I was laying in bed watching you move about the kitchen
We’d been apart so long
I didn’t even stop to think before I was on my feet and had my arms around you
My chin resting on your shoulder
Your sweet laugh brought a flutter to my heart as you asked if all the way across the room was really just too far
The pasta finished cooking and you left it in the strainer for an extra moment to sweep me up into your arms and tuck me back into bed
You saw the exhaustion in my eyes and knew what I needed even as I ignored it
You went back to the kitchen and as you returned to bed you pulled me back to rest against you.
We laid in bed and you told me to talk. Talk about anything I had felt while we’d been apart.
When I spoke of darkness, you kissed my forehead and reminded me you were there
When I spoke of light you shared in the memory
But regardless, with each new thought, you put a cold, plain noodle in my mouth.
I don’t know if it was actually that good
But from this moment forward
It’ll always be what I crave when I need you.
Jul 10, 2018
Jul 10, 2018 at 11:16 PM UTC
Tonight my I will pretend that my soul is not asleep on a beach in Zanzibar tonight.
As fiercely as I try to be present
I always seem to find my mind absent
but I never fail to find it
directly beside you.
Across the world,
I feel the red string tied around my pinky finger
pulsing with our unified heartbeat
gently trying to guide me back to you.
It is with a sort of despair that my tired body collapses once again into an empty bed
I hold the pillows I've surrounded myself with just a little bit tighter
knowing that across the world, when you fell asleep your last thoughts were of me
You are burned into my skin
With every brush on the shoulder from another
My mind freefalls into the comfort I know your comfort to be.
Always,
moments flow back into my mind of the warmth of your arms
your finger trailing down my spine
your hands wrapping my body around yours.
On our last day together,
you thought I was still asleep,
you wrapped one arm gently around me,
cradling me into your chest,
I could hear your heartbeat,
strong and steady,
and your other fingers traced the lines and curves of my body,
whispering sweet nothings into my hair,
finding peace with your body next to mine.
When I finally opened my eyes,
I woke in the way that leaves a glow in my chest for the rest of the day.
Your sweet smile bringing me back to earth,
your gentle 'good morning my love' bringing my smile to my sleepy eyes.
Jun 15, 2018
Jun 15, 2018 at 4:30 PM UTC
This body will never be beautifully at rest
I will always have to **** in my stomach to appear graceful
I will always have to lift my chin to slim my jawline
I will always force my collarbones forward
I will always lift my elbows to keep my arms from splaying against my body
I will always push my hips back to have that coveted thigh gap
I will always wear heels to define my calves
I will always cover my skin in paint and color
I will always force my hair to lay sweetly covering parts of my face
I will always cover the scars I gave myself trying to be beautiful
I will always
I will always
I will always
I will never be at rest.
May 23, 2018
May 23, 2018 at 1:54 AM UTC
Hand and hand we walked from a Pittsburgh Penguins hockey game
A place neither of us thought we'd be together
Down the streets of the city I held your hand the way that I always do–
A step behind you
my left in your right,
my right on your bicep,
and my head on your shoulder.
We walked into the hotel and up to the room.
I laid down in your arms
and we slept.
Even in your sleep,
you brought my body back to yours
every time I drifted away.
The next night I laid in your arms laughing
We tangled ourselves in the sheets
May 7, 2018
May 7, 2018 at 12:04 AM UTC
I wake up in your arms.
It feels like the first time all over again—
bathed in the gentle, golden light of the morning
my sleepy eyes open to see your gentle gaze.
We say good morning like we have a thousand times,
and you kiss me.
Kind and gentle, you bring me out of my dreams.
The soft cry from the other room
calls us to our baby girl
You go to bring her back to us,
but before you give me a kiss
and that unbelievable smile.
That smile
that makes me swoon like we are eighteen again.
You lay her down in our arms
the birds chirping through the windows.
For a moment I close my eyes,
I remember when we were eighteen
laying in bed
in room 1507 of the Fairmont Pittsburgh.
I was straddling your lap begging you to tell me about the dream you had.
You rolled your eyes and told me it'd scare me,
but I said do it anyways.
You told me that we were in Cape Cod
Wandering the streets.
Just you and me,
and our baby girl.
I laughed it off and pretended to be stunned
but deep in my chest,
in the silence of my heart,
it felt right.
When I open my eyes again,
I expect it to all be just a figment of my imagination.
But it's not,
you
and our little girl
are right there in front of me.
You're waiting for me to return to you,
and when you see I'm back.
You give me that smile.
One more time.
And I am home.
May 6, 2018
May 6, 2018 at 10:22 PM UTC
There are three things left:
The blood in my veins
The exhaustion creating black holes in my thoughts
and
you.
When my soul feels homeless, just floating in the void just above where our bodies rest. You are the gravity refusing to release me. You are the anchor that keeps me safe in the waves.
May 5, 2018
May 5, 2018 at 4:45 PM UTC
if you love me you will shred me, rip me apart
you will eat me alive
i am willing
if it means feeling weightless
Apr 28, 2018
Apr 28, 2018 at 11:26 PM UTC
...I write this for me.
He asked me what I wanted most of all.
I told him to answer the same question first, but I didn't listen to his answer.
The whisper in my head began the list
............Collarbones like knives that frame a chest that puts its ribcage on display in the plane just below my throat and dips backwards into the space of my heart
..........Arms as thin as the bones in a sparrow's wings with angles so sharp they are reminiscent of a diamond cutter
........A ribcage that seems to count its own bones as a pastime
......Legs so thin you can wrap a hand around their biggest parts
....Hipbones that reach out to welcome you into the cavity of my core
..A face with angles that can't be blurred by the smoke of my cigarette
I knew I couldn't say that aloud.
So I held him closer and said I had what I wanted right here.
He smiled and pulled me closer.
He whispered sweet nothings, and my mind raced to shame.
The breakfast I ate.
The breakfast I suffered through, but allowed.
The lunch I ate.
The lunch I purged.
The dinner I ate.
The dinner my heart rate quickened through.
Nothing for hours.
The late night binge.
Absolue.
Despicable.
Shame.
Apr 28, 2018
Apr 28, 2018 at 11:21 PM UTC
I am waiting.
You are working.
So my mind begins running.
why was I waiting? I never used to wait for anyone
I could convince gravity to let me go if i needed to
but, even in my desperate exhaustion,
I am sitting here,
pretending to work,
and waiting for you.
Maybe,
it is the way, when my being is floating ten feet above my body
and I cannot seem to be physically the world,
your arms pull me back down.
Although my body is too weak to hold me,
you bring me back down to you without ripping me out of the sky.
Or maybe,
it is because of the dreams that you have about me.
I don't like rushing,
but, when you tell me you dream of us,
married.
with a little baby girl.
Something in my heart says that when the time is right.
Your arms will be more than an anchor, they will be home.
So that is why I wait.
At first I said I'd leave when it was 10:30 and just go home,
then I said 10:45.
Now it is 11:04,
and I am waiting
because I cannot truly go home,
unless I leave with you.
Apr 28, 2018
Apr 28, 2018 at 10:59 PM UTC