dee-thomas
Everything I write about is a true experience from my life. Every word written with true and raw emotion. I love my life truly and completely, I am more different than anyone I know and it makes life a struggle but it makes me see how blessed I am to have made it from where I came from. They say you can't know love without pain - Then I truly know love. You can't know what you have until you have felt loss - I have a true appreciation for what I have. I have encountered the worst of men and the best of men and I am all the stronger for it. please leave your pity behind you. I just want to give hope to those who have and are enduring great tragedy and in that the face of triumph has a voice!!! I have a great passion for life and if you look close enough you will see honesty and compassion and empathy as well as love and joy and reflection. Thank you for taking time to share my world with me. Your comments and thoughts are welcomed. All work is officially copywrite material © 2009 DeeDee
Vengeance is for God to have, But today I lay religion down to rest
The demon in my mind has been relentless, whispering at my behest
He has been in his cage far too long, he is unyieldingly repressed
I not only want to free him, I want to put his imagination to the test
My mind's eye dark and searching, the corners of my sinister mind
I have now become your worst fear and mine devils intertwined
My mental and emotional state, has made the inhumanity refined
I hate how you made me long for your pain, I am now your kind
Your flesh is but a canvas and your screams will be to no avail
You’re now mine, your soul will beg for mercy on the grandest scale
I will assault your every sense, leaving no minute detail
Until your body is lying lifeless, pointless, broken and frail
I will take my time to revive you, bringing you back to my device
There will be no amount of pain I inflict, that my heart will suffice
Before I am done with your miserable existence, infliction so precise
I will nourish every animalistic desire,until we felt you paid the price
You have uprooted in my heart an evil, that cannot be undone
The angel of death is upon you waiting, your suffering just begun
There is a special place in hell for you and I want you to see it
And if I burn with you for my revenge, then I say so be it
Taking your pride, shoving it down your throat with my baron hands
all that I can taste right now, what the voice in my head demands
For you there is no more wasted life, your breath will let you endure
And there is no second thought behind my vengeance, my hate is pure
With deeds now done and lifeless you lay
At my feet, which death did not show haste
A smile without tears did appease my lust
For your soul and blood that I did taste
Jan 20, 2011
Jan 20, 2011 at 6:45 AM UTC
The streets of the city held no peace this night
The alleys held the smell of execution
The lingering taste of gun powder filled the air
And a bullet’s mark which held no retribution
There is a somber atmosphere where
Death and life hold a cold thickend embrace
A twisted love affair of tainted blood
Held an angel fallen from silenced grace
I saw her little feet looking so blue and cold
From behind the trash just beyond the bin
What a frightening sound within this quiet night
From the state of shock my heart was in
She was only eight years old with many dreams
Living on what her drug filled mom provided
This ghetto, project housing filled with pain
A spiritual war contains heaven and hell collided
She had been missing for only a few short hours
Not that her mom would have known or seen
She was high on the feeling that pipe would give
Empty hunger bought a life she didn't mean
The man drug her to that alley ***** and killed her
Where the city goes to die but never sleeps
Now lays silent an innocent angel of lost humanity
That her deadly silence now and forever keeps
I will never forget her little feet so vacant and bare
I wanted to cover her, wondering if she was cold
I wondered if her mother knew that day
It was her daughter’s precious life she sold
I can’t fathom the mind of a person hurting a child
These memories I carry have no consolation
A man with a demon on his back together, working
In their grizzly thoughts of premeditation
I was only a passerby of the alley that chilled night
I never knew her name, I never saw her face
I only saw her wings upon the building
As she left this cold and heartless place
Jan 19, 2011
Jan 19, 2011 at 6:03 PM UTC
I t seems it was my fate to be
Introduced to this addiction
Born by way of bloods descent
Mixed with generations past affliction
I have watched them sink so lowly
Into the depths of selfish little cracks
Like burdens of un-human kind
Carried on their children’s backs
Feeding on the scraps in life
Of those who struggle to survive
They care not for a child’s grief
When their addiction comes alive
It passed me by with sorrowed grins
Longing and obsessed by what it craved
I watch in mourning as your gift
Of any tomorrow was enslaved
You took the food from our mouths
To dine in the belly of the beast
On our tears and misery you fed
Addiction boasted of its feast
All of you just wasted away
Right before our haunted eyes
The depravity of selfish want
