Does it make you uncomfortable
to think about
what's inside of you?
All packed together,
sealed,
no extra space.
So where am I supposed to keep
all of this emotion?
I learned from my dad
how to keep my feelings
in a shoebox
under my bed
I know
that I need a better place for these
and I know
I don't have any room for them in my heart.
I can tell by
the way they rise up in my throat
every time I see you smile
when you think I'm not looking.
I'm not used to love like this.
Maybe you are,
but I don't think about that.
Actually
I think about it all the time,
it may as well be background noise,
little soundtracks
all laid over each other,
all playing in my head at the same time.
They love to sing
little songs of my unimportance,
of my inadequacy,
and I spend a lot of time shushing them.
I don't ask god
for much
mostly because
I don't think I deserve it.
I ask him
to let me keep you.
I beg him,
this is all I've ever wanted,
I say,
if you give me one thing
in my lifetime,
please make it this.
I'm holding this love
with both hands like it's glass,
like I've never held anything
more precious in my life.
"It's crazy to me that I have all of this inside of me... and to you it's just words"
Apr 15, 2018
Apr 15, 2018 at 8:55 PM UTC
He kissed me
and pulled away
and his cheeks were damp,
when he asked me why
I told him
"I don't cry, I never have,
and I wouldn't cry in front of you.
But everything feels
a little too sharp today,
so if you wanna hold me longer than usual,
that's fine."
If we're being honest,
none of this happened.
I'm in bed pretending my loneliness doesn't have a face.
I'm trying to sleep
but I'm unraveling into your hands.
There's blood,
everywhere,
I can't tell if it's mine or everyone else's.
My vision is red,
my skin is red,
and I thought that wanting someone
so much that it hurts
was a cliche
until I felt this literal ache in my ribs.
Mar 29, 2018
Mar 29, 2018 at 9:44 PM UTC
my heart nearly stopped every time i had to cross the street
so let’s thank the queen for writing it down
before she’s just another thing i have to step over
all the rest have tickled my feet so far
and everything under construction reminds me that these days
the only remedy seems to be better luck and more cloud cover
i’ve been racing to crash on the couch
just to wake up to see if i have time for it all
and i want the stereotype to be true so i have nothing to cry about
with the way things are going
you’d tell me not to be so brutal to myself
but the thrill i used to know is now paying its dues to the concrete
i was almost convinced i wasn’t asleep
when she whispered paris
nothing, everything may have changed
so this is not like anything i’ve never meant:
my heart nearly stopped with the regret of not talking to you
it's hard killing birds when you don't have any stones and
besides this time i think i've really done it
two days and this is already my favorite story but
second chances don't have to be so mysterious
maybe i just wanted to see you smile again
i should have said it w/o one of and the s after the L
still choosing o over x
and your pull showed my hands a home in the back of your denim
two across the channel makes the significant not so, if you want it
i’ll keep looking for you so long as you
don’t stop drawing me maps
if i died in my indecision then
your mouth showed me heaven
you’re the closest thing to purpose
i’ve ever tasted
i wish you knew how much i mean that
Mar 29, 2018
Mar 29, 2018 at 8:56 PM UTC
My heart plays hide and go seek
Sometimes to get away,
Sometimes to see if you’ll chase it
Sometimes we sit in the corner
And listen for your footsteps
You’re all “Tell me what hurts”
And “I’m here for you. Patiently.”
And I’m watching you
Out of the corner of my eye
Unsure, uncertain
Waiting for the last straw,
For whatever will push you away
But you’re here now.
You’re still here
And sometimes there’s only an ache
Where my heart is supposed to be
Because it’s busy getting wrapped up in you
I’m getting so wrapped up in you
I'm strung out like
I bought you on the street
And thought
“I’ll try it just this once”
You never try it just once,
I couldn’t try you just once
You’re in my veins,
People can smell you on my clothes
I can’t wash you out of my hair
I can’t scrub your fingerprints off
God and I don’t talk anymore
But if we did
I’d beg him to let me keep you.
May 21, 2016
May 21, 2016 at 4:35 PM UTC
don't ever go up against my heartlessness;
you'll lose every time.
I lost every time
that I tried
to be anything real,
anything substantial
I'm a ghost
and I know this
I'm a ******* shadow
and all I can do
is follow something real
pretending to be something real
but when it comes down to it
you can't hold my hand,
you can't hold me
I'm baby's favorite flight risk
I'm america's sweetest poltergeist
screaming
and stomping around
like a child
who didn't get her way
and now she's all fire and blood
all messes no one can clean up
she's a fallen angel,
her blast radius is her halo
and she'll drag you down with her
any **** day.
