caroline-williams - Hello Poetry

Pocket full of Marlboros I don't know when you started smoking But I do know That you still know me Here on this darkened street corner You still see me And it scares me That I could have pressed so much of myself into your hands And that you didn't let it go Even though the back of your hand is all I know And I know that you know me But is that enough to bring us back to the people we used to be? On that sacred hill or in your old house in the city Apathy isn't pretty But I'd like to try it on for size Somewhere inside of me in the darkness cries for all that we once were That smoke doesn't hide you it just blurs the sadness in your eyes The weight in your sighs. (I'm not angry anymore, I'm heart broken)

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Sep 2, 2016

Sep 2, 2016 at 9:39 AM UTC

caroline-williams

Different

Pocket full of Marlboros I don't know when you started smoking But I do know That you still know me Here on this darkened street corner You still see me And it scares me That I could have pressed so much of myself into your hands And that you didn't let it go Even though the back of your hand is all I know And I know that you know me But is that enough to bring us back to the people we used to be? On that sacred hill or in your old house in the city Apathy isn't pretty But I'd like to try it on for size Somewhere inside of me in the darkness cries for all that we once were That smoke doesn't hide you it just blurs the sadness in your eyes The weight in your sighs. (I'm not angry anymore, I'm heart broken)

18

8am solo endless drives in Purgatory Will you remember me? Will you still say say my say my name Or have I disappeared into all these varying shades of 8am Have I become the way I looked at him? Will I fade here? Or will I reignite only to show you up Turn up and burn up I know you never wanted me Just wanted the person you imagined me to be Now all I see is the white lines of this highway Purgatory Will you remember me? Will this be Forever? 8am fade out good so slow I'm nobody's baby so nobody needs to know My glass bloodwork and hazy brain I know you don't see me the same Purgatory.

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Aug 26, 2016

Aug 26, 2016 at 9:40 AM UTC

caroline-williams

Purgatory

8am solo endless drives in Purgatory Will you remember me? Will you still say say my say my name Or have I disappeared into all these varying shades of 8am Have I become the way I looked at him? Will I fade here? Or will I reignite only to show you up Turn up and burn up I know you never wanted me Just wanted the person you imagined me to be Now all I see is the white lines of this highway Purgatory Will you remember me? Will this be Forever? 8am fade out good so slow I'm nobody's baby so nobody needs to know My glass bloodwork and hazy brain I know you don't see me the same Purgatory.

19

And I still think about you sitting pretty in that skin tight white shirt The one with the holes in it, reminiscent of the holes in my skin Reveal my boiling blood work and fragile spine Eyes glued to the floor wondering what it would be like to be called 'mine' and you're there on the couch wrapped up in deep brown talking **** to the pretty girl next to you And I'm over here on my own knowing better than to try to make a move When you're already preoccupied with someone else I know I'm better by myself Now it's nearly two months out and I'm watching you on a tiny screen in my room Long limbs draped artfully over a guitar feet dangling in the pool tattoos indistinguishable in the evening gloom And I wonder what it's like in your world I wonder what it's like in your head If it's raining or snowing or if you're choking on what you should have said So now I'm slightly intoxicated on my back in my sheets Praying for some sign of rain or some subtle relief From switch screen wanting I don't even want any of you I don't know you I don't trust you I don't know what you do I know an idea better left by itself Better left alone so I can be by myself Not for anyone else Just me in my own skin And you're a casualty of my sober vivid mind An empty grave I don't want to find An ocean packed with a thousand words better left unsaid A persistent reminder of the emptiness of my bed And in my dreams I'll move closer to you I'll take hold of your calloused hand But as I wake I know I'll run far from you Because I'll never belong to any man And hey I could be the tattoo on your left arm Wrapped tight around your bones Hey I could be the ice in your glass But you will never be my home No I'd rather be alone

