Yet again you've stolen
Another night's rest
From my blurred eyes
And weary mind.
But what's one more night
Spent staring at a graveyard of stars
If it brings me closer to
You?
Closer to the one time in my life
I was truly
Happy.
I can rub the exhaustion
From the brown irises
You once called beautiful.
I can push through
The sheer desire
To do absolutely nothing
Long enough to make it
Through work.
And as soon as I get home
I can collapse on my bed
And stare at the wall
Or ceiling
For a few moments
Wishing it was
Your face instead
Before I close my eyes
And attempt to sleep.
But I know my body
And mind
Will suddenly be wired
With the alertness
And awakeness
Of loneliness
And longing.
Because I'm still too weak
To overcome you.
Jun 12, 2013
Jun 12, 2013 at 6:49 PM UTC
How many years
Will it take for me
To be free of you?
How much longer
Must I endure
The hollowness
You left behind?
The dull ache
That settled itself
Into my being?
The way smoke
Settles itself
Between tightly woven
Strands of cotton.
Will this never end?
Will the abhorrent fragrance
Of smoke-sullied clothing
Stay with my forever?
The way I wish
You had.
Jun 6, 2013
Jun 6, 2013 at 5:36 PM UTC
On lonely nights
When thoughts of you
Dance throughout my mind
I wonder how often
I dance through yours.
I wonder if we met
For the first time
Right now
How would life unfold?
Would we spend
The next eleven months
Building our lives
Planning our futures
Wasting out time
On a foundation cracked
By your empty words
And careless lies?
Would you destroy everything
We had worked so hard for
With two simple sentences?
Only to give it
One more try
For two more months?
Would we then fade
From each others' lives?
Maybe we would grow.
Maybe the following year
Would be built
On solid foundation.
Maybe you would
Really love me
And our relationship
Would grow into marriage
And children
And grandchildren
And great grandchildren
And ashes
Intermingling with soil
And growing something beautiful
Like our love once would have.
Maybe I would break your heart.
Or maybe
We wouldn't know each other
At all.
Jun 6, 2013
Jun 6, 2013 at 5:34 PM UTC
Draw me in
And hold me close.
Feel my body
Shiver in your strong arms
And the spreading Goosebumps
Stand firm
Against your warm skin
As you try to shelter me
From the brisk night air.
Stare at the sky with me
And search its depths
For all the stars
We could possibly find.
Light a cigarette
And take long, steady drags
And inhale deeply
Allowing the tar to tickle your lungs
Before you exhale the poison
So the sharp, comforting smell
Of ashes and a Marlboro Red
Can engulf us.
Gaze down at me
With warm, dulcet eyes
And turn me around.
Brush the hair from my face
With your rough, callused hand
So our eyes can meet.
Rest one hand
Gently on my hip
While the other
Carefully holds my face
So your eager lips
Can be pressed against mine.
And when you’re done
Let me feel the moisture
Of a wisely placed peck
On the center of my forehead
In a subtle but sincere attempt
To prove your care for me
And my worth to you.
And when all is said and done
And you’re staring down at me
Hoping that maybe, just maybe
For once
This time you got through to me,
Wrap me in a god ****** hug
And swear you’ll never let go.
Cherish the feeling
Of being entangled in each other’s arms
And our bodies pressed together
As we desperately cling
To the only thing either of us has left.
Just hold me and hope
By some random inaccuracy of nature
Time suddenly stops.
And allows us to live these seconds
For minutes.
Hours.
Days.
Months.
Years.
Any amount of time
Longer than it really is.
Because, truth be told,
We’ll never experience a moment
More beautiful than that
In our entire lifetimes.
May 6, 2013
May 6, 2013 at 4:08 PM UTC
The storms are raging.
Winds are gushing.
Rain is pouring.
Hail is pounding.
Thunder is booming.
Lightning is striking.
Tornados are touching.
Trees are falling.
Power is failing.
And none of this is drowning
My thoughts of you.
They’re still there.
I still hear them.
I can’t help but wonder if you’re okay.
I hope you are.
If storms like these
Have touched where you are.
I hope they haven’t.
I can’t help but wonder
If you think of me.
I hope you do.
Or if you’ve erased any trace of me
From your life completely.
I hope you haven’t.
I hope, I hope, I hope.
I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.
