Good food that leaves a bad taste in the back of your mouth, even worse, people who leave a bad taste in the back of your mouth. When someone over stays their welcome. When people ask about your problems only so you’ll ask about theirs, forcing you to care for them. Not having the space you deserve. Unsaid thoughts that can be read on faces.
Placing your self-worth and validation outside of yourself, especially in another heartbeat that can wrap its’ first around it and run, forcing you to follow. When a person knows they are going to leave you, but still ask you to stay because they need you for now. Showing someone your scars only to have them lie about their own.
When your boyfriend says he loves you for the first time while intoxicated, not on you, and takes it back when sober. Telling him you love when he wears his glasses, and he still always wears contacts. Helplessly watching the hourglass of us run out. When he leaves you, who he would not even utter the names of his parents or his birthplace, for someone who shares his tongue. Yet, he will not say her name to you in hopes that that makes it okay.
Kissing someone and knowing it is the last time. Begging someone to stay, even though you know you’re better than that. Pity kisses planted on foreheads. Empty promises, like saying they will keep in touch or visit, but you know they are just too weak to accept that this is the last time.
All the ways in which a person can leave you, and they will because if they leave you, you cannot leave them. Time wasted on waiting for someone to come home when the time could have been spent moving. The concept of time. Manipulation. Having to say goodbye. Being asked about the person who left you. Not loving yourself. When someone finally treats you right, and it bores you.
Nov 7, 2016
Nov 7, 2016 at 10:42 PM UTC
You can tell a lot about a person
by the way they leave you
so let me tell you about all
the ways in which he left me.
He left me in my room
he left me on Friday nights
he left me by the lake
he left me in April and again in December
he left me on the sidewalk
he left me in texts
he left me in a different time zone
he left me in thoughts unsaid
he left me for the summer and for his hometown
he left me for her, twice
he left me on the kitchen floor
he left me in ticking clocks and calendar dates
He collected leaving like it lead to a high horse
because if you’re doing the leaving
you can’t be the one that’s left and
it taught me how not to leave people
and not to let people back after they’ve
left because they will do it again.
I lived in waiting for him because it was better
than wondering when or
how he’d leave me again
Is this the last time?
He left me outside
of myself and forced
me to reach in and find
all that's left.
Feb 2, 2016
Feb 2, 2016 at 1:36 AM UTC
You didn’t want to be the one who got away
so you reeled me back in.
You drug my heart all over town and
my feet followed because my mind
was so fixed on the picture of us and
you gave my hands a fix by filling them with hope
until we were on the brink of it only for you to play the hero and say
you’re setting me free when really all you did was leave
because you wanted to come out unharmed and
I had showed you all of my scars but you only lied about yours.
You couldn’t set me free because I was still there
the only difference was I was alone
so I have to let you go because I love myself
way more than I ever could have loved you and
all you do is bring ruin into my life and
I won’t live with bite marks on my tongue
from things I’ve never said or unable to breath
from the weight on my chest so here are the dates ruined with a stain of you:
September 14th 2014: Our first coffee date
January 10th 2015: When you told me you loved me
February 18th 2015: When you too it back
April 4th 2015: When you told me you didn’t know what to do
April 17th 2015: When you broke us
May 8th 2015: When you told me you lied and you needed time and told me to wait for you
May 31st 2015: When I realized you deleted me on Facebook only to
find that it was because your relationship status had changed after you told me to wait
June 14th 2015: When you forced me to the kitchen floor
June 29th 2015: I don’t remember but I’m sure it hurt
August 25th 2015: When you asked me about the moon and said that you missed me and asked if we could start over
October 21st: When you wrapped me in hope with street hugs covered in darkness and told me you’d kiss me if it wasn’t for her
October 23rd: When you pulled away but still stayed
November 4th: When you took me to dinner and finally addressed the elephant in the room
November 15th: When you told me not now but maybe in the future
November 20th: When you planted a pity kiss on my forehead
December 1st: When we went to coffee again
December 5th: When you needed me
December 10th: When you told me you loved me again
December 15th 2015: when you told me you needed to be single to focus on yourself and didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship while abroad and that there wasn’t even a chance for when you get back
January 26th 2016: When I found out you were back with her and had lied to me again and hopefully for the last time.
You littered me with lies and made your mark
on too many calendar dates and my heart breaks
for you but I won’t let it be broken by you anymore
because I’ve heard the best revenge is to forget but I think
it’s even better to remember and not care at all and
after 503 days I remembered how much I love blue eyes,
like coming home to myself, and I’ve finally set myself free.
Jan 28, 2016
Jan 28, 2016 at 11:53 PM UTC
A guide to being 5 feet tall,
100 pounds and taking
three tequila shots.
Take selfies with people you
know and people
you don’t.
Hug people who don’t
acknowledge you
when they’re sober.
Scream names over and over
until they give you
attention.
Facetime your best friend
but because of your location
you cannot hear a thing
they say so the conversation
consists of you screaming
at your phone.
And don’t forget to text your ex.
But tonight will be special because
when you ask for a ride home
he will say yes.
But it’s not that simple
before you go you must
stand outside and scream
and chase your friends,
trying to stop them from
calling their exes.
And yell at a guy for not
treating his girlfriend right.
Next you must make a stop
at the local sandwich place.
Where you will fall on your way
to the bathroom to throw up.
Your ex will have to
carry you out to his car.
And when he tries to
drop you off you refuse
to go anywhere unless it’s
home with him.
You lay in his bed and
when he tells you he is
going to sleep on the couch
you cry and beg him to stay.
He agrees but doesn’t stay
long enough for you to fall
and you feel the kiss he plants
on your forehead
before he goes.
You will wake up at 7am
and leave tears for him
on his pillow case.