No longer wanted its disguise
I left your addiction to starve
Within its bowels I did divest
IT chokes within my bitter heart
While YOUR life he can digest
I am sickened by the display of false fault of the perverse
I won’t fall prey to your depravity or this ****** up family curse
I know it’s lurking round every corner waiting for me to descend
It's the shadow hounding at my feet and the cycle without end
There’s a needle in my hand
And a bottle of gin on the table
I would smoke this entire bag of ****
If my lungs were able
There are lines drawn out across my mirror
begging for my endless attention
There are hundreds of little jagged pills
That laugh at your impending intervention
There is heaven here
In this ecstasy and elation
Making love to all these drugs
Through oral copulation
It’s not any one of these drugs
That gives way to my endless contradiction
I have found that escaping my pain
Is my only true addiction
Jan 19, 2011
Jan 19, 2011 at 6:01 PM UTC
How vast and deep the oceans of my heart,
My story holds great storms in winds of revelation
And yet you still love me with open arms
A generous smile and very little hesitation
I would give my very soul if I could
Only learn to love the way you do
I would give in gently to your demands of truth
If you could stop trying to fight your way through
Into to the depths of ocean floors
The sleeping blackness that hides leviathan eyes
Holds monsters unknown of great despair
That the stormy waters can only disguise
A beautifully deadly creature
Moves with grace and ease
Holding to you with venomous words
That your open arms could never appease
I would use the clouds like devious cover
Moving in and out of your mind as a stealth
I would use the salty air that rusts my steely emotions
To ravage your emotional and mental health
This life has been a graveyard of great sunken vessels and ships
This is the place where they go to die beneath waters that eclipse
The stench of death carries to the predators of the waves
The darkness with its blackened eyes retrieves the souls it craves
Far beneath the waters brink of madness
I look up to the shimmering light that dances
If I could only breathe right now Like I do in your arms
I would let my love surface and take my chances
The emotions run deep in treacherous waters
Who can control the flowing tides?
If I used your affection to calm the imminent storms
Would you forgive me for the hate that it hides?
I built this ocean with tears of my past
And before I knew it, everything around me was sinking
I know you’re going to tell me you want me forever
And I know everything you don’t say, that you are thinking
I wish that I could love as openly as your arms are wide
I just don’t have what your heart and soul would require
I am destined to sail this ocean on the winds and waves
I can’t live within the boundaries of your heart’s desire
I was born with a taste for freedom and salty kisses on my lips
Your kisses as sweet as your arms are open, deserving much more
But my heart is as desolated and empty as this ghostly ship
That accidently washed up on your shore
Jan 19, 2011
Jan 19, 2011 at 6:00 PM UTC
Shadows creep across the room
And slip quietly into my dreams
This is a world of pain and lies
Where nothing is what it seems
Your cold touch burns my skin
I retreat into the safety of my mind
A wall of blackened nothingness
For my reality to hide behind
I am alone in the dark with my thoughts
But finding security eludes me
I am trying to escape the pain
As a defense that secludes me
Here in the veil of darkness
I don’t have to hide my shame
I am forced to carry your burden
When I am not the one to blame
In your heart the demon lives
And spreads through me like disease
All you know is twisted and sick
And your desire is never pleased
This sickness you have given me
I can’t yet find a way to control
I can only close my heart and retreat
From the light that your hands stole
In my heart of darkness and lies
Is where your secret forever sleeps
With all of the painful memories
The unforgotten blackness keeps
I am grown but still a child, locked away
By your tormented life’s design
Stolen innocence replaced with hate
Your burdens now becoming mine
I once trusted in my protectors
And in the light that stole my eyes
So I wouldn’t have to see the desolation
That only distressed shadow can disguise
Your voice is like the crow of death
But you can’t reach me in this place
No matter how dark my dreams become
I can’t escape, the look set on your face
You were sent to try and break me
By distorting intended loves affection
I won’t let you penetrate my safety
In this place becoming loves rejection
I so desperately tried to hide from you
While laughter below abundantly creeps
The smell of cherry cigars and cheap cologne
Is the smell of death that my heart keeps
The space was never large enough to hide me
It gave way to light never covering my remains
The sound of tears betray me once again
And defeat from you is what my hiding gains
You were so big and strong that my little hands
Were no match for the coming fight
So I retreated into the heart of darkness
And pray for your remorse in mornings light
What gain in such incredible defeat
In the torture of a tiny human soul?
