claudia-anne-krizay
I am a 58 year old woman living with schizophrenia and my creative endeavors allow me to express myself and help me to cope with this illness. I am also an artist, a photographer and I do bead work. I have self published three books of my poetry, art and photography. / I am unemployed- When I was younger I had high aspirations but because of my illness I never reached those goals. But through my creative endeavors, medication,, therapy and electoconvulsive therapy I have made a life for myself. I feel as if I have gained a purpose in life on this planet.
Spirits Live On
I can hear the wind outside gusting-
I can see the swaying branches on the barren trees outside,
And a foreboding clouded sky where wild geese are calling-
The skies shall darken further with the setting of the sun and
Winter will have begun once again.
I fear this time of year when the world falls into a deepening slumber-
It is the time of year when cold air can become bitter
It is the time of year when my mother passed away- Twenty two years ago.
I fear the sounds of winter- The wind fiercely whistling as it blows-
I fear winter storms where the snowfalls are heavy,
I am locked inside of my home
Fearful of the cold air outside enveloping me-
I fear the darkening of the shorter days
I have locked myself inside a world of my own
But trying to grasp onto my sanity as I struggle to abandon past memories-
My mother’s ashes were scattered at sea
Near a sunny California beach-
Although she passed away at the dawn of a bleak winter’s day
I fear that her spirit was lost when she died =
And had awakened in some strangely foreign place-
I fear the loss of my own soul and spirit as
Winter has always been such a desolate time of year
A time where all hope seemingly slips away.
I recall the day I was taken away,
And I found myself in a bleak and unfamiliar place
I had lost more than peace of mind-I had lost my grasp on reality and
I still hear my mother crying as she exited the door to this dungeon, leaving me behind.
I now feel my own tears streaming down my cheeks-
My mother’s death had been tragic-we had lost ourselves in different ways
We both left this world when trees are barren, and when the days are shortened.
As snow is beginning to fall I close my eyes and dream-
That my spirit shall awaken by my mother’s side someday after I myself die-
Where we shall both find ourselves alive in a better place
Where clear skies shall awaken us with a new rebirth-
In a place where the sun never sets and we can be happy always to be alive-
Even if we are only alive in spirit-we shall laugh, be carefree and content
It has been said that our spirits will always find joy and freedom from fear-
And our spirits shall live on eternally…
Claudia Krizay
Dec 10, 2014
Dec 10, 2014 at 9:58 PM UTC
The Land of Itmon
Nobody ever promised me
A patch of lilacs in the wintertime and
Pink clouds never truly rained
A river of tears-
I only promised myself the land of Itmon-
Something akin to a goddess or a saint
I would sit at the right hand of the holy octagon-
Fervently praying for my inner world to come alive-
Locked inside the chambers of madness and
Locked inside the confinement of my bedroom
For days my head would be lost in those pink clouds,
Even sometimes while they were raining
A fine mist of gold upon and before me-
My bed had become the ferryboat guiding me through the bleakness of
My sordid nightmares to
This mesmerizing world deemed as Itmon-
I am alive inside this far away place, though
Truly not so far away-
The voices inside of my mind, commanding-
Giving me orders day in and day out-
My closest companions whose orders
I feel inclined to obey-
Running far away from the voices of my past where
The planet earth has not been kind-
The land of Itmon is none but paradise-
Here I have come to know Kyt, my guiding light
Donning flaxen hair and eyes of
Cyanotic blue-
Hypnotizing me with her glance and
Charming me with her smile-
Taking me by the hand and leading me into
The magical land of Itmon-
This place where nobody feels despair and where
We lose ourselves within our dreams-
Pink clouds turning lavender at night fall-
Snow never falls in this land of my fantasies-
Fantasies have so abruptly transformed to reality-
Hand in hand Kyt and I have abandoned the demons of
Our squalid pasts and we have entered this fairytale place of our
Wildest dreams to remain forever bonded-
Nobody ever promised me inner peace-
Nobody ever sang to me the song of a nightingale-
As an inhabitant of this planet I was so rudely born in
Nobody ever understood or comprehended-
So I mounted my proud unicorn and fled into the sunrise-
Dismounting when I reached that path
