its been a while,
and my dear one, you're one of the very few who actually know about the existence of this.
i would love to thank you for loving me,
quite unconditionally and teaching me about what love can and cannot do.
i truly am over the love we had,
i tumbled into things i never thought i could achieve.
ive met wonderful people and achieved great heights of intellectual conversations i thought i've lost.
i gained back the edges, cutting through the desolate landscape of the world that i use to feel apathy towards.
these people ive met along the way shaped me into who am i, and made me clear of purpose.
i have to write in order to let myself remember in the future,
this was what i had.
to a,
you were something more of an infatuation and quicksand of self destruction.
i met you when i fell off the ledge of a relationship that turned out to be emotionally abusive for both ends.
shattered expectations and broken visions,
i thought i deserve the worst for inflicting pain upon others.
hence i was attracted to non-committal things like plastic cutleries, paper cups, napkins
and you.
where you use and trash.
you pulled my heartstrings and made me anxious, as i was also doing the same to you, i assume
with unreplied texts and flirty converses.
alcohol filled nights,
and those nights where your mouth meets the softest part of me,
where i give in to the pleasure of an illusion of being loved.
this did not last long,
i was too afraid, like a deer in the headlights.
fight or flight, of which i did both, fighting off my feelings and flight as you were using me as i was you.
to k,
i wish you didnt have to leave,
much as i hated the british accent,
i definitely did not hate you.
i truly wish id spent more time with you
that evening at an empty reggae bar,
grinding and making moves on each other was far from being enough.
i want to continue laughing at you for being a hairy gorilla,
getting distracted by changkat and all the sober drinks we had.
it made the night even more real,
that we did not need substance to know that we were attracted.
and you stopped when i said no.
i think i fell a little then.
that other evening where we stayed in because it rained.
you didnt murmur sweet nothings,
you made sure i liked everything instead,
asking if i was comfortable, slowly tracing fingers and tongue upon my skin,
then setting ablaze a wildfire which left both of us slick with sweat.
all the ****** fluids weren't in vain,
trickling and forming a puddle of complicated emotions i cannot name and fathom.
both nights with neon lights in our eyes,
we could only see each other.
in broad day,
i was your lover, the one you want to hug and carry and give all attention to.
aye habibi,
if and only if.
i was truly grateful for what we had.
to l,
i met you during the brink of one of your hardest time.
i thought i wouldnt have a chance,
and i didnt know i could like someone of my gender this much, yet.
i love how you act,
and your certainty, and honesty.
i have to be honest, and say i dont know how i feel yet,
i feel unprepared, but i want you,
that i know for certain.
i like you, your humor,
your chipmunk cheeks
you and ice cream.
you're a broad daydream and somewhat of a special snowflake i want to appreciate the beauty of.
give me some time will ya.
Dec 16, 2016
Dec 16, 2016 at 1:09 AM UTC
"are you going to **** around just to get back at me?"
no.
i just want you back.
Mar 22, 2016
Mar 22, 2016 at 12:07 PM UTC
SF. or known as the bay.
it's 3:11 am and i am hopelessly reminiscing over the cold mist
constantly over the Golden Gate.
maybe they're just like the rest of us,
trying to cross the bridge
off to somewhere else.
as all of those who had jumped off.
off to somewhere better.
i miss the secret breakfast or dulche de leche
exclusively available at humphry slocombe
nestled between the hoods of the spanish speaking
¿hablas espanol?
roll the tips of your tongue like you mean it
as you feel the bourbon melt off the tip of it
just like any human body would.
and i had always secretly hoped
that the sandy blond hair and green eyed
regular over the counter
would scoop me up just like that ice cream out of the tub.
i miss lee and steiner
who basically are my ride or die's
over the last summer.
who swear to love me
over my insecurities
with theirs.
those 2 am giggling and yelling over spiders or a boy's text.
12 pm groggily teeth and hair brushing or blush and mascara applying.
the struggle remains between shorts tights or jeans,
a thin cardigan will suffice
but you know you're going to regret it
as you shiver so hard
on the side of the open muni station at 6pm when the sky darkens at the blink of an eye
with that hobo next to you bracing it everyday business
tomorrow.
