breannac4 - Hello Poetry

Today I struggled. It was one of those days where you wake up, see it's daylight and burst into tears because you already don't want to get out of bed for the day. One of those days where you literally have to force your body to get the **** up and actually function enough to do things that need to be done. You don't really know what is wrong. Nothing has happened. Nothings horribly wrong. Everything is just the same as it was a month ago at this time. But it feels so god **** different. You try not to think about it though. Because that is the answer to everything right ? To avoid. To distract. But today it is too heavy. It is everywhere. In the back of every single thought. Of every single minute. There it is. And there it goes. And here it comes again. All. **** Day. You try to just make it to the end of the day. Smiling when you have to, trying your best to act like nothing is wrong, but people can see it today. Something is noticeably off. And each and every time somebody asks you if you are okay, there is that smile and "yeah,I'm fine" when your mind is screaming **** no help me". As closing time is getting closer, you realize you don't know what to do after work because going home to an empty house, and an empty bed doesn't sound as good anymore. You hit some people up. Try to find some plans that you may or may not go to. You don't want to go out to the bar, you don't want to go home. You don't want to be alone, but you don't want to talk to people. WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT. The answer is one simple word. Nothing. It's nothing. you don't want to go anywhere. Or do anything. Or feel or think. You need a minute to breathe. To just catch your breath. But every time you try and wave of emotions knocks you in the face like a wave in the ocean and pulls you out a little deeper and it just gets harder and harder to get a good gasp of air. Everybody is out. Having fun. You aren't going to be fun right now and don't want to bring other people down too. So going out isn't an option. But going home kinda makes you want to throw up. You want someone to actually see you, but there is this mask you feel like you have to wear so nobody thinks you are "weak" You just want to talk to somebody that knows how to make this a little better right now because you literally just need someone to tell you it's okay and you aren't completely crazy. But you still haven't even learned how to **** to even ask for help. Because you feel like it's not okay to not be okay right now. Because things are better. And you aren't where you were last year at this time. So you should be doing fine. You aren't on drugs. Or homeless. You have a job. So why do you still feel like this right now. It could be worse. It could always be worse. I know this. I do. but right now it just doesn't feel okay. Nothing is particularly "wrong" But nothing is right either and I don't even know how to explain why. Because it doesn't make sense to me either, so I guess that makes me crazy? But that still doesn't make these thoughts settle down or just shut the **** up for one ******* second. So you do what you always do. And you shut down. And maybe somebody will eventually see what your head has been screaming. That all you have ever wanted was to actually be seen.

0

Jun 10, 2018

Jun 10, 2018 at 2:03 AM UTC

breannac4

Today I struggled

Today I struggled. It was one of those days where you wake up, see it's daylight and burst into tears because you already don't want to get out of bed for the day. One of those days where you literally have to force your body to get the **** up and actually function enough to do things that need to be done. You don't really know what is wrong. Nothing has happened. Nothings horribly wrong. Everything is just the same as it was a month ago at this time. But it feels so god **** different. You try not to think about it though. Because that is the answer to everything right ? To avoid. To distract. But today it is too heavy. It is everywhere. In the back of every single thought. Of every single minute. There it is. And there it goes. And here it comes again. All. **** Day. You try to just make it to the end of the day. Smiling when you have to, trying your best to act like nothing is wrong, but people can see it today. Something is noticeably off. And each and every time somebody asks you if you are okay, there is that smile and "yeah,I'm fine" when your mind is screaming **** no help me". As closing time is getting closer, you realize you don't know what to do after work because going home to an empty house, and an empty bed doesn't sound as good anymore. You hit some people up. Try to find some plans that you may or may not go to. You don't want to go out to the bar, you don't want to go home. You don't want to be alone, but you don't want to talk to people. WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT. The answer is one simple word. Nothing. It's nothing. you don't want to go anywhere. Or do anything. Or feel or think. You need a minute to breathe. To just catch your breath. But every time you try and wave of emotions knocks you in the face like a wave in the ocean and pulls you out a little deeper and it just gets harder and harder to get a good gasp of air. Everybody is out. Having fun. You aren't going to be fun right now and don't want to bring other people down too. So going out isn't an option. But going home kinda makes you want to throw up. You want someone to actually see you, but there is this mask you feel like you have to wear so nobody thinks you are "weak" You just want to talk to somebody that knows how to make this a little better right now because you literally just need someone to tell you it's okay and you aren't completely crazy. But you still haven't even learned how to **** to even ask for help. Because you feel like it's not okay to not be okay right now. Because things are better. And you aren't where you were last year at this time. So you should be doing fine. You aren't on drugs. Or homeless. You have a job. So why do you still feel like this right now. It could be worse. It could always be worse. I know this. I do. but right now it just doesn't feel okay. Nothing is particularly "wrong" But nothing is right either and I don't even know how to explain why. Because it doesn't make sense to me either, so I guess that makes me crazy? But that still doesn't make these thoughts settle down or just shut the **** up for one ******* second. So you do what you always do. And you shut down. And maybe somebody will eventually see what your head has been screaming. That all you have ever wanted was to actually be seen.