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Aug 24, 2016

Aug 24, 2016 at 12:30 AM UTC

caroline-williams

Untitled

And I still think about you sitting pretty in that skin tight white shirt The one with the holes in it, reminiscent of the holes in my skin Reveal my boiling blood work and fragile spine Eyes glued to the floor wondering what it would be like to be called 'mine' and you're there on the couch wrapped up in deep brown talking **** to the pretty girl next to you And I'm over here on my own knowing better than to try to make a move When you're already preoccupied with someone else I know I'm better by myself Now it's nearly two months out and I'm watching you on a tiny screen in my room Long limbs draped artfully over a guitar feet dangling in the pool tattoos indistinguishable in the evening gloom And I wonder what it's like in your world I wonder what it's like in your head If it's raining or snowing or if you're choking on what you should have said So now I'm slightly intoxicated on my back in my sheets Praying for some sign of rain or some subtle relief From switch screen wanting I don't even want any of you I don't know you I don't trust you I don't know what you do I know an idea better left by itself Better left alone so I can be by myself Not for anyone else Just me in my own skin And you're a casualty of my sober vivid mind An empty grave I don't want to find An ocean packed with a thousand words better left unsaid A persistent reminder of the emptiness of my bed And in my dreams I'll move closer to you I'll take hold of your calloused hand But as I wake I know I'll run far from you Because I'll never belong to any man And hey I could be the tattoo on your left arm Wrapped tight around your bones Hey I could be the ice in your glass But you will never be my home No I'd rather be alone

35

And still I am screaming from the base of my arteries "I gave all of me to you and you turned away" Swollen and drunk on a Sunday I make my way to the foot of the cross and call out your name once more I am a mess of American habits and self centered longing but still I long to be taken back into your living room and told that I am all that I was the day I opened myself to you The day I washed your feet on your kitchen floor Drunken and bruised laughing swearing that no matter how long I lived I would never ask for more You made me pasta and ran your fingers through my hair On days when my world bit at my ribs you reminded me that I was still there In simple gestures of midnight snacks and open hands I found you I loved you and I lost And now I find myself at the foot of the cross Spitting out your name like sour wine See the holes in my hands See the holes in my feet bore from your absence See the slash in my side from which a river of black pours Of all the ways I loved you and you never gave back And now I lie broken and small in my sheets Praying for some sign or relief that I am rid of you That the nights we spent are gone That your clothes are off my floor and my body still moves the way it did before you Honest and fully free in the gentle morning That no part of me longs for any part of you That my hands are full That my feet are guarded and my side safely stitched That all of me is all I am Instead of the lack, Instead of the work of your hands. For our father, Who art in heaven Never hallowed your name. Though he let your kingdom come, And your will be done, He will restore my spirit. On earth As it is in heaven. He will give me today my daily bread forgive my debts Though I still have trouble forgiving you, unholy debtor. Though you lead me into temptation, He has kept me safe from evil. For yours, Was never the kingdom, The power, Or the glory, Forever and ever Amen.

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Aug 18, 2016

Aug 18, 2016 at 12:23 PM UTC

caroline-williams

The Lord's Prayer

And still I am screaming from the base of my arteries "I gave all of me to you and you turned away" Swollen and drunk on a Sunday I make my way to the foot of the cross and call out your name once more I am a mess of American habits and self centered longing but still I long to be taken back into your living room and told that I am all that I was the day I opened myself to you The day I washed your feet on your kitchen floor Drunken and bruised laughing swearing that no matter how long I lived I would never ask for more You made me pasta and ran your fingers through my hair On days when my world bit at my ribs you reminded me that I was still there In simple gestures of midnight snacks and open hands I found you I loved you and I lost And now I find myself at the foot of the cross Spitting out your name like sour wine See the holes in my hands See the holes in my feet bore from your absence See the slash in my side from which a river of black pours Of all the ways I loved you and you never gave back And now I lie broken and small in my sheets Praying for some sign or relief that I am rid of you That the nights we spent are gone That your clothes are off my floor and my body still moves the way it did before you Honest and fully free in the gentle morning That no part of me longs for any part of you That my hands are full That my feet are guarded and my side safely stitched That all of me is all I am Instead of the lack, Instead of the work of your hands. For our father, Who art in heaven Never hallowed your name. Though he let your kingdom come, And your will be done, He will restore my spirit. On earth As it is in heaven. He will give me today my daily bread forgive my debts Though I still have trouble forgiving you, unholy debtor. Though you lead me into temptation, He has kept me safe from evil. For yours, Was never the kingdom, The power, Or the glory, Forever and ever Amen.

