It might have been simplest to end it before it began but we are well past that point.
And we could have gotten out before anyone gets hurt but that prospect is at best unlikely.
Perhaps we can still get out of this alive...
You could argue it was a mistake to meet your parents...
It would have been simpler to not fall in love...
But here we are...
We might as well hold on...
Sep 12, 2014
Sep 12, 2014 at 1:38 AM UTC
There's a lot of thought that goes into three simple words.
You learn them when you are young but the gravity of using them correctly haunts you into adulthood.
In english these are words that you would use to describe a parent or a tree and the meaning doesn't really change but the weight these words hold are different now than they were when you meant then towards a relative or an inanimate object.
you love her... and the scary thing is this idea that she might love you too. and that scares the hell out of you because you have thought you have loved in the past but those other loves have all proven how shallow they truly were and yet you choose to use those same words again to express these new feelings.
Feelings so profound that you swear that this time this is the real deal that you have never felt to intensely about anything before and you think that you never will feel anything so intense ever again. but somewhere there is just enough room for doubt.
maybe you have flelt this before in a more pure and potent form but you take a leap of faith in hopes that while it may not be today but one day you'll know that this is the genuine article...
But yeah maybe it's not... and that scares you but a holy man once told you that without faith love cannot be known and so you believe as hard as you can that this is love... the same love that drove romeo and juliet to their untimely demises and broke kingdoms long before their times...
You don't want this to be a lie... you want to love her with all of your heart... and yeah it'll be hard to do that... but you can do it... keep trying...
Mar 18, 2014
Mar 18, 2014 at 4:01 AM UTC
ya know, despite everything I think we are doing okay now. Nevertheless we had a rough couple of years... well I know I did.
you know, we were just so ****** young back then and it made all the sense in the world that we would just break up and go our separate ways because the alternative would have been difficult. I remembered you disagreed with me. But my actions were super logical and they made sense I needed to make something out of myself... and you were unable to come with me due to our respective circumstances.
Can you imagine that I had the nerve to think I was being the noble one for leaving. For letting you have your life while I go off and try and get mine in order. I suppose if you met someone and were happy then I suppose that was accomplished... I really hope that is the case... But in truth i was not being noble. I was being this guy that I to some extent still am, the guy that gave up on the person that hands down made me happier than I have ever been before or since...because... I didn't believe that I deserved happiness... not like that...
I am definitely getting my stuff together finally, I'm about to graduate pretty soon with my degree in psychology and hopefully that leads to further degrees and a good job with some benefits and a house and a life that brings me and many others around me happiness...
But even still I know on some level that the driving factor behind everything I do is to prove to myself that I can become a man that deserves you...
So in some bittersweet way I write this to say... Thank You...you made me everything I am today
Sep 14, 2013
Sep 14, 2013 at 3:16 AM UTC
I guess it would be easier to go through life with zero regrets but some things are worth regretting. We sincerely try our best to keep from making the same mistake over and over again... but our mistakes never really leave us do they?
I guess that would be just too easy if we could just move on. perhaps then I wouldn't dwell on the past mistakes that mean more to me than they mean to anyone else. Maybe I would return to feet and stop begging forgiveness from a person that has since forgotten my name and everything my name once meant. It's starting to make sense that I never needed her forgiveness I just needed to forgive myself.
Perhaps I can let go of the resentment I held for the only one that I let get close enough to matter and in return she became the only one I would let hurt me. I think holding this guard up against anyone who tries to get close just leaves me alone at the end of the day.
I suppose it's a tad late to fix a lot of things that I myself have broken... such is life. but I guess I'm getting to a point in which trying to be a better person isn't terrifying... not saying I am ready to become that better person... but I think I'm getting there...
Apr 4, 2013
Apr 4, 2013 at 2:32 AM UTC
A song I liked a long time ago was talking about how no one believes in cupid but the easter bunny and santa claus are totally legit and i think it's true because in the face of all of these other abstract concepts love is i think the one we doubt more than any other...
many people asked me over many years what i look for in a woman... and it took a very long time but i figured it out... and i don't have a list of traits but i have developed a mental image of what she would be like...and i knew i had it figured out because i fell head over heels for this girl that is in my mind... i wake up and she is who i think about constantly... people tell me you don't control who you fall in love with... but all i was asking is that she be real...
there aren't any super human traits about her she just has her own thing she is self aware to the extent that she sees her own flaws and tries to become a better person despite those flaws... never once covering them up but wearing them proudly as a symbol of the life she has led... and i fell in love with her pride... because any conceited mouth breather can show pride in their successes but only she breathes a new life into her failures and makes them shine brighter than any light, natural or otherwise... she is very much human... and she don't even have to have a big ***** just something nice and well proportioned to her body...
i don't know... if i met her...i think that would be it for me... no second questions about it... there'd be no fight i could put up against the fact that i would fall irrevocably in love with her...
