christinael - Hello Poetry

In retrospect, it has been nothing but it is such a big, big thing to live. I cast my brain upon balconies seven heavens high. When my train flattened a man, I wished it were me. I feel like I've lived more lives than words they use to say "You wouldn't know". You wouldn't know what I have to do to get the tears to flow never mind the fragments of breath that try to sink when I sail them. The scintillation of just one problem is enough to short circuit me. I shouldn't have to worry but I do. Unknowingly creating loopholes in each defiance I now call a luxury. I don't want to live so why should I know how to?

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Mar 1

Mar 1, 2026 at 6:18 PM UTC

You wouldnt know

In retrospect, it has been nothing but it is such a big, big thing to live. I cast my brain upon balconies seven heavens high. When my train flattened a man, I wished it were me. I feel like I've lived more lives than words they use to say "You wouldn't know". You wouldn't know what I have to do to get the tears to flow never mind the fragments of breath that try to sink when I sail them. The scintillation of just one problem is enough to short circuit me. I shouldn't have to worry but I do. Unknowingly creating loopholes in each defiance I now call a luxury. I don't want to live so why should I know how to?

16

You leeched me away from myself When I’d just walked away from a blade. The evidence was disappearing… Now it’s back with a vengeance. Half sight is half understanding. I sat on your floor and ate your promises. Recognised the soul tie From my thousandth year of research. I was out for blood… Yours was running from a tap. Lapping it up, it fuelled me with melody Till I couldn’t breathe Couldn’t see Couldn’t speak Choked out but’s Having believed your presence was love.

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 7:42 AM UTC

Leech

You leeched me away from myself When I’d just walked away from a blade. The evidence was disappearing… Now it’s back with a vengeance. Half sight is half understanding. I sat on your floor and ate your promises. Recognised the soul tie From my thousandth year of research. I was out for blood… Yours was running from a tap. Lapping it up, it fuelled me with melody Till I couldn’t breathe Couldn’t see Couldn’t speak Choked out but’s Having believed your presence was love.

16

Suddenly the subway isn’t imaginary You’re starting to understand me. I put your muted words in a safe place One I won’t speak of to anyone else. Even I don’t know where As long as I never lose them. I’ll keep dying my hair while you die for the music And when the time comes, I’ll ask Is this the feeling in which we’ve been searching? I don’t even know your star sign. But sure. You’ll reply. You make me feel less alone You keep me getting on the train. Speeding back to argue with you To put you in your place. Say my name as a goodbye After ghostly anecdotes. Dumb analogy’s That have me bringing my knees to my chin. Hugging myself, imagining it’s you But you’re not imaginary. Space boy.

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 7:41 AM UTC

Space boy

Suddenly the subway isn’t imaginary You’re starting to understand me. I put your muted words in a safe place One I won’t speak of to anyone else. Even I don’t know where As long as I never lose them. I’ll keep dying my hair while you die for the music And when the time comes, I’ll ask Is this the feeling in which we’ve been searching? I don’t even know your star sign. But sure. You’ll reply. You make me feel less alone You keep me getting on the train. Speeding back to argue with you To put you in your place. Say my name as a goodbye After ghostly anecdotes. Dumb analogy’s That have me bringing my knees to my chin. Hugging myself, imagining it’s you But you’re not imaginary. Space boy.

22

“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” I say as I proceed to rinse my hands clean of love. The contrast between words and actions is strong, causes pangs in both parties’ hearts. That’s not to say either of us have a heart… that leaves a lot to be desired. We’ve been living in shyness Staring each other down like the other will run. But despite the want to cut the invisible string before it stings… I can’t. You never caught my eye and we never kissed that night but even so, I felt an overstretching glow That came in August, the bloodlust, the unexpected hook up And you never know, it might not be love. Hopefully not love. Hopefully the invisible string is enough. Cause I don’t wanna hurt you No, I don’t wanna hurt you.

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 7:33 AM UTC

Invisible string

“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” I say as I proceed to rinse my hands clean of love. The contrast between words and actions is strong, causes pangs in both parties’ hearts. That’s not to say either of us have a heart… that leaves a lot to be desired. We’ve been living in shyness Staring each other down like the other will run. But despite the want to cut the invisible string before it stings… I can’t. You never caught my eye and we never kissed that night but even so, I felt an overstretching glow That came in August, the bloodlust, the unexpected hook up And you never know, it might not be love. Hopefully not love. Hopefully the invisible string is enough. Cause I don’t wanna hurt you No, I don’t wanna hurt you.

12

Her heart rumbles I could take her out for dinner Same thing, same flavours I’m in her taste buds Licking her stains clean Sipping lemonade, nibbling her skin’s pain We’re feeding like vampires Junkies, cannibals. Her curves are mûrren My chest burns at her slopes The quiet drops Of eyes, lights, breaths, death, heart, art Fresh water fountains, her goldfish tongue Coursing down my throat Lucerne lift forever, grey hair together Until the last rain of her beloved fall.

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 7:27 AM UTC

Mûrren

Her heart rumbles I could take her out for dinner Same thing, same flavours I’m in her taste buds Licking her stains clean Sipping lemonade, nibbling her skin’s pain We’re feeding like vampires Junkies, cannibals. Her curves are mûrren My chest burns at her slopes The quiet drops Of eyes, lights, breaths, death, heart, art Fresh water fountains, her goldfish tongue Coursing down my throat Lucerne lift forever, grey hair together Until the last rain of her beloved fall.

