again,
this deep well simmers
this deep well of nothing
why did i even think that i was
cured,
well,
or any less empty
just because i had more things
to distract me
almost thought it doesn't consume you
as much as it did
this is what growing up was supposed
to be like, right?
everything falling into place.
new years eve I realized,
i may really well be the one
to die
Jan 6, 2022
Jan 6, 2022 at 10:25 AM UTC
there is no clear transition,
not one i noticed anyway
triggers caused at eighteen are not the same
as the triggers at twenty four
I don’t know if that’s better
when will I get over the need to make something of myself?
what i want is only a collection
of what reflects back to me
as i find my purpose in being alive.
you can only do so much with the resources
you are born into
I do not have enough to be free
Jan 24, 2021
Jan 24, 2021 at 5:44 PM UTC
do you think, when god created us,
they immediately realized their mistake?
the angels must have hated us
they should
they do.
imagine being the perfect epitome of a being,
only to be cast aside for those who create nothing but unbridled chaos.
"it’s what makes them perfect"
they said once, when one of the angels asked about it
"the chaos?" Gabriel asked
"their humanity."
i'm convinced none of them understood exactly what “humanity” means,
and we don’t either.
the day that i reach the end of the road,
when i meet earth, and my soul is the only thing left
and it just so happens
that the god I write about turns out to be real,
i hope they let me ask this question just once
Oct 11, 2020
Oct 11, 2020 at 12:18 AM UTC
I find myself frequently spacing out. Again.
A year of only feeling almosts of a state I thought my mind got over with.
I thought we were done with this, Alex.
Graduating set off a switch that lit up my mind and drowned it in anxiety. Again.
The bile is crawling up my throat and all I see is myself, when I was thirteen, asking how the hell did we even get here?
May 27, 2018
May 27, 2018 at 6:42 AM UTC
the shadows the sun cast when it rises,
way beyond down
there I am
stuck as a soul can be on a plane not meant for the unsure,
I grab onto other souls who know what to do with their existence,
and ask, is this for me too?
no, no
it doesn't feel right
breathing here doesn't feel right
every breath feels forced, just to survive, because i need to.
but they breathe because they've found it
the purpose of their souls,
I think mine was lost.
Apr 3, 2018
Apr 3, 2018 at 12:08 AM UTC
i think
i've preached a great deal about setting yourself free
and going for your dreams
but, ****
i may actually be
left behind by everyone else
i've definitely used up all of my
excuses
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 1:47 AM UTC
there were once scars on these wrists,
spaces even, waiting for other scars to align the existing ones.
and then they were gone.
washed over the wave of being an adult and a cloud of illusion willing ones self to be alright..."alright".
there were no scars on my wrist
or my thighs
or my ribs
but it still felt like there was a rip tearing apart my mind,
no matter how clean my vessel was my soul was still in a war.
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 1:40 AM UTC
Principium
I thought I’ve already made enough mistakes to last a lifetime, but as it turns out he was only the beginning.
I know. I know I should’ve listened. For someone who claims to be so self-aware, I stumbled onto him like a new born in a world of monsters.
A monster ready to pounce. Ready to control. Quick to eye someone they know is easily vulnerable.
I knew, from the start, this love was not going to work. Wasn’t supposed to.
And I knew, from the start, his I love you’s were lies uttered only by the fleeting feeling that he had to have someone to catch him and make him feel worthy while the other crumbles.
But I believed them anyway.
_____________
Contrariorum
And suddenly, I was a kid again.
You had so many plans, and I got swept along with it. I remember being so glad. Because for the first time, someone saw me as having a place in their future.
You were the first person to talk to me about the possibility of marriage. And I remember thinking, Oh god I’m only twenty but, actually even when I’m thirty I still don’t want to.
Turns out I also said that out loud. You shrugged and said we’d talk about it some other time.
But then you decided to let go because my storms became too much for you to bear. I never did blame you. I was just surprised you gave up that easy.
You said that you almost loved me.
What did you expect me to say to that?
____________
Quid tibi accessit?
I was so sure of you.
I gushed about you so hard to my friends, so proud and so sure that this wouldn’t happen.
I believed everything. Every little thing. Until now nothing is quite clear, except for the fact that you found it appropriate to be selfish.
I never want to regret any of my loves.
But you’re close to disappointing.
__________________
Domus Meus
This will be the first one I will write for you, and if you stay, it won’t be the last.
I’ve fallen so many times for people who only accepted my love. I give and give and give, never learning when to stop. Because I’m stupid like that.
I always say that love is **** Relationships are messy. And love is not until death.
But dear, you are the only person I’ll ever admit this to, I crave love.
I crave for the deep love people seem to always experience in movies. Love written by poets through the years, the same feeling I’m trying to capture with the things I make. Love in Art. Love that is enough. Love that will tread the storm and come out of the other end stronger. Love that is realistic but will never give up. Love that will choose you, even during the days when you’re not so sure anymore.
We had to meet at a time when both of us were broken. We still are, on some level. But we’re trying.
There are days where I am afraid. Days when I don’t think I’m worthy. We were proved to be made from star dust, you know? There are galaxies inside of us. Of you.
I look at you and I see all the amazing things that have happened, and will happen, because of the greatness you have in you.
I’m thankful you’ve allowed me to be a part of it, even for now.
I don’t know how this story is going to go. I don’t know how this book will end. But you are the first chapter of what I think will be my greatest love, yet.
Love, I’m scared shitless. But they always told me that I had to be brave to face the things that will be worth it in the end.
And you are worth it.
Nov 15, 2017
Nov 15, 2017 at 6:51 AM UTC
1. when you feel an episode coming, shut down. shut down from everyone. deactivate your facebook. don't talk to anyone for days. keep on staring at that wall like it will magically give you answers.shut down until you feel the void inside of you lessen its intensity. until you calm down.
2. drink until all you can feel is the food that's coming up your throat waiting to be vomited at any nearby gutter.
3. stay clean. and then relapse a couple of months later.
4. tell everyone who will listen about how you "feel" stuck but in reality you just can't do anything about your current situation, therefore making you stuck.
5. doubt everyone who even tries to show the tiniest hint of their ability to be able to love you.
6. drill into your head and accept that you are not easy to love. and that you can't demand for it.
7. if you really want to survive, ignore all of this. these are the things that we do when we feel alone. when we feel that no really can love us. but they do. and they can. and they're out there.
Aug 26, 2017
Aug 26, 2017 at 8:19 PM UTC
I know a man, lovely in his touch
he looks at the world with softness,
as if everything only has a second to be there.
he touches like he's afraid,
that everything will melt and eventually disappear.
I know a man and his smile blinds me,
but i'd choose to be blinded for the rest of my life
if it means that i could feel his warmth,
soft as it touches my body,
soft as it settles there.
I know a man who was so sure of me,
and it brought me to tears,
I wasn't even sure of myself
but his declaration felt like a punch to the gut
and a push to reality.
I love a good man and my heart has never been this full,
overflowing with what feels like
the petals of flowers and the buzzing of bees,
all too good. all too perfect.
Aug 26, 2017
Aug 26, 2017 at 8:14 PM UTC