08.08.14: I look in the mirror and I see the fingerprints seared into my skin. I see all the things you called
| beautiful |
and see them as
ugly
tainted
and defiled.
Because you built up an image of me I never could see, when you left it came crashing down even lower than before.
Now I hate words like:
"I'm sorry",
"I love you", &
"I won't leave".
Because you did everything you said you wouldn't.
You weren't sorry—you're dating someone else.
You don't love me—you lust me.
You left.
And now I've got a void called my heart that's filled with shattered pieces after you bulldozed through my life.
Thanks for the poison memories and toxic dreams.
Mar 21, 2015
Mar 21, 2015 at 1:45 AM UTC
I will never understand how
the biggest rose,
can be supported
by the smallest stem.
I will never understand how
the most beautiful things,
can be handled the roughest.
And I will never understand how
the hardest things to go through,
are the most valuable lessons to learn.
*Love is not without a price.
Supported means your weight
is someone else burden.*
I will never understand the letters
that tear my fingers to shreds
as I pull out the heart
you left on every tear stained page.
*Love is pain.
Pain that you gain
in waves of regret
crashing upon banks of memories.*
I will never understand how
the green in the grass
matches the green in my face
when the word 'love' comes to
grace the air with its presence.
*Love is the crying in the corner,
and the hollow 'i love you's
that stream through the cracks,
at the bottoms of doors.*
The bones of your past
are welded together
to make a beautiful disaster
of hopeful dreams upon the
wings of butterfly kisses.
Butterfly wishes
that move through the wind,
as a new found romance
reminds you the pains of your past.
And the broken shards that seep
through your freckles
are all out for the world to see,
but cover up,
where's the bb cream
no know can know
what the walls of my bedroom do.
The strains of my past
and the cracks in the gaps
between the letters of
'i love you'
that don't come without a price.
I will never understand
why the sun rises to kiss the treetops
and how the birds still sing
in the midst of a hurricane.
Mar 17, 2015
Mar 17, 2015 at 1:09 AM UTC
I wish I could be there with you
and wipe away your tears
and go pummel whoever made you cry
in the first place
and I wish I could help you
make your dreams come true so you
would believe that all you ever needed
to do was believe in yourself
so you could fly
and I wish that I could tell others
of how wonderful you are
even with all the scars of the past
and remind them that they have pain too
but not to let that get in the way
of the light your bring to the table
and I wish oh how I wish you knew
that you are loved and cared for
and designed for a greater purpose
than the bleakness in front of you now..
Feb 3, 2015
Feb 3, 2015 at 11:10 AM UTC
Somehow we all learn
to hide our secrets.
No one has to teach us we just
Know that sharing means
**retribution
condemnation
judgement**
and abandonment.
So we keep it inside.
We know better than to share
But baby hear me,
when I say the only way
to *forgiveness
healing*
and freedom
is to share our secrets and
hold out hope that
the other person will
love you anyway.
Jan 18, 2015
Jan 18, 2015 at 6:09 PM UTC
Sitting behind the pen and paper
looking at all the scribbled out words
and realizing nothing is making sense anyway.
*I'm sorry
I've let you down again
I can't even bear look
at myself anymore
**I was supposed to be so much better
than this.***
Jan 16, 2015
Jan 16, 2015 at 12:32 PM UTC
So you want to know
what death looks like...
It looks like her,
Make-up done perfectly
Red lips that could ****
Nails black as dusk
Heels sharp as knives.
Death.
Looks like her eyes
Captivating.
Stunning. Yet lifeless.
Jan 13, 2015
Jan 13, 2015 at 11:16 PM UTC
Some will say that you're
"one heartbreak closer to
finding your soul mate",
but how many can you withstand
before the world no longer
teems with color and the
laughter no longer reaches your eyes.
How many times
can your heart sink and bleed
and you can still call yourself alive.
————————————————————
*You're gonna make it out alright.
I know it doesn't seem that way
right now but I promise
I've been there and I got through it.
It hurt.
I cried.*
A lot.
*But I got up, brushed off
fell some more, and made it through.
And I know you will too.*
Jan 13, 2015
Jan 13, 2015 at 7:33 PM UTC
You fight and fight. All you've ever done is fight. Fight for justice.
You are always pressured to be perfect.