Paved before me-
That path paved in platinum, which by nature guided me
Into the magnificent land of Itmon-
I see mountains of many colors-
Before whirlpools of waters of deep cobalt blue-
I stand stalwart besides tall reeds, viridian hued-
I am very much alive in this unique place of my dreams which
Has rapidly become my only reality-
Sing with me, Kyt, the song of a nightingale- for
I hear faint words of alien people saying that
I have lost my sanity and am in a wretched state-
I have never been a happier person alive-
I have lost myself inside the world of my dreams forever-
My dreams are reality and yesterday’s reality has vanished and
Looking into those eyes of Kyt’s-
Compelling and hypnotic as in my fondest dreams-
Eyes of cerulean blue truly spellbinding as are as always
The voices inside my mind commanding-
I have a home that only I can envision-
I sit on the right side of the holy octagon and
Thank the Goddess that rules this fine land for
Making my dreams come alive,
My fantasies are my only true reality now, as I
Walk that pathway paved in platinum before me
Into lavender skies and whirlpools of my destiny,
Abandoning my past forever-
Only to see ahead and to look forward
Without looking behind me and
Without ever turning back…
Claudia Krizay
Dec 8, 2014
Dec 8, 2014 at 5:18 PM UTC
A Tale of Betrayal
Those who appear beautiful on the outside
Are blessed because to others that means
That their beauty reflects the person that they are on the inside-
A warm smile reflects a warm heart, and
One can envision true love looking through the person’s eyes-
We believe that inner loveliness shines through.
I recall somebody who wore such a smile, and
Had that winning sparkle in her eyes-
Her hair was golden and I believed she
Had opened the door to her heart to let me inside.
When she held my hand I felt safe and it was a new rebirth
Her warm embrace I believed was speaking of
Her love toward me-I felt as if I was in another world.
The dark curtain dropped before my eyes
The day she ridiculed the pain I felt,
Laughed when I wept and
Rain fell upon the pathway as I followed in her footsteps-
I was slipping on water turning to ice, and falling-
And when I told her that I wanted to end my life
She lashed out and, she set my spirit on fire,
That smile she had always worn, that was the smile that had lied to me.
It has been said that “beauty is skin deep” she was an angel in disguise
Awestricken I wondered How could a person who appeared saintly and
With a voice reflecting a soul replete with devotion
Be so cruel and own the soul of a demon inside?
Years have passed and I have locked the door to my life to shut her out-
Hoping to never meet face to face with her again-
As years passed I have grown and now I know
That behind a magnificent sunset can be dark clouds of a storm approaching-
And I shall never trust my instincts again
The loveliest appearing person alive I shall not believe in-
Their infidelity that doesn’t appear can be hidden beneath a blanket of depravity.
Never have faith; never trust I say – when I look into somebody’s eyes
I shall look more deeply and look with care for what makes that smile seem real
I was only a child when I knew her-
From a heart that has not yet healed from the pain inflicted, though years have passed-
I say true beauty is more than what appears “skin deep”
And a broad smile and a gentle voice can lie, and be a dark curtain in itself.
Claudia Krizay
Dec 7, 2014
Dec 7, 2014 at 4:29 PM UTC
The Seesaw Poem
A seesaw is a sorrowful thing, though inanimate.
I know it must have emotions deeply seated,
Though they do not show,
It rises upward and then drops downward repeatedly,
With monotonous regularity,
Upward, and downward, then upward once more,
It travels with no forward direction.
It hears the weeping children injured, when they fall,
And listens to the angry voices of their mothers and their fathers.
A see saw appears to be a simple plaything,
A board balanced upon a wedge of wood.
Sliding boards are thrilling;
There is joyous glee for a child upon a swing,
Carefree, gliding through the air.
There is no repose for a child upon a seesaw,
Who has no forward direction.
It raises acrophobiclally,
And falls downward towards hell.
Lacking motivation,
It rises upward, downward and upward again,
And descends towards hell.
There is more pleasure playing in a sand pile,
Where children bury their heads hiding from the world.
If you pass by a playground,
You shall always see children falling off of a see saw-
Can you hear these children crying?
Listen to their voices screaming out in fear,
As they rise upward without control,
And drop downward, downward, and downward towards hell...
