again,
this deep well simmers
this deep well of nothing
why did i even think that i was
cured,
well,
or any less empty
just because i had more things
to distract me
almost thought it doesn't consume you
as much as it did
this is what growing up was supposed
to be like, right?
everything falling into place.
new years eve I realized,
i may really well be the one
to die
Jan 6, 2022
Jan 6, 2022 at 10:25 AM UTC
there is no clear transition,
not one i noticed anyway
triggers caused at eighteen are not the same
as the triggers at twenty four
I don’t know if that’s better
when will I get over the need to make something of myself?
what i want is only a collection
of what reflects back to me
as i find my purpose in being alive.
you can only do so much with the resources
you are born into
I do not have enough to be free
Jan 24, 2021
Jan 24, 2021 at 5:44 PM UTC
do you think, when god created us,
they immediately realized their mistake?
the angels must have hated us
they should
they do.
imagine being the perfect epitome of a being,
only to be cast aside for those who create nothing but unbridled chaos.
"it’s what makes them perfect"
they said once, when one of the angels asked about it
"the chaos?" Gabriel asked
"their humanity."
i'm convinced none of them understood exactly what “humanity” means,
and we don’t either.
the day that i reach the end of the road,
when i meet earth, and my soul is the only thing left
and it just so happens
that the god I write about turns out to be real,
i hope they let me ask this question just once
Oct 11, 2020
Oct 11, 2020 at 12:18 AM UTC
You know that old saying
"Actions speak louder than words"?
Well, I've learned to observe
the behavioral patterns
of when our conversations
become a burden.
I am a professional at
reading the signs
of unamused eyes
and you just stare
right through me.
I guess that is fair play.
After all, I used to say
too much
and you cared
when you could.
Foolish of me to think there would
ever be a middle.
We left on words
misunderstood
and nothing more
would follow.
You had a boundary
that I overlooked.
I guess
"hello"
was all
it
took.
Oct 4, 2020
Oct 4, 2020 at 10:15 PM UTC
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Oct 4, 2020
Oct 4, 2020 at 8:58 PM UTC
I find myself frequently spacing out. Again.
A year of only feeling almosts of a state I thought my mind got over with.
I thought we were done with this, Alex.
Graduating set off a switch that lit up my mind and drowned it in anxiety. Again.
The bile is crawling up my throat and all I see is myself, when I was thirteen, asking how the hell did we even get here?
May 27, 2018
May 27, 2018 at 6:42 AM UTC
the shadows the sun cast when it rises,
way beyond down
there I am
stuck as a soul can be on a plane not meant for the unsure,
I grab onto other souls who know what to do with their existence,
and ask, is this for me too?
no, no
it doesn't feel right
breathing here doesn't feel right
every breath feels forced, just to survive, because i need to.
but they breathe because they've found it
the purpose of their souls,
I think mine was lost.
Apr 3, 2018
Apr 3, 2018 at 12:08 AM UTC
i think
i've preached a great deal about setting yourself free
and going for your dreams
but, ****
i may actually be
left behind by everyone else
i've definitely used up all of my
excuses
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 1:47 AM UTC
there were once scars on these wrists,
spaces even, waiting for other scars to align the existing ones.
and then they were gone.
washed over the wave of being an adult and a cloud of illusion willing ones self to be alright..."alright".
there were no scars on my wrist
or my thighs
or my ribs
but it still felt like there was a rip tearing apart my mind,
no matter how clean my vessel was my soul was still in a war.
Apr 1, 2018
Apr 1, 2018 at 1:40 AM UTC
Principium
I thought I’ve already made enough mistakes to last a lifetime, but as it turns out he was only the beginning.
I know. I know I should’ve listened. For someone who claims to be so self-aware, I stumbled onto him like a new born in a world of monsters.
A monster ready to pounce. Ready to control. Quick to eye someone they know is easily vulnerable.
I knew, from the start, this love was not going to work. Wasn’t supposed to.
And I knew, from the start, his I love you’s were lies uttered only by the fleeting feeling that he had to have someone to catch him and make him feel worthy while the other crumbles.
But I believed them anyway.
_____________
Contrariorum
And suddenly, I was a kid again.
You had so many plans, and I got swept along with it. I remember being so glad. Because for the first time, someone saw me as having a place in their future.
You were the first person to talk to me about the possibility of marriage. And I remember thinking, Oh god I’m only twenty but, actually even when I’m thirty I still don’t want to.
Turns out I also said that out loud. You shrugged and said we’d talk about it some other time.
But then you decided to let go because my storms became too much for you to bear. I never did blame you. I was just surprised you gave up that easy.
You said that you almost loved me.
What did you expect me to say to that?
____________
Quid tibi accessit?
I was so sure of you.
I gushed about you so hard to my friends, so proud and so sure that this wouldn’t happen.
I believed everything. Every little thing. Until now nothing is quite clear, except for the fact that you found it appropriate to be selfish.
I never want to regret any of my loves.
But you’re close to disappointing.
__________________
Domus Meus
This will be the first one I will write for you, and if you stay, it won’t be the last.
I’ve fallen so many times for people who only accepted my love. I give and give and give, never learning when to stop. Because I’m stupid like that.
I always say that love is **** Relationships are messy. And love is not until death.
But dear, you are the only person I’ll ever admit this to, I crave love.
I crave for the deep love people seem to always experience in movies. Love written by poets through the years, the same feeling I’m trying to capture with the things I make. Love in Art. Love that is enough. Love that will tread the storm and come out of the other end stronger. Love that is realistic but will never give up. Love that will choose you, even during the days when you’re not so sure anymore.
We had to meet at a time when both of us were broken. We still are, on some level. But we’re trying.
There are days where I am afraid. Days when I don’t think I’m worthy. We were proved to be made from star dust, you know? There are galaxies inside of us. Of you.
I look at you and I see all the amazing things that have happened, and will happen, because of the greatness you have in you.
I’m thankful you’ve allowed me to be a part of it, even for now.
I don’t know how this story is going to go. I don’t know how this book will end. But you are the first chapter of what I think will be my greatest love, yet.
Love, I’m scared shitless. But they always told me that I had to be brave to face the things that will be worth it in the end.
And you are worth it.
Nov 15, 2017
Nov 15, 2017 at 6:51 AM UTC