I'm a stupid girl. I hate it. I hate my brain and my heart and they love ******* with me at this hour. Im good at pretending, my poker face is a masterpiece. You probably dont know the extent of my feelings and it boggles my mind because these emotions are so intense that I can physically feel the energy overflowing when I'm around you. Every time you look into my eyes I swear you can see it, maybe you're just a boy and you don't pick it up, or maybe I'm right and you're so intuitive that you know but you just don't reciprocate. Or you don't want to ruin the relationship we've built because you've gone through enough heartache and you don't want to feel that way again. I just want to love you but the ****** up thing is that i want you to be happy even more. I've never felt this and it ******* scares me, am I capable of loving you from afar? I don't know how long I can keep this up. Your best friend told me that you're getting over your feelings for your last girl, he said you want to take a year long break from non platonic relationships. Am I enough for you? Can I get you to open up to me? To love me? Am I being selfish? **** I should go to sleep.
Jul 24, 2018
Jul 24, 2018 at 4:37 AM UTC
when I see myself in the mirror
am I seeing myself?
existential dread fills my brain
to the brim.
It's overwhelming.
I am going to die.
It will never get better.
What did I do to deserve this?
I didn't ask for this,
never asked to be born
into a world full
of questions and distractions.
Why am I here?
How am I here?
Why does everything seem so
important
when nothing is?
Why do the ideas of
art and love and life
appeal so many
when we all come to the same tragic
end?
Nov 26, 2017
Nov 26, 2017 at 8:02 AM UTC
so much time has passed but somehow
I still feel like the immature, ignorant
girl that I was three years ago.
I love you just as much, maybe more
than I did all those years ago. Your
voice still makes my skin tingle,
though now it is something
completely different. Time and
intimacy have changed me for the
worse. Your hands danced across my
skin before, we were children then.
I never knew the full effect of it all,
never quite knew the terrible depth
of the consequences that followed
when you press skin against skin.
Body against body. I thought I knew
the extent of it all, but we were just
children then. How could I have
known that things can change so
intensely? It hurts, oh God it hurts.
Do you feel the same?
Nov 26, 2017
Nov 26, 2017 at 7:54 AM UTC
it's nights like these when i think of you.
nights where i'm drunk off my *** and my mind is racing.
nights where i can't stop thinking of the way your mouth moves when you speak.
or how you throw your head back when you laugh.
i can't stop thinking about how you cross your legs when you're talking to a group of people, and how i think it's cute because i know it makes you feel educated.
i cannot get myself to stop thinking about how your hair gets messy when you don't check it for a while, and it's adorable because you're perfect to me no matter what.
i wish i could stop ******* thinking about the way i love you, and how i wish so **** much that you would love me back.
it's nights like these where i wish you were mine, because you're everything to me.
Sep 2, 2015
Sep 2, 2015 at 11:21 PM UTC
**Why do I always
Write in this state
of mind? All I
can think about is
your breathing and the
way you smell. I'm
in this **** attic
alone, my eyes are
wet and my hands
are shaking. I want
nothing more than for
you to be here
holding me. I want
to be in your
arms so ******* badly
but you're at home
sound asleep and I'm
here with a bottle
of liquor and a
sour taste on my
tongue that I can't
place. I know this is
your fault.Your eyes,
your lips, your fingers,
brushing, whispering.
Why are you not
here with me? Why
are you not touching
my skin, or kissing
the tips of my
fingers? Why am I
alone in this *******
attic with this unrecognizable
sour taste in my
mouth?**
Sep 2, 2015
Sep 2, 2015 at 11:14 PM UTC
*I told you I was
leaving and you asked me
why. Do you actually want
to know? Are you asking
me because you will miss
me? Are you asking me
because you are sad? Do
you care about me? I
want to tell you that
I will be back. I
want to tell you that,
if you are sad, you
don't have to be. I
would never leave forever. I
could never handle being away
from you. Should I tell
you that? Or should I
drag on this facade and
see how you truly feel.
You asked me why I
was leaving, and I still
haven't answered. Why am I
leaving? Do you love me?
Oh God, I hope so,
because I love you more
than anything.*
Sep 2, 2015
Sep 2, 2015 at 11:03 PM UTC
I can't help but think that when you're
with her, you're not thinking of me. You
say you miss her and my chest tightens.
When you say her name, my heart
stops and sinks a little because I
wonder if you tell her about me. I
wonder if you've told her about the
time you came over to my house at 2
am with that bottle of ***** or about
how we talked for hours about your
family and how you hate God. Or
how about the time we went to that show
together and everyone was sweating
and jumping and how you searched for
me through the crowd? I wonder if you've
told her about how our bodies were
pressed tight against each other, or
how you were whispering the lyrics into
my ear like there was no one else there.
I always wonder these things, but I
figure you probably
don't.
Sep 2, 2015
Sep 2, 2015 at 10:53 PM UTC
This room smells like sadness and stale
cigarettes
and the air is thick and humid and this
Xanax
in my system is slowing my
brain
down so that the letters of your name are
replayed
over and over again in my
mind.
Someone asked me what my poems were
about
and I respond blankly with the word
"nothing"
because that's all I feel when I think of the
fact
that you don't love me. Why don't you love
me?
Why are these pills the only thing that can make me feel
anything?
Sep 2, 2015
Sep 2, 2015 at 10:45 PM UTC
You're stuck in every corner
of my mind. Even here,
in this car in the
middle of the day, you
sink into every crevice and
corner of my thoughts. What
do you want from me?
Why are you doing this
to me? Why do you
want me to suffer so
drastically at the mere thought
of you? All I want
is to be happy but
I can't because your face
haunts my brain and I
smoke cigarette after cigarette trying
to fill my head with
anything but you but
it doesn't help. Please just
leave me be. I wish
you never existed.
Sep 2, 2015
Sep 2, 2015 at 10:41 PM UTC
Every time I begin to think I am getting
over you, I am proven wrong. If I go a
day without speaking to you, I can point
out your flaws. When you're high you
talk too much. When you're drunk you
get angry. You sometimes don't show
empathy for other people's emotions.
Your hands aren't fragile. You don't like
the smell of incense. You argue with
me over things that are not important.
But when I'm with you, your excessive
talking is cute and interesting. When
you're angry, I get excited. Your lack of
emotion towards other people doesn't
bother me because at times i can
understand it. Your hands are rough
and hard on my skin and I like the
sensation. I don't light incense around
you because I much more prefer the
flicker of candle light across your face.
And when you argue with me, I can't
help but feel love. All I feel for you is
love, and I ******* hate it.
Sep 2, 2015
Sep 2, 2015 at 10:36 PM UTC