Your name is on the tip of my tongue each moment I have an opportunity to say it
"Oh X and I were just talking about that-"
"X doesn't like that kind of food."
"That's so funny, X was saying the same thing!"
I've never liked the feeling of someone else's name on my mouth more
These are the moments when I wish the folk tales told to me as a child were true
Because if I could say your name three times and you'd appear, I would sing it like a song
Humming each time I felt myself wish you were here
I wonder if your ears burn when I laugh your name to my friends, filling the room with the anxious adoration of my energy
Does my name hold the same power?
The ability to masquerade panic as confidence, in the moments most required
Only to later melt into the world just through recalling the moment you used my name in warmth
Mar 7, 2019
Mar 7, 2019 at 8:47 PM UTC
During an experience, I feel your presence wrap it’s warm arms around me
And for a moment I am safe
For a moment you are here
Only to be dragged back to reality, kicking and screaming
There is no denying that this is how things are now
I am alone
And that doesn’t mean that I’m lonely
But it does mean I’m without you
And like a phantom limb, I am often reaching out of habit
Only to find empty space
Where your hands once were
Oct 1, 2018
Oct 1, 2018 at 11:51 PM UTC
Decisiveness is a surefire way to know that I'm upset
If you ask me a question
And I don't linger
Prepare for a later moment where I yell, cry, or am completely silent
I am decisive out of necessity
I am decisive because taking my time is a luxury and I sink into like a bath
I wrap my hands around the bubbles, make myself a hat and ask you: "How do I look?"
If I'm decisive, it's because you've hurt me
And even though I want to take off the seriousness of my desicions like jeans at the end of the day
I risk losing my momentum
I risk losing your respect
Because you don't take me seriously when I'm indecisive
Because that's when I'm most like my myself
Jan 29, 2018
Jan 29, 2018 at 1:28 AM UTC
When I kiss him
It will be gentle
There will be no signs of forced entry
The doors will be unlocked
I will come quietly
Carefully
When I kiss him
I will move slowly
My lips will occupy new space with admission
He will keep the windows open
And a warm taste will wash over us; feeling vaguely familar
As if our tongues remember the way our minds do
When I kiss him
My hands will reach for his cheeks
Anticipating small patches of stubble that he was comfortable enough to keep
The lights will be off
The morning will be soon
We will have had little sleep
And only small traces of my touch will be leftover in his delayed breathing
Sep 8, 2017
Sep 8, 2017 at 2:36 AM UTC
Sometimes I stay awake in the early mornings
Listening to the shower of sound that comes from the wind tossing through the trees
And wish that at this hour, other things kept my company
The way memories do
Of your hand on my hip, bunching my pajamas in the ball of your fist
Taking a deep breath
And finally
Moving away
With your breath still warm on my lips
Murmuring in tired song about your intentions
About our choices
"What are we going to do?"
"Nothing."
Aug 30, 2017
Aug 30, 2017 at 7:22 PM UTC
I'm going to sleep now
With your voice swirling in my mind
And your laugh speckling the silence of 2am in technicolor
This canvas of exhaustion is covered in you
And I've never been more happy
To feel so tired
Apr 5, 2017
Apr 5, 2017 at 4:14 AM UTC
I am allowed to fight for me
It doesn't make me uncompassionate
It doesn't make me selfish
It doesn't make me less than enough
It makes me strong
It makes me proud
It makes me brave
I am allowed to fight for me
Because I am worthy of being fought for
Because I need to take care of myself first and foremost
Because I deserve a hero like me
Dec 12, 2016
Dec 12, 2016 at 12:29 AM UTC
The water is cold and touches the parts of me that feel foreign
I am still pulling needles out of my hair
Bits of broken green and mud spiral into the drain in quick motions
The more I scrub at my skin, the harder it becomes to erase the damage I can't remember
For a moment I wonder how many inches of water is required to drown
When the moment is over I carefully step out of the shower
My eyes connect with the nurse, she tells me that I can wear these clothes because mine had to be thrown away
Only half an hour ago I reached to pull down my underwear to find nothing
I needed to be inspected
A black hole with a past I didn't know needed to be examined
This felt like the kind of dream where all the images are blurred and control is lost, the character moving forward doesn't resemble the one that fell asleep
I nod and begin to dress myself in an oversized hoodie and sweatpants
My sister comes to pick me up, she is in tears
I try to make a joke
To recall the person before
She doesn't laugh
I am not the same
A gravity weighs down the air, like a wolf fetching for the **** it bites down on the neck of my spirit and draws blood
It remains there for months
And will come to claim it's full prize in a court room
Full of men defending men
With reasons that vary depending on the sport, the class, the color, the ***
I was unconscious that night but I am awake to see the picture of you they use in the news
You are smiling
Eyes wide
You are a "good boy", a "future will be destoryed", a "made a mistake" kind of man
I am a "binge drinker", an "attention seeker", a "should of known better" kind of girl
You feel you have won
But I never finished fighting
I will declare a war
Not for you
But for the girl before
For the victims whose voice was once unsure
I hear you
And we will shout together
Jun 30, 2016
Jun 30, 2016 at 4:40 AM UTC
This is the day I realize that a person can love two people at once
And still not know how to love themself
Nov 6, 2015
Nov 6, 2015 at 12:07 PM UTC
You are a broken clock
Fixated on keeping time
Persistent on my eyes to watch
As the years go by
As I've lost my pride
You continue to lie
And now routine has become the devils alibi
Lost concepts of freedom and love
Float but do not stay in my mind
I am programmed to keep within the hours
Despite their misguidance
Despite their need to hurt and contain
Shatter and refrain
You are a broken clock
That I thought I could fix
But my hands are sore
And my heart is weary
And the time has never changed
Nov 4, 2015
Nov 4, 2015 at 5:21 PM UTC