Its 6 am and everything just..
I don't know it hurts
Maybe more like I'm sore
I think of you and my chest starts aching I can hear my heartbeat and sometimes it doesn't match up and I wonder if it's because you're no longer here
I remember at one point in time I was so sure my heart only beat because you were a part of my life
Isn't it so strange how someone so close can become a stranger in a days time?
What is time anyways?
They say all wounds heal with time but if time doesn't exist how am I ever gonna get better?
**** I'm so sore..
Like I was saying..
There's like this hole in my chest, ya know, like the ones people write about
Well I get it now
I always wonder if you feel one too
If our love was enough to provoke a black hole in your heart when I left because a part of you went with me too..
And if it did, where can I find it? Because I miss you.
Aug 7, 2015
Aug 7, 2015 at 1:58 AM UTC
Her: Anytime I let you drive my jeep
you'd hug the curves of the road
my car swayed and you just held my hand tighter
like it was an apology
I could tell by the way you smiled you didn't mean it
I don't think I've ever seen you even mouth the word sorry
you've always cut everything too close
only holding onto hope never substance
I chase things that make me feel alive
the things that make me feel like I might never breath again
that'd why I held onto you so tight
I caressed your face and told you I loved you
you reached into me and took my heart and shook it
till I lost all my grip on everything else
and I guess that's just a metaphor
for why I don't wear a seat belt
for why I can't hold onto anything anymore
now I'll think of the things I've lost because of you and my mouth will turn numb
but never sour
melancholy is only a word to me now
Him: I watched you repetitively break for two years
I held your hand every time the floor fell from underneath you
but you never looked down
you were never scared just used to it I guess
I couldn't sympathize
as much as I wanted to
but I did pull you up every single time
those feelings you'd hide underneath your floorboards never held any weight
words don't work as rafts and it was time you stopped acting like it
Her: whenever I'm with you I can't tell the difference between
the absence of emotion and the silence of the rooms
I know you feel it too
that ashy taste in your throat whenever we're talking
I guess all of our words burnt out
or maybe it's all the cigarettes
Him: drowned in apathetic conversation
we'll smoke a pack and toss the filters out the window
along with all those unsaid words
that last time the floor fell through I didn't reach out
it swallowed us both whole
I let us hit rock bottom because there was nothing else to do
every episode was a rerun and I was tired of not feeling anything
tired of those meaningless words that hung over our heads
it was all just empty space
Her: at the bottom of that pit we picked each others thoughts clean
the waves tasted like tears but I couldn't tell which one of us was crying
you tore a hole in me down there just big enough to crawl in
I closed my mouth so you couldn't leave
continued to swallow my words so they'd reach you eventually
Him: I don't know how much time we lost there
and honestly I don't care
and with that we stood up
I saw "sorry" etched into your forearm
I looked down at my own and read "damaged goods"
I dropped you and I'm the one that broke
I used to ask you why it took so long for you to
come inside when it rained
you said it was because you needed a reason for why everything always looked like it was crying
I finally understand what you meant
since that day in the hole I can't stop reaching into ditches
looking for whatever it was I lost down there
scraping away at the dirt
packing another bowl
checking underneath my fingernails
just one more line
I'm wearing thin
its only 3 shots
maybe I didn't loose anything down there
maybe I keep digging only so I can bury whatever it was I found.
Jun 17, 2015
Jun 17, 2015 at 7:18 PM UTC
why doesn't everyone feel things like I feel things
Im always leaving my hands out
for about three years now they've just been bleeding
most guys will glance and flinch
while others will lift the broken skin and play in my blood till they're satisfied
a fascination grows as they mess with my emotions something they don't understand
I let them toy cause I'm empty and I don't really care since I can't actually feel anything everything's an act
nothing's real on this end
but you're different
you've loved and lost and have seen and experienced things that could make lights go out
your eyes are still pretty as **** and your laugh isn't ever gonna sound unlike some melody that my mom sang when I was young and okay
you used to tear at my blouse I use to tear at your face
your lips made my heart stop
and your fingers made my legs shake
but it wasn't till I lost you did I realize what I had dropped and thrown away was a beautiful work of art unlike any other
so now I just ache
now your lips make my heart drop and your fingers only end calls and I've got a bruise on my knee that reminds me of you cause it won't go away and it still hurts
or maybe it's cause I lost my balance and fell really ******* hard like you did that day your brother died and I didn't hold your hand but I kissed your stomach and you forgot about it for awhile and I said your name and you smiled for awhile then I left your house and you cried for awhile
but I couldn't help your wheezing cause I couldn't love you right and
no wonder your bed was so cold all the time despite your blankets you had nothing inside you no warmth to give
two years and you seem happier now
but when you reached out your hands were cold
you pretend not to notice my sudden interest in your breathing
"I could have fixed you."
why didn't I help you
how easy it could have been to tend your wounds
something's changed here and now my hands are always bleeding
"I wanna help you."
I want to fill the vacancy of your chest
I can still hear iT IT ECHOES MY SCREAMING
LIKE WHEN LAST TIME I SAW YOU TWO WEEKS AGO AND YOU GRABBED MY ARM AND MY HANDS STAINED YOUR SHIRT BUT YOU KISSED THOSE CRACKS AND I FLINCHED AND YOU FELT IT YOU LET GO CAUSE I WASNT STABLE AND YOU NEEDED A PLACE TO REST YOUR THOUGHTS AND I CANT GIVE YOU SUPPORT AS MUCH AS I WANT TO CAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW TO TALK ABOUT THINGS IM SORRY IM SO SORRY
BUT I NEED YOU TO BE HERE I WANNA TAKE IT BACK I WANT YOU BACK YOU CANT LEAVE YET
NOT YET I WANNA LOVE YOU RIGHT I WANNA KISS YOUR FACE AGAIN
"ARE YOU STILL THERE?"
DO YOU STILL NEED ME?
I THINK I NEED YOU
"IM RIGHT HERE."
IM RIGHT HERE
MY HANDS ARE BLEEDING REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW
"IM NOT LEAVING."
I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU
"I WONT BE LEAVING."
AM I CRAZY
ITS BEEN THREE YEARS AND I STILL THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY
"YOU SHOULD CALL ME BACK."
Mar 3, 2015
Mar 3, 2015 at 4:13 PM UTC