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 8:48 PM UTC
The Moon and the Shooting Stars
The moon and the shooting stars
Roses dancing in a cool summer breeze- and
A daffodil towers above the rosebuds-
I was once a lost soul.
I recall childhood days when
I picked those roses and made a bouquet-
Placed it haphazardly upon my mother’s desk-
I still thought of that lonesome daffodil
Its petals wavering in a burst of wind-
The chair at my mother’s desk is empty-
The desk itself is barren-
It was twenty years ago that my mother passed away-
The wind is the force that is against me-
The rain now falling is my tears-
The thunder is the rage seething inside of me, and
Lightening is my strength that shall strike
All those that try to harm me-
The sun sets and the moon appears over the horizon,
Rose petals flutter about and
I am that daffodil standing against the force of the wind-
Night descends and the moon and the shooting stars
Glimmer in the dark summer’s nighttime sky-
My mother is gone like the rose petals are now and
I am no longer a lost soul-but
I have become a woman and am like
That daffodil that stands tall against the force of
The wind that gusts before a storm arrives-
Claudia Krizay
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 8:40 PM UTC
Ode to a Deer
Do not run away and please do not fear me.
Although if you did fear me, I would comprehend-
Whether is it the force of evil that sears the soul of every human-
The loud and strident words that emanate from the moral fiber inside of us?
I was born under a different star- the steps I take are muted-
You are standing still; I can still see you nearby-I am a loner within a crowded world, and
Solitude is my way of life- to some, a forlorn existence, but to me a blessing-
Your silky coat and your antlers, tall and so delicate, and
Your legs are brawny yet graceful-
Are your soulful eyes now fixed upon my countenance, or
Are you now looking about the forest, your home, your place of birth?
I have abandoned crowds, tall buildings and cars rushing up and down highways,
I am seeking refuge here amongst nature and all of its mysterious glory-
Somewhere along my course of life,
I have tripped, fallen and somehow never grew to be part of the
Populated world to which nearly everyone awakens?
I say, “Do not fear me”- I am different from those who dwell in that madding crowd-
I am more like you than you could imagine-
Frightened of loud and unfamiliar noises and
Feeling more at home amongst trees, mountains, grass and wildflowers,
My wish is to become a deer as you are, although
I am human in my appearance, inside, God created me differently-
Losing myself inside the world of my thoughts and fantasies,
I shall approach you and we can dash through the forest together,
Never to see cars, or people fighting, and
Never to hear sirens, shouting or any city noises-
Let us run further and further away together, running until we find a place-
That place where silence rules except for the sounds of an autumn breeze
Rustling the leaves upon the trees and water rushing up and down a nearby creek-
Do not fear, we shall be safe, my heart beats with love of nature, not with rage-although
I still ask myself- what has this world outside of here come to?
Someplace in this course of life-something went astray – I shall never understand-
But it will not matter if we gallop lightly together and make our escape-
We have the woodlands, all of their magical splendor and
I have turned an imaginary key and locked the doors of misfortune behind us-
What matters is what exists inside our minds, souls and thoughts,
As we shall have one another,
Let the car engines roar and let millions of people jabber and shout-
I cannot hear them and I no longer fear them- I wish upon the stars above-
My world shall be what I make it, despite where I was born-
I sing with the birds and in my own way I fly with them-joyfully because
After much searching and wishing upon those stars- I have found a home…
Claudia Krizay
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 8:14 PM UTC
My Soul Afire
The rising sun sets my soul afire
At the dawning of every new day-
I see life as a new beginning-
Cardinals, robins, blue jays and finches
Carry on with their tune as the
Orchestra of a gentle spring like breeze
Rustles the newly unfolded leaves upon every tree-
Alone to enjoy the mystery of the woodlands-
The sun’s rays shining through the
Branches of the maple trees-
Dogwood blossoms both crimson pink and white
Against a sky of cerulean blue
Evoke a chorus from my spirit-
A hymn of freedom and ecstasy, as
My spirit and soul have been reborn.
As the day progresses
I am overcome by fear and
At the noon of the day the sun rises above the mountains
The world comes out from hiding-
This is the time when strangers become invasive,
Clouds overtake the light and
The rain begins to fall.
