and the truth of the matter is that i am your lesson but you are not mine.
you were not my first real love or heartbreak
you are not the first person to teach me that giving yourself to someone means getting little in return
means leaving a breadcrumb trail of your shattered heart in the wake of what was
means reaching for something in a dark room with all the hope in your chest and finding nothing
you were also not my first round of mistakes
not the first time i realized i let love go too early
not the first time i said goodbye before i meant it
before i needed it
not the first time id crawl back
foot down my throat immobilizing my apologies
you were also not my first dive in head first
my first give everything whole heartedly
my first act before you think before you speak before you fall
because falling comes with breaking comes with heartache
but i was yours.
i am yours.
your firsts.
so you will miss me more than i miss you
you will see me in every person who crosses your path just like i saw him in you
you will compare my blue green eyes to her brown ones and my touch to her hands
and you will not forget my name
or the way i tasted
or the way my laughter filled your dark room
or the weekends we locked ourselves in your room for hours and never needed anything outside those four walls
and you will regret
you will regret not memorizing the stretch marks that line my inner thighs
you will regret not engraving the memory of my eyes
you will regret not capturing the feeling of my head laid across your chest
our bodies tangled together
memorizing one another
and that is okay.
you were never mature enough to give as much as i was
you were never ready to skip the mistakes and the meaningless apologies
you were not ready to love me the way i needed
and that is okay.
when the next girl comes around you will notice her nose is slightly shaped differently than mine
it doesnt feel the same under your kisses
it doesnt crinkle the way you used to love mine to do
but you will love her anyways
and this time it will be the way i loved you
the way that knows how to love
is ready to love
the way that gives and expects nothing in return but still keeps giving
you will remember to cherish her and i hope she has already learned her lessons as well
and when you realize we could have been everything you ever promised me we would be
when you wake up one morning and piece together the puzzle that was our mess
when you finally understand that this love could’ve changed the world
i will smile in your direction and wish you the best
because we all needed those lessons,
i just wish i didnt have to be yours.
Jul 9, 2019
Jul 9, 2019 at 11:40 PM UTC
shadow puppet reflections of our memories dance around every corner i encounter
because i shared them all with you
Jul 7, 2019
Jul 7, 2019 at 10:26 PM UTC
waking up to you doesnt call for alarm
clocks and coffee
it calls for sleepy smiles before the sun is even up
trailing soft kisses across each others skin
feeling
learning
remembering
engraving
every part of the other
its impossible to not be a morning person
when my mornings begin with you
my insomnia isnt so bad if youre the one im next to
you see mornings without you are colder
i wake up slower
my body searches for yours like it knows its you it wants to be next to
and im not saying our bodies have to be entangled
im not saying our hands or our lips need to be all over each other
im just saying your presence feels a lot like safety
feels a lot like something im always searching for
feels a lot like home
so when i say i miss you i mean i miss you
not just your body
or your kisses
or your hands on me
i mean i miss you
and the way you make me feel
i miss how easily i drift off knowing youre near
i miss shaking from my sleep but calmness covering me because youre there
and yes
i love coffee
and ive always loved sun rises
but theres something about slow sunday mornings with you
theres something about feeling you next to me
theres something about you
that makes everything that much more surreal
makes everything that much easier
makes each moment worth remembering
and i may not always believe in a god
but i pray
and i pray
and i pray again
that my mornings will be filled with you
and your sleepy smiles
and your soft kisses
and more of you
because im not sure ill ever find a person or a place that feels more like home than you do
and i definitely dont want to
so i hope theres a god listening
and i hope we make it till the end
because waking up without you is not something i want to get used to
its a dreadful morning
filled with alarm clocks and too sweet coffee
when instead i want the sun to shine through the blinds
and see
you and me
happy
see
you and me
together
see
you and me
every morning
safe and in love
Jun 10, 2019
Jun 10, 2019 at 8:18 PM UTC
and it all restarts
you keep me up laughing until 2 am again
and i am ice in your warm palm
melting after just managing to return back to ice
my eyes always find yours no matter where we are
they know what home looks like
my mouth reflexes into a smile
they know where happiness lives
and i know
after months of swearing you off for the second time
third time
tenth time
i should move on
but you are written into the making of my being
and i know that no matter the fight
no matter the time we spend apart
no matter the hatred we swear we have for each other
we will always find our way back to one another
i will always spend one last night in your bed
and it will never be the last night
