I feel like ******* **** and I don't know how to change that because my heart is being ripped open again and I don't think I can survive this repetitive surgery someone please save me
Nov 2, 2014
Nov 2, 2014 at 5:51 AM UTC
And everything I'd been holding in
for a long time came out in sweet, painful relief. And the tears kept rolling, and the emotions kept coming, and the thoughts of everything I'd fought to forget came rushing to meet my eyes. And my face was wet with the continuous beat of my tears hitting the ground. And I gave into the quiet sadness.
Jul 5, 2014
Jul 5, 2014 at 6:01 AM UTC
jesus christ i can't think straight he loves someone else and this smile on my face is burning my skin there's nothing i can do to make it go away there is this lightness in my body begging me to open up my skin and i don't know if i can ignore it any longer but oh it feels so good to have my heart ripped out again
Jun 20, 2014
Jun 20, 2014 at 11:37 AM UTC
The funny thing is, I understand those stupid, cliche songs and movies now. I get that stupid feeling where your heart jumps out of your chest when you see "him". Because everytime I see you, my heart thumps in a hard, scary way. I feel like my heart might burst from my chest cavity. But no, this feeling doesn't come from joy of seeing you. I'm terrified of you. I can't seem to stop seeing you. And it horrifies me. Why won't you just leave, leave my brain, leave my memory. Just please, go away. I don't think I can hold myself together any longer to stay away from you.
May 15, 2014
May 15, 2014 at 12:33 PM UTC
I'm scared because..I think I'm in love with you. But I'll never have you and you've done it all and I'm just an empty shell and you're the whole sky so how can I compare to your brilliance when I could never give you as much? How can I even think of the possibility that I could ever have you when I'll never see you again and you'll never have me? It's silly and sad and I really don't need it but I need you and isn't that the same thing? What is so wrong with me? All I can do is ask questions and I'm going insane because no one, not even myself can answer them and now I know I'm falling into this black pit hell they call love.
May 5, 2014
May 5, 2014 at 12:38 PM UTC
It's midnight and all I can think about is his curly hair, and the way his lips curl when he tells a joke and the way he'll never look at me and how somehow deep down when I said I wouldn't do this, here I am, leading myself on into thinking this has a happy ending it doesn't dreams don't come true it can't come true how can I be set free when he is the one anchoring me.
Apr 28, 2014
Apr 28, 2014 at 3:07 AM UTC
I saw you last week for the first time in a long time.
You looked good, happy.
And I had to wonder if
All this time, you were thinking of me at all.
Because the fear and grief you caused me when my eyes laid on you has left me even more scarred.
I'll never be rid of you, will I?
Mar 25, 2014
Mar 25, 2014 at 8:38 PM UTC
I'VE LIED TO MYSELF TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO BE WORKING THIS POUNDING IN MY BODY AND MIND IS GIVING ME A SIGN I WON'T MAKE IT OUT ALIVE CAN'T THEY SEE THAT I NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP IT AWAY I NEED TO FORGET PLEASE LET ME FORGET
Mar 25, 2014
Mar 25, 2014 at 8:31 PM UTC
What is about to happen before you will be real. There are no mixed up words thought up to confuse the reader. It's time to confess and tell what I've had to hold inside. There's only the truth and the only ******* way to say it: I'm miserable. I've been miserable for far too long. A year ago today, I was changed forever and all I ever believed was taken from me. Love used to be this golden thing I could not wait to hold in my hands. But now, it's a poisonous cancer deep in the root of my heart that I can't touch for fear I'll be frozen forever. I am too much. I love too much. I care too much. I'm there too much. I pare too much. I am just too much. I could write a million songs about what has happened to me and none of them would fix my heart. None of them would help me heal. I once loved a boy, and truly loved, but he couldn't be bothered to keep me. He showed me what it was to really feel pain. Afterwards, it seemed like all I could do was lose people. All I had done was lose people. All I could do was be hurt. I was a punching bag
people got their kicks out of and when they were finished, they left, I stood there, more beaten than before. And it continued. A never ending cycle I could never end unless I end myself. How is it that something can make us so weak yet so strong? And how can we want it so much and despise it so? I have forced myself to grow cold, emotionless. It is much easier than being emotionally invested in people and to just lose it all. For a while, it worked. Hell, I even didn't feel a thing for quite some time. Mostly anger. No sadness. But that grief, that suffocating sadness, has never truly left. It has wrung clearly within me and it is trying to escape through my throat in agonized screams of fear. Fear that I am finally breaking out and feeling the loss I have had to try and keep inside. A loss I could never find the words to end correctly. Though I am trying to fight, I am weaker than before. So I will grow stronger, I will lose these disposable feelings like a camera with no film, and I will protect myself like I always have. I will be ok. Free. And you can never hurt me again. I CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN I WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN YOU WILL NOT BRING ME TO THE KNEES OF DEATH ONCE AGAIN I WON'T LET YOU I WON'T LET YOU I WON'T I WON'T PLEASE LEAVE ME BE LET ME LIVE CAN'T YOU SEE? CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'll ONLY MAKE IT WORSE? I HAVE TO BE FREE OF THIS CANCER, THIS DISEASE I HAVE TO BE FREE OF LOVE. I HAVE TO BE FREE. Please. I cannot do this anymore.
Mar 4, 2014
Mar 4, 2014 at 11:43 PM UTC
I saw a picture of you yesterday.
And I have to say, you looked ok.
I forced myself into believing you
didn't own me anymore,
that my smile wasn't yours to take away anymore.
But I was wrong.
So, so wrong.
But I guess I'm ok.
Mar 3, 2014
Mar 3, 2014 at 2:00 PM UTC