Thunder would clap and rain would pour downward in a
Spitefully intrusive manner
Quenching the magical flames
That had my spirit and soul dancing to the
Early morning symphony that the world has
Maliciously taken aback-
When the night takes over
I see the full moon ascend over the horizon and the
Stars are bright-
The stars are bright and Mars is a brilliant red while
Venus winks at me with its eyes of green-
Stars and planets are mystifyingly beautiful in their own way, though
Light years away-
If I listen vigilantly-
I can hear ancient music imminent from
The stars and planets in the vastness of the universe as
The moon appears above the treetops-
It shines its light upon me and sets my spirit dancing and once again-
Sets my soul afire-
Claudia Krizay
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 8:08 PM UTC
Living in Fear
Lost in a dream world, far beyond veracity-
Seated cross-legged upon a wooden beamed floor-
I pray to the Goddess, the savior of my spirit
Fabricated in a moment, although lost and forgotten-
Now I speak only to the people who live
Beyond the mountains, purple in their hue-
Dancing beneath the magical rain falling from
The loveliness of crimson clouds-
Melodious voices ring out as they
Enchantingly obliterate the demons of my past and present-
An expressive smile creeps up upon my face-
Finally I have been liberated-
As a ghost-like shadow eradicates the light,
I feel the presence of faltering footsteps
Pounding the floors-
Loudening voices resonate throughout the confinement of this room:
Speaking the words “I am coming to take you away-“
I feel a firm grip of a stranger’s hand upon my shoulder as
A metal cuff locks about my wrist-
I feel my body somehow
Disconnected from my mind as I rise to my feet-
Moments later, locked inside the confinement
Of an unfamiliar vehicle-
Blaring sirens exacerbate my fear-
In this moment of terrifying madness
I pray to the goddess, the savior of my spirit-
Crimson clouds transforming to dank, dark fogginess-
I feel a different sort of rain falling-
I have come to realization-
That the demons of my past and present - have returned-
As my soul escapes the confinement of my mind,
Thunder claps while lightening strikes-
There is no magic beyond mountains
No place for dancing and the only voice ringing out now
Vibrant as pounding upon a base drum bellows-
“I have come - to take you away-“
Claudia Krizay
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 8:01 PM UTC
Harmony
The sun shall rise atop the mountains
At the break of every new day-
Through my eyes, the sun becomes a mirror- through which
I can clearly see my reflection-
My eyes sparkle as; I foresee hope for a glorious new day
Filled with adventure, bliss and tranquility-
The clouds on the horizon form random shapes as they are changing colors-
Pinks and oranges and even golden, reflecting shadows of the trees
That are dancing in the early spring’s breeze-
These clouds are not dark as are rain clouds and
On this day my eyes shed no tears- although I ask myself-
Shall this inner peace and joy
That has awakened my spirit on this day last forever?
I recall as a child I used to fear the darkness and would pray for everlasting light-
But I know now that when the sun sets, the moon will rise and the stars shall come out,
These form the magic and mysteriousness of the twilight.
I can always wish upon a star for more harmony and contentment.
Even if the stars are hidden by dark thunder clouds of misfortune,
The sun, shall shine its light upon the world again and when the rain begins to fall,
I know it is the rain that makes the trees, grasses and flowers grow and flourish-
At the break of every day I now realize that whether I witness the light at sunrise, or
If I see the rain falling hard- these are both God’s gifts of nature and
I am fortunate to be alive-
Claudia Krizay
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 7:53 PM UTC
Evening Litany
It has so often been said that some people
Create dreams, and others live them…
If I were offered reality, I would refuse it-
Even in my most profound moments of madness, as I live in fear…
If friendship were offered to me, I may accept it, but
With care and caution, for I do not trust many…
-Although- if a tune was played, I would sing to it, because
Music brings to me peace and joy, as it uplifts my wounded spirit…
If one brought me incense, I would let it permeate my castle, for
Its sweetness and delicate scent would soothe me and calm my
Tormented soul…
If the whole world wished to trade with me their madding crowd to
My solitude, I would say” No”, for in
My solitude, I have found freedom of expression of my
Inner creative self, and-
If I were offered the world,
I could never part with my dreams,
For it is in these dreams that I have created,
I have found a home
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 7:47 PM UTC