it's been almost a month
and three weeks since you've left me,
and almost a month and
two weeks since you've gotten with her
and *******
I've been waiting for you to take me back,
but you don't.
and trust me when I say
I truly am happy for you,
I am,
and I truly do think that she's better for you,
and I have no problem with you speaking of her,
but I can't help but feel a sink in my chest
when you pause our conversation
to read a text from her.
I can't help but feel a little shatter in my chest
as you form that ever so enchanting smile
on your face,
and I can't help but push back the tears in my eyes,
when I see your fingers sprint around the letters on your phone
as you respond ever so intently,
and I can't help but think,
"that probably used to me."
but I smile.
I feel so much, yet I smile and think
"it's okay," because you're supposed to be happy
for the person you love right? So I smile.
but I'm sad, and I shatter a little every day
because she's perfect and I'm not.
I'm a little too hard to handle,
a little too hard to understand,
a little too complicated
but I she's not.
and I cry and depend on razors
a little bit too much,
but she prays and depends on her bible.
and I'm a little too contradictory
and a little too confused,
but she's not.
and so, she's better for you, and not me.
and so I smile.
I smiled when you forgot our lunch session
because you were too busy spending it with her.
I smiled when you forgot to check up on me,
because you probably were too busy
checking up on her.
and I'll always smile
but I'll always shatter inside because
I love you, but you'll always be too busy
loving her.
Nov 8, 2016
Nov 8, 2016 at 3:57 AM UTC
Today feels a little bit off,
a little bit off than yesterday,
and a little bit off than the day before
yesterday.
If only I could replay January,
as often as I replay Lukas Graham's "What happened to perfect".
If only I could skip to the parts where you were
always here
And erase the parts where you weren't.
If only I could scream "CUT" at the scenes where you start to make my skin itch,
And my temper bomb tick,
like this sheet I'm lying on.
But it feels like we're on different sides of the globe,
And I'm always here but you never want to stay,
you never want to come home.
I wish I could fast foward to the parts where things are okay again,
Where I'm sitting next to you, and you're smiling
and I'm looking at you
Telling you how beautiful you are.
And then I could say:
"This is perfect
Let's pause here."
But we're not starring in a movie,
this is not a song, and
we're not characters in a play
This is real life,
And sadly it is always on play.
Apr 19, 2016
Apr 19, 2016 at 3:36 AM UTC
I'm loaded
I've locked and stored everything inside.
But the walls are beginning to break:
Bang! against my mouth,
Bang! against my heart
Bang! against my fists,
Bang! I'm falling apart.
I'm so heavy,
I've locked and stored it all inside,
My feet are heavy, and I'm playing tug and war
to keep these walls from falling apart,
but they're halfway down:
**** I'm getting weak
**** I can't lift my feet
**** I'm starting to fall
**** is this it?
I have been burdened
I've manufacturing bottles
and using my feelings as its fluid for too long
But the walls are shaking,
and they're finally down:
Boom! did you hear that sound?
Boom! that's the sound of anger, roaring
Boom! I've cause an explosion
Boom! I am scary now, I finally burst.
Feb 22, 2016
Feb 22, 2016 at 8:07 AM UTC
You damaged my heart slightly that night,
little pokes here and there,
And my blood is calling out to me,
wanting to be released.
And my razors are sitting smiling at me,
because they know my demise and
they love towhat they're seeing.
but I won't give in, I'm not that weak.
You wrecked my emotions slightly that night,
and it's a emotion crash
in my heart body and mind
"Crime scene" tapes hanging all around
because my happiness was killed
and along with it my laughter died.
And my tears are crashing against the walls of my eyes
because they too know my demise.
but I won't give in, I will not cry.
You took my sleep slightly that night,
staring in the dark,
creating my own sky
It's beautiful and so was I.
And my insecurities are awake
they're by my side
trying to hold my hand
and mock me tonight.
but I won't give in, tonight I'll smile
even if it's fake, I will smile.
Feb 22, 2016
Feb 22, 2016 at 8:06 AM UTC
I'm loaded
I've locked and stored everything inside.
But the walls are beginning to break:
Bang! against my mouth,
Bang! against my heart
Bang! against my fists,
Bang! I'm falling apart.
