Some days, when the skies turn into dark, steely greys, and the rain pours down like the Gods are weeping, I make an effort to pull out the dusty box in the back of my closet. Within it, are memories that are better off forgotten. Everyone who has ever been a part of them, think that these ancient artifacts have been long destroyed, reduced to rubble, burned in fires too bright and strong to survive. However, these items, these photos, these ancient pieces from another era, another time, another life, are reminders of just how far I’ve come. I can pull out a hoodie, deep red, the colour of my blood on my sheets after you left and wrap myself in it to find comfort from the storm raging outside my window. You see, these memories are some things that may be better off erased and destroyed, but every once in a while, when the fragility of life is made apparent, you need to be able to pull out a dusty box, filled with belongings of your seventeen year old self, young and in love, fearlessly taking on and navigating the bumpy roads, of holding two lives in your hands, and working tirelessly to blend them together. You’ll fall in love again, maybe you already have, but you will never fall in love for the very first time again, and it’s important to physically be able to hold that too hot summer in your hands; where the weather only allowed you to sit by the water with the air conditioning on full blast, playing songs on a hand burned CD, talking about the future like you had a clue of what it would bring. It’s important to remember what being naïve and infinite was like. It’s important to be able to remember him. It’s important to let yourself remember him.
Apr 13, 2015
Apr 13, 2015 at 7:09 PM UTC
I remember lying with you, tears streaming down my face. It was the first time that I ever begged you to stay, the first time that I ever let you see how much I needed you, the first time I ever let you see the deep fear within me. You looked me right back in the eyes, wiped the welling tears from my cheeks, kissed my nose and promised that you would always be there. I guess thats why, after we ended, you never stayed gone. When I yelled at you to please, leave me alone, you begged me to please, just calm down, let you stay.
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 1:15 AM UTC
Please stop coming back,
When you don’t stay for too long,
I can’t take seeing you,
But not seeing you there at all.
My heart still longs
For the feelings you used to give it,
It still searches for home,
Even though home is not in you anymore.
My hands are still searching
For the feeling of yours holding them,
For the intertwined fingers,
The squeezes of love and reassurance.
My mind is still wrapped up,
In sleepy three a.m’s,
In mumbled “i love you’s”,
In sighs of happiness.
Feb 20, 2015
Feb 20, 2015 at 3:21 AM UTC
Round and round in circles we go,
Like a merry-go-round,
The spinning never stops,
We are never on the same page,
Round and round in circles we go,
Chasing each other like a game of tag,
You run too fast,
I can never catch up,
Round and round in circles we go,
Play hide and seek,
I am an excellent hider, I do it so well,
You can never find me,
Round and round in circles we go,
I guess we are both to blame,
They say not to search for love,
It will find you, just stay put,
Round and round in circles we go,
I swore I would stop writing about you months ago,
But muses are a rare commodity,
You’re still buried deep in my thoughts,
Round and round in circles we go,
Just stop turning, stop running, stop hiding, stop pretending,
Come back, wait, please,
I promise I can love you better.
Nov 29, 2014
Nov 29, 2014 at 4:32 PM UTC
One step forward,
Two steps back,
You don’t make it,
It makes you,
Luck is for the dreamers,
I am becoming a realist,
Take off the mask,
Wipe away the makeup,
Brush your hair,
Stare at your face,
Who are you?
Are you the face you apply each day?
Are you the persona you carry?
Take a good look,
Stare at your eyes,
Brown flecked with green,
What do they want to see you do?
Wash away the day,
Scrub away the thoughts of doubt,
Reassure yourself that you have got this,
You have to have this,
No one else will have it for you,
Curl up and try not to cry,
When did you miss so much?
Try to get your life on track,
But what track, which one?
Don’t pick paths which will lead you back to people,
People are never constant,
They change like the weather,
Fall asleep,
Don’t rest though,
Have your mind plagued with thoughts,
Let the past crash down around you,
You could have done things differently,
You could have saved that,
Why did you care so much?
Why did you put them before you?
Wake up,
Let the mask reform,
Plaster on that smile you get compliments on,
Day in day out,
You are a better person,
Not knowing what kind of person you really are at all.
