Its been rough lately, real rough.
My head's been messy, real messy.
Swarming with thoughts of suicide and death.
Swarming like bees,
Each of their stingers drags a new slice into my thigh as I lay in my bathtub.
Its been rough lately, real rough.
My mind has been dark, real dark.
My chest seems to have trouble rising and falling as the wall of anxiety hits.
At this point I don't care if the next cycle of rising and falling is my last.
It's been rough lately, real rough
My brain has been, real sad.
My hands shake and twitch like my depression is trying to force them into doing something they shouldn't.
My body heaves with dry sobs.
I don't want to die but it wouldn't matter if I did.
Nov 16, 2017
Nov 16, 2017 at 7:14 PM UTC
I know it's hard.
Hard to see yourself as perfect as you are,
but I promise, you're perfect.
Perfect is imperfection without regard.
We love you.
I love you.
Don't change, you might lose your mind searching for something more beautiful than you, because it doesn't exist.
I don't tell you these things to make you blush,while I love your smile.
I tell you because your ears are closed and your heart vacant.
We love you.
I love you.
I saw you last night. Head in your hands, screaming about how much you hated yourself.
Believe me I've been there but you shouldn't hate your self.
There's nothing to hate.
You make the world shine brighter for me.
Breathe.
I love you so much please see why.
Sep 12, 2017
Sep 12, 2017 at 7:53 PM UTC
Today was a last.
My last with my best friend.
Today was a last.
A last with my speech and debate team.
For four years these people stood by me.
Picked me up when I fell, sometimes they were the ones who pushed me. But they loved me.
Today was a last.
The last time I got that warm feeling of home, walking into my speech and debate room.
The last time I turned my nose at the cafeteria lunch.
The last time I subtly flipped off the theater teacher.
Today there was a first for me.
The first time I thought of missing getting up at 6:30 to go to school.
The first time I cried at the knowledge of leaving my school.
Today I graduate.
I take four years of heartbreak and joy and sorrow and
memories of times I almost threw up from laughing so hard
memories of snorting sour patch kids dust for three bucks
memories of fighting with my friends in the halls
memories of sneaking food into class.
I hold these memories near to my heart.
Because within them is the best four years of my life that I would never give up.
Im nostalgic and that's okay, I say my goodbye as a welcome to fond memories and times to come.
Sep 12, 2017
Sep 12, 2017 at 7:48 PM UTC
Morsels lifted with crackling fingers with pin thin wrists.
I could sew a dress with my needle fingers but id have to lose some weight to fit into it.
I wish to be so perfect that all the other girls will cry because they know their DNA will never be as perfect as my own.
Bite marks imprinted on my knuckles from my dissolving teeth,reminding me that eating isn't worth it.
I wish to one day be thinner than her and her and her, to be thinner than the pencil I chew on instead of food.
Disappearing, dissolving, dying it's all the same but it's worth it for all the pain of wishes of perfect.
Sep 4, 2017
Sep 4, 2017 at 1:49 AM UTC
To be truthful, I am awkward.
When I stare blankly at you it's not because I'm not paying attention, it's because I'm too confused on what to say.
Yesterday, I dropped a book and when someone handed it to me I said good morning.
To be honest, I'm clumsy.
The last time I tried to make microwave Mac and cheese I forgot to put the water in and caught the pasta on fire.
Yesterday I tripped and fell on my pride, and it shattered like a mirror holding the reflection of someone who wasn't me.
To be frank, I'm stubborn.
I refuse to accept help from others.
Yesterday I broke four cups carrying a box of kitchen goods because I didn't let him take it from me.
To be candor, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of the things that I can't fix and the things that I never will be able to understand.
Yesterday my friend committed suicide. And today, I want to too.
Aug 24, 2017
Aug 24, 2017 at 10:15 PM UTC
Hands clenched so tight my knuckles turn white.
Face wrenched in tears.
Escaping breath not caught.
Rocking back and forth.
There's no reason. No rhyme.
Everything is closing in.
Noise is too loud and too quiet all at once.
I scream whispers of breath I don't have.
My body tells my brain I'm not okay.
My brain tells my body to panic.
My brain left my body.
I'm left in the crossfire of pain and terror.
I can't. Breathe. I can't fight. I can't do this. Please someone help me. PLEASE JUST HELP. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE.
Aug 21, 2017
Aug 21, 2017 at 11:06 PM UTC
I was born at night,
Bred to fight.
I could be the proud defender of
But instead I fell for love.
Be kind to those around you
Don't be merciless
Remember me.
I grew up
Still waiting for the windup.
Took my sword and shield in hand.
Made way to the promised land.
Remember me.
I was defeated
Fall of the land was repeated.
It fell for you.
Remember me.
Aug 5, 2017
Aug 5, 2017 at 3:39 PM UTC
Songs don't write themselves.
Food doesn't grow itself.
Paintings don't paint themselves.
Music doesn't play itself.
It all comes from us.
Humans.
We are capable of so many things.
We can laugh and cry.
We can dance and fall.
We can do so many amazing things, yet we choose to worry.
We choose to be negative.
We choose to see the bad over the good.
We choose to prioritize our appearances.
What happened to living our lives?
Doing what we wanted.
Eating ice cream with friends
Going to the lake.
Building snowmen with our families.
What happened?
When did we start sitting at desks for hours a day?
When did we start checking on our phones more than on our mothers or fathers?
When did we lose our ability to perceive happiness as an emotion and not the amount of money in our pockets or makeup in out bathrooms?
It's time to be spontaneous.
It's time to be strong and brave.
It's time to sing songs in public.
It's time to buy a dozen balloons for the people we love.
It's time to eat cake when we want regardless of calories.
It's time to take that painted smile off our faces and replace it with a real one.
It's time to be happy again.
We are amazing creatures.
We are human.
Jul 18, 2017
Jul 18, 2017 at 12:25 AM UTC
Roar like the river
Open your eyes
Atune your thoughts
Meditate on happiness
Roam with those before you and those who will come after you.
Jul 17, 2017
Jul 17, 2017 at 10:44 PM UTC
I have this friend.
His name isn't important, he hardly even remembers it.
He suffers.
He suffers like I did.
He knows the cold nights that stick their icicle fingers into your thoughts.
He knows the days of bleak nothing.
He now knows what I've been through.
Last night he called me.
Told me he couldn't anymore.
That he had nothing left.
And it's true. He didn't.
But I told him.
"I've been there before."
"I've felt the temptation."
What he doesn't know.
Is that I didn't have someone like me.
Someone to say no.
So my brain told me yes.
Until I spat out the pills.
And let my heart take over my mind.
But he doesn't believe me.
So he goes back into the dark to suffer once more.
Jul 15, 2017
Jul 15, 2017 at 3:38 AM UTC