If I could sob onto the paper (or the screen)
And it could let out even a piece of what I'm feeling
I would do it
How have I been writing these poems for 4 years?
How have I been struggling for so long?
Why am I not better?
Just last night
It was on the tip of my tongue
I want to die
I cant quite explain the feeling
But it's like my mind is on a tether
My strange little brain is a balloon on a string
And when the panic attacks come
I'm being filled too full with helium
Ready to pop and explode inside my skull
Or perhaps
Ready to just float away
Gone forever
Never to return
It's that feeling that scares me the most
Knowing that there is only a tiny little bit needed
To push me to that pop!
To cut away my string
So I can explode and create carnage inside this constricting skull of mine
Or so I can float away, away, away, away
Would everyone ask where I went?
"She went to the loony bin"
Is what the answer feels like
You feel it too
Last night
You asked if I should call a hotline
You've never said that before
In that moment, I could almost see it
See the snap
See me chained to a bed, an iv in one arm
Sedated sedated sedated at last
Floating on those puffy grey clouds
Maybe then everything could stop feeling so sickly neon green and tangerine yellow
Nasty colors making up a mind filled with sicky sickness
I'm sick
But not from allergies
I'm very ill
But it's not food poisoning
I can't come to work today
Because I'll be busy rocking myself in a corner
I need someone to take my temperature
If only I could stop my hands from shaking, from hitting
I'm worried it might be contagious
I can't imagine how anyone could put up with this
How do you explain that feeling of your brain wanting to climb out of your head?
How do you stop it when it finally decides to do it?
What will happen to me if I let myself snap?
If I let myself float away?
Can I last another 22 years like this?
May 16, 2018
May 16, 2018 at 7:43 PM UTC
I don't know what to call this
I don't know where I've gone
All I know is the waves are getting higher
And they never come back down
I'm adrift amongst purposeful ships
Clear for everyone to see
The solitary, turbulent vessel
Struggling to stay afloat,
to find my bearings in the open sea
I've forgotten where I came from
A bustling port of distant memory
Though even if I could recall it
Bring back those warm, sweet memories,
I would not be able to bring myself home to face it
Alone, ragged, battered from the high seas.
I'm far too ashamed of my failure,
of my grand aspirations which have abandoned me
I've little to show for my efforts
I've little to offer to those who believed in me
So I carry on, alone out on the open water
Adrift and unsure,
Trying to find my next harbor
Made all the more difficult,
as my gifts have started to fail me
I don't know which way my compass points
Which way is true north? How do I sail south?
My anchor is starting to rust and decay,
My sails have grown heavy with salt water
I've lost ropes, barrels, and panels to the ocean
Been plundered by philandering pirates,
(been beaten, cut, and abandoned by them too)
And of course at this point my navigation's shot-
My wheel no longer spins,
My star chart is damage beyond repair
I'm left floating
Between waves
On waters smooth as glass
On waters made to shatter
My ship, my self, in waiting
Waiting
For the next wave to crash
For the next tide to carry me
For a current to pull me
For the stars to reappear
For something to take me home
Or better yet
For something to take me where I've never been
May 16, 2018
May 16, 2018 at 7:18 PM UTC
I once read
That if you think of yourself as a plant,
It might be easier to love one's self.
We are sprouting, growing, changing,
And require delicate care.
We need lots of water
And to feel sunlight daily.
We may need a trim sometimes.
Think of yourself as a plant
In the way that on some days,
You are blossoming.
And on other days
You may be wilting.
But when have you ever heard a person say
That one flower is more beautiful than another?
Plants just are.
To stay healthy,
Every now and again parts of ourselves
Need to fall off.
They will grow back eventually.
But we need to keep ourselves rooted, grounded.
Be ever mindful of the health of your soil.
Remember that plants are strong and unstoppable.
When cut down they always grow right back up.
Everyone needs a new start sometimes.
Stand tall in your body and breathe.
Take care of yourself.
You deserve it.
You make the whole world more beautiful,
Just by being you.
Nov 2, 2014
Nov 2, 2014 at 3:24 PM UTC
Now you're just a constant reminder of why I don't trust people
May 21, 2014
May 21, 2014 at 7:58 PM UTC
I don't want to write poetry about you
I don't want to remember
I'm scared to forget
I hate that you were my first
I hate that it didn't last
I can't stop thinking about you with someone else
I wonder who she is
I wonder if you miss me too
I wonder if you meant anything you said
I thought you were different
I had so much hope for you
I don't know how it ended up like this
I don't know how I'm going to get over this
May 21, 2014
May 21, 2014 at 7:56 PM UTC
Moments I felt like I was falling for you
1. When you made sure to get my phone number
2. When you picked me up and kissed me goodbye
3. When you held me all night and kept me up with your whispers
4. When you asked me what my friends called me
5. When you asked for my middle name
6. When I felt you breathing in at my neck and you whispered that I smelled good
7. When you talked about how much you love fantasy and science fiction
8. When you told me you love to read
9. When you placed little kisses on my cheek as I was falling asleep
10. When you told me you never smile in photos, but you smiled just for me
11. When you walked me to my car, pushed me up against it, kissed me hard
12. When we said it would be just the two of us
13. When you teased me about how much I love Iron Man
14. When you put your arm around me, in front of everyone
15. When you flexed, because you knew I liked it
16. When you asked me "Are you sure?"
17. When I said "Yes"
18. When your friend called me your "girl"
19. When you sang along to Frozen
20. When we fell asleep that night
Now all I have left are moments
And regrets
No you
No more freckles and lips bitten and makeup on my neck
No more first times
No more empty promises or lies or sweet nothings
That's all you were
A sickly sweet nothing
And I to you?