(e.m.w)
Nov 19, 2014
Nov 19, 2014 at 11:39 AM UTC
You have no idea, how much I wish that I could take the pain away,
And replace your teary eyed nights,
With peaceful dream filled sleep,
My heart breaks, when I answer the phone to your tired voice,
Which is full of fear that you cannot shake,
I want you to know a few things,
I have told you them all before,
You are stronger than a million warriors charging into battle,
You posses more knowledge than the smartest people on the earth,
You are worth more than what people tell you and make you think,
You have wisdom beyond your years,
You have felt more pain than anyone should ever feel in their lifetime,
But you are a survivor,
Overcoming every hurdle with grace and dignity,
I don’t believe in a God,
But looking at you navigate life with such grace and pushing fear aside,
Makes me believe in you the way some people believe in a higher power,
You serve as my inspiration,
The person who I want to please with my success,
You are everything I want to be,
Because you,
Although scared, and frightened,
Have created, moulded and navigated your way to a place,
Where even though, there are still scared, tear-filled nights,
Is the right path and place for you to be.
―
Ellie White
Jun 13, 2014
Jun 13, 2014 at 2:39 AM UTC
Ever since I came back to this place,
Where street signs and neighborhood parks,
Mark first kisses and an entity of first moments,
I have not been able to be at peace with myself,
Because every time I turn a corner in this hometown we experienced first love in together,
I am reminded of times and events which have been packed into boxes labeled
“Do not open, avoid at all costs,” in my mind.
I don’t want to remember the significance that these places hold anymore,
I don’t want to be constantly reminded of what event happened where,
I can’t be home here,
Being home only makes me long for you,
Which I find the perfect irony in,
Because the only place I have ever truly felt at home was wrapped in your arms,
Parked on the side of this suburban road, looking out over street signs and neighborhood parks,
On hot summer days,
Like today.
(e.m.w)
May 6, 2014
May 6, 2014 at 12:37 AM UTC
I still try to wash you from my life,
my body,
my mind,
I still take all my clothes,
my sheets,
my towels
And put them in a wash with too much detergent praying that this time,
You will not be there anymore,
That your scent which I know faded months ago,
Will be erased from my memory.
I still smell that ******* hoodie which sits folded in my closet,
Like it did,
When it,
When I,
Waited for you to come back and
Claim it,
Claim me.
I still smell what I used to when I burrowed my head into your chest,
And get hit with a wave of nostalgia,
Breathing deeper than I ever had before,
Because you taught me what breathing felt like.
Because you showed me that I had never known what air in my lungs felt like before
Because I feel like there is water in my ******* lungs and I am gasping for air daily.
[This will never be finished. I have nothing left to say. There is nothing left to say. This will be added to the collection of unfinished work which will never see the light of day again. Because we all need to give up on something in this world. And I can't give up on you as easily as you did to me. So I will give up on putting my thoughts on a page with some grace and delicacy and fluidity that moves perfectly. I will give up on that]
(e.m.w)
Apr 21, 2014
Apr 21, 2014 at 5:49 PM UTC
I wish that I could have one more night with you lying next to me,
That way, when you trace the path from your heart to mine,
I can memorize the path that your hand took,
I can know where in my body my heart is located,
That way when you deem my heart,
Not good enough,
And my mind is telling my terrible things,
I can still trace my way back to my own heart,
And be reassured that just because you rejected my heart,
Does not mean that I must reject it as well,
Because it still serves a purpose for me.
(e.m.w)
Apr 21, 2014
Apr 21, 2014 at 5:45 PM UTC
I drank a little too much tonight
Until I could feel the blood in my veins being replaced with a foreign substance
A substance which replaces sanity for insanity
and pain for numbness
I drank until I could feel my head swimming
Until something shifted within me,
Until there was nothing but sadistic thoughts
Every sip made me shut my eyes,
Feel the burn of the alcohol slide down my throat,
Feel the way that with every sip,
I lost the feeling of being lost more and more.
With each sip, your name became more and more clouded,
and the dates special to me faded more and more from my mind
With every sip, I cared less and less,
Because I began to feel nothing but the warm sensation rushing through my veins that you used to give me,
In the form of something much more toxic.
But like every substance that feels good as it courses through your veins,
There is always a price to pay in the morning,
And as the buzz and warmth that the alcohol provided slowly fades away,
It is replaced by what I had been smothering,
But like every time you smother the pain,
When it finally returns,
It returns more ferocious and vivacious than before.
emw
Feb 8, 2014
Feb 8, 2014 at 7:06 AM UTC