I lay awake,
And honestly my mind is struggling to create a poem,
Truthfully, writing as an art is becoming foreign to me,
Nowadays it’s just turned into screaming into my steering wheel while listening to loud music.
I can’t lie, some days that’s the only thing that helps,
And some days I just have to listen to the rain pelts.
I’ve had to learn to find beauty,
And intricacy,
And love,
Between the lines of what is supposed to be stupid and simple.
I was asked the question,
“What helps relieve the pain?”
I held back what I know used to help,
And answered with my own question…
What constitutes pain?
Is it a burning feeling through your veins?
Or the hollow feeling in your chest after your heart is shattered into a million pieces?
I don’t know, there’s no real answer. To either questions.
I’ve found myself writing at this time more and more,
Not because it’s a pleasant time to write,
But I believe there is a reason.
There is a part of me that believes the reason is a blessing,
But at times I feel its a curse,
But maybe it’s a reminder of how I could have ended up in a hurst.
So at 1:00 AM,
I sit in bed,
I listen to the rain outside,
And I write.
Not to relieve the pain,
And it’s not to fight the stars,
It’s not even to dream of nights in bars,
It’s to replace the blood with clean water inside the broken drain.
Apr 18, 2018
Apr 18, 2018 at 9:18 PM UTC
The smell of cigarette smoke,
To most, it is a heinous smell,
But I can’t even choke.
The aroma takes me back in time,
Where my mind wasn’t a living hell,
And giving away a heart wasn’t a crime.
I loved how the smoke would go out the windows,
Like a soul coming out of its cell,
Or maybe that’s just how the wind blows.
Each puff was something I never got,
Did it slowly **** me, only time will tell,
Probably not, thinking about those days ties me into a knot.
**** those days are getting old,
The pain and heart rate fell,
So many stories have been untold.
Apr 18, 2018
Apr 18, 2018 at 9:16 PM UTC
Would you call back if I wrote you a song?
And if I told you what was wrong?
What the **** is your problem, all you do is shatter the world,
And you sit in the cataclysm of your destruction.
Who in the hell are you,
Are you the man in the mirror,
Or are you the demons under your bed?
Why do you keep listening to the voices in your god **** head?
Stop taking those pills,
And quit pounding the liquor,
I get that you miss how you felt with her…
**** it man,
If you don’t quit this you’re gonna fall,
While the reaper stands over you,
10.
Feet.
Tall.
Apr 18, 2018
Apr 18, 2018 at 9:15 PM UTC
Smiles.
Your smile was one of my favorite things,
More elegant than the most beautiful rose.
It couldn't match up to mine,
Oh that smile that took away the anger towards my foes.
The smile that you would smile so happily when I would tickle your toes.
It's all a memory I will always cherish,
My heart is the only thing that truly knows.
Your smile to my heart will never perish,
It shined away even the darkest crows.
So in all you do, and all you reminisce,
Remember one thing.
Your smile was my favorite thing, it helped me get through bad days.
And now I hope someday I am the person you think of when you're sad or upset.
Because deep down, no matter what,
Your smile was the biggest with me.
No matter where, what, or when.
The sun will rise and set.
Dec 8, 2017
Dec 8, 2017 at 5:38 PM UTC
The relentless love,
The one she gave you hope with.
The way she would pierce you,
With every heartfelt, faithful kiss.
The sparkle in her eyes,
Controlling every synonymous thought.
Don't you miss it,
The way she said she loved you?
The way she would press her lips to yours,
Allowing you to escape your darkest fears?
That's what you will miss,
Or is it more?
Is it the way she would hold you,
Or the way her hair seemed to always find its way to your hands.
It's all part of a myth,
That love returns.
You miss her,
Don't tell yourself anything different.
She was something extraordinary,
Right?
Dec 8, 2017
Dec 8, 2017 at 5:35 PM UTC
2:30 blinks on the alarm clock,
The shadows in my mind settle in,
The echoes of my pain as strong as old whiskey,
Do the thoughts ever end?
I lay awake at night and wonder,
Do my eyes long for sleep or for joy?
Where is it, where are you?
Is my sanity only an illusion?
Cracks of thunder roll across the night sky,
Lightning flashes my room full of color,
My muse is a pen and paper,
But even muses can become the thing that haunts you.
I'm gonna think of this when I'm old,
I'm glad I long for the wind in the night sky,
Instead of wondering when it will die,
Wasted time kills a man, but he can take it back.
I feed off of the dimming horizon,
The silhouette of a life haunts me,
It draws me to the immense beauty of those I love,
Beauty is haunting, and it will never define me.
Dec 8, 2017
Dec 8, 2017 at 5:32 PM UTC
Dear whomever may come across this,
It is a cold November night,
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, and honestly I do not want to anymore.