I'm so heavy,
I've locked and stored it all inside,
My feet are heavy, and I'm playing tug and war
to keep these walls from falling apart,
but they're halfway down:
**** I'm getting weak
**** I can't lift my feet
**** I'm starting to fall
**** is this it?
I have been burdened
I've manufacturing bottles
and using my feelings as its fluid for too long
But the walls are shaking,
and they're finally down:
Boom! did you hear that sound?
Boom! that's the sound of anger, roaring
Boom! I've cause an explosion
Boom! I am scary now, I finally burst.
Feb 19, 2016
Feb 19, 2016 at 10:50 AM UTC
I came across a quote that said:
"Never stopped chasing the one you love"
And tears streamed down my face,
And my heart ached,
When I remember how I chased after your love
So wearily,
And how you ran away so tirelessly.
h.s.
Nov 1, 2015
Nov 1, 2015 at 3:39 PM UTC
Sometimes I have ideas for poems
And then I lose them
Somewhere between the generating of the idea
And writing it down.
Sometimes I start a poem whose ending I know,
But somewhere in between
Something happens
And I lose my trail of thought
I forget the ending
And then discard the whole thing
In fury
or confusion
Or a fusion of those two.
Is that what happened with you?
Was I your brand new idea?
Did you forget what we had?
Did you forget to write me
On every single notepad you have?
Did you forget our ending?
Did you get lost
And forgot me,
Somewhere in between finding me
And writing me down?
Did you discard me in fury or confusion?
Did you forget what we had?
Oct 30, 2015
Oct 30, 2015 at 6:04 PM UTC
I've always wanted to stand OUT you know-
be d i f f e r e n t.
Be that pencil in a box of crayons,
Or that one fish out of the water,
Who swears that he can survive on land.
I've always wanted to be like you.
Walking with your own feet,
Dancing to your own beat.
I try to be free but,
I'm caged in this frame:
This skin, these bones,
I'm caged in this cage.
Physically freed,
But still mentally slaved
Thinking
Different is rebellious
Thinking d i f f e r e n t is insane.
Not knowing even though "different",
You're still the same.
I admire you
Because you're the person I often try to be,
The person I want to be
My inspiration
You're novelty
You're a queen.
h.s
Oct 20, 2015
Oct 20, 2015 at 10:50 PM UTC
I could say I am a ball of contradictions,
confusions and delusions
But I'm no ball,
I'm no perfect shape.
Rather,
I'm just pieces of different debris
And forsaken things,
Like the broken arm off a kid's doll
Thrown together,
In attempts to make something.
And in attempts to make something of myself,
I lost you and
I came up with nothing.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror
But all I see is an empty, yet full frame.
I feel so empty,
I've left you in people and things
I've worn myself out trying to find you
and I'm tired.
I'm empty, yet full.
Full of things that aren't me
Full of little pieces I've kept from many old you's
Hoping to one day find the real you.
I'm tired, tired of roaming in different directions,
Spinning in different circles
And scaling hills and valleys,
To find you
I'm tired of looking in empty trashcans,
And through the cracks in sidewalks,
And in people,
To find you.
I'm tired of seeking and not finding.
Dear old self, can you stop hiding?
This game of hide and seek is getting pretty tiring.
h.s
Oct 20, 2015
Oct 20, 2015 at 10:50 PM UTC
Everyday I lose pieces of myself.
Looking back to a couple of days ago,
I found myself lost in the "whys"
Of my previous love
Or was it just a fling?
Like: "why wasn't I enough?"
"why did you stop answering my messages?"
"Why didn't we work?"
and "why can't I move on?"
Like "why am I still hypnotised to the sound your footsteps made
The last time you walked by?"
And "why, why the hell does this feel like I'm singing the same old song?"
"Why doesn't this feel new?"
Looking back to a couple months ago
I found myself rummaging through the remains of your mind
Trying to decipher the meaning behind everything you do.
Why one minute you love me and the next you don't.
Why one minute you're a book,
Free to open and to read
And the next, you're a closed door,
With a lost key.
I keep losing myself.
I lost pieces of myself in you
I should be used to this
But the thing is,
I had hoped to find myself in you.
Oct 20, 2015
Oct 20, 2015 at 5:05 PM UTC