casey-ann - Hello Poetry

I can feel winter coming. It’s more than the wind that scrapes me every time I’m forced to go outside, it’s more than the ice in the air every time I breath, spiraling away from me like smoke. It’s the ice that’s settling into the pit of my stomach, the pit of my soul. I can feel myself freezing. I don’t remember warmth, I live in the dark. I’ve got nothing and no one to keep me from this hailstorm It’s the ice in my mind, every morning taking longer and longer to thaw, no matter how many pills I feed it It’s the ice in my bones, freezing me in place. Movement isn’t impossible, it’s painful, and the cracks are starting to show through I know what I do in winter. I cry in winter, in the morning when I realize I’m awake and in the night when I realize I’m alone I don’t walk in winter, I shuffle and I dig myself deeper into the ground with every footstep I think too much in winter, I think myself in circles around the room and sometimes 6 feet below the ground, no longer pacing heart no longer beating or burning I know who I am in winter I am a shadow in winter, the absence of light I am a girl, just a girl, and hardly old enough to die, but apparently old enough to barely live I am a fool in winter, who looks for warmth and finds a fire, enjoying the burns because she’s missed the sensation of feeling I am alone in winter, because no one hears this story, and no one knows how far into the ground I fall I hope to survive in winter, because that’s the most I can ask for

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Nov 15, 2015

Nov 15, 2015 at 3:32 PM UTC

casey-ann

winter will

I can feel winter coming. It’s more than the wind that scrapes me every time I’m forced to go outside, it’s more than the ice in the air every time I breath, spiraling away from me like smoke. It’s the ice that’s settling into the pit of my stomach, the pit of my soul. I can feel myself freezing. I don’t remember warmth, I live in the dark. I’ve got nothing and no one to keep me from this hailstorm It’s the ice in my mind, every morning taking longer and longer to thaw, no matter how many pills I feed it It’s the ice in my bones, freezing me in place. Movement isn’t impossible, it’s painful, and the cracks are starting to show through I know what I do in winter. I cry in winter, in the morning when I realize I’m awake and in the night when I realize I’m alone I don’t walk in winter, I shuffle and I dig myself deeper into the ground with every footstep I think too much in winter, I think myself in circles around the room and sometimes 6 feet below the ground, no longer pacing heart no longer beating or burning I know who I am in winter I am a shadow in winter, the absence of light I am a girl, just a girl, and hardly old enough to die, but apparently old enough to barely live I am a fool in winter, who looks for warmth and finds a fire, enjoying the burns because she’s missed the sensation of feeling I am alone in winter, because no one hears this story, and no one knows how far into the ground I fall I hope to survive in winter, because that’s the most I can ask for

18

xs and os trickle down to me Through the wind or sometimes free The words slip through like silk, like sand I reach, but they slip out of my hand They’re stamped on my forehead, but those only burn I want the xs and os that you earn I want the xs and os so real and so raw I crawl my way out of this pseudo-withdrawl Build me a house out of xs and os, use them to sing me to sleep Whisper the words towards me at night, maybe these ones I can keep

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Sep 1, 2015

Sep 1, 2015 at 10:45 PM UTC

casey-ann

x/o

xs and os trickle down to me Through the wind or sometimes free The words slip through like silk, like sand I reach, but they slip out of my hand They’re stamped on my forehead, but those only burn I want the xs and os that you earn I want the xs and os so real and so raw I crawl my way out of this pseudo-withdrawl Build me a house out of xs and os, use them to sing me to sleep Whisper the words towards me at night, maybe these ones I can keep

10

It’s been awhile since I’ve slept But I’m sleepwalking everyday They say this city never sleeps Been empty since you walked away Mama, find me a wishing well They say time travel isn’t real And I’m all grown, live on my own Got nothing but time, but these wounds won’t heal Momma find me a mockingbird They say the universe still expands Time is relative, so I’ve heard But how did you slip through my hands? It’s dark at night, still, even here I think I’m only cold when I’m alone They say adults shouldn’t have these fears But I’m not an adult, I’m just big-boned Even these textbooks read like fiction Watching all these people's lives Rub my hands to generate friction Making sure I’m still alive So close your eyes and stop your protesting Absorb what little oxygen your lungs still take Pretend you’re perfectly, peacefully resting Maybe your body will forget that it’s fake

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Jun 11, 2015

Jun 11, 2015 at 10:00 PM UTC

casey-ann

A lullaby for those like me

It’s been awhile since I’ve slept But I’m sleepwalking everyday They say this city never sleeps Been empty since you walked away Mama, find me a wishing well They say time travel isn’t real And I’m all grown, live on my own Got nothing but time, but these wounds won’t heal Momma find me a mockingbird They say the universe still expands Time is relative, so I’ve heard But how did you slip through my hands? It’s dark at night, still, even here I think I’m only cold when I’m alone They say adults shouldn’t have these fears But I’m not an adult, I’m just big-boned Even these textbooks read like fiction Watching all these people's lives Rub my hands to generate friction Making sure I’m still alive So close your eyes and stop your protesting Absorb what little oxygen your lungs still take Pretend you’re perfectly, peacefully resting Maybe your body will forget that it’s fake

24

And while I’m staring up at the ceiling or staring into the bottom of a glass or staring straight through the smile on my mirror I just sometimes get so tired Tired like my skeletal system is tired of being a skeletal system and being the one thing that keeps this mess of soft tissues and sharp edges in its upright and locked position Tired like my mind is an old slide reel projector that’s been playing for days if not weeks and the film is starting to corrode Tired like if I were just to empty my lungs, and my body were to forget to remind me to refill them, I might just let it Tired like I’m sure the soles of my shoes must have carved canyons into the concrete by now, because erosion is a two-way street Tired like if universal entropy is really how this planet is going to go, then I’m content to sleep until I become nothing but a soupy mass of atoms spinning through absolutely nothing Tired like I’m sitting up in bed, avoiding checking the time, watching the blades of my fan spin and thinking about sine waves, the face of the clock is blinking but I can’t catch a wink, and every two minutes my mind shakes me awake and takes me on a field trip and I have to let it

0

Jun 11, 2015

Jun 11, 2015 at 9:20 PM UTC

casey-ann

Today, Tired

And while I’m staring up at the ceiling or staring into the bottom of a glass or staring straight through the smile on my mirror I just sometimes get so tired Tired like my skeletal system is tired of being a skeletal system and being the one thing that keeps this mess of soft tissues and sharp edges in its upright and locked position Tired like my mind is an old slide reel projector that’s been playing for days if not weeks and the film is starting to corrode Tired like if I were just to empty my lungs, and my body were to forget to remind me to refill them, I might just let it Tired like I’m sure the soles of my shoes must have carved canyons into the concrete by now, because erosion is a two-way street Tired like if universal entropy is really how this planet is going to go, then I’m content to sleep until I become nothing but a soupy mass of atoms spinning through absolutely nothing Tired like I’m sitting up in bed, avoiding checking the time, watching the blades of my fan spin and thinking about sine waves, the face of the clock is blinking but I can’t catch a wink, and every two minutes my mind shakes me awake and takes me on a field trip and I have to let it

11