There is nothing that can slow my mind,
Not even the coldest of winds next to a burning fire.
I wish I could tell you that your ship won’t be destroyed,
I am afraid I would be lying if I said it won’t be ruined at times.
There will be nights of torrential waves and lightning that seem like they will never end,
The water will rush over your head and make you drown in your own pain.
You will see all the thoughts and memories that haunt you for the rest of your life,
And you will see the moments and times that you cherish.
You will regret taking them for granted and wish you evaporate into the night sky,
But please my beloved, do not give your life away and wish to die.
This may be a dark open letter, but I hope that this makes you feel a little better,
Because I know how dark this time is, I know the shadows all too well.
There will never be anything that could be worse than this it seems,
But believe me, there’s an even darker place below these tides.
I know the shadows speak to you as if they have control over you,
And maybe they do.
I don’t know why the darkness over,
If only I knew, then maybe I would help you understand.
But I want you to know that even though all may seem gone,
It truly is not.
The world may seem like a maze full of dead ends and torturous nights,
But eventually they will subside and you will know why.
For now, know that the waves will take a while to go back to their normal tide,
And that one day you will open your eyes and see the most beautiful of sights.
I can’t tell you when that will be, and I wish I could.
But for now, I have one thing to say.
Don’t sink.
Endure the weight of the waves and the sand.
Let them make you someone different, but not take away all of you.
Do not sink.
Nov 25, 2017
Nov 25, 2017 at 2:54 PM UTC
What if I told you that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, my world is full of everything sad as grey.
I remember how it felt when the sun would come, even if it was just for a second, my life felt a little bit true.
But not now, and it won’t be for a while. Many times I have thought about throwing in the towel… just washing myself away in hard liquor and sorrows.
Maybe it isn’t fair, maybe I am just a shadow of who I am supposed to be. Maybe the world isn’t ending, maybe it is just my demons taunting me with these thoughts that aren’t even true.
I wish I could tell you all of the thoughts that come to my mind, I wish that I could say that I believe that everything will be okay.
I wish you could understand my mind and how I have never seen anything more beautiful than darkness on a **** highway at 3 in the morning.
The world is so dark to me, figuratively and literally.
I do not say that lightly, because it would be a cowardly thing to be dishonest about.
I wish I could say that I don’t envy the people who can find joy in almost anything this life has to offer.
Because when you struggle to find joy in the things that usually bring you happiness, you realize just how lonely you are in this void.
It feels like I am in this abyss of shadows and the ethereal way is calling me home but I am restricted by a noose made of chains.
Sounds miserable doesn’t it, I wish you could understand. I truly wish you could.
I wish you could understand as easily as a burning fire burns through even the toughest wood.
-
I view my world like a vinyl album on a record player, constantly spinning for a little and then coming to a stop when the content is finished being played.
The difference is that the album can be replayed and flipped over, but my mind feels impossible to move and restart.
No fire could light up my life anymore, because I have already fallen and hit the cold, stony floor.
I am 50 feet below the surface, looking up at the world with a broken lens. I mean, wouldn’t your sight and beliefs be cracked if you fell that far too?
Oct 12, 2017
Oct 12, 2017 at 5:12 PM UTC
do you remember
when we first shared a look
dead silence between us
didnt matter so much
we lay on the grass
looking at the stars
it seemed so cliche
but then i thought who the hell cares
Oct 21, 2016
Oct 21, 2016 at 11:48 AM UTC
My Walk with Wires
I thought I was done,
Crawling away from devilish thoughts,
But they creep back in,
Twisting my brain into knots.
I thought I was done running away,
It was the first rain of May,
The numbness of my words and my love?
Procaine makes the numbness infinite.
I’m walking on thin wires,
My eyes roll,
Why am I not moving?
Is it my excavation of life, or just my flat tires?
What lead to this curse,
My life isn’t found in an expensive purse,
It’s not found in fables,
It’s found in the elegance of what gets worse.
There’s a forest,
It’s whispering your name,
Honestly, it’s screaming about my shame,
Is it my heart, or is it me that’s to blame?
I punch these mirrors,
You stare,
The ideas in my head?
You made them so unfair.
White flashes,
Blue flashes,
Red flashes,
Broken blood flowing out of these gashes.
Did I fall,
Was it real?
The jagged wires collapsed?
I’m navigating away from these traps…?
I’m awake now,
Only a little bit of pain is here,
What did I dream of?
Was it about March 17th again?
I only need that eternal love,
I didn’t need the so called beauty of a dove,
You scream out,
I call back, but with eternal resentment.
We all need a little more love,
But some of us have to earn it by walking,
Walking on thin wires,
Because it’s a testament of your true heart.
Oct 21, 2016
Oct 21, 2016 at 11:42 AM UTC