51

Today I climbed a mountain and screamed at the top of my lungs It felt so good To finally let go To finally be on top To finally have my voice back The climb was hard There were points I thought I wasn't going to make it But I did. There were obstacles in the way Hills, trees, giant rocks But I overcame I had so many hands around to steady me along the way And voices telling me that I had it in me So I kept pushing When my legs hurt and my lungs burned Because I wanted to make it I wanted to see the view from the top for once Not from this dark pit I have been making myself live in Today was the day I took all my troubles, hurt, and my addiction And I burned that **** on top of the mountain and left it there I walked down a thousand pounds lighter And it was ******* beautiful

0

Sep 24, 2017

Sep 24, 2017 at 4:56 PM UTC

breannac4

Climbing mountains

Today I climbed a mountain and screamed at the top of my lungs It felt so good To finally let go To finally be on top To finally have my voice back The climb was hard There were points I thought I wasn't going to make it But I did. There were obstacles in the way Hills, trees, giant rocks But I overcame I had so many hands around to steady me along the way And voices telling me that I had it in me So I kept pushing When my legs hurt and my lungs burned Because I wanted to make it I wanted to see the view from the top for once Not from this dark pit I have been making myself live in Today was the day I took all my troubles, hurt, and my addiction And I burned that **** on top of the mountain and left it there I walked down a thousand pounds lighter And it was ******* beautiful

22

The darkness comes in waves Like the ocean late at night Each wave with a crash Even though it's out of sight The sound of a gentle beating Of the water on the shore Always leaves me wandering Always wanting more More than just the darkness And the crashing sounds of waves More than to just keep counting The minutes in a day When do the waves stop coming When do they disappear Do they ever go away That's a stupid question I know They are here to stay Drowning in the ocean Below the sand and waves Maybe we will find each other On a brighter day Until then I lay my head and close my sleepy eyes Tomorrow I might not see But that is no surprise On a downhill slope with no right way The only choice is down Speeding faster and faster the words they won't come out Screaming for help but there's no one around To hear my empty scream I wake up to tell myself it's all just a bad dream But it's not a dream Not anymore The waves have grabbed my leg Pulling me in slowly I'm trying not to beg I fought and fought but I'm tired now It is time that I let go Let the breaking waves drag me out There is nowhere else to go

