I knew what it was before I picked up the phone.
But hearing my sister say, "I'm so sorry but mom is dead."
Hit me like a train, stopped me in my tracks, made me feel so alone.
For hours afterward, my sister's words bounced in my head.
The rest of the day was spent pacing around the living room.
Pacing, and screaming at the top of my lungs,
were the only things I could think of to do.
How could she be gone? Mom was so young.
I barely remember the days that followed.
Hugging my sisters, seeing the body, sorting her stuff.
Laying upon the couch as I wailed and wallowed.
Losing mom broke me because I always saw myself as tough.
Sometimes I forget that it's been more than half a year
I scarcely speak about the most important person in my life.
If I pretend nothing happened, I can imagine she's still here.
I need to do better, keep on living, but the pain is still rife.
I miss her every single day.
The woman who raised me.
There is so much more I need to say.
But I still need to give me time to grieve.
Jul 16, 2020
Jul 16, 2020 at 1:29 AM UTC
Will is sick.
he told me and I didn't say anything.
I feel like such a ****
but he was so full of life and healthy this spring.
I want to help him.
make sure he knows he's loved.
nothing about him was ever this grim.
Will is amazing and so beloved.
Will is sick.
Stage IIB Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
His whole life is in front of him.
Such a wonderful young man.
Will is sick,
and I just want to save him.
Jun 14, 2020
Jun 14, 2020 at 11:27 PM UTC
It seems I can only write about love.
Which is weird because I am completely alone.
There is no one in the world who I want to hug
And not a single person, place, or thing I can call home.
Maybe it's that I am writing for someone else?
A stranger who needs to read loving words.
I think I write for everyone but myself.
I can’t pretend that being this lonely doesn’t hurt.
I think this is irony, but I am not sure.
My life feels pitiful and stupid.
There is not much more I can endure.
Perhaps love is just not something for which I am suited.
Alas, I will continue to write.
Because it is the only thing I can do.
My silly little poems give me life.
Even though reading my beautiful words make me blue.
Jun 8, 2020
Jun 8, 2020 at 10:05 PM UTC
I want you to hold my hand
While we sit in the corner booth—
letting the world pass us by.
I hope you will be my safe place to land,
The shining light of my youth
The other wing that helps me fly.
I want to touch your skin—all warm and tanned
While we sip martinis of gin and vermouth
My head on your chest and your hand on my thigh.
Jun 7, 2020
Jun 7, 2020 at 2:24 PM UTC
"I love poetry",
I say
as I sit
crying
in my bed.
Love
what these words
do to me.
The feelings
that I get
in my body
and my head.
May 20, 2020
May 20, 2020 at 6:17 AM UTC
I keep watching the same movies and shows.
witnessing the same stories day after day.
I like this because I know how everything goes.
calmness washes over me as I recite what the characters say.
my tired soul cannot stand anymore change.
so exhausted, I feel as though I am fading away.
while I know this habit of mine is strange,
nothing feels better than watching familiar credits after I press play.
May 16, 2020
May 16, 2020 at 11:11 PM UTC
i don't think he loves me.
that is such a strong word.
but this man is a complete stranger
yet he could tell me every single fact about myself.
it's just my physical qualities that he sees.
thinking this is more would just be absurd.
i cannot imagine myself in any danger
of falling in love
May 13, 2020
May 13, 2020 at 12:00 AM UTC
unable to sleep and staring at the wall
questioning all that i did wrong during the day
maybe i should get up and pace the hall?
but i can't seem to rise from bed upon which i lay
i long to close my eyes and drift off
into a dreamscape that is happier than my life
Apr 24, 2020
Apr 24, 2020 at 6:15 AM UTC
i want to fall in love before i die
i want this so badly that sometimes i cry
someone to share my cheap red wine
someone who is mine and only mine
Apr 18, 2020
Apr 18, 2020 at 3:50 AM UTC