I was nothing
May 21, 2014
May 21, 2014 at 7:39 PM UTC
1. Stop trying to remember his scent, he smelled like summer and reminds you of the time he made you laugh so hard, you snorted out milk on that dead, hazy day.
2. Don't waste your day trying to decipher what colour his eyes were, it'll only remind you of the galaxies and constellations that you once saw in his eyes
3. Stop trying to retrace the shape of his mouth in the middle of the night, you'll choke on your tongue trying to taste the mint he devoured seconds before pulling you in for a kiss
4. Stop reliving the times you clasped hands together, the glass plate will fall off your trembling hands.
5. Burn this list, admit that the galaxies and constellations shining in his eyes were wilted, the one in yours are bursting with fire. Remember on the dead, hazy day his laugh sounded like nails running down a chalkboard. Remember when you kissed, the weeds growing from his mouth entangled the roses blooming in yours.
Realize that one day, another boy is going to come and plant daisies where he left behind thorns.
Apr 29, 2014
Apr 29, 2014 at 1:19 PM UTC
I'm writing this
To remember that night
I'm writing this
Because I don't want to forget
The way your face lit up
The way you smiled
The way you fell asleep
How confident I felt
Yet how unsure
But more importantly
Is what came before
You arm around me
Your head on my shoulder
Your knee touching mine
Feeling wanted
By you
Feeling wanted
Oh, how I do...
Apr 29, 2014
Apr 29, 2014 at 1:19 AM UTC
The worst of all enemies is in my head
She does not wear a mask or look like a monster
In fact, she is beautiful
Far more beautiful than I am, as she constantly reminds me
She is smarter, sexier, funnier, calmer, more confident than I am
As she constantly reminds me
She knows what everyone else really thinks of me
She knows what they say when I'm not there to hear it
And she's always there to remind me of the silly things I might've said
She doesn't have to hide behind baggy sweatshirts
No, she wears whatever she wants, and always looks beautiful
She doesn't smile very much, but that's because she hates me
"Like everyone else does" she likes to remind me
It's hard to silence her
She especially likes to visit me when I'm alone
Likes to scream at me when I'm curled in bed
Her words as dark as the night around me
She likes to keep me up a lot
When I could be sleeping, dreaming, she reminds me of all the wrong I've done today
How I could've been so much better
But of course, how I never will be
It doesn't matter how late we stay up, she can keep going for hours
But sometimes I've noticed that she doesn't visit me the morning after
When I fall asleep in class, she's nowhere to be found
Which is good, because that's been happening a lot lately
The only way to keep her at bay
Well, not the only way
Me and this other girl in my head, we've found some ways
But the other me, she's young
Not as smart or cool or experienced as she is
That's okay
I like her a lot more
She's quiet, but she pipes up now and again
She usually has nice things to say
Or nothing at all
Which is probably why she doesn't speak up too much
"Not too many nice things with you, are there?" she'd remind me
But the little girl
She hangs out when I'm tired
Reminds me of when I was little
How I could get lost in a book
I've started reading again
She doesn't like that
"Only losers sit inside and read books. But I guess you don't have friends anyway"
Well, that's okay
The little girl reminds me how the sky looks at night
And we go running together
Slow at first, then faster
Then we venture out in the day
She's happy for me
She's not
But the little girl is helping me
She's a little louder now, a little bolder
She argues with her
Sometimes they fight so loud I can hardly stand it
And I stand dazed, eyes glazed, until one of them wins
Lately, she's been losing
Tonight she won a battle
But we're going to win the war
Apr 16, 2014
Apr 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM UTC
I just become a mess when other people are involved
What is it about this combination of cells that destroys me so thoroughly?
It's the same as my own
We aren't so different, these other humans and myself
Yet I fear them all so thoroughly
They all have the power to make or break me
And I mean break me
Leave me a crumbled mess for months, years
Leave me questioning every thought, word, action I spill forth into the world, wondering when will I next be judged?!
They all leave me with something
And I worry it's getting worse, as I meet more and more of these humans
They're so cruel
They peer at me with their cold, dark, eyes and their harsh voices fill my ears long after they've left
The words of things they've possibly thought and never said linger in my mind
The true meaning behind their sentences haunt my conscious
I am at the mercy of their words
At the mercy of such pitiful, cruel, creatures
Creatures who laugh and joke and play with one another,
Before snarling at others behind their back
Oh yes, people can be cruel they say
I know all about that
Apr 16, 2014
Apr 16, 2014 at 2:25 AM UTC