I AM NOT RISKING IT TOMORROW AND HELL YEAH I'M BRINGING MY PARKA.
come tomorrow
vanity always wins in the end
as you decide nobody will see your #ootd underneath those layers.
pride parade had always been a big thing.
as you squeeze through the crowd to the end of the tenderloin
you decide that sometimes,
penises are just not your thing out in the open.
but hey those tutu's and rainbows
and ******* plastered with heart shaped stickers were at least worthwhile.
you do support LGBT after all.
more even when there's a scenery.
not to mention
that occupied corner
always ready to slip a slice of *** over when you need it
fearless of the SFPD.
eyeing the whole trade happening.
viva la vida.
is that stash lasting long enough for you to write the next pop hits?
sipping on the peets you got over at mission
you always wondered why is starbucks always so crowded with writers and chatters alike.
but constantly in the rush
you wished you had the time for that urban outfitters at union square
if and only if,
you'll just probably end up at the ones over at fillmore.
should you give in and just stumble into the mess of the forever 21 instead.
ah decisions.
i will never forget that night where we got back from sf and got stranded in the towns of santa rosa.
waiting for a ride.
journey to remember,
always.
Aug 30, 2015
Aug 30, 2015 at 4:28 PM UTC
a new boy whom i thought would be different.
thanks for all the midnight kisses and love bites left on my neck.
i guess i wasn't intriguing enough for you to stay.
i carry all the shadows with me
was willing to throw it off for once
but you left and never came back
after
i guess that was a wrong decision after all
just a quick question
why'd you pretend that you cared.
Mar 24, 2015
Mar 24, 2015 at 5:13 AM UTC
you whispered "i want you" in my ears
i giggled
"you dont need to pull off rom-com lines, i do like you"
i knew i am the one who is going to crumble
as you traced my inner thigh with your lips
regardless of the stretch marks i have
slowly closing in my heart
pleasing me.
proceeding on teaching me how to please you.
i couldn't hold myself together because
after.
you kissed the top of my head
cheeks, then lips.
then you held me in your arms
legs tangled under the sheets
your hands playing with my fingers
tenderly
later murmuring goodnight as you stroked my back.
i couldn't remember how many goodnight kisses we exchanged
we fell asleep with my face against your shoulder as i kissed your neck and breathed deliberately on it when you said it tickled.
always had to drive home alone half awake
before your mother wakes up
i will not forget the hostility of your brother
as he eyed me walking in your house to your room.
he was the one who saved us from cops
charging us misconduct by making out in your backseat.
yes my dear.
i am trouble.
maybe you decided that it was too much.
you wanted a sweet, little thing who would not give you attitude and would comply with little nice dates over coffee.
instead of me.
conceited.
who knew her worth and wouldn't settle.
and loves to drink and date multiple guys at once.
i guess i am a *****
i was willing to be different for you.
you loved me scratching your back.
batman
music
the best resolution on pixar films
and also cuddling.
but
i guess i will never understand why
you never loved me.
i wasn't enough. maybe.
Feb 1, 2015
Feb 1, 2015 at 8:57 AM UTC
yes,
i am that ***** who made you buy shisha, **** and wine
i have no sense of content,
and will never be content.
you offered love,
but i prefer something physical,
like making it.
i hate it when you text me all the time,
even though i secretly like it too.
so what if you're older by 9 years.
you're desperate and i can taste it between your lips after you downed beer and wanted a kiss.
which tasted bitter.
sloppy kisses are the worst but that's all you get from me.
you wanted things i couldn't give.
i love pretty boys
someone who can follow when i start singing Vincent.
you are not the one.
i just love the way you beg me to stay for the night.
after trying your best to satisfy me.
you say you want my feelings, but heck,
you get *****
and that's all you're going to get.
Dec 19, 2014
Dec 19, 2014 at 12:35 PM UTC
front sleeve pockets are for hearts
that are carefully folded into halves.
Dec 7, 2014
Dec 7, 2014 at 11:07 AM UTC
boys don't cry,
but they sob in their hearts.
barbie's skinny,
but she'll never tell you
bulimia is a *****
there are things in this world
that we don't know.
just like how Jane didn't know her lover has a mad wife.
just like you didn't know jamie has dyslexia.
and how i don't know how to finish this poem.
Nov 20, 2014
Nov 20, 2014 at 1:09 AM UTC
****** it, can you not be so condescending!!!!!"
"me?! you just always think you're the right one!!!"
...
marriage.
a decision made at a moment of impulse.
to tie your fate to another person,
and spending most of your time to make it work.
i thought love was to make the person happy.
it isn't.
it was about making the person make you happy.
the desire to have control over one another.
wrestling.
ultimately,
a game of power.
a game where you make someone bow before you.
meaningless lies and promises to gain trust.
"i'm sorry love. i'm so sorry. it's all my fault. let's not do it again."
just to break it again.
the cycle continues.
and we just wish that love will make this all work out.
but my dear,
love itself does not equal marriage.
and it will never.
I love you,
and i mean it.
can we not go on with this.
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 10:57 AM UTC
there is only 10 days left till my birthday.
don't tell me happy birthday.
i won't be happy on my birthday.
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 10:30 AM UTC