give in to rejecting anxieties. That night I looked down from the balcony that seems to romeo and Juliet cliché, considering restricted consequences through our eyes locking as minds synapses sync and confirmed risky behaviors that day. I had a trusting instinct about who I thought you were and who you could be. You didn’t want to open up my legs but instead led you to my hearts hidden pathway. When your green eyes exposed innocence through talks of hardships and hardest times my heart was tempted to flirt with ideas that you could be mine in future days. But the past only digs up skeletons of your shame
and retrieves relapses and regret working in harmony as old habits become clearly apparently easy to blame. And so we fought like a couple that night. And so badly these feelings I have wanted to fight. But life has ways of keeping your surprised. And gray areas surface like the smoke of being exhaled in your mind. Like a weight around your heart and selfish wishes reside. where others are hurt and rightful confessions unpleasantly surprise. Where lines are unrightfully drawn but not distinctly determined who's to blame and who's the reliable side. Thinking there are two sides to every story but third party is truth and thinking in a reliable way. What if the two stories coincide and both people are most important in your life and your thinking you’ve been cursed with never doing anything convenient or right. What if I told you I would give up this feeling of dependency chemically with another body, but this choice isn’t an option because the heart wants what it does and it will always overpower minds strong intuitions of being emotionally robbed blind. And these butterflies floating away in my stomach with wings of woven colors constantly changing like mood rings confirm readiness to give into hearts fight. Away from always being caught in nets like childish games people like to play and leave shoulders heavy from others burdens disposed of into heartbreaking piles. And thinking of deceiving leaves heart in a fluttering type to its rhythm’s beating. And so sounds of your own drum begin being heard over muffled requests as recognition of what it means to really be not only be hearing, but truly listening.
Apr 1, 2014
Apr 1, 2014 at 1:39 PM UTC
Preferred are those conversations accompanied by cigarettes and splifs and misfits sitting where they knew they always should.
There comes a time when cleared minds realize conversations of personal problems and unified disfunction's exposed feels right. As though your ideas of crazy themes and wandering dreams are unified.
Listening to the good die young by billy Joel blasts as slow motions and hand gestures toss stories and emotions like cracking the binding of a books once judged by unpredictable covers.
I connect with people who's skin has sunken ink that tell stories people think need to stay forever by vibrating needles. Piercings on questionable parts like on noses that drip from other kinds of recreationals. that give bad impressions to those cliche stereotyped people. But if we're all the same species then how do you begin to distribute labels?
I believe there are certain people that smoke cigarettes. That need a release knowing risk that with each pack your buying death. But living larger then safe is easily the option that's best.
To fly free through roads just watching others live lives and in split seconds build their story lines. Like that feeling of peoples first expressions when first meetings happen and the only conversations are those of eyes that frigidly glance back. When you realize everyone is there for same reason. But curiosity is the catalyst for judgement and we have all done that.
I believe there are layers to the soul. Not like designated pieces and parts but one giant relation that we all hold. It's that common beating of trapped souls kept in that bone cage our chest mold. Each chest holds humanities most sacred vessel so how come so many people turn out damaged and evil when born starting with the same soul?
I'd like that think that our common bind is that we have the ability to breathe. And even when things get crazy and life gets messy and that ability to breathe starts to feel more like your starting to choke at least it's sign your still apart of this earth as a whole and not already six feet deep...
There's something beautiful in the fact your mind makes you who you are.. Or do you make up your mind? Are we all strung up like puppets being pulled on premeditated strings? Or are we morally free willed where fate is created based off every individuals caged vessels desires and whatever subjective shoulders conscious ends up deciding.
It's funny to me that people have angelic and demonic whispers on opposite shoulders because I believe that they are one in the same. That in reality our conscious is one unified subjective subconscious who has free will to take a ride with the devil but if they chose to live a live of angelic routine the heart gets hurt and your heads to blame.
Because the heart wants what it does but the mind always knows what's best. But what if together they worked the same and the explanation for decisions being made, are based purely on happiness with consequential benefits determined by what's locked inside that bone cage.
When does choosing between what's right and what's easy ever stop giving beatings to the beating vessel a rest.
Because I have never seen them coincide for most instances there's always that contradicting choice. The one you know you've already chosen but if you want everyone to win you will have to personally sacrifice happinesses of the real meanings of life.
The ones that hurt the most but are so addictive they are mentally deadly to any head that's got a heart full of selfish wishes that claw to fulfilled within me.
Regret is a funny concept because it can always be avoided, that intuition is real and if any instance of doubt or denial is present during, before, or after these ordeals,
you know your accepting the warm rush of blood make it's way home and suddenly your head turns numb and cold. And the only thing to do is uncage that spirit and let it go.
And these constant battles of war and peace have never in history coincided it seems. But what makes you the winner or the losing team? In reality it all doesn't matter in seems, because things happen and If you chose regret and if that's true happiness should anyone put there's souls intentions to rest?
Because hurting are those who believe they would rather let everyone else win because being themselves would ultimately hurt others.. And its conclusions like these, they say, you just cannot win. But I grew up when I realized life was really about how your pawn is played. And let's be honest, Humans have always been the most dangerous game. And ultimately everyone wants to win in a way, but their victory prevents others from reaching their souls restless place.
So this circle of life is that of our species chosen shape. Which makes a lot of sense in minds bigger state.
And I guess that's cool because anyone could say, that we do live condensed on a circle floating in an infinite space, where its never ending and confusingly contradicting , kind of common to that comparison about humanity's constant levitation around mixed messages that mind and heart keep sending.
But in the end were all just spinning. Rotating on sanities axis and gravitationally pulled one way, because that's the way the stars aligned. And that seems quite similar to humanities battle of premeditated fate. So free wills just another excuse for regret shunned away?
But after your feet get planted back in the ground and your mind doesn't feel like it's spinning, that's when you know your true conscious is winning. And even if I there's regret as minds price to pay, let your heart benefit from not caring what decisions it's made.
And for once don't settle by locking it back away in its cage.
See ribs have have rows of entrapment like cell doors and windows but don't they say if god doesn't open up the door he will a window? I think your heart needs to only be able to see through what it can handle. And your mind only cages that soul of questioned decisions away, because it's the one that hurts in longevity and gets damaged with mental repercussions in your head that will always stay. And hearts vessels only know what they've seen through the cage. It will be bruised but like clockwork healing starts and familiar tempting feelings once again become craved.
And anxiety of memories are sent to the brain when the heart wants to start over and relies on its mind to be brave. And sometimes that deceivingly beautifully ****** devil, on your shoulder distributes desired deadly sins your mind is banned from letting it's sweet heart discover.
Which is when it knows it's time to come back down from that beautiful risky heart thumping heaven and evaluate the damage you have done. And so now I see why hearts and minds don't get along. They desire each others abilities of their methods to stay strong...
Mar 27, 2014
Mar 27, 2014 at 2:59 AM UTC