Mar 9, 2013
Mar 9, 2013 at 1:36 PM UTC
It was very kind of you to ask how I am holding up all things considered...
The short answer is that I am okay.
I do not hunger nor do I have thirst... I am warm...and other than the usual aches and discomfort that we all experience I am not in pain...
I have been okay for a very long time it's kind of my way of knowing that I am in that sweet spot of homeostasis I think that's why I ended up leaving because I couldn't remember being anything other than simply okay...
I don't think I want to be okay...
You remember those adventures we used to have together and you'd always have these crazy ideas that you just needed to hash out...
And I was always there...
In part because I wanted to make sure you were okay but I think a much bigger part of me enjoyed those days so much more because while you were out there living life and occasionally getting hurt but loving every minute of it...
And I felt like part of it...
We kind of grew apart...
The adventures stopped...
And I guess we grew up a little somewhere in that time as well...
Became our own people...
And that was necessary...
And the process went okay...
And I turned out okay...
I made new friends and they became happy and I tried to be happy and I started dating again and I thought I had it figured out this time but I was just okay with a smile. and then I was looking at her smile and she was happy because of my smile but I wasn't happy...
I was just okay...
But she was happy as far as I could tell and I wanted to protect her happiness because I wanted her to be happy so I kept smiling... and I felt like a liar every time but the truth seemed so wrong... all that mattered was that she was happy
I wanted nothing more than for her to remain happy...
And then I didn't...
And then I left...
So yeah the short answer is that I'm okay...but that ain't the whole story...
Feb 28, 2013
Feb 28, 2013 at 2:48 AM UTC
I love you...
i wanted to say these words not because i meant them because i am actually not sure what they mean but more because it has been so long since i have said them to anyone...
even now the words sound wrong coming off my lips but i needed to say it none the less because on some level i was sure if i didn't say it now that i would soon forget how to say it at all...
and at the time i know it wasn't true but the will to add truth to these words is very real and honest because i do very much want to love you...
i just hope that it is within my power to actually love you... and mean it...
Feb 20, 2013
Feb 20, 2013 at 3:41 AM UTC
It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way about anything… and I think I’ve needed this for longer than I care to admit. I thought it was fine that I didn’t feel like I do now but I really just don’t want this to end. For the first time since… before I can remember maybe even longer than that I feel like I have something worth devoting my life to and this sense of purpose feels amazing, exhilarating even….
Now I realize 2 things, first and foremost, as I am close to overstating is that this is better than anything I have ever experienced. Second, sadly you don’t feel the same way… and that hurts. But that’s fine I cannot force you to feel the same emotions that I feel. Furthermore this pain I feel from a love unrequited is significant, it burns in my chest in the most beautiful crimson and at times I fear it will take my life… I feel it could, but the fact that it hasn’t shows it’s benevolent nature. Yes this benevolent beautiful burning ******** crimson pain born of these feelings I still hold for you. This is life! It may not be pleasant but I can’t say that there is anything better than this. This complex tapestry of emotions… rage sorrow and regret all raise a hand when the role is called and they are very much present… they are presents and they are ******* up every aspect of my Christmas… it’s beautiful how trashed this holiday season has become and with love I will clean up this disaster… regardless of if you are there to see this projects completion…
Aug 27, 2012
Aug 27, 2012 at 12:35 AM UTC
Lately I have been over taken by a strange urge to high five a sloth. In truth I cannot explain this
at least with any sense of legitimacy.
I just feel like it needs to happen.
When it does it will be like me building a bridge.
Across species?
Maybe a class or phylum?
I have not taken biology so i don't know jack about this hierarchy of life business.
I also feel like sloths can teach us more than we can teach them
Like our lives are so fast paced
like a race and we are struggling to get to a finish line
That doesn't exist...
Sloths are like slow the **** down...
It'll be okay...
You'll get there...
I promise.
I kinda think i need that in my life.
A person...
or a sloth...
to just tell me it'll be alright.
I try and be that for so many other people
But I'm constantly losing my ****
on the inside.
Like most of the time
I'm fine
I can manage life
But that fear of dying
alone
unloved
It's always there
In the back of my mind
That can get the upper hand if my guard is down...
That **** scares me...
It's an irrational fear
I know that I am loved by many
I got buckets of love in this *****
makin the Cosby's blush with all this love.
But still this emptiness persist...
like i am incomplete on some level
Like i have to fix myself
But I know on a conscious level that..
I am enough.
But on some other level
I don't fully believe this...
And I need someone to tell me this...
I need to highfive a sloth...
Jul 27, 2012
Jul 27, 2012 at 10:26 PM UTC
I think I am bad at writing poetry...
unless poems can be a literal retelling of past events...
add a bit more colorful language and some metaphors...
composition books so littered with past events in such painstaking detail
that historians may reference them so learn of our time.
this should probably be a blog...bye
Jul 11, 2012
Jul 11, 2012 at 11:23 PM UTC