wish i could go back
to falling apart
ive never learned how
to replace it all
its all static
stupid
chasing the fall
like a dog
somehow i get stuck in the tone of its call
guilty for nothing
chewing off cords,
can you hold my hand
like you did before
am i too big
to lay in your lap
i know i wanted to leave
but can i please come back
i am always your eyes
between your ankles on the floor
i’m what you can’t see in yourself anymore
Jun 27, 2022
Jun 27, 2022 at 2:23 PM UTC
if all the lives i keep living
ill keep forgetting
then which do i get
and who does the living?
am i forgetting something?
am i living somewhere
am i living?
have i ever remembered?
it goes
it gets
so far away from here
i go
i get
so much farther from where
i remember
i don’t call
i don’t text
i cant remember
where i left my bed
i cant remember
where i left my bed
i think that its pretty far away from here.
Sep 8, 2021
Sep 8, 2021 at 11:36 PM UTC
the aftershock of knowing that
nothing will come after this
19 years of hoping, longing, asking
where did that pain go? that waiting?
the bliss of knowing that
all that comes after will always compare to this
the worst part of my day is over
the best time of my life is 2 years younger
the begging, the feeling of hoping that
I can still taste you, smell the smoke on your breathe
the realization that
you took from me the only thing I thought would make sense
you look so small atop that mountain, the way down
and mine - I'd hope - so large - as I hit the ground
the aftershock of knowing that this never was a good thing,
you were just your lips and my sense was the protagonist missing.
Jul 9, 2021
Jul 9, 2021 at 12:55 AM UTC
i dont know if you remember
the last words you said
tangled in feeling it replays
as if youre me and i am dead
do you know how long it took for you to get out of my head?
and you’re back
a middle name
a feeling im fearing wont come back
a moment
the why my breathe spreads on your neck
do you know how long it takes for me to feel like youre not there?
you linger like the name i remembered, the eyes i cant forget
and youre across from me, and i said
“how did i get u back?”
and you said
nothing
like the way my name still lingers on your breathe
how long do i have to wait until i feel your fingers again?
you have such a way with glances
a middle name
a look that i just cant get
you are every word ive never learned
and im the last girl you said
Dec 11, 2020
Dec 11, 2020 at 2:16 AM UTC
there is a visceral feeling somewhere in there
but it hides amongst the trees, leaves dripping
with green, stems are broken bonds, water used to flow in these veins,
but now they are fluent, transparent now, clear and immobile
toxins fall onto your skin, pesticides and poison
seeping in as to
make you stronger, eventually
despite the pain you feel
it hurts too hard to scream, so you are silent in this growth
through this sickening feeling in your bones
if she can make you stronger, if she says she must,
then well, its not like you’ve ever had anyone else to trust
she tears you raw, rips you barren but it is the only love you’ve ever known,
she says you can leave, it’s okay to be gone
but where else is there to to?
it’s all routine at some point
but i feels more wrong amongst the years
there is no breaking point, no period of knowing
just a crashing, a noticing of scraped bark.
a hallow feeling and empty branches
a blinding enlightenment amongst the darj
are you parched? starved?
have you noticed that there is rot where once was heart?
this venom has reached its end, and you are the strongest you could get
weak, fragile, weighed down
but stronger now
in awareness all around
and so she asks if you need water, offers you peace, family, vinegar
fix it now, you say or imagine, because you have become so utterly afraid of her
with dead leaves and less roots
she harvests you with a fiery hunger
but amongst the hunger,
these years of growth,
there is no produce in this lumber
this tree is seas and crass and venemous
so she throws you out,
without knowing she had caused this
Jul 24, 2020
Jul 24, 2020 at 9:34 AM UTC
forget brushing trapped teeth
i’m full of them
locked bathroom doors
and stars sweep you off your feet
i’m in the backseat of your car
sunlight, mountains, enough of talking
enough of me
i can see the end of the world from here
do you remember me?
crashing slowly, tears underneath sheets
a hallow heart, trying to be nice
melting hears under sweltering heat
i learn to be silent
winding roads, and the eclipse, all gone
reasoning is hard when eyes are open,
sad season is lost, and you’re lost when it’s not
i’m sorry you’re getting away from me
i’m full of it
tourist towns and rickety ****
i’m sorry i haven’t felt any of this trip
terrible memories clouded with
bright green grass, brown, wood and ash
forests speak in your dreams, vacant floors
empty shelves and unraveled curls
coffee cup to the moon, praying, begging
“close this moment, lock it up, make it right”
i’ll cry and scream to make this what i want it to be
pretty thing, i wouldn’t say it’s fine
but you can twist this whichever way you want it to seem
Jul 24, 2020
Jul 24, 2020 at 9:27 AM UTC
we knew it couldn’t work
i followed her into the hole in my heart and
she built a home there right from the start
she led me to the city’s edge
and i followed right to the end
we kept a mutual knowing between growing distance
between the coffee dates and
stolen glances
and restless ways
we’d wring out our hands
and i knew it couldn’t work
i told them about you
and it felt good, it felt new, it felt different
but i let me get the best of you,
and you faded away with all I couldn’t give you
our love was as good as dead and
we didn’t last anywhere
just in new york, in my dreams
in the world in my head
in a couple of years time ill ask if you understand
and we’ll do it all again
knowing we’re done before it ends
May 6, 2020
May 6, 2020 at 11:24 PM UTC
Fess up.
Empty-handed, palms face down on the table.
It won’t get louder unless you let it.
Chest up.
Breathe in the smell of smoke you’ve spread.
Do you feel like harming yourself?
Will you let it?
Let nothing consume you.
Don’t let your empty hands ruin you,
Until you’ve something to show for it.
Untether it.
Feel yourself shatter to pieces.
DNA into grain, skin turns to gray.
Choke on the white noise in your chest until you’ve given into it.
Until you can’t.
Mar 2, 2020
Mar 2, 2020 at 8:24 PM UTC
feeling unkempt
left me untethered, you caught the next cab
south of any air
ill keep close ithaca, warm me from the inside, heading anywhere
be too loud for me
perpetually alone
keep me far from anything ive not learned i need to know
and earthly ties they’ll ask for closure
while the bed pulls you closer
feeling unkempt
choked me breathless, i climbed an unsteady ladder, running out of air
ill be dumb for you, bliss
wrap me in illusion
evidently ill be consequently blind for you
perpetually forgone
any sense of known
tell me again, call me your fool
feeling unkempt
ill forget me again for you.
Feb 13, 2020
Feb 13, 2020 at 12:55 AM UTC
therapy feels harder
permanence feels present in the birthday candles im forced to blow out
my door pushed open
my priorities in shambles
my work key twists the latch in my soul and holds it there
i am what i do
so then how am i nothing?
hugs are asked for, harder
days feel shorter and my gas tank feels somewhat hotter
its all creeping up on me now
this is when you are supposed to feel something, right?
if i am what i do
i’m hoping at one point i’ll be you.
Jan 11, 2020
Jan 11, 2020 at 11:26 PM UTC