What pleasure in the painful bliss?
Of complete physical and mental control
What unimaginable depths of darkness
In your mind could find its way to me?
What demons control your every move
While my protecting light is has to flee?
I try to make the words come out
But there’s no one to hear my screams
Locked away in the heart of darkness….
Shadows slip quietly into my dreams
Jan 19, 2011
Jan 19, 2011 at 5:44 PM UTC
Capital gains where no love remains
Welcome to the street
Innocence withstanding life’s pains
Life seeks out defeat
Old souls born to young men to carry
The weight of hate
Lifeless bodies amassed in crack houses
Death won’t wait
A state of emergency is a nightly feat
Selling your soul to shine
Smiles mask the cycle of dysfunction
Trying to hold what’s mine
Hold the truth; hold a lie, anything at all
Faith is all I contain
Steal our hearts but not our minds light
All that can remain
Wailing sirens mimic the angel’s tears
Crying into the night
A gun’s cold embrace lacks regret once more
No bullet can you fight
Babies aware of darkness before their time
Hopelessness abound
Needle tracks and broken glass pipes
Blindness is found
In love with a the stench of it all, I stay
Can’t leave just yet
I want to pour out my soul and spread light
Held to my regret
Jan 19, 2011
Jan 19, 2011 at 4:50 PM UTC
The city streets call me by my name and I feel myself transforming
The summers sweat and beasts regret, I taste my blood is warming
Ghost of past and wicked outcasts, like locusts they come swarming
Shrieking winds rest, in clouds possessed keep winters tears from balling
These city streets know my name, I show no shame and I can hear them calling
The wolf is preying, sneaky shadows conveying from depths of the city’s bowels
The angels fleeing, to avoid seeing the stench of wolf’s breath as he growls
Beneath your skin he slithers, the sun it slowly withers, closer now he howls
Virus catches the lowly, disease creeps so slowly across the urban sprawling
These city streets know me by my name, I like this game, I can hear them calling
Death is on madness brinks, the psychosis it stinks and night is now unveiling
The angel’s morn while bodies torn and I can hear their blaring sirens wailing
Casualty in scales bring sin’s costly sales and the blinded fatality is unfailing
Rumors of sinister presence known, the evil grown into darkness’ eyes entailing
Immortal screams and failed daylight dreams, the devoured come a crawling
The city knows me by name we are one in the same and I can hear her calling
With my control now at bay, I can hear her say; your strength in my grasp is declining
I overlook restless streets, my heart lifts as it beats and in this moment time defining
Pavement becomes crowded ominous thoughts shrouded; captured by the golden lining
Promise of my own demise, lost in heathen’s rise and her blood soaked teeth are shining
She calls to me like a lover’s touch, entwined in lust, so much in love and I am now falling
These city streets know me by name, we are one in the same and I run to her when she comes calling
Jan 19, 2011
Jan 19, 2011 at 3:43 PM UTC
Believe in what I am told or what I see
This war is bitter and I aspire to be free
Free from these shackles and discrimination
Free from selective elimination
We call our children mistakes so we can free ourselves of responsibility
And our babies are dying in the streets while we accept no liability
Governed by aggression it’s said that only the strong survive
But instead of showing strength we only know hostility
Creating a place where these demons thrive
A Child’s innocence is used for selfish gain
So mommy can get high and feel no pain
A child that knows no love has no true perception of reality
And the system has no love our children are lost on technicality
Now your babies will have babies searching for the love that they lack
They should have had love unconditional
But instead they turn to crack
Because their family has made it traditional
There is nothing like the cries of a neglected child
Mommy is too high to provide
Taught too young to hold it all inside
Poison their minds with ***** little secrets they are forced to hide
Teach them to look for nothing and that’s all you will find
Because that is all that’s left inside
Fill their minds with worldly possessions
Take what you can get despite the moral transgression
Take God out of our schools because money is the new respect
Craving only negative attention
Because of the love they now reject
First born to poverty and aware before their time
Unable to provide life’s necessities
They are pushed towards drug sales and crime