May 13, 2016
May 13, 2016 at 4:43 PM UTC
it makes me want to be reckless.
driving my car too fast,
drinking too much,
I’m throwing it all out the window.
I know this has a hold on you.
what I wouldn’t give to hold on to you.
my hands ache like you’re already gone,
like “please let me touch you just one more time”,
like “it’s gonna be too quiet without you here”.
you’re the only thing I care to listen to lately,
and now that I know what you taste like,
now that I know what your skin feels like,
I don't want to feel anything else.
I hate that I fit so easily with you,
I don’t want to trust it
and it scares the **** out of me.
there’s so much of you
and I want all of it.
I want all of you.
May 6, 2016
May 6, 2016 at 2:13 PM UTC
I think it’s time to stop worrying.
I’ve been consumed with fear,
with thoughts of having the floor drop out from under me,
with memories of that day.
you don’t remember that day like I do.
but here’s the thing-
I’m giving too much to the future.
I’m stealing from my present moments.
they might be the only ones I get to keep,
and they deserve more than to be spent fearing an uncertain future. here’s how I see it.
the best way for me to be okay
is to take this in its simplest form.
what I know for sure-
these are the **** facts, nothing else-
is that I have openness with you.
I have found a very distinctive,
very pure happiness
and I am lucky to have found it.
I’m going to keep it
for as long as it will stay with me.
does that mean I don’t catch myself
wanting the complicated, tangled mess of feelings
that would knock me down in a heartbeat given the chance?
No, I want it.
I’m human, I’m selfish and needy
and I’ve found something wonderful
that I want to keep.
I am practicing my self-control,
for better or worse.
I am practicing disciplining myself,
for better or worse.
without them I would’ve kissed you already.
May 4, 2016
May 4, 2016 at 1:14 AM UTC
something about this is quiet.
it feels as though
I’m in the eye of the hurricane.
everything is swirling around me,
and I can see it all
but it’s so much quieter than it should be.
it’s unsettling.
sometimes people look at you and you can feel it.
you can feel millions of thoughts,
and they’re racing past you
way too quickly for you to keep up with.
I don’t try to keep up anymore.
I’m in the eye of a hurricane
of thoughts and feelings
and I’m taking my time taking in the view.
as long as I can see you, I’m okay.
I’ll be fine, I just need to be able to see you.
something about your steadiness,
something about your consistency.
you are what I look forward to.
May 2, 2016
May 2, 2016 at 12:48 PM UTC
they just won’t shut up about you.
all the little tapping sounds of raindrops on the window,
the leaves shifting
and the world moving on without us.
it doesn’t seem fair.
how dare they all move on without us?
it doesn’t seem right that the sun can rise
like you’re not gone.
how cruel of it to ignore the loss.
even the moon wouldn’t tell me what to do about you.
it looks more and more like I’m in this by myself,
like I’m going to have to dig through all of this myself.
I’m just a little lost, and a lot lonely,
and so stuck on nothing.
that’s the worst part of all of this, I think.
I’m spun up like a hurricane over a lot of nothing.
I’d wait forever for this nothing, though.
maybe that makes it something.
Apr 28, 2016
Apr 28, 2016 at 5:18 PM UTC
here’s the thing: I never expected to have to let you go.
you were ripped away and here I was memorizing your favorite things so I could surprise you with them, here I was drinking my coffee the same way you drink yours.
it all follows me around, you know.
you follow me.
I can’t go anywhere without running into you.
you know you were the first thing I looked forward to-
I mean really treasured-
in forever.
I talk tough. you haven’t known me long enough to know that.
we’ve all been hurt, and we all use our pain differently.
I built a ******* fortress out of my heartbreak.
half a bottle of ***** later,
I can’t remember why I let you in so quickly.
some part of me really wanted you, I guess.
still does, I guess.
but here I am holding my heart in my ******* hands like a sacrifice.
my heart has better places to be, I hope you know.
I hope you know.
I spend a lot of time trying to talk myself out of you.
I ask other people to talk me out of you.
everyone tells me what I want to hear but it only clears my conscience. my mind is made up.
my idiot mind knows full well what it wants,
my heart knows what it wants,
it seems these days like they’re ganging up on me.
I’m tired of answering for my heart and its recklessness.
I’m not sure what to do with this feeling.
I sit across from it in silence. I drink about it at night.
my heart aches and my brain is disgusted with how easily I let this happen.
Oh, how easily I let you happen.
Apr 27, 2016
Apr 27, 2016 at 11:10 PM UTC