47

spitting blood nearly dead almost passed out in an open field freshly wounded bug bit I'm still reeling from your open nails I wish you could see me now I wish you could see me now running from intimacy like you learned to run from your truth strung out on self reliance a product of my loveless youth I wish you could see me now I wish you could see me now rolling in the wake of the end of my self induced apathy finally processing the hurt from when you laughed at me I wish you could see me now I wish you could see me now and do you hear me now? Screaming drunk off my anger on my phone in the parking lot finally unleashing hell on you for everything you're not and all that you pretended to be all that you said to me like some godless lover across the pillow in your bed all your sentiments sounded so pretty coming from the hole in your head well you never followed up so let me follow through left hook to your pastel pride and a right hook to all I thought was true Your love isn't perfect it's bruised Your grace isn't saving it's used as you used me to use him to break back through here's to you wiped out in the backseat crying like I thought it'd never end bruising restless and breaking I know now you're not my friend I wish you could see me now I wish you could see me now Brusing my fists and biding my time finally awake I realized in your hands I had had all I could take I wish you could see me now I wish you could see me now and if you could you'd see that I'm not happy, but I'm finally my own you'd find that I am not a queen but I never need a throne I wish you could see me now I wish you could see me now and do you hear me now? Screaming drunk off my anger on the phone in the parking lot finally unleashing hell on you for everything you're not and all that you pretended to be all that you said to me like some godless lover across the pillow in your bed all your sentiments sounded so pretty coming from the hole in your head well you never followed up so let me follow through left hook to your pastel pride and a right hook to all I thought was true Your love isn't perfect it's bruised Your grace isn't saving it's used as you used me to use him to break back through here's to you

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Jul 10, 2016

Jul 10, 2016 at 11:52 PM UTC

caroline-williams

Can you hear me now? Because i cant hear you over the sound of your apathy.

52

I can feel you laughing down my neck just like it was yesterday I can feel those beige walls pressing in Slow dancing on an open grave Twisting the knife into my skin This isn't self harm this is processing This isn't nostalgia this is letting go. Winter air wrapped in red so many layers I almost couldn't hear what you said All draped in ice and grace The world isn't as small and snug as it used to be The world is too near and is not gentle with me I remember The way it felt when you crossed the room And I remember How it felt to leave too soon I am not my brothers keeper And you are not the boy I thought I knew But winter rises ominous and waking before me and my hands are already turning blue I'll hold you if I want to.

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Jul 7, 2016

Jul 7, 2016 at 3:12 AM UTC

caroline-williams

Flume

I can feel you laughing down my neck just like it was yesterday I can feel those beige walls pressing in Slow dancing on an open grave Twisting the knife into my skin This isn't self harm this is processing This isn't nostalgia this is letting go. Winter air wrapped in red so many layers I almost couldn't hear what you said All draped in ice and grace The world isn't as small and snug as it used to be The world is too near and is not gentle with me I remember The way it felt when you crossed the room And I remember How it felt to leave too soon I am not my brothers keeper And you are not the boy I thought I knew But winter rises ominous and waking before me and my hands are already turning blue I'll hold you if I want to.

19

I was thin wristed and restless looking for another fist to bruise Another wall to tumble down another coping mechanism to abuse and there you sat dressed in black swearing on a filthy church pew Talking of all the boys you almost loved and how all of me applied to all of you Whirlwind summer whiplash stomach sick in my Sunday best If the good Lord tries our patience then you were my final test Raging lows to soaring heights I found heaven in the back of your hand You stitched me up just to tear me apart no one can humble me like you can An answer to prayer A song unsung The unspoken fear in the back of my lungs A slight of hand The long drive home Another night in bed wishing I had left you alone

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Jul 2, 2016

Jul 2, 2016 at 1:13 AM UTC

caroline-williams

Whiplash

I was thin wristed and restless looking for another fist to bruise Another wall to tumble down another coping mechanism to abuse and there you sat dressed in black swearing on a filthy church pew Talking of all the boys you almost loved and how all of me applied to all of you Whirlwind summer whiplash stomach sick in my Sunday best If the good Lord tries our patience then you were my final test Raging lows to soaring heights I found heaven in the back of your hand You stitched me up just to tear me apart no one can humble me like you can An answer to prayer A song unsung The unspoken fear in the back of my lungs A slight of hand The long drive home Another night in bed wishing I had left you alone

14

Late days weighted heads and moonlight crossed fingers filthy feet and new wine I'm in love with every part of this talk it up tell me you got a lot to say walk me home unsteady from the heavy day You've got me in right your prize fighter fist Old hymns bug bites and middle school play it off while you fail to keep your cool I don't know what to say God's grass I'm reborn into a family baptized in longing when you look at me We're all formed from the same unholy clay and I stay up and bleach away the excess emotion stomach sick from this heady new ocean of wanting your fingers on my spine I sleep late and let the dust collect a new mystery special, a new set of dots to connect the weight of wanting to call you 'mine' but all I say when you ask is 'thanks for asking I slept fine' Early days light linen and black coffee bedheaded and bruisin you caught me right at the base of my chest jeff gordon god and all his parlor tricks morning breath bravado I'm already sick trying to keep these feelings in check You're five hundred and seventeen miles away and I'm seven months from finding the right words to say that I'm happier in the cracks of your teeth Common senses debates time and distance enamored by your subtleties and fighter's stance you almost negate my unbelief and I stay up and bleach away the excess emotion stomach sick from this heady new ocean of wanting your fingers on my spine I sleep late and let the dust collect a new mystery special, a new set of dots to connect the weight of wanting to call you 'mine' but all I say when you ask is 'thanks for asking I slept fine'