To act perfect, look perfect, to be nice to everyone.
To obey everything your parents tell you.
To be a perfect example to your younger siblings.
To get straight A's, to be an excelling student.
To do community service, and help out at the church.
But no one ever thinks that all this has taken its toll on you.
It never crossed anyone's mind that you'd need a break too.
That you'll never be perfect. Not even close.
But no one cares enough to listen. Everyone is too wrapped up in themselves.
Because if you're not doing something they want then you're a failure and
you're causing everyone problems. If you mess up once,
they'll never let you live it down. They yell and scream and tell you
"You're just a worthless piece of **** who can't do anything right!!"
You're parents ground you, take away everything. You feel trapped.
Like a prisoner. All you long for is to get away.
Start over.
Find someone who understands, you don't have to be perfect. Find
someone who loves you, even when you mess up. You never wanted to hurt anyone,
you're just breaking under the pressure and stress. It's bringing out the worst in you and you hate that.
You hate that you can no longer plaster a smile on your face.
You hate that you don't have the patience for anyone anymore.
You hate that you're turning into a *****
You wish things could go back to being simple. All the people you go to for comfort,
are only there for their own personal intentions. All the guys you talk to just try to hook up with you.
They can't see the girl inside that's dying. The girls you go to just use your problems as things to bring you down.
They spread rumors around about you, that aren't true. You lose any friends you thought you had.
You are slowly becoming frightfully alone. You don't know what's happening
but you just want it to stop. You want to stop all the hurt and pain.
You cry every night. Tears never ending.
Your face worn from the constant wiping of tears. You start to care less about how you look.
Care less about your grades. About your, so called, "friendships".
You care less about the role model you're supposed to be.
Your health gets worse, your body protesting
to the level of stress you're dealing with. You're in and out of doctors and hospitals,
no one knowing the cause. But you know. You've always known.
Its because people can't look past your flaws. That's all you are to the people around you,
a failure and a mistake. No one ever warns you
about how life and be so cruel. They tell you to
be yourself but people look down on you for doing so.
Never have you done anything to deserve this.
You only want the best for the people around you, and in turn they take your hospitality for granted.
They brush you aside. You don't let your pain show.
Why would you? They'd only use that against you too.
You slip into a depression. You know it's not going away any time soon. Because people won't stop. They aren't going to take it easy on you
cause "Life's not fair. So **** it up and deal!"
So you sit and cry when no ones watching.
You began to believe the things that were said about you.
*"Worthless."
"Good for nothing."
"Ugly."
"Anorexic-looking."
"Disgusting."*
And no one ever really tried to prove you wrong...
You've never known pain this intense.
You never wanted to know it but you had no choice
You had two good friends that saw everything and
were trying to help you but they were too late.
The pain was too deep for anyone to help now.
Jan 10, 2015
Jan 10, 2015 at 10:28 PM UTC
I really hope you have trouble
keeping your mind focused on her, when you're taking her to our spot.
You never were one to show your darkness.
I never understood why.
I showed you everything about myself,
and you swore it wouldn't make you
love me any less.
Yet you still ended up walking away.
I really do hope you're happy someday
but I also hope that you miss me.
Fiercely.
Even when you're at your happiest,
you feel that pang of remorse.
Because then for once you would be
being honest with everyone
and you'd admit that
you have weakness.
I'm your weakness.
Jan 8, 2015
Jan 8, 2015 at 3:21 PM UTC
I think the reason I love Autumn so much is that it's a time of change. The weather gets a little colder and the days get a little shorter. The scarves come out and so do the late nights with a cup if tea and a good book. And even though some curl up with their lover in front of the fire, I think this Autumn will be good for me.
Last Autumn things heated up between us then froze by the time the flowers thawed outside. No, some crisp air will do me some good. Time away from you, to clear my head like the trees who clear their leaves. This Autumn is for new beginnings and unknown discoveries.
I'm gonna be just fine.
Remember you walked away; and in turn your world won't be the same. Neither will mine and I'm okay with that. I'm not tiring to you as my air source anymore. I have the trees for that. I'm my turning to you to find security and serenity anymore. I have the fallen leaves for that.
Goodbye to you. Hello to my Autumn days.
Jan 7, 2015
Jan 7, 2015 at 3:29 PM UTC