The night was pouring down hard.
Dropping down tear-shaped raindrops
On the dry asphalt of the sun-burnt roads
Abused by the scorching autumn sun
Opposite to my heart, the night was a shade of reddish pink
Instead of its usual perpetual black.
The peace of nighttime that was so often replaced with guilt was instead filled with sounds of static and light.
On these nights, I would lay and ponder on the
Barely finite number of transgressions I've made
With a near aleph-zero infinity of mistakes for every drop of this rain.
Every night,
Words and scenes reappear and repeat before my eyes and mind,
A loop of remorse and grief,
And only now, with the glow of the 1AM twilight, will I write it down.
My eyes were shut after every grueling luminous day. My mouth was shut after every recursive morning and afternoon.
Tonight, my eyes and mouth were wide open. The static of billions of crashing souls. The quake of the sky at every turn of the eye. The sudden fleeting flashes of hope and clarity.
And as the words flew through me and into the screen,
An experience that so long ago once emptied me of worry,
I found regret.
Feb 20, 2016
Feb 20, 2016 at 9:06 AM UTC
letters are nothing more than symbols
just lucky strokes upon a white background that project
memories, feelings, images, experiences
words, spoken words, are nothing more than just sounds
just skin touching more skin vibrating the air around it to produce
grunts, noises, sighs, screeches, music
colors that we see are nothing more than waves of electromagnetic radiation
just light bouncing off of matter to show
beauty, danger, lightness, darkness
everything in this world
You
Me
are just coincidences
just random bits of probability
infinity to one
the chances anything would happen is basically zero
everything at any point could have went wrong
yet
after half the life of eternity
i met you
i read your symbols
i heard your sounds
i saw your light
the right symbols: infinity to one
the right sounds: omega to one
the right light: aleph-null to one
but everything about you was right
and here we are
clearly an impossibility
with our chances infinitely close to zero
every second approaching zero
reaching its limit
and now here
with our chances lining up
virtually never to be
i saw you
and i fell into you
and in one reality every infinity
you fell for me too
if only i was in one of those
Dec 11, 2015
Dec 11, 2015 at 10:40 AM UTC
This boy,
who had so much light in his eyes
whenever he talked about the things he loves.
This boy,
who was my best friend
the person I can share the deep thoughts of my mind with.
This boy,
who never failed to be right by my side
when I just needed holding.
This boy,
who was there to listen
to my pointless ramblings and complaints and curses.
This boy,
who put up with all of my ****
even if it humiliated him and most of the time, pained him.
This boy,
who invested his time
talking to a boring girl like me.
This boy who dedicated so much and cared so much and loved so much.
This boy,
who did not push me to love him
but instead tried his best to show reasons for me to love myself.
This boy,
who had so many ideas
kept all to himself.
This boy,
who put so much effort into helping me
that he forgets to help himself.
This boy,
who doesn't know how brilliant he is
but is focused on his flaws.
This boy,
who wrote beautiful poems
always unnoticed.
This boy,
who was so in love with a girl
that he was willing to die for her.
This boy,
whose good heart
was so tired and fed up.
This boy,
who wanted to give up
and give in to the voices inside his head.
This boy,
who carried so much pain in his heart
and hatred in his skin.
This boy,
who dragged cigarettes
in the evening hoping to release the pain.
This boy,
who simply wanted to escape
from the pains of feeling worthless and unrequited love.
This boy,
who was willing to free himself
and fly from the roof.
This boy,
who wanted to die.
*This boy,
who was losing the light
in
his
eyes*.
Apr 1, 2014
Apr 1, 2014 at 8:39 AM UTC
Life woke up.
All was nothingness.
Then light sets in.
The absence of darkness
Makes it weep.
Life started to grow.
Controlled by strangers.
Sharing the love they had.
Then they leave.
The absence of them.
Makes it weep.
Life grew longer.
Books, notes, lectures.
Leeching time away.
Then failure comes.
The absence of success.
Makes it weep.
Life adapted.
Friends pushing forward.
Supporting, never leaving.
Then life repeated itself.
The absence of company.
Makes it weep.
Life moved on.
Strangers come and go.
Proud, happy, loving.
Then the truth is revealed.
The absence of trust.
Makes it weep.
Life learned.
The day came to an end.
Loneliness prevailed.
Then life slept again.
The absence of light.
Makes it smile.
Mar 1, 2014
Mar 1, 2014 at 12:54 PM UTC
I no longer wish to survive in this world, my love
So that's it then,
That's your punishment
You. Live.
Feb 8, 2014
Feb 8, 2014 at 9:50 AM UTC
All those messages
All those words
All that love
Wasn't real
It never was real
In fact,
They were never about you anyway
Jan 13, 2014
Jan 13, 2014 at 4:22 PM UTC
When you get to that point
When you know that you've hit the bottom
And you can't get back up by yourself
You turn to the one you trust the most
The one you love the most
The only one who could help you
And you tell her
And she pushed you away
And she didnt believe you
And she said she was tired of putting up with all of your ****
Abd she said she knows she will be the ******* enemy in the end
And she was sick of it.
No more, she said
So she left you
Left you alone
More alone than ever
And then you think
Then you realize you really have hit the lowest possible point
The lowest point in your whole life
Then you realize your graph doesnt change
Your line never got above the worst
It was always at the bottom
It was only now you realize that you were there the whole time
So you do the only thing to fix it
Why be alive anyway if death was just the same, but the pain will go away.
Forever.
Jan 13, 2014
Jan 13, 2014 at 12:17 PM UTC
I can't ask for more
This is all I'm getting
30 seconds
That's all the time I have
That's all the time I need
It kills me to say these words
But I will never let the sadness show
Not today. Not ever.
Not to anyone else.
Not anymore.
My impossible girl,
Thank you
and goodbye
Jan 10, 2014
Jan 10, 2014 at 9:37 AM UTC
It's time to let you be free
It's time for me to finally let you go
You are no longer trapped with me
You can do whatever you want
You don't need me anymore
You can find someone else
Someone who will stay
Someone better
Run along
Have fun
Be whatever you want
Be whoever you want
Go play the games that I could never enjoy with you.
Go to the beautiful fields that I could never take you.
Go sing the songs that I could never serenade you with.
Go read the books that I could never give you
Go tell your secrets that I could never keep
Go run away to the places I could never go with you.
Go make the memories that I could never be included in
Go fall in love with the man I could never be
Make the loneliness of your absence
Worthwhile
Dec 27, 2013
Dec 27, 2013 at 5:44 AM UTC
This could very well be
The last time we're ever going to see each other
In a very long while
In fact, we may never see each other again
But tonight,
Just this one night,
Let's pretend that we'll never leave
eachother's side.
Let's pretend that we will keep the promise
That we'll always be there.
Let's pretend that we will and will alway will be
Our missing half.
And let's pretend that we have more day to be together.
So our hearts will know that we will find each other
One more time
Dec 14, 2013
Dec 14, 2013 at 9:40 AM UTC