0

Jun 29, 2016

Jun 29, 2016 at 4:52 PM UTC

caroline-williams

I Didn't Sleep Well

Late days weighted heads and moonlight crossed fingers filthy feet and new wine I'm in love with every part of this talk it up tell me you got a lot to say walk me home unsteady from the heavy day You've got me in right your prize fighter fist Old hymns bug bites and middle school play it off while you fail to keep your cool I don't know what to say God's grass I'm reborn into a family baptized in longing when you look at me We're all formed from the same unholy clay and I stay up and bleach away the excess emotion stomach sick from this heady new ocean of wanting your fingers on my spine I sleep late and let the dust collect a new mystery special, a new set of dots to connect the weight of wanting to call you 'mine' but all I say when you ask is 'thanks for asking I slept fine' Early days light linen and black coffee bedheaded and bruisin you caught me right at the base of my chest jeff gordon god and all his parlor tricks morning breath bravado I'm already sick trying to keep these feelings in check You're five hundred and seventeen miles away and I'm seven months from finding the right words to say that I'm happier in the cracks of your teeth Common senses debates time and distance enamored by your subtleties and fighter's stance you almost negate my unbelief and I stay up and bleach away the excess emotion stomach sick from this heady new ocean of wanting your fingers on my spine I sleep late and let the dust collect a new mystery special, a new set of dots to connect the weight of wanting to call you 'mine' but all I say when you ask is 'thanks for asking I slept fine'

40

Bruised ribs I'm sleepless walking down this dusty road Lost in thought over my dead weight but I just can't shoulder the load And I tried to run it over my tight tongue in the bathroom Singing quiet hymns to consol myself praying to god that now isn't too soon And I see it in my eyes head on in the mirror I can hear it in my constant questioning trying to understand why the path isn't clearer But I'm no nearer to understanding than I am to touching my elbow with my tongue I'm no closer to letting someone in than to embracing who I've become And my need to run And I'd like to see the light behind your bright eyes dancing on my skin I'd like to risk the burn just to try and let you in Warm arms and broad smile Sit down and tell me to stay a while I think I could pause for you I think I could stop worrying about what I should do Just staring into your kind eyes Trying to figure out why that flame never dies But here I am thin skined thing trying to protect my arteries Laying alone broken in bed over how others seem to have responded to me Like I've been sent out to sea on this twin bed in my sleep Awakened in waves too caught off guard and timid to make that leap So I'll sink my tired skeleton into the frame work of this mattress And try to decompress my heavy head and restless mind They say if you seek you'll find And I'd like to find that light that lives behind your eyes inside my own skin I'd like to risk the bruising and breaking just to try and let you in Warm arms and broad smile Sit down and tell me to stay a while I think I could pause for you I think I could stop worrying about what I should do Just staring into your kind eyes Trying to figure out why that flame never dies But here I stand, Fire eyed girl that I am spitting venom declaring I belong to no man I am not who I used be and it's plain to see when I look at you And think of all the damage I could do Hoping that maybe some things aren't too good to be true So if that's true, And I'd like to see the light behind your bright eyes dancing on my skin I'd like to risk the bruising just to try and let you in Warm arms and broad smile Sit down and tell me to stay a while I think I could pause for you I think I could stop worrying about what I should do Just staring into your kind eyes Trying to figure out why that flame never dies.