It’s something you gave me.
The only remnants
Of what we were
And who we used to be
To each other
And to the world.
May 6, 2013
May 6, 2013 at 4:00 PM UTC
And I just want someone
Who will be there for me.
Someone I can turn to
Someone who will be
Everything I ever needed
Everything to me.
Someone I can turn to
Someone who will see
The darker side I have to offer
And accept it lovingly.
Someone I can turn to
Someone who won’t flee.
Someone who can one day
Ask me on one knee
For my hand in marriage
And love forever free.
Someone who will take me
And show me off with pride.
Someone who is not ashamed.
Someone who won’t hide.
Someone who will always
Be there at my side.
Someone I can turn to
And to whom I can confide.
Someone who could show me
All the things outside.
Someone who could teach me
How to enjoy the ride.
Someone who would notice
All the times I cried.
And someone who would wait
Through all the time I bide.
Someone who would love me
And never turn away.
Someone who could finally
Be the one to stay.
Someone who could look at me
And with honesty say
That they really need me
Each and every day.
Someone who would want to
Help me pave the way
Towards a better future
And not lead me astray.
Someone who works hard
For every form of pay.
And someone who appreciates
The bed in which they lay.
Surely there is someone
Who fits this to a T.
But will that someone ever
Make their way to me?
May 6, 2013
May 6, 2013 at 3:58 PM UTC
I started smoking again.
But only after work
In the late evenings
When I want to get out
Of my room.
Am I slipping?
I started drinking too.
But only on the weekends
Late at night into
Early mornings
With friends
When I want to forget
All about everything.
I’m not slipping.
I even started taking pills.
But only ones to help me sleep
On those nights when
I’m so, so tired
And don’t think I can survive
Another restless night.
I don’t want to slip.
May 6, 2013
May 6, 2013 at 3:56 PM UTC
I miss you.
I miss the way
You made me feel.
The things we did.
The conversations we had.
The consistency.
I miss it all.
You don’t.
You couldn’t possibly.
You have someone.
You have
The things we did.
The conversations we had.
The consistency.
You have everything
I miss.
Only with her.
And in a way
I hate you for that.
I hate that you
No longer care.
That we no longer talk.
That I was so easily
Replaced.
I will never recover
From the damage
You caused.
The fear is
Permanently instilled.
You couldn’t love me.
Not even after a year.
So who the hell could?
May 6, 2013
May 6, 2013 at 3:53 PM UTC
If I look happy here
It’s an act,
Sorry to disappoint,
I’m actually quite miserable.
Those are the words
You said to me.
So casual.
So calm.
So nonchalant.
As if it’s never
Been any different.
That makes me sad.
It makes me sad
To know that
You haven’t been happy
For a while.
It makes me sad
To think that
You lost your smile.
It makes me sad
To realize that
You feel exactly as I do.
Because I know
Just how terrible
It truly feels.
No one deserves
Those feelings.
Those feelings of
Anger.
Frustration.
Depression.
Loneliness.
Hatred.
Hatred for where you are.
Who you are.
All the things
That got you here.
I know those feelings
All too well.
And I hate that you
Or anyone
Has to feel them too.
Nov 26, 2011
Nov 26, 2011 at 1:11 AM UTC
I want to say
It surprises me.
That I’m shocked.
Blind-sided.
Utterly amazed.
But I can’t
Because I’m not.
I knew.
I knew
From the very beginning
That we would be short lived
Just like my confidence
In us.
The “us”
And “we”
That didn’t really exist.
A “summer romance”
Is what you called it.
We fell victim to
Unfortunate circumstances.
The idea was perfect.
The timing was anything but.
None of that’s important though.
All it is
Is the same old, same old.
Childish games.
Mindless flirting.
Half-hearted hugs
And wasted kisses.
Intricate and crucial
Moments in our lives
That we can never get back.
That years from now
We probably won’t even
Remember.
I will.
But I can’t describe
How doubtful I am
That you will.
No one else
Ever does.
I’m the only one
Stuck with ghosts
From my past
And stuck with skeletons
In my closet
And stuck with baggage
From my mind.
All things
I can’t seem to shake
Because of the moments
Similar to this one
And the people
Similar to you.
That’s why
Nothing ever surprises me.
Nov 26, 2011
Nov 26, 2011 at 1:09 AM UTC