16

The shard overlooking my flat Is a protector who vowed to keep me starry eyed As the night got quiet but not too quiet I was at war at what it should be like. It didn’t exactly feel safe but it was home And now I’m not home. I miss blending in with those who thought I was too tame and shy, Striding through the traffic like a butterfly On edge but excited. Struggling artist, mannequins, rushing, drowning, dying, staying anyway. It’s what I hungered for and I took it away All because I’m alone I didn’t know what to do… And now villanelle’s bridge, my balcony, keyboard, the man near the sign of hope who looked like a rockstar… it’s all close by but gone My shattered shard in bits.

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 7:25 AM UTC

The shard

The shard overlooking my flat Is a protector who vowed to keep me starry eyed As the night got quiet but not too quiet I was at war at what it should be like. It didn’t exactly feel safe but it was home And now I’m not home. I miss blending in with those who thought I was too tame and shy, Striding through the traffic like a butterfly On edge but excited. Struggling artist, mannequins, rushing, drowning, dying, staying anyway. It’s what I hungered for and I took it away All because I’m alone I didn’t know what to do… And now villanelle’s bridge, my balcony, keyboard, the man near the sign of hope who looked like a rockstar… it’s all close by but gone My shattered shard in bits.

17

I wish I had medications So my pain didn’t come out in excuses. Everybody’s shy but me? I wanna die. No one understands complexities until they reach for a thousand years Deeper, deeper and deeper still And even then I don’t get a sympathetic ear. Benzos: I learnt the name from a book Not from the mouth of a doctor I saw a few times until the receptionist said “You’re here AGAIN?” My mum didn’t see the traits Of every illness that clogged my body like arsenic… good job I couldn’t get hold of a lighter like everybody else could. I’ve spun around my world so many times At my big age I should know how to balance But I still feel so weak As if my legs will give way Any. Second. Now. I wish I could pop a pill Line them up in little boxes Save myself from drunkenness to mask the stuttering and shame You KNOW the only way to prove I want to die…

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 7:22 AM UTC

Medications

I wish I had medications So my pain didn’t come out in excuses. Everybody’s shy but me? I wanna die. No one understands complexities until they reach for a thousand years Deeper, deeper and deeper still And even then I don’t get a sympathetic ear. Benzos: I learnt the name from a book Not from the mouth of a doctor I saw a few times until the receptionist said “You’re here AGAIN?” My mum didn’t see the traits Of every illness that clogged my body like arsenic… good job I couldn’t get hold of a lighter like everybody else could. I’ve spun around my world so many times At my big age I should know how to balance But I still feel so weak As if my legs will give way Any. Second. Now. I wish I could pop a pill Line them up in little boxes Save myself from drunkenness to mask the stuttering and shame You KNOW the only way to prove I want to die…

21

Estranging The sky is purple And all I can do is think about how loud I was about you. It’s raining but it’s humid The page glowing, my heart growing Piano and guitar signalling That this isn’t gonna draw to a close Any time soon. The planes make their noise Its passengers having no clue About the girl beneath them With her phone torch on as the light fades Lilac to bluebell chemtrails Lilacs to hell and betrayal Not from you but from the elastic roads and estranging moon.

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 7:21 AM UTC

Estranging

Estranging The sky is purple And all I can do is think about how loud I was about you. It’s raining but it’s humid The page glowing, my heart growing Piano and guitar signalling That this isn’t gonna draw to a close Any time soon. The planes make their noise Its passengers having no clue About the girl beneath them With her phone torch on as the light fades Lilac to bluebell chemtrails Lilacs to hell and betrayal Not from you but from the elastic roads and estranging moon.

15

Boyish, boyish boy So typical, you play guitar The boring way The boy way The want my body way You’re not the first to make me compromise My learning with my **** Brown eyes scoping Italy Over my thighs, the ones you snap Compare to yours Knowing **** well I tried to starve them E string size. You’ve got no lips I’m kissing your cupids bow Foul, foul morning breath You take pride in not smelling But you smell like rotting meat Meat with hair, too much hair Even on the back I’m supposed to scratch And you call me awkward Blood on my chest I don’t know how you ******* dare Grab my breast one more time I’ll ******* **** you ******* boy.

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 7:18 AM UTC

Boyish boy

Boyish, boyish boy So typical, you play guitar The boring way The boy way The want my body way You’re not the first to make me compromise My learning with my **** Brown eyes scoping Italy Over my thighs, the ones you snap Compare to yours Knowing **** well I tried to starve them E string size. You’ve got no lips I’m kissing your cupids bow Foul, foul morning breath You take pride in not smelling But you smell like rotting meat Meat with hair, too much hair Even on the back I’m supposed to scratch And you call me awkward Blood on my chest I don’t know how you ******* dare Grab my breast one more time I’ll ******* **** you ******* boy.

24

The fairy times We flap our arms like wings We take off Like the plane of other worlds The plane that gives my ears pain. Dreams I only dream here Beds don’t give me imagination Don’t make my legs shake I read about snakes, tattoos of snakes, Speaking of snakes back home I admit I’ve never seen mountains before The lift to the clouds Is another dream but less pointless It suits me, it engulfs me It has me for breakfast left out on the road It’s a walk in heaven Bends, mends to my heart Looking for the roots of my imprisonment I find myself growing with the lilacs Out of the belly of the cow.

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 7:16 AM UTC

Walk in heaven

The fairy times We flap our arms like wings We take off Like the plane of other worlds The plane that gives my ears pain. Dreams I only dream here Beds don’t give me imagination Don’t make my legs shake I read about snakes, tattoos of snakes, Speaking of snakes back home I admit I’ve never seen mountains before The lift to the clouds Is another dream but less pointless It suits me, it engulfs me It has me for breakfast left out on the road It’s a walk in heaven Bends, mends to my heart Looking for the roots of my imprisonment I find myself growing with the lilacs Out of the belly of the cow.

20