Society will blame this transgression on lack of affection
But really they are affected by lack of direction
No money to feed the hungry and poor
Our inspiration is music, TV, drugs, guns and war
Poor because they have been dominated and oppressed
Look away from those in distress
Push us too regress
Give to those who already have by taking from those who have less
The only way to survive is to ****** hustle and deceive
There is a better way of life
But not a better way to make them believe
A better way to teach us to accept this fate is what they crave
A better way to give us the mentality of a slave
Their methods of birth control created to control the minority
We are now the majority
They are scared to death we have become the priority
Our people born of whips and chains and still left unbroken
Fed our children’s sorrows from which we choke
there are still too many truths left unspoken
Jan 19, 2011
Jan 19, 2011 at 3:28 PM UTC
She is standing at the door
of a new home the state provided
From place to place they throw her
wherever budget has decided
Too much, too little, too quiet,
too honest, she talks too loud
Too messy, too mouthy, too unfocused
And her head whithin a cloud
I am sure she looks pretty pitiful
in her hand me down clothes
Trying to look presentable
to every new home she goes
I hope they aren’t mean
and definitely not too nice
I thought my new dad was just friendly
and for that misjudgement I paid a price
Of course no one believes
the mouthy child who always lies
Just making the story sound better
too much pain to disguise
She is just a little girl lost
and her lies scream out for attention
Forget the bruises and lack of food
that she forgot to mention
No one really wants to know
what I saw or what my daddy does
No one wants to hear about mommy's drugs
what she was doing or where I was
Like little slaves to the strangers
with rules sitting high and looking low
It’s not like we can go complain
there’s nowhere else for us to go
New schools and no friends
walk the halls, eyes to the floor
In a few weeks it starts again
friends don’t matter anymore
They point and whisper with cruel intent
because someone heard your tale
Of the kid that no one wanted,
which is pitifully dressed and frail
Children can be so cruelly misinformed
at times such as this
But I am just a nameless face
that no one will even miss
I stopped unpacking my suit case
so many months ago
No matter how the time goes by
my belongings never grow
A few outfits, a few pictures
and a book to write a thought
A few mementos from home
and a unicorn that my mom bought
Anything more is just a waste of time
and not worth all the fight
Of remembering what you leave behind
when they take you in the night
No one wants to face the tears
of the child you’re throwing away
Maybe it was harder to look
at their mirrors in the light of day
70 homes in 5 long years some with love
and some without a word
Some were nice and some paid a price
for the little girl left unheard
I spent my life with the sorrowed looks
of those who knew my world
And many times I heard the phrase
such a lost and lonely little girl
My mother filled her world with drugs and men
I paid the highest cost
In the end I gained my heart and soul
then found everything she lost
I grew up, took my head from the clouds
and put my feet on the ground
Went searching for the little girl I lost
and love the woman that I found
Jan 19, 2011
Jan 19, 2011 at 3:21 PM UTC
I resolve myself to the hazy visions
That my mind won’t let me recollect
The idea that I have suffered through
This violation, my mind wants to reject
The expanse of darkness is deep
As my emotions of pain are wide
I fear my conscious would resign
If this heinous act I did not hide
I push it to the forgotten depths
Where the evil in me, now sleeps
I am determined to chain it there
Cleaving to the defiant beast it keeps
I wish to purge this pestilence in me
That secretly grows strong in my mind
I am forever probing for the stillness
Of emotional health I cannot find
Like a thief this monster steals me
Drags me lifeless into the night
Leaves me comatose with fear
I am powerless and without flight
I can only retreat into the blackness
Escaping the fate of my despair
I am drowning in my own anxiety
My reality is now far beyond repair
The disfigurement of my past hidden
By the mask of a smile left engraved
My road to hell filled with good intent
With my blood & tears it’s been paved
My waking hours are filled with space
Denying me the comfort of disregard
And into the night as the sun creeps
My soul is now and forever scarred
Jan 19, 2011
Jan 19, 2011 at 3:19 PM UTC