this is the version of us that i dream of when it is two a.m. and the stars look like they’re dancing across the sky:
we are in Italy, we are laughing, and it is warm. you point out a piece we studied years ago, and i smile because it was always one of my favorites. we talk about it over dinner and time passes slowly. i tell you that you are my whole world. you tell me what you know about earth’s rotation and how if the world revolved around anything other than the sun, the universe would be a mess. i laugh and you hold my hand and kiss me. my lips respond back to the rhythm of a song that i used to know. we are happy, and it is good. we walk home and wonder what it would feel like to dance on top of the sun.
this is the version of us that i think of when the sun is high in the sky and the clouds sing songs across the blue:
we go separate ways like we were always meant to. you come home at christmas and we talk over bitter tea. you tell me that when she talks it is like hearing a language you never learned but somehow know. i tell you that he makes me feel like summer and my favorite song. things are okay and things are good. i don’t think about what we could’ve been, but rather i cherish how close we still are even years later.
because at the end of the day,
dreams are just dreams, the earth will always revolve around the sun, and things are exactly how they were always meant to be.
May 13, 2019
May 13, 2019 at 2:38 PM UTC
sometimes i pretend
as i am looking in a mirror that i am meeting myself for the very first time
i notice the way that
my hair waves as it falls down my shoulders
and curls around my face
it looks like the vines that grow up and down
the sides of my house
the vines that i love
and i take note of the
little scars dotted around my face from when my fingers
just couldn’t keep themselves away
i look at them now
and realize that they look like little mountains
and constellations
two things that are known for their beauty
i look at my eyes, my eyebrows, my nose that has been told
that it is too big,
my arms and my elbows,
my stomach and my thighs, all the way down to my toes
and i remember:
there is beauty in the unique
and so i stick my hand out to shake
and i say,
hello, it is nice to meet you. you look beautiful today and i love you.
and my hand grasps it and says back,
hello, it is nice to meet you. you look beautiful today, and i think i could learn to love you too.
Apr 21, 2019
Apr 21, 2019 at 4:55 PM UTC
and it took me a long time
to finally realize:
the world is full of color
and you were just a dark blue
who was scared to let my yellow
turn you green at the corners
Aug 6, 2018
Aug 6, 2018 at 12:28 AM UTC
i wonder if years from now
i’ll see something and have it still
remind me of you
maybe it will be an album cover
of a band we listened to in the car
instead of talking
or it could even be a zucchini
i wonder if you will still hate those
years from now
i’m trying, i’m trying, i’m trying
to let you go
but i didn’t mean to fall in love with you
and i hope you have it in your heart
to forgive me
for doing that
maybe things will be easier
once you leave,
but oh how I wonder
if in a few years from now
i will be able to look at the trees
and not be reminded of you.
Jul 17, 2018
Jul 17, 2018 at 6:58 PM UTC
Drip
Drip
Strike one.
She is a zombie walking down
An empty hallway
Drip
Drip
Strike Two
Will I ever feel the same?
Life isn’t a game,
You can’t act like nothing happened.
I know you think that I can’t lighten up.
But there is no sunshine to remind me what light looks like.
You’re jokes just make it worse
Because I’m not here to play.
Drip
Drip
Strike three.
Sorry— that these are my raw emotions
I’m fine— it’s not like you care
It doesn’t matter— anymore
Faking smiles
And trying to forget.
Oh wait, that’s contradictory.
Drip
Drip
Silence.
Jul 16, 2018
Jul 16, 2018 at 11:47 PM UTC
sometimes
i feel like everything
i’m struggling with
is spiraling around me in circles
and the chaos of it all
overwhelmes me to the point
where it hurts to get out of bed
and my mom continues to ask what’s wrong
and my only response is that
i’m tired
i’m tired of not being in control
and i am tired of the solutions
being so incredibly close
yet when i reach out to grab one
it is just out of reach
i am tired of constantly being a mess
and i just want
r e s t .
Jul 16, 2018
Jul 16, 2018 at 11:14 PM UTC
there is one thing that I know for sure
and it is this:
my hands will never stop reaching for you even though I know full well that they will never touch you
can you teach me how to let go?
Jul 6, 2018
Jul 6, 2018 at 8:51 PM UTC
He is back in the business
And I’ve seen it for myself,
But then why do I feel it’s not over?
Like this is the beginning
Of something with potential
To be good or bad.
I should feel like
Flowers, sunshine, and happiness;
I’m really not complaining
(You would know if I was).
But I’m still not convinced
By the smile on his face.
Jul 2, 2018
Jul 2, 2018 at 3:33 PM UTC
I am trying to figure out why I seem to notice you more in the wilderness. There is something about the trees and the air that fill me with a passion for you that I only sometimes discover at home. I hike behind you and I can’t help but notice that the color of your hair seems to complement the green of the forest so nicely. Your face in the firelight and the scratchy tone of your voice make my heart leap more than usual. Maybe it is because I am seeing you naturally, seeing you when you aren’t put together and a little bit of a mess. Seeing you raw and untouched. The you that not everyone gets a chance to see. I care for you at home but something about the woods makes me want to scream it out loud and hear it echo through the leaves,
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Maybe if I’m lucky the wilderness will whisper it back and I can pretend it came from you.
Jul 2, 2018
Jul 2, 2018 at 1:47 AM UTC
i often humor myself
with the idea of us
the idea that
someone as stubborn as you
could love
someone as carefree as me
i know that it is silly
you aren’t the type
to shut off your brain
and follow your heart
but here i sit,
wondering
wondering
wondering
is the idea of us actually silly at all?
how tragic that i’ll never get to know
Jun 21, 2018
Jun 21, 2018 at 2:52 PM UTC