Nobody believes in me. But, neither do I, and that’s OK. But they don’t really know how I am, and if they knew, I am pretty sure they wouldn’t feel the same way. I sometimes feel like coming out of the closet, not because I am gay, but just for my personality. Then, I realize we are all in the closet. Even when you come out of the closet, you search for somewhere else to hide. But basically nobody will get out of the wardrobe, which makes sense, because we judge. We dislike everything. How people talk, dress, look, or even walk. We are so caught up on ******** that we don’t even get to evolve as people. I know I don’t. Could that be part of the system we grew up in? How do we differentiate a critique from simply judging. The critique highway goes straight into judge, or does it not? We might say — this is just a critique, it’s for your own good— but in reality, most of the times, we have already spoken about it to someone else. Why do we always need to get people’s approval to fit into this world, and therefore, are most unpopular “outcasts” really the most honest people to be around. I will never know, because I am as guilty as everyone else. Involved in the society that simply sits in the caffe window watching people pass by as you consider yourself better than them. Whatever. Once again, I am no better. I just find it sad to think that I am always searching from approval by bashing on other people, who have decided to live their life without caring about the dumb girl sitting by the window.
Feb 29, 2016
Feb 29, 2016 at 9:49 PM UTC
It´s amusing how some people are never there when you need them. You try to hide the fact that you are lonely by calling people’s attention, but they still seem not to realize why you are doing it. Should you feel hurt? Maybe misunderstood? For why would they look at this calling as a reoccurrence when you have never intended for this to be the case? Had you maybe done so without realizing, and the perspective of yourself is in fact, completely wrong?
From what I remember I have never really been the type that just pity’s herself, or even desperately calls at others by sharing secrets. Of course, always my own, but still. It is a clear lack of attention, and it´s leading to complete unhappiness. I don’t really know who my true friends, or lovers in a sense are, neither am I willing to discover. Yet, I still suffer from it’s staggering punishments.
That looking at your phone for hope - an anonymous love perhaps - which realistically never calls to your door. But you remain vivid on the past, that power you used to have.
You know, and by all means you do, that you are out of control - wish to change it, but continue being grabbed by stronger forces.
You think you are too smart, don’t you? Has it ever occurred to you why you’d think that? Have you at least accomplished something, gone through with any project?
Stop and re-think. You are the remainders of that potential. Everyone invested on you, and when you went out to the market, you proved wrong. You are not worth it, and everyone knows that!
Sep 29, 2015
Sep 29, 2015 at 11:32 PM UTC
*woken by the light
through my window
shades. so bright
my heart. dark night
grow up. can´t
keep hurting people
as days go by
too bad. i say
chug it in. swallow those
regrets and memories
a smile. fake it and
chug it in. swallow…
thought. was admired
simply desired. dancing
all bodies at night
just like animals. seeking
woken by the light. person
next to me can´t recognize
another fun night.
get home. think and cry.*
Feb 19, 2015
Feb 19, 2015 at 8:52 PM UTC
i am drugged.
laying on my bed.
staring at dark corners
of my room.
an empty room.
just me. and
the past moments
i once lived.
calling at my door
calling to come in
this night
and 21 years past
i am alone
don´t want visits
no more visits
at night i suffer.
i have to answer
to those whole call.
tomorrow i say.
leave.
leave.
they continue.
2 am and hear the knocks.
i am drugged.
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2015 at 10:29 PM UTC
*Glanced at bird.
Scared of me, for I am.
Human.
Mice looked.
From me it moved. To slow, for I am.
Snake.
Spread wings and flew.
Unconscious snail.
Eagle took.
He didn’t stare.
Didn’t stare. Thought.
Didn’t know.
Cruelty, perhaps.
Present or unmindful. Choose.
Run. To end up in the same place.
Give up, darling, close your eyes.
Change is not to occur.
Be scared of the snake.
Barbarous eagle.
Let justice be made by the human
He knows well.
What is the bird running from?
I am only a human*
Jan 3, 2015
Jan 3, 2015 at 12:02 AM UTC
Two thousand downloads from societies web
Only in one day, a certain success
A few users left, but mostly did stay
For whats to say, “They Will Come Back and Play”
The penalty for leaving
if you even pose the thought
bullying, laughter, certain weeping
for trying have said NO
If you decide on leaving
And simply glare the thought
Your bed will hunt your body
Until you decide to oppose
Tell everyone your not angry
For how are they going to know
They know you are a player
Even when they did wrong.
Make your opinion shallow,
Make sure to think like them
Deny that you like certain things
that way you´ll have a chance
The game with settled winners
The game that leaves you hope
Don’t overestimate the gammers
They have played for far too long
They teach you to play stupid
to never pose a threat
to tell your friends you love them
while thinking about betray
They don’t know what you like
thinking you are like them
trying to fit in
but knowing that you can’t
COME AND PLAY SOCIETIES GAME
only a few winner, but EVERYONE STAYS
Why are you still part of it
Are you afraid what’d they´ll say?
Sep 23, 2014
Sep 23, 2014 at 2:29 PM UTC
My dearest friend
Today I dreamt
And saw the snow
So much it meant
To feel alive
The cold you loved
And risks you took
For who to prove?
Now I ask you
Too late may be
But you're with me
I realized
You were alive
My friend I miss
my dearest friend
Mess up you did
Wish I was there
And you took care
My dearest friend
Today I dreamt
Jan 30, 2013
Jan 30, 2013 at 7:09 AM UTC
For what reason am I alive
If I am alive for a reason
Should I stare at my live go by
Or use little or none wisdom
Maybe I am not the protagonist of the play
But if I think of something to say
Oh one day one day
My heart will beat and make me remember,
I am alive
Jan 30, 2013
Jan 30, 2013 at 7:05 AM UTC
Once again a light day in the sky
Yet my heart is black as night
Because I know I wont grow up
Keep hurting people as life goes by
Once they were a competition
Now they’ve became my complication
When will I stop and look at myself
And realize what I have become
A person that is admired
Because one day she was desired
Keep my mind of my own worries
By drinking or maybe sniffing it
Wake up in the morning and realize
The person next to me is hard to analyze
Maybe there was another fun night
And now the time to think and cry.
Jan 30, 2013
Jan 30, 2013 at 6:50 AM UTC