i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
*"uh oh, ****
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
*"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"*
1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says *"why don't you joke
about something like your family?"*
so i say
*"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"*
i say *"what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"*
before he has a chance
to answer
i say *"1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"*
2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
*"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."*
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried
Oct 15, 2015
Oct 15, 2015 at 5:49 PM UTC
"I would love to but I can't."
"I feel so bad."
"I am so sorry."
Rejection.
Sincere tones laced together in regret
I lost you
before I even found you.
"I wish I could find something to say."
"I hope someone else returns your feelings."
Wishes for the best
The best was from you.
Sep 29, 2015
Sep 29, 2015 at 10:16 PM UTC
Salty tears
****** tears
******* tears
Dead tears
Heartbreak tears
Please come back tears
Tell me you're not gone tears
Why aren't you here anymore tears
It's too dark here tears
I can't find the words anymore tears
My mind is numb tears
I couldn't save you tears
Suffering tears
Please hold me tears
You're not coming back tears
Aug 30, 2015
Aug 30, 2015 at 6:33 PM UTC
The stagnant watch of passerbyers
Penetrated with a needing of closure and a surrounding of homeliness
Words laced together in an order not distinguished
Without a sense of security and faith
It shatters and the phrase is broken
Just like everything else in the world and everything else that is just
But nothing is just
Nothing is certain
Burning. Molding. Changing
Life is not certain but it is meaningful
Only to those who can find meaning
In the pieces left behind by those before them
Who have created havoc
Who have created ********
Who have created falseness
Who are damaged
Who are wanting
Faith has created life
Faith has destroyed life
But get on your knees
Pray. Worship. Lie.
Nothing to save you
Nothing to save you
A bunch of fuckery
Myths all tied together
None is real
Suffering is imminent
Life is imminent
The passerbyer walks
With disappointment
Aug 18, 2015
Aug 18, 2015 at 4:38 AM UTC
Jake.
Your name felt bitter on my lips.
Jake.
You touched her and I screamed.
Jake.
You gave great hugs.
Jake.
Your glares cut like knives.
Jake.
Your laugh sounds empty.
Jake.
Your smile is forced.
Jake.
All you.
Alexis
My name doesn't touch your lips.
Alexis.
I touch him and you don't care.
Alexis.
I held on for a little too long.
Alexis.
Eyes filled with tears instead of glares.
Alexis.
My laugh is full.
Alexis.
My smile is genuine.
Alexis.
So paradoxal.
Feb 5, 2015
Feb 5, 2015 at 7:13 PM UTC
Dead behind the eyes.
God all I hear is lies.
I need to feel something to live.
There is nothing else for me to give.
Jan 26, 2015
Jan 26, 2015 at 6:13 PM UTC
Love
Love
Love
Such a destructive word
Such a filthy feeling
It slips out
Can't be taken back
"I don't"
So much anger
So much sadness
"I never will"
I hope you feel
disgusting and guilty.
Jan 23, 2015
Jan 23, 2015 at 5:07 PM UTC
We started laying together and I asked if we could talk.
You said “sure” in the sweetest voice and I thought it would be okay.
I asked why you didn’t love me.
Wrong choice.
You said you didn’t know but you knew you didn’t.
You said you didn’t even know if you liked me anymore.
I sat up and moved away from you because being near you burned my skin.
Then you said those two words and my heart dropped.
“Maybe it’d be better for both of us if we broke up. But I think that’ll unhinge you again.”
Jake you knew that wouldn’t be better for me but you just saw me as your little ticking time bomb anyway.
Never okay.
I could barely get words out.
I did everything I could to stop this.
More words were exchanged and I told you I loved you.
You said you didn’t.
I could feel my heart breaking.
We were facing each other sitting on the floor.
The tears started to flow from my eyes.
You put your head between your knees and said,
“Please stop. It kills me to see you like this.”
You killed me first so I’m glad I’m killing you now.
10:45: “I have to go or I’ll be out after curfew”
I just nodded and got up to open the door.
“Can I hug you?”
No I didn’t want you to but I just nodded again.
You hugged me for an eternity
I lost it and sobbed and every feeling was coming out through my tears onto your shirt,
as I whispered “please don’t leave. you promised you wouldn’t,” over and over.
“Some promises just can’t be kept.”
You said it through tears
You were dying too
Only you could grab the rope but instead you hung me with it.
You let go and looked at me,
“thank you” you said and grabbed my hand.
You opened the door, dropped my hand, and left.
I died.
Jan 20, 2015
Jan 20, 2015 at 9:23 PM UTC
I knew you were gone when I said,
“Tell me a story”
and you said you didn't have any anymore.
I knew you were gone when I said,
“how was your day?”
and you responded with just “good.”
I knew you were gone when I told you about my day
and you didn't tell me to tell you more.
I knew you were gone when you said,
“Stop that. It annoys me.”
I never annoyed you before.
I knew you were gone when you said,
“all we ever do anymore is fight.”
I wish I knew how to stop that.
I knew you were gone before you even left.
I kept hoping we’d get better.
But we didn’t.
I knew you were gone when you said,
“Thank you for this.”
Jan 20, 2015
Jan 20, 2015 at 9:14 PM UTC