0

Jun 20, 2016

Jun 20, 2016 at 12:20 AM UTC

caroline-williams

Keep trying to Lose

Bruised ribs I'm sleepless walking down this dusty road Lost in thought over my dead weight but I just can't shoulder the load And I tried to run it over my tight tongue in the bathroom Singing quiet hymns to consol myself praying to god that now isn't too soon And I see it in my eyes head on in the mirror I can hear it in my constant questioning trying to understand why the path isn't clearer But I'm no nearer to understanding than I am to touching my elbow with my tongue I'm no closer to letting someone in than to embracing who I've become And my need to run And I'd like to see the light behind your bright eyes dancing on my skin I'd like to risk the burn just to try and let you in Warm arms and broad smile Sit down and tell me to stay a while I think I could pause for you I think I could stop worrying about what I should do Just staring into your kind eyes Trying to figure out why that flame never dies But here I am thin skined thing trying to protect my arteries Laying alone broken in bed over how others seem to have responded to me Like I've been sent out to sea on this twin bed in my sleep Awakened in waves too caught off guard and timid to make that leap So I'll sink my tired skeleton into the frame work of this mattress And try to decompress my heavy head and restless mind They say if you seek you'll find And I'd like to find that light that lives behind your eyes inside my own skin I'd like to risk the bruising and breaking just to try and let you in Warm arms and broad smile Sit down and tell me to stay a while I think I could pause for you I think I could stop worrying about what I should do Just staring into your kind eyes Trying to figure out why that flame never dies But here I stand, Fire eyed girl that I am spitting venom declaring I belong to no man I am not who I used be and it's plain to see when I look at you And think of all the damage I could do Hoping that maybe some things aren't too good to be true So if that's true, And I'd like to see the light behind your bright eyes dancing on my skin I'd like to risk the bruising just to try and let you in Warm arms and broad smile Sit down and tell me to stay a while I think I could pause for you I think I could stop worrying about what I should do Just staring into your kind eyes Trying to figure out why that flame never dies.

46

Quiet nights in my bed and family dinners all drive me deeper into myself I spend my the majority of my time alone lost in Facebook memoirs and tributes to friends that never lasted through the storm I am not sick in my heart I am trying to be well again Trying to meet your gaze from across the room To be able to accept your half assed companionship like any other functioning human who can summon up a smile to cover up the sparking of their discontent But I can't hide it from you And you know it as I watch you from across the room That I am unwell with no intention of wishing you well I gave that up last week And this poem wasn't supposed to be about you but you are as much apart of me as the pen in my hand A medium of my discontent The serpent in my head This wasn't meant to offend just meant to voice what I never said to you on that hill back in the depth of spring And I can see it now I can watch myself drunk breaking the glass against the wall on your wedding day Cursing your name on the stage It's a rocky road I'm on but lately I've been feeling my age And 18 isn't kind And even though we once breathed in tandem I'm not ashamed to tell you that I want everything you've got Just to burn it before your eyes Just to make up for all the white lies we've both said in common pleasantries It isn't you it's me Echos through the back of my mind I am not fine And you know it The disaster in the cornor of the room aiming slowly gunning for you What a joy it is to be the town drunk on your graduation day You can leave this town but you're still bound to your age And it isn't pretty but I've begun to embrace the abomination that I am The screaming mess of crooked teeth no one can **** it up like I can I don't need you Except to write about when the quiet nights and family dinners threaten to strangle me I am through with quiet complacency Through with the regret breeding in me In this there is no peace In this I exist inside of me Trapped within my skin At least I'll never let you in.

0

Jun 14, 2016

Jun 14, 2016 at 7:31 PM UTC

caroline-williams

Introspection (from my spring poetry)

Quiet nights in my bed and family dinners all drive me deeper into myself I spend my the majority of my time alone lost in Facebook memoirs and tributes to friends that never lasted through the storm I am not sick in my heart I am trying to be well again Trying to meet your gaze from across the room To be able to accept your half assed companionship like any other functioning human who can summon up a smile to cover up the sparking of their discontent But I can't hide it from you And you know it as I watch you from across the room That I am unwell with no intention of wishing you well I gave that up last week And this poem wasn't supposed to be about you but you are as much apart of me as the pen in my hand A medium of my discontent The serpent in my head This wasn't meant to offend just meant to voice what I never said to you on that hill back in the depth of spring And I can see it now I can watch myself drunk breaking the glass against the wall on your wedding day Cursing your name on the stage It's a rocky road I'm on but lately I've been feeling my age And 18 isn't kind And even though we once breathed in tandem I'm not ashamed to tell you that I want everything you've got Just to burn it before your eyes Just to make up for all the white lies we've both said in common pleasantries It isn't you it's me Echos through the back of my mind I am not fine And you know it The disaster in the cornor of the room aiming slowly gunning for you What a joy it is to be the town drunk on your graduation day You can leave this town but you're still bound to your age And it isn't pretty but I've begun to embrace the abomination that I am The screaming mess of crooked teeth no one can **** it up like I can I don't need you Except to write about when the quiet nights and family dinners threaten to strangle me I am through with quiet complacency Through with the regret breeding in me In this there is no peace In this I exist inside of me Trapped within my skin At least I'll never let you in.

38