colorfulways
I'm living the every day life of a teenager with rattling thoughts that need to be expressed in some way: poetry, writing. More or so me complaining about everything that happens to me, trying to sound like I'm some poet. If you're trying to listen to me complain, you're at the right spot.
Trying to explain how depression actually feels to a person who doesn't know is very difficult.
We sometimes say "It's like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing"
or we try to describe how you just feel empty. But how do you explain the feeling of being empty? dark, cold, scary?
sometimes you can't even explain it. sometimes it doesn't feel like anything. Sometimes you're just alive and you dont know why
Nov 30, 2017
Nov 30, 2017 at 11:48 PM UTC
You are the one that taught me to become heartless, then you got upset because that means I became heartless when it came to you too.
e.g
Nov 18, 2017
Nov 18, 2017 at 12:39 PM UTC
I have put up a wall.
One that kept getting taller and taller after each lie.
I closed off my heart and convinced myself that not having feelings for anyone would keep me from getting hurt again.
After being manipulated for so long, you start to manipulate yourself.
You turned me into you.
You made me believe that every person I meet will let me down and break my heart.
You made me believe that I wasn’t enough for the next one.
You made me believe that without you I was nothing.
But without you I found everything.
Nov 6, 2017
Nov 6, 2017 at 2:39 AM UTC
Because I kept coming back you thought it was okay to keep hurting me. You couldn't just let me leave-- that was too simple
You wanted me to feel something; pain.
You wanted me not having you to hurt.
You got off on my pain. You got off on the power you had over me. The power to rule me.
You knew that even when I got upset that I would come right back and that's why you didn't fight for me. Or fight to love me back.
You didn't love me. You never did. But you told me those three words to make me stay, to make me come back, to make me want you more.
May 9, 2017
May 9, 2017 at 8:44 PM UTC
I have struggled to be the person I want to be.
I have spent my days making others happy, in doing so I only hurt myself. I have given my all to a man who wasn't man enough to appreciate me. I had so much hope in him that I lost hope in myself.
God, isn't it crazy how you believe in someone more than you believe in yourself? Isn't it crazy how you think that its you against the world?
This isn't about him anymore. It's about me. This is about me. THIS IS FOR ME.
I will make myself happy
I will give my all to myself because that is what I deserve.
I will have hope in myself
I will believe in myself.
This is for me, and without him I'll make it.
May 5, 2017
May 5, 2017 at 2:16 AM UTC
Sometimes you meet people and they aren’t meant to be your forever.
Although it’d be great if it could be that way, wouldn’t it?
You bond with them over the little things like pizza toppings, music and sports teams. The short conversations when you see them “out on the night” turn into hours of laughter and before you know it you’re waking up next to them the next morning—Then mornings that follow
You begin to get used to the fact that they’re now apart of your every day routine.
Suddenly, when the phone calls stop, the text messages stop, the dinner dates, and the sleepovers; all of the things you did together come to an end that is when you realize forever isn’t within them.
But God, isn’t forever kind of cliché?
How is someone going to love me forever?
I’m sure they’d get tired of my obnoxious laugh and how I find things that aren’t usually found funny by others, funny to me.
Or how I have to sleep with a fan on and the T.V. off. How I constantly have to be reassured because everyone before them tore me down repeatedly.
How can you find forever in me?
Forever. Forever in a girl who isn’t sure about where she wants to go or who she wants to be? Forever in a girl who isn’t sure forever is real at all.
Feb 26, 2017
Feb 26, 2017 at 1:17 AM UTC
I don't want my heart to learn to love the rollercoaster boys.
The ones that take us on a ride but forget to tell us how many times we will go upside down, twist and turn, and sometimes fall out.
But those are the ones we fall for because they make us feel alive
Feb 17, 2017
Feb 17, 2017 at 12:02 PM UTC
I guess I try to find the good in everyone.
But more particularly, in you.
I had this picture in my head of what it could have been, just like everyone envisions their life with the person they love.
I guess at first I wasn't sure what this was going to be, or where "this" was going to go. But I sat down for the ride, and buckled up. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but for you I'd risk the crash and fall.
It started with the look in your eyes. Every time you would look at me, I thought for sure I could see the love in your eyes. And then it was the touch. Every time your skin touched mine, I thought for sure I could feel the love through your finger tips. All of a sudden it was the words. The three little words that are so small but are worth so much; i love you.
God, I love you. It came to that? I didn't know if I was ready for everything that came with "I love you" But hell, I'm in for the ride, right? I mean I sat down and buckled up so hell, I'm in for the entire ride. It took me awhile to say it back, but I knew that I loved you too-- Maybe I loved you too much already, maybe too soon.
I could feel myself growing with you. I felt myself growing because of you. I felt like life was starting to make sense, but I guess I let my feelings get ahead of me because last night I felt nothing but sadness.
Last night I felt like everything we made, everything we found, was doomed. Hell, it is doomed. We are nothing anymore. You must have found yourself in her, and I guess that's okay.
You cant force someone to love you back- right?
I guess I'm in this alone.
Feb 17, 2017
Feb 17, 2017 at 11:45 AM UTC
God life is seriously so freaking beautiful.
WE HAVE IT SO GOOD EVEN WHEN WE THINK WE DONT
I woke up this morning
God let me live yet another day.
He let me wake up to a blue sky, and green trees.
He let me wake up to people who love me.
He let me wake up to see my family for yet another day.
Life is so short, and you're sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. you're sitting around hating yourself, harming yourself, hating others, being cruel to others--- GOD LET YOU LIVE ANOTHER DAY AND YOU WANT TO MAKE THAT DAY A NEGATIVE DAY?
I spent too many days hating myself, hurting myself, and crying myself to sleep, BUT no more of that.
I love myself
I am alive
I am healthy
I have people who love me
I don't constantly feel alone or feel like I'm not good enough anymore, and it's all because of him. He blesses me more and more each and every day.
Feb 5, 2017
Feb 5, 2017 at 9:02 PM UTC