because you are where i belong
we could be in any city
in any galaxy
in any lifetime
and you are who i would be looking for
i am cold without you
distant
a person not too fond of love and thats not who i want to be
so im here
arms wide open
forever and always
regardless of what anyone has to say
and i know you’re right there too
ready to take on the world with me
Mar 7, 2019
Mar 7, 2019 at 10:59 PM UTC
its okay to be broken before you find time to heal
its okay to cry yourself to sleep
two nights in a row or ten
its okay to feel like you’ve lost everything
and to mourn that
to lock yourself in your room to avoid any sunlight
but you have to get back up
you have to remind yourself that you were fine before and you will be fine after
you have to start smiling at puppies again
and craving your favorite foods
you have to start living again
despite the ache your body has not to
because things will get better
one day youll wake up and forget the way the tears tasted
youll wake up and forget you were ever in pain at all
youll wake up and be okay
but thats only if you allow yourself to be
so yes
cry
cry an ocean and label it with his name
but remember that it is still your ocean
remember your body built something so beautiful without him
promise yourself that one day
youll sail across that ocean
and never even remember his name
yes
hide in your room
forget what sunlight feels like
so that when you finally decide to
re-emerge
youll relearn how sunlight feels
and this time it wont be attached to his name
but attached to your survival
yes
miss him
write poems solely about the color of his eyes
and the shape of his smile
and then remind yourself that only you have the ability to paint him that pretty
that beautiful
only you have the ability to turn thunderstorms into sunlight
so do it
remember
that its okay to be broken
its okay to wish yourself away
but only for a little while
you must remember
that time will not stop for your sorrow
and you shouldn’t stop for him
remember
there will be days when all you feel is the absence of his love
but the days that follow will show you that the absence of that is better than the presence
remember
if you are strong enough to be vulnerable to his love
you are strong enough to live without it
so do
Nov 18, 2018
Nov 18, 2018 at 5:23 PM UTC
my poetry became less about loving you
and more about missing you
not allowing myself to say your name
in hopes i would forget it
my poetry became less about being with you
and more about being without you
reminiscing on cold nights
but refusing to acknowledge you were the missing warmth
my poetry became less about needing you
and more about needing to move on
forgetting to water the dying parts of myself
hoping they were the parts still attatched to you
my poetry became less about loving you
and more about trying not to
ignoring the ache my body had for yours
in hopes it would vanish
just like you managed to do.
Jun 26, 2018
Jun 26, 2018 at 2:35 AM UTC
you were my secret
my late night thoughts
my hidden glances
his hands were on my body but i only felt your absence
heartache is unexplainable when you trap words inside your stomach
digest them and oppress them
become an empty void of unsaid apologies
i never wanted to swallow you
or this
or us
but you became my secret
you became my what ifs
and my second guesses
i allowed everyones opinions to fill the void you left
kept my eyes opened when he kissed me so i wouldnt see you
you have been my nothing for so long
yet somehow still my everything
and i want so badly to undo it
to go back to captured moments with the two of us smiling
i crave nothing but your lips
and your time
and you
so please
grab my hand and trust this one last time
jump head first into something thats already broken the both of us
and lets hope it mends the both of us
please
just give this one last chance
and i promise to love you with everything in me
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 3:28 AM UTC
drive away
way too fast
"where are we going?"
far away from the darkened past
graze my skin
with your hand
it's called an adventure
when it isn't planned
darkened streets
lit by small light
and that smile of yours
that's so very bright
i looked at you
and my heart skipped a beat
your lips touched mine
nothing has ever tasted so sweet
your half smile
your bright blue eyes
they make me forget
all his lies
so hold me tight
and kiss me slow
you don't have to love me
just don't let me go
Sep 12, 2017
Sep 12, 2017 at 6:21 PM UTC
i want to memorize every inch of your body but also every inch of your mind. i want to know how many freckles you have across your back but also whether you believe in heaven and hell. i want to hold your body close as our breathing becomes in sync but also hold your secrets deep inside of me. i want to kiss your mouth so many times you memorize the taste of me but also say so many words to you that you can replay my voice in your mind when im not around. i want to love you with my heart, body, soul, and mind and i will do everything in my power to make you feel that love.
Jul 24, 2017
Jul 24, 2017 at 2:42 AM UTC
she hurt us
We talk about the scars
That she gave us
The deep cuts and betrayals
That were caused by her lust
We mention the nightmares
That keep us awake
The crying and the screaming
All the happiness she tries to take
we will be okay
We laugh together
Trying to forget the past
Having fun and helping each other
This friendship is the one to last.
Nov 19, 2016
Nov 19, 2016 at 9:45 AM UTC