You will decide to slip out
and walk home, but as you
put on your shoes you let
yourself drink him in
one last time because
he is the most beautiful when
he sleeps, and unaware.
Then you leave.
You walk home on a November
morning after the first snowfall,
never tripping on your thoughts,
on a walk of dignity for being
the one to leave this time.
When you get home you will
hesitate to shower because you
know the potential this has to
be the last time waking up
with his smell and letting it stay
with you all day.
You will get a text from him asking
why you didn’t let him take you home,
but how do you tell him he already has?
And that it’s empty now?
Jan 24, 2016
Jan 24, 2016 at 11:03 AM UTC
I had woken
at a friends to them
discussing their glasses and
tears formed in my eyes,
tightness formed in my chest and
I had to focus and my breath
because I thought of you in your glasses
especially when you had scruff
on your face or when wearing a sweater
I always expressed how much
I loved your glasses but
you never wore them more
and now I don't have enough
images to last and it's going to be
a long forever without seeing you
in your glasses.
Jan 20, 2016
Jan 20, 2016 at 11:14 PM UTC
When you told me you loved me again
you were wearing the same shirt as
when you told me you just wanted to be friends and
I had to stare at the same buttons through the same tears
because I knew it couldn’t be true.
This was after we sat at the same table
where we celebrated a year of memories
after we threw them out only to recreate them now.
And I’m unaware if you had more or less to drink now
than the night you first told me you loved me.
All I know for sure is that you had the same tears in your eyes
as the time you called me wonderful as you call me amazing now.
Wonderful was only enough for the 39 days after you first said you loved me
and amazing was only enough for a suspended five days and I was right.
You asked me to stay knowing you were going to leave
and I should have known because you’re always the one to leave and I’m always the one to stay but as we both drive away from the place that birthed us I can’t be mad at it or
sad for what we lost because there is nothing to return to.
We over stayed our welcome, we wore out what we built by going in circles,
dancing with the same issues,
and orbiting around the same moon and me and you and her.
There’s the expression of beating a dead horse with a stick and we are the horse and the stick,
we were waves that kept hitting the same shore and
we’ve hung ourselves out to dry and
we are now an aftertaste in the back of my mouth.
Dec 30, 2015
Dec 30, 2015 at 1:35 PM UTC
He would
call me
by my
middle name.
Dance with
me in obscure
places like the
grocery store.
Days starting with
him would be as
good as honey toast.
He would buy
me flowers and
allow me to do
the same.
I’d let him
show me
the moon
like it already
wasn’t mine.
He would
know when
to hold my
hand and
when not to.
I would sit
silently in his
car while he
drives to new places.
He would read
The Great Gatsby
aloud while I fall asleep.
We’d listen to
the sound of
water together
where ever we
can find it.
He would stand
next to the tracks
with me waiting
to feel the rush
of trains passing by.
He would know
when to bring me
orange juice.
He would
give me gold,
but would you?
Dec 15, 2015
Dec 15, 2015 at 11:36 AM UTC
I will never forget the late November morning
when walking across campus it was cloaked with a ghost
but it dissolved due to a distant radiant gleaming
and I thought how beautiful this place is
and something within me sank when
I realized it won’t be as beautiful
without the potential of you.
And when I looked toward the horizon
you became more than just a thought
and I couldn’t help but laugh as
I watched us gravitate toward each other
because of the irony because
losing you has been the most poetic thing,
you even texted me while I was writing this poem.
But the thing is I don’t know if I’m losing you.
What people forget is when an hour glass runs out
it is started over by flipping it so maybe I’m finding you.
Dec 2, 2015
Dec 2, 2015 at 5:52 PM UTC
Last November I said Time Is Dumb
and you said it sounded poetic and
remembering this made me sick to my stomach
because last November you didn’t wear a watch,
the tick of a clock didn’t sound like a dripping faucet
and each turn of a calendar wasn’t an alarm without a snooze.
We had all of us in front of us for the taking
but we threw ourselves into the wind
which took you to warm arms and me to cool kitchen and bathroom floors
and this started the clocks, which haven’t stopped.
I used to count back to everyday in our demise
and when you asked if I still count I said of course
but a second after I realized I don’t
because it doesn’t matter how many days are behind us
or how many are in front of us
because velocity measures distance over time,
it measures the rate at which an object changes it’s position
and as the seasons have changed so have we.
We meet in spring and fell in fall,
went on wandering winter walks as snow lightly fell,
in spring we sprung our clocks ahead to meet our end
summer was sliced in separation and sadness,
fall was truth and clocks so fast they broke
winter will be wagering within ourselves
I don’t know what spring will bring besides swimming in distance
and in thoughts of what to do with our time.
There are all these clichés about love and timing
but what if you were not suppose to be
my first love, we both had lessons to learn
you needed to flesh out that surface love and
I needed to rebuild walls before inviting you in.
Times isn’t dumb, we are foolish for letting it control us
but we may have learned this a year too late
for we’ve had our distance and we’ve had our time
and they’ve canceled each other out to create now
and it may be all we have.
Dec 2, 2015
Dec 2, 2015 at 12:56 AM UTC
After this November will be the most dreaded month
not because it was when I lost you
but when I knew it was coming,
looming, and this time lightening wasn’t dancing
in the distance it was creating it.
Collecting moments of you
like storing food in a bomb shelter
for when I’m at war with your new
hand watch for not letting us work.
Every time the hand ticks
it is moving me closer to a time without you
and everyday is watching the hourglass of us run out.
Despite this, if I could live with you
in a calendar filled with Novembers, I would.
But I can’t so before you go,
will you watch 44 sunsets with me?
Nov 22, 2015
Nov 22, 2015 at 12:43 AM UTC