0

Apr 18, 2017

Apr 18, 2017 at 12:33 AM UTC

breannac4

The waves

The darkness comes in waves Like the ocean late at night Each wave with a crash Even though it's out of sight The sound of a gentle beating Of the water on the shore Always leaves me wandering Always wanting more More than just the darkness And the crashing sounds of waves More than to just keep counting The minutes in a day When do the waves stop coming When do they disappear Do they ever go away That's a stupid question I know They are here to stay Drowning in the ocean Below the sand and waves Maybe we will find each other On a brighter day Until then I lay my head and close my sleepy eyes Tomorrow I might not see But that is no surprise On a downhill slope with no right way The only choice is down Speeding faster and faster the words they won't come out Screaming for help but there's no one around To hear my empty scream I wake up to tell myself it's all just a bad dream But it's not a dream Not anymore The waves have grabbed my leg Pulling me in slowly I'm trying not to beg I fought and fought but I'm tired now It is time that I let go Let the breaking waves drag me out There is nowhere else to go

39

2 am The darkness sets in Everywhere I turn. Dark. The never ending night The demons come out to play Dancing around the room In my bed In my head Everywhere I turn I see nothing but dark. I turn to the pill bottle Give it a shake Wondering how many my body can take The first five just won't kick in I just want sleep With no dreams No nightmares. No demons. I want peace I need peace. In my mind. In my heart I just want rest From all the ******** Going on in my head. Just a minute of actual rest I can't find it anywhere I do not know if it even exists anymore What if I don't exist anymore

0

Mar 24, 2017

Mar 24, 2017 at 2:56 AM UTC

breannac4

2 am

2 am The darkness sets in Everywhere I turn. Dark. The never ending night The demons come out to play Dancing around the room In my bed In my head Everywhere I turn I see nothing but dark. I turn to the pill bottle Give it a shake Wondering how many my body can take The first five just won't kick in I just want sleep With no dreams No nightmares. No demons. I want peace I need peace. In my mind. In my heart I just want rest From all the ******** Going on in my head. Just a minute of actual rest I can't find it anywhere I do not know if it even exists anymore What if I don't exist anymore

30

In the bed I lay awake I pray the lord my soul to take These feelings inside they don't go away I try to act fine but my mind doesn't stray I want out of my head and into the dark A minute of peace to make it less sharp I want to be okay and not feel all the time An escape from myself and escape from my mind I'm tired of hearing "it's gonna be fine " I grab the bottle and give it a shake Thinking about how many I'm gonna take. I just want to sleep to get away from it all I don't care how I get there I just want it gone I grab a handful probably at least ten Close my eyes and wonder if I will open them again Either way I'm fine I just want an escape I don't know how much my heart can take. I know these thoughts are crazy but they still exist There is so much to live for but it feels like this is it.

0

Mar 15, 2017

Mar 15, 2017 at 2:56 AM UTC

breannac4

To find the way out

In the bed I lay awake I pray the lord my soul to take These feelings inside they don't go away I try to act fine but my mind doesn't stray I want out of my head and into the dark A minute of peace to make it less sharp I want to be okay and not feel all the time An escape from myself and escape from my mind I'm tired of hearing "it's gonna be fine " I grab the bottle and give it a shake Thinking about how many I'm gonna take. I just want to sleep to get away from it all I don't care how I get there I just want it gone I grab a handful probably at least ten Close my eyes and wonder if I will open them again Either way I'm fine I just want an escape I don't know how much my heart can take. I know these thoughts are crazy but they still exist There is so much to live for but it feels like this is it.

20

When you look to the sky and see nothing but Grey When the cloud come through your eyes, it's been a bad day Never forget the smile that you put on my face Even when your mind must stray You are more than what you give yourself credit Your amazing in my eyes and never forget it The way you light up a room as soon as you enter You're not broken just bent, there's no need to fix her. I hope you know just how special you are I feel in my heart, I know you will go far Keep pushing and when you look to your side There I'll be along for the ride I see great things for you and I hope I'll be there When you put your head down and just want to stare. I get those moods, so know I understand Together we can do things never known to man I'm excited to see where this chapter will go Keep your head up darling, they are watching our show

0

Mar 15, 2017

Mar 15, 2017 at 2:55 AM UTC

breannac4

You

When you look to the sky and see nothing but Grey When the cloud come through your eyes, it's been a bad day Never forget the smile that you put on my face Even when your mind must stray You are more than what you give yourself credit Your amazing in my eyes and never forget it The way you light up a room as soon as you enter You're not broken just bent, there's no need to fix her. I hope you know just how special you are I feel in my heart, I know you will go far Keep pushing and when you look to your side There I'll be along for the ride I see great things for you and I hope I'll be there When you put your head down and just want to stare. I get those moods, so know I understand Together we can do things never known to man I'm excited to see where this chapter will go Keep your head up darling, they are watching our show

18

The constant fight between my heart and my mind I just want to have control this time It can't be mine Everything is spinning too fast to keep going I don't think I've ever felt this lonely I have no clue where the hell i'm going Can't tell which way is up from down I cry at night but I try not to make a sound I can't hold it in and I just want to shout The nightmares come back every night Constantly, it's the same old sight I can't escape the madness he put inside my mind Not this time I want it to be over but I cannot find The peace I need to clear my mind The guilt of sitting and just watching him die I did nothing I just went back inside My best friend woke up without her dad I held her and cried, but I was kind of glad I know that sounds bad But he took something I can never get back My innocence, my childhood, my peace of mind Still searching for something that I cannot find Two years he had his way with me I don't know how nobody could see I was choking and I could not breathe Nobody saw me constantly gasping for air I should have reached out but I was so so scared Now I'm living in my own nightmare

0

Mar 15, 2017

Mar 15, 2017 at 2:52 AM UTC

breannac4

Living in my nightmare

The constant fight between my heart and my mind I just want to have control this time It can't be mine Everything is spinning too fast to keep going I don't think I've ever felt this lonely I have no clue where the hell i'm going Can't tell which way is up from down I cry at night but I try not to make a sound I can't hold it in and I just want to shout The nightmares come back every night Constantly, it's the same old sight I can't escape the madness he put inside my mind Not this time I want it to be over but I cannot find The peace I need to clear my mind The guilt of sitting and just watching him die I did nothing I just went back inside My best friend woke up without her dad I held her and cried, but I was kind of glad I know that sounds bad But he took something I can never get back My innocence, my childhood, my peace of mind Still searching for something that I cannot find Two years he had his way with me I don't know how nobody could see I was choking and I could not breathe Nobody saw me constantly gasping for air I should have reached out but I was so so scared Now I'm living in my own nightmare

29

Nothing feels right I feel everything at once Months of being numb The pain has just now just begun The meds just seem to keep the feelings away But now I have nothing I'm left with the pain All the thoughts just echo through my head Am i better off here or am I better off dead So confused and don't know up from down I'm left out here looking like a clown I need a home and somewhere to go Don't know what to do when everybody is gone I need some stability, just a little at least I prolly could use a couple good hours of sleep. Now I'm drunk and alone and I need you more than most. And ur at home sleeping with no clue I know. My heart feels like it's been ripped into pieces Thinking about you and the reasons I had for leaving I want you, and us and everything in between Forgive me if I ever came off as mean I'm so lost without You in my life Please come back and let me take you in stride. I love you always more than u ever will know Please take me back and let me come back home

0

Mar 15, 2017

Mar 15, 2017 at 2:48 AM UTC

breannac4

The feeling of nothing

Nothing feels right I feel everything at once Months of being numb The pain has just now just begun The meds just seem to keep the feelings away But now I have nothing I'm left with the pain All the thoughts just echo through my head Am i better off here or am I better off dead So confused and don't know up from down I'm left out here looking like a clown I need a home and somewhere to go Don't know what to do when everybody is gone I need some stability, just a little at least I prolly could use a couple good hours of sleep. Now I'm drunk and alone and I need you more than most. And ur at home sleeping with no clue I know. My heart feels like it's been ripped into pieces Thinking about you and the reasons I had for leaving I want you, and us and everything in between Forgive me if I ever came off as mean I'm so lost without You in my life Please come back and let me take you in stride. I love you always more than u ever will know Please take me back and let me come back home

24

Slowly bending, and I'm bound to break Slowly killing, and I cannot shake These feelings that I will not make it And everyday I have to go on faking That I'm fine, and I cannot take it. I want a home of my own A place to go when nobody else is home I keep fighting but these demons inside They eat me alive Put them away but they cannot hide Always on my mind Even when I try they are always there I gasp but I can't find air The nightmares they never go away Every night I'm stuck and I can't be saved I **** up everything good in my life I should be use to it now but I cannot find The peace I need to be able to shine I do it to myself and I know that this time Somehow can't grow my wings to fly I don't know how to be alone How to run the show I can't even make my own decisions I know I have to do something to finally be okay Is it go home or just stay away Take it day by day At least that's what they say Keep your head up and just shake it off My head may be hard but my heart is soft Trying so hard to get back on my feet But every time I end up hitting my knees I feel so weak I've made it through so much worse than this But I cannot miss All the feelings that I do not belong Sing the chorus and they cut the song It's my life and I'm losing control Spinning in circles and I can't find home Oh wait, I had it but now it's gone Slowly bending and I'll prolly break Better bring the tape But I'll be okay It's the only option at this point I know It's time for me to reach out and grab control

0

Mar 14, 2017

Mar 14, 2017 at 12:50 PM UTC

breannac4

Take it slow

Slowly bending, and I'm bound to break Slowly killing, and I cannot shake These feelings that I will not make it And everyday I have to go on faking That I'm fine, and I cannot take it. I want a home of my own A place to go when nobody else is home I keep fighting but these demons inside They eat me alive Put them away but they cannot hide Always on my mind Even when I try they are always there I gasp but I can't find air The nightmares they never go away Every night I'm stuck and I can't be saved I **** up everything good in my life I should be use to it now but I cannot find The peace I need to be able to shine I do it to myself and I know that this time Somehow can't grow my wings to fly I don't know how to be alone How to run the show I can't even make my own decisions I know I have to do something to finally be okay Is it go home or just stay away Take it day by day At least that's what they say Keep your head up and just shake it off My head may be hard but my heart is soft Trying so hard to get back on my feet But every time I end up hitting my knees I feel so weak I've made it through so much worse than this But I cannot miss All the feelings that I do not belong Sing the chorus and they cut the song It's my life and I'm losing control Spinning in circles and I can't find home Oh wait, I had it but now it's gone Slowly bending and I'll prolly break Better bring the tape But I'll be okay It's the only option at this point I know It's time for me to reach out and grab control

44

Lost in my world I can feel it all around I may notice a lot but I don't make a sound Trapped in my head like a toy in a box Trying to find my way out is like looking for a lock The quiet ones are who you really have to worry They may not say a lot because they hold in their fury A mind can only hold in a couple thousand words Before it just screams and it's longing just to be heard Silence is deadly,at least that's what they say Just holding in your thoughts can **** you a million ways But what do you do when your opinion doesn't matter When you talk and talk but they hear nothing but chatter A voice is a voice, only when it's heard Silence is more than just an ordinary word.

0

Mar 12, 2017

Mar 12, 2017 at 10:01 PM UTC

breannac4

Silence

Lost in my world I can feel it all around I may notice a lot but I don't make a sound Trapped in my head like a toy in a box Trying to find my way out is like looking for a lock The quiet ones are who you really have to worry They may not say a lot because they hold in their fury A mind can only hold in a couple thousand words Before it just screams and it's longing just to be heard Silence is deadly,at least that's what they say Just holding in your thoughts can **** you a million ways But what do you do when your opinion doesn't matter When you talk and talk but they hear nothing but chatter A voice is a voice, only when it's heard